Managing Cross-Gender Mentoring

Abstract

For many years, men have been helped to advanced in their careers by the interest and personal guidance of a mentor. Now, when women in business merit this special professional attention, problems can arise—including sexual attraction, marital disruption, and damaging gossip. These authors provide suggestions for men and women who must deal with this potentially dangerous situation.

Full text

Contents
Indiana University Graduate School of Business / Volume 27, Number 3Muy /June 1984
Articles 7 Technology and Marketing: The Magic Mix?
Geoffrey Kiel
15 The Action Profile: A Practical
and Succession Planning
Robert S. Burnett andJames A.
Aid to Career Development
Waters
22 ManagingCross-Gender Mentoring
James G. Clawson and Kathy E. Kram
33 Is There Life After 5?
J.H. Foegen
37 Manufacturing Market Share
WJ. Kaydos
40 Product Quality: An Important Strategic Weapon
David A. Garvin
48 Quality Circles-The Latest Fad or a Real Winner?
Merle O'Donnell and Robert J. O'Donnell
53 Attributes of the Entrepreneurial Type
Philip D. Olson and Debra A. Bosserman
57 Getting Results From Your MRP System
John C. Anderson and Roger G. Schroeder
65 The Impact of Crisis on Managerial Behavior
Stuart St. P. Slatter
69 Up on the Wall: Posting Salaried Openings
J.W. Miller
76 Organizational Imperatives and Cultural Modifiers
William I. Gorden
Features 2 The Editor's Chair / The
Douslas Heerema
44 Ideational Item / Avoiding the Pitfalls of ManagemenThink
Mario Leo
84 Focus on Books I Latin American Experiments in Neoconseraatiue Eco-
nombs l) Mahing America Work Again
87 Cumulative Index, Volume 27, Numbers 1-3
Cathedral and the Parish
Iil

Managrng
Cross-Gender Mentoring
James G. Clawson and Kathy E. Kram
James G. Clawson is an Associate Profes-
sor at the Darden Graduate School of
Business at the University of Virginia, and
has been an Intemational Banking Officer
at the Wells Fargo Bank, Kathy E. Kram
is an Assistant Professor of Organizational
Behavior at Boston University and the
author of several articles and a forth-
coming book on mentoring and career
development.
For many years, men have been helped to
advance in their careers by the interest and
personal guidance of a mentor. Now, when
women in business merit this special profes-
sional attention, problems can arise-in-
cluding sexual attraction, marital dis-
ruption, and damaging gossip. These au-
thors provide suggestions for men and
women who must deal with this potentially
dangerous situation.
T\htl hired Karen as an assistant
V to help hirn with special
I projects. During the {irst six
weeks tltat they worked together,
Phil coached Karen frequently on
her new assignments. Then, at the
end of a long work session, Phil
told Karen how much he had aP-
preciated her initiatiae, creatiae
help, and hard work. Unexpectedly,
he added that she was beautiful and
thqt he felt attracted to her. Karen
responded encouragingly by asking
what they were going to do about
it. Phil, who was deeply committed
to his marriage, urestled with the
answer. Ouer the next two months
the two held many long work ses-
sions in which they often talked
about their feelings for each other.
Their productioity dropped off and
both began to wonder if others in
the company suspected them. When
Karen went on aacation with her
husband, Phil was surPrised at how
hurt he felt. Although they had not
consummated their "affair," theY
told their spouses about it. After
seueral more painful meetings, both
of them decided that it was fruitless
to try to continue work'ing to-
gether, and Karen resigned from her
position.
This case represents one out-
come of an increasingly common
phenomenon in American manage-
ment: developmental relationships
involving persons of opposite sexes.
A "developmental relationship" is
one in which the conscious goal of
both parties is to develoP the
abitity and promotability of the
Business Horizons i May-June 1984

Managing Cross4ender Mentoring
subordinate. In most cross-gender
cases nowadays, the coach or men-
tor is a male and the protege is a
female, but more and more women
in management are also having to
ask themselves the question that
men ask: How do I manage de-
velopmental relationships with sub-
ordinates of the other sex and at
the same time manage the com-
plexities and possible pitfalls as-
sociated with close male-female
working relationships?
Simply keeping one's distance is
not a solution. Research and expe-
rience have shown that often the
coach who is able to get closer to
his or her subordinates is able to
have a greater effect on their learn-
ing than one who maintains dis-
tance.l This characteristic of effec-
tive developmental relationships
poses a "developmental dilemma"
in cross-gender relationships: on the
one hand, the desire to develop
subordinates pulls one closer to
them while, on the other hand, a
desire to avoid complicated male-
female relationships pushes one
away from them.
We have asked many managers,
informally, how they deal with this
issue. Some managers respond that
they treat everyone, regardless of
sex, the same. However, in several
systematic studies of mentor-
protege relationships, both men and
women identified specific charac-
teristics of cross-gender relation-
ships that create tension, anxiety,
and confusion for both sexes.2
First, men and women tend to
assume stereotypical roles that re-
duce female managers' competence
and autonomy and the overall ef-
fectiveness of work teams. Second,
concerns about increasing levels of
intimacy create tension and anxiety
l.James G. Clawson, "Mentoring in Mana-
gerial Careers," 'rrt Work, Family, and, the
Career, C, Brooklin Derr, ed. (New York:
Praeger Special Studies, f980): f44-165.
2. See references: Kathy E. Kram, Mentor-
ing hocesses at Work: Deuelopmental Relntion-
ships In Mamgerial Careers (Chicago: Scott-
Foresman, 1984); Agnes Missirian, The Cor-
porate Connectroz {Englewood Cliffs, N.f:
Spectnrm, 1982); and Linda Phillips, Mentors
and hoteges (New York: Arbor House, 1982).
for both men and women that can
result in avoidance of frequent in-
teraction or decreasing work effec-
tiveness. Finally, concerns about
the "public image" of the relation-
ship can cause men and women to
avoid one-on-one contact behind
closed doors or after work hours
where important work is often ac-
complished. Managers who are in-
terested in developing both their
female and male subordinates have
to pay attention not only to the
characteristics of effective develop-
mental relationships, but also to the
special characteristics of cross-
gender relationships.
To help managers anticipate and
think through this issue, we outline
in the accompanying box the char-
acteristics of effective develop-
mental relationships and provide
suggestions for managing the fea-
tures of cross-gender developmental
relationships that bear special atten-
tion. Most of our comments are
geared to male managers who are
organizationally positioned to
coach and develop younger man-
agers since these are the individuals
who can now contribute most to
improving the quality of cross-
gender developmental relationships.
Characteristic s of Effective
Developmental Relationships
O*l**.!";fij,:'*fu#
ing in ambiguous activities, like
management, where it is not easy to
reduce the requisite skills to a
mathematical formula or algo-
rithm.3 Furthermore , the en-
counters between superior and sub-
ordinate are more powerful than
good intentions and classroom com-
.mitments. Managers should realize
that whether or not they think of
themselves as teachers, they are
teaching their subordinates every
time they interact with them. Note
3. Consider the discussion of "logical un-
specifiability" in Michael Polyani, Personal
Knowl.edge (Chicago: University of Chicago
hess, 1962): 56.
Douglas McGregor's comment:
"Every encounter between a supe-
rior and a subordinate involves
learning of some kind for the sub-
ordinate. (It should involve learning
for the superior, too, but that is
another matter). When the boss
gives an order, asks for a job to be
done, reprimands, praises, conducts
an appraisal interview, deals with a
mistake, holds a staff meeting,
works with his subordinates in
solving a problem, gives a salary
increase, discusses a possible pro-
motion, or takes any other action
with subordinates, he is teaching
them something. Tli.e attitudes, the
habits, the expectations of the
subordinate will be either rein-
forced or modified to some degree
as a result of every encounter with
the boss . . . The day-by-day expe-
rience of the job is so much more
powerful that it tends to over-
shadow what the individual may
learn in other settings."a
Therefore, every relationship
between a superior and a subordi-
nate is "developmental," in that it
is constantly teaching the subordi-
nate something about how to be or
not to be a manager.
But some relationships are more
effective in developing good mana-
gerial skills in subordinates than
others. The accompanying box on
the characteristics of coaches sum-
marizes the results of a study of
effective coaching that was con-
ducted in a large, mature organiza'
tion with more than fifty offices
nationwide.s For our purposes
here, the important point is that
the quality of the relationship be-
tween the superior and the subordi
nate is a large part of the effective-
ness of the developmental aspects
of the relationship.
We think of the effect of a
superior's behavior on the learning
of a subordinate in terms of the
"interpersonal learning ladder"
shown in Figure 1. Subordinates
4. Douglas MacGregor, Human Side of En-
terprise (New York: McGraw-Hill, 1960):
r99-200.
5. Clawson.
23
I

Characteristics of Effective Developers
Assumptions and Conclusions About Self
I value people as much as I do getting the job done.
I value working at and advancing at this company.
I should be tolerant of a certain amount of ambiguity.
I am a teacher and should instruct my subordinates.
I should be an example.
I should direct my subordinates.
Conclusions and Feelings About Subordinates
I respect my subordinates' intelligence.
I like my subordinates.
Behavior
I take time to understand my subordinates by going to talk to them frequently and
by being available psychologically as well as physically.
I have an informal personal style.
I am even tempered.
I listen carefully.
I try to glve my subordinates new perspectives by sharing information about my job
and about myself.
I set high standards of performance.
I share my observations about the organization.
I give clear feedback, balanced positive and negative.
I do not watchdog, but I am available.
I sponsor my people to senior management.
Figure 1
Interpersonal Learning Ladder
Rung 3: Influence Openness (Lower defenses)
(Active coaching)
Concern/Caring
Consistency (He has my best interests
at heart, and I know he
won't hurt me intention-
ally or unintentionally.)
(Interpersonal skill)
R rrg Skill/Expertise Motivating Respect
(He has what I want.)
Passive Respect
(He's an expert, but not
at what I want.)
Protege/Subordinate
Trust
learn much from superiors that
they respect. They learn even more
if they feel that it is safe to
approach those superiors. The sub-
ordinates will perceive that ap-
proaching is safe if they feel that
the superior has their best interests
at heart. When the subordinate feels
that it is safe to approach the boss,
the subordinate will lower his or
her defenses and become more
open to learning from that boss.
This is not to say that one
cannot learn from capable bosses
who are not concerned about the
growth of their subordinates, but
that such relationships are less ef-
fective than relationships in which
there is mutual trust and respect.
Thus, the expertise of the superiors
being equal, then the greater the
mutual respect and trust in a rela-
tionship, the more likely it is that
the subordinate will learn from it.6
Two Relationships
and Two Kinds of Risks
anagers need to consider
carefully the level of in-
timacy in their develop-
mental relationships and the effect
of that intimacy on the learning of
their subordinates. There are two
aspects of those relationships that
demand conscious management.
The first is the relationship between
the two individuals. We call this the
"internal relationship." The second
is the relationship between the two
of them and the rest of the organi-
zation and the public. We call this
the "external relationship."
These two aspects are not the
same, yet both can affect the out-
comes of the overall relationship.
Consider, for instance, the situation
in which a boss and a subordinate
are not having an affair, but the
rumor mill is laden with gossip to
the contrary. The consequences of
this external relationship to the
6. Clawson; and Anthony G. Athos and
John J. Gabarro, '"The Development of Trust,
Influence, and Expectations," Int erpersonal Be'
haoi,or (Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice-Hall,
1978): 290-303.
Coach/Supervisor

Managing C,ross-Gender Mentoring
"Taking an active part
in the growth and development
of a subordinate can result in growing concern, liking,
and admiration. Channeling these feelings into a productive
professional relationship without
the pitfalls caused by excessive falling into
intimacy
2b
requires thoughtful management."
company and to the individuals are
significant, regardless of the nature
of the internal relationship. A sys-
tematic view of the risks associated
with both the internal and external
relationships will help managers to
identify and deal with them.
The developmental dilemma
outlined previously suggests two
major areas of risk-that associated
with unproductive closeness and
that associated with unproductive
distance. As the chart in Figure 2
indicates, either extreme exposes
the manager to developmental risks
in both the internal and the ex-
ternal relationships. A considera-
tion of the risks associated with
these extremes will highlight the
importance of consciously man-
aging both the internal and the
external relationships to achieve
optimal closeness.
Managing the Internal Relationship
flchieving an appropriate level of
A intimacy in any relationship
I \ ir nor an easy task. In some
instances there may be different
r-iews and desires as to how close
t\\'o people should becomel one
person may want greater intimacy,
n'hile another might want greater
distance. In cross-gender relation-
ships. in addition, both people must
ie:-ine the boundar), between ap-
prc,r:ia:e ler-els of intimacl' and
roman-iic involvement. Further, if
their rel.:L;ie,nship crosses the
boundan-. the trso mas agree nor
to act on mutual attraction in order
to maintain a professional relation-
ship, or they may agree to act on
romantic fantasies and risk disrup-
tion to their work effectiveness-as
well as to their home lives.
The choices are many. Although
we cannot offer exact behavioral
prescriptions that will fit everyone,
we can highlight the dilemmas and
the risks and benefits associated
with various approaches to man-
aging closeness in the internal rela-
tionship.
The Developmental Dilemma
The characteristics of effective de-
velopmental relationships generally
encourage closer internal relation-
ships. Taking an active part in the
growth and development of a sub-
ordinate can result in growing con-
cern, liking, and admiration. Chan-
neling these feelings into a produc-
tive professional relationship with-
out falling into the pitfalls caused
by excessive intimacy requires
thoughtful management of the rela-
tionship. Consider these aspects of
the internal developmental dilem-
ma:o [rterpersonal learning is based
on respect for a superior's exper-
tise. Respect and admiration also
heighten the desire to be closer to
and more like the boss. But the
desire to be closer can also lead to
romantic involvement.
o Accelerated learning is based
on trust in the superior's consistent
concern for the well-being of the
subordinate. Although this trust re-
duces the tension in the relation-
ship and makes it easier for the
subordinate to approach the boss, it
also may be a precursor to sexual
involvement.
o The informal style of effective
coaches builds closeness. The use of
first names and nicknames signals
an intimacy that may lead to at-
Figure 2
Some Outcomes of Three Levels of Intimacy in Two Kinds of Rel.ationships
Unproductive Productive Levels
Internal
Relationship
External
Relationship
Sexual li2isons
Iikel_v;less
than desired
Perceived
favoritism
and
distrust.
Desired levels of
productivity and
development.
Development of
respect for boss,
subordinate, and
for other sex.
Unproductive
Distance
Less than
desired
productivity
Reinforced
prejudices.
Intimacy of Intimacy
grort'th. development.

26
tachment,
o Effective coaches give subor-
dinates larger perspectives. They do
this by being oPen-bY sharing in-
formation about the boss's job, bY
giving clear and direct feedback,
and by giving Personal data which
hetp tire subordinate to see how the
bois copes with the Pressure of the
job. Bui this openness also tends to
loster new feelings of attraction on
both sides.
o Effective developmental rela-
tionships are characterrzed in their
early stages bY role comPlemen-
tariiy-thE superior accepts the role
of a teacher/leader and the subordi-
nate accepts the role of a learner/
follower. When the boss is a male
and the subordinate is a female,
traditional stereotYPes of male
dominance can sPill over from the
developmental roles to romantic
roles.
o Effective developmental rela-
tionships are also characterized by
frequent interactions. When people
talk more, the subordinate tends to
learn more. But research has shown
that, the more PeoPle interact, the
more they tend to be attracted to
one another.T
o Effective coaches assign "real
work" as opposed to "make work"
to their subordinates, who in turn
become more likelY to adjust their
personal schedules (evening dates,
vacations) to meet tight deadlines'
Subordinates who have to cancel
personal plans to work with the
toss may-have a tendencY to seek
that foregone enjoYment while
working overtime.
Many of the characteristics of
effective developmental relation-
ships, then, are also found in bud-
ding romantic relationships' In the
professional world, this similarity
can be riskY.
7' Frederick E. Tesch, "Interpersonal Prox-
imw u"J r-pression Formation"' Journal ol
ili,dt""i'"ii5iiev,- tgzs' 43-55; John w'
iliu;,' .i,J -rl.,%ia H. Kellev, "Interpersonal
Interaction," The Social Psychology oJ L;roups
iN.";tY;r'ilr 5ot n wit.v and Sons, Inc', 1959):
i-gJf ; C.otd. C. Homans, The Hunan uroup
iN.; Y;*,'Hrrcourt, Brace, r950) : I 12'
The Risks of Intimacy sorne ways a role mod.el .of the
successful m'anager' He also became
When a superior and a subordinate a close frieyd and counselor'
become involved in an emotionally After fiue years and seaeral pro-
*a- ftyri.uUy intimate relation- motions, Charles made it possible
;i, ihJt ;"rii"rfy jeopardize their for Margaret to transfer into a plant
;;;;;i iir., urrd iheir'professional "operatiin at a higher leael' This
effectiveness. Most *urrug.r, in to- io," offered tremendous chal-
auy', .otporations are mlarried, so lenge, 'ipot*",..ond probable ad-
urr'ir,uot .*ent with a subordinate uaicement. Feeling not quite sure
eenerally means raising complicated of her abitity to hqndle the large
;;;;i;r';Tli;.H,, alnd emotional ii*p in jobs, Margaret hesitated
li J*"",-problems sometimes -briefly, bu-t she. decided t'o 9o'
."ai"g i" separation or divorce. kniwing that _Charles had confi-
when children are involved, the d,ence in h"r. She assumed that, if
pain is even more searing' Even if she encountered' problems that
',h. ,po.rr" does not find"out about were particularly..thorny, she-would
the affair, the manager must learn be able to call on charles for
io tiu. with the fact"that he or she counsel as she had in the past. This
has cheated on a loved one and did not happen'
must wrestle with the guilt as well Three y-ears later, Margaret feels
as the loss of personal iritegrity. that Charles has abandoned her,
Becoming romanticallliinvolved and. she no longer wants to see him.
with a boss or subordinate can she is angry. and .bitter. "I don't
;;;;" p.r*"a proUt.*, for single want to culiiuate that kind of close
nersons as well. a;;tti,""t abo'ut relationship again," she says and
ffi.;# ", ""i,nll"u"i""*."t i, won,ers it the same time what
rooted in the .orpf"t *"ttti"g 'au- effect both the auoiding of similar,
tionship rather than its inirinsic ment-orQroteg.e .retytlonships and
attractivenes, ofter,--rrag at one or the former relationship toill haue on
both parties. r.*, ^ uio,ri r.rro* her'career. Charles still has a signifi-
workers' finding orri (*u,,uging the cant ability to s.hape her career by
external relatiinship) can hlunt airtue of his position'
.". i"ify. And vague concerns The problems associated with
"f.",=*fi"t would -fi"pp." if the excessive intimacy can have profes-
attraction dissolved att'd tn.y still sional consequences-. In Margarel's
had to work together make an case, she is left wondering if Charle.s
office involvement more difficult to will inhibit her professional ad-
deal with than other relationships. vancement. In other cases, both
consider the case of charles and married and unmarried partners in-
Margaret:volvedinaromanticsuperior-subor-
charles hired Margaret, who was dinate relationship tend to divert
,;ngl"-,-'tnlo a first-buZl management their energies, uwuy from work'
]ri.- a, prrridrd o uariety oi deu.el- Jhey b.eqrn thinking more about
opmental opportunitirr' io, hr! the 'anticipated liaison after work'
"iur;ng tfie iiist fiue years'of .th.ir or the weekend comin-g -uP'. and
,"'irttZ"rn;p'. Chirles was mmried,, a routine matters at work begin t-o
d.iuision rnanager' and. had. the abili- take longer' Simple reports ,sud-
;;";; r".;i iZ, ona the clout to get denly req:uire lengthy, detailed dis-
-i,e, expo,sure to th,e upp,' leaels" of tt"'io"'' In one such relationship
*ono!"*rnt. When ih'ey *'t, 'h"' that we know of' the superior'and
was a nouice, qnd, lte ias at mid'- the subordinate spent as much as
,oru"l, with significant successes be- two to three hours discussing rou-
hind. him. Nro"rrli-rirri, h" re- tine matters that otherwise would
'rl)rr"a n* ouitity"-oni' po1"rt*/ have taken little more than thirty
and, confirmed to ier the brightnes.s minutes' Not only does this be-
of her future. H" ;;r;;';'-1oi nu n havior make deadlines difficult to

Managing Cross-Gender Mentoring
"At the other extreme of the intimacy
continuum are relationships that are unnecessarily
cool and distant . . . [*hich] reduce the learning for subordinates.
They may conclude that the boss does not care or even
know about them, and this can be
demoralizing."
27
meet, but it also contains an oppor-
tunity cost.
The risks associated with unpro-
ductive internal intimacy include
gtriIt, loss of self-confidence, shame,
loss of reputation among co-
rvorkers, loss of respect for others'
judgment and professional objec-
tivity, divorce or damaged mar-
riages, disrupted careers, loss of
income, Ioss of career oppor-
tunities, loss of references, loss of
focus on iob demands, loss of ana-
li'tic judgment, and even legal suits.
\lanaging lntimacy
Consider some ways to manage
e:ch of the seven problems men-
::oned under "The Developmental
Dilemma":
o Sometimes the attraction that
-eads to a sexual encounter is built
-lron one's admiration for a per-
s,rn's qr-ralities in only one area of
ri. or her life-to the exclusion of
-:-.e: aspects of the person which
-'. r. :-. : be so attractive. Ignorance
- .,,,i :,, bliss. if vou will. One
- - :--'r.: this phenomenon is
: --l-. e cerson's traits-
:::lellectual in-
,-,,: rie t s. and
shortcomings, you can focus on
them enough to offset your attrac-
tion to his or her strong traits.
o If, as a manager, you find that
your concern for the well-being of
the subordinate is beginning to be-
come desire, you might ask yourself
what impact a liaison would have
on the person's career. Are the
outcomes of an affair likely to lead
to continued career growth or to
the list of problems outlined above?
Use your concern for the other
person to fight against its becoming
desire.
o An informal style (using first
names, going to the subordinate's
office, talking without scheduled
appointments, and talking about
topics other than business) is im-
portant to building an effective
developmental relationship. To pre-
vent informality from leading to
intimacy, keep to first names only;
do not use pet names or terms of
endearment. Also, keep your dis-
tance. Avoid touching, brushing up
against, and sitting close to the
other. As innocent as some say the
"hello" or "goodbye" embrace is, it
still involves bodily contact. Des-
mond Morris, for instance, has ob-
s'erved a hierarchy of the parts of
the body on a scale of intimacy.s
\Vhen one begins touching some-
thing other than a hand, an arm, or
a shoulder, one begins to intrude
E. Desmond Morris, Manwatching (New
\-::s: Harn' N. Abrams, 1977): 9l-l0l; see
-:: Edrrard T. Hall, The Hidden Dimension
\eru \-o:k: Doubledar', 1966): I3-14.
upon culturally defined intimacy
zones, and this can build intimacy
in the relationship.
. Open communication is a ma-
jor plus and a potential pitfall. Do
nof express feelings of intimacy to
the other. You may believe that, if
you feel attracted to a subordinate,
you should be frank and open
about it-and should pursue means
of managing the relationship to-
gether. These feelings are manifesta-
tions of the desire to pursue the
relationship, not to mffrage it. Find
someone else to talk to. Also, learn
to distinguish between "personal"
and "private" matters. Personal
ways of coping with work, and with
events at home that can affect one's
performance on the job, are "per-
sonal" matters but pertinent to the
workplace. Discussing one's honey-
moon, fantasies, feelings of atttac-
tion, or personal clothing are "pri-
vate." Try to anticipate alternative
outcomes of topics and avoid those
discussions that could lead to pri-
vate, especially sexual, topics.
. With regard to managing role
complementarity, we suggest an ex-
ercise similar to the one outlined in
item one. Clarify on paper all the
areas of the other's life in which
you feel it is professionally appro-
priate to have an impact. Then
consciously avoid making com-
ments or suggestions about how the
subordinate ought to behave in
other areas.
o To deal with the risks of fre-
quent meetings, avoid meeting
sne c. <s :-
all. Har:ng

28
subordinates. TheY maY conclude
that the boss does not care or even
know about them, and this can be
demoralizing. Salary increases and
promotions are not enough to moti-
vate many PeoPle to their best
efforts-not onlY in Producing but
also in learning. When a subordinate
is not willing io give his or her best
efforts, the manager and the busi-
ness will suffer. Half-involved em-
ployees can hurt the manager, too,
when he or she is readY to move on
and no one is readY to take over the
job.
Managing Distance
Managing the External Relationship
alone too often, esPeciallY after
hours. Leave the door oPen if You
are meeting on the job. TrY to
assess the proPortion of Your time
spent alone together and keeP it to
a minimum. tf You are not alone
together, you cannot get involved'
o Do not press for schedule
changes that get the two of You-
togetler alone under conditions of
striss. Involve others if You find
this situation necessary.
All of these suggestions assume
a d.esire to maintain a professional,
platonic relationshiP. There u{"
iome who believe that romantic
involvement at the office can actu-
ally improve work productivity and
effectiveness.e If you are not con-
vinced that romantic involvement
with a superior or a subordinate
should be avoided, we encourage
you to review carefullY the ljst of
iirkr. lt even then You desire to
persist, at least you can tell yourself
iater that you went ahead knowing
the dangers.
The Risks of Distance
At the other extreme of the inti-
macy continuum are relationshiPs
that are unnecessarily cool and dis-
tant, Managers who choose this
kind of relaiionship with their sub-
ordinates often cite the adage, "If
vou get too close, You can't make
it,e t6,rgft decisions." We agree that
keeping completely emotionally un-
invotved with Your subordinates
will make it easier to rePrimand,
demote, or even fire them. And it
certainly takes less time. But we do
not agree that You cannot gwe
negativl feedback to,or fire peop-le
*lio* you are concerned about' In
fact, irr some cases, having an active
concern for the PoorlY Performing
subordinate makes it easier to sug-
gest other work, because the boss
iants the person to succeed and
can see that that will not haPPen in
the currentjob.
UnnecessarilY distant working
relationships reduce the learning for
9. Terri Schultz, "In Defense of the Office
Romance," SattaY,MaY 1982t b4'
There are some things a ma.nager
can do to develoP more close,
effective developmental relation-
ships. The seven steps outllne-d in
the previous section will heIP a
great deal. ManY of these actions,
f,o*"u.t, do not come naturallY to
everyone. If You want to work on
deveioping a more productive devel-
oprt.niul telationship with a subor-
dinate, we encourage You to exer-
cise some skill and courage in self-
examination. The questions in the
accompanYing box on assessmg
causes- of unProductive distance
may help yo, io do that. BasicallY,
they ask you to look systemai]cally
at yourself, at Your subordinate,
and at your relationshiP to assess
the practical realities of growing
closei. Once you are able to identi-
fy the obstacles that keeP You from
drawing closer, You can assess
whether or not You can or want to
do something about them'
onsider now the external re-
lationship. The Problem here
is not ih'e actual level of
intimacy between mentor and Pro-
tege, but the conclusions drawn bY
otLers in the organizaion and in
public. It is not useful simPlY to
iay, "I am not resPonsible for what
others think." As a manager, You
are responsible for what others
think to the extent that influencing
what they think is the main means
by which you are able to motivate
them. You maY not be having an
affair, but if the rest of the com-
pany thinks that You are, Yolr
iff.ttiu".,.ss will be limited just the
same.
The Risks of Perceived IntimacY
When colleagues conclude that You
are involved in an affair, theY lose
respect for your judgment' Il Jl"
first place, as a group they probably
believe that intra-comPanY ro-
mances are inaPProPriate. Second,
A Guide to Assessing Causes
of Unproductive Distance
Assessing Yourself
Am I reallY concerned about mY
subordinates' develoPment and
growth?
Am I willing to devote time and
energy to my subordinates' develop-
ment and growth?
Do I enjoy tatking with people about
their goals, aspirations, and develop-
mental needs?
Assessing Your Sub ordinate
What are his or her goals in life?
Are theY interested in learning
more? (Don't be too quick to saY no')
How does each individual Prefer to
learn? (Talking, watching, reading,
doing, or reflecting?)
Does she or he have the raw Poten-
tial to move uP?
How does he or she relate to authori-
ty? (Comfortably, by retreating, feax-
fully?)
Ass e ssing Y o ur R elationshiP
Do I resPect mY subordinate? Does
he or she resPect me?
How frequentlY do we meet?
How much do we trust each other?
How much time do we reasonablY
spend together?
An imPortant Point to remem-
ber here is that most PeoPle will
not welcome sudden and uncharac-
teristic changes in your behavior'
Having "psy-hed You out," theY
will be suspicious of your attempts
to change-and thus may exert
some pressure on You to behave in
the old ways. OnlY if You are clear
about what You are trYing to,ac-
compiish and about Your - un{e1-
lvins motivations will You be able
t; "or"r.o*" these obstacles to
chansins vour behavior in Your
r.luti"o.rlhip s with s ub ordinates'

Managing C,ross-Gender l\Ientoring
they assume that you will favor the
protege over others regardless of
the merits of the individuals or
their work. No matter how many
times you tell them otherwise, they
rvill not believe it, for their own
experience has been to the con-
trary. In this sense, their conclu-
sions are drawn more from their
inabilities to separate romantic,
subjective involvement from obiec-
tive judgment than from your abili
tie s.Overt acts of favoritism or even
the belief on the part of colleagues
that covert acts of favoritism are
taking place can demoralize the
work force and dissolve their re-
spect and loyalty for you as a
leader and a manager. Believing that
the protege has an inside track for
the major rewards, the others give
up and resign themselves to second-
ary positions or begin to try to find
rvays to sabotage the protege, the
mentor, or both. Not all of these
outcomes are helpful to you as an
individual mimager or to the organi-
zation as a whole.
When the intimacy is thought to
include sexual favors, the problems
are even more severe. People usual-
ir leap to the conclusion that the
boss can no longer see the protege
or the other subordinates objec-
tivelr,--that the boss's judgment is
compromised. This belief under-
mines the respect subordinates have
ior their bosses. Having lost this
respect, the boss is severely ham-
pered in his or her attempts to
manage.
-\nother negative outcome of
-:, =s-iender developmental rela-
-- :..::i:s beine thought to be too
-r-1-rr-:t: :s : reinforcement of hiS-
: :.- - l-::c: :l:-inSt \r'Omen in the
:-i: -.-.-. P. :. le rr'ho believe that
'.1 ,=-.:. s::--.-; i,,.: be in manage-
viduals also can be disastrous. They
range from discomfort to being
passed over for promotion to termi-
nation from the organization, and
even to close scrutiny by the mass
media. In such cases, personal as
well as professional reputations are
called into question. Caxeers, even
lives, can be permanently damaged.
Managing Perceptions of Intimacy
We can separate the facts surround-
ing your internal relationship with a
subordinate from the conclusions
formed by others-which is the
external relationship with your co-
workers. The reality of the inti-
macy in the internal relationship is
not the issue here; rather the crucial
point is the conclusions that your
colleagues draw.
You can do several things to
influence your co-workers' conclu-
sions about you and your relation-
ship with a protege of the opposite
sex:o Let others witness the subordi-
nate's skiil. Invite other senior man-
agers and subordinates to meet of-
ten with you and your opposite-sex
protege even if there is no direct
need for their presence. Given the
opportunity to watch the protege
in action, they can form their own
conclusions about how capable she
or he is and are thus less likely to
be surprised if you promote her or
him.
o Let others see the work that
the subordinate has done. Distri-
bute copies of studies that the
subordinate has written and solicit
comments on them. Again, co-
workers can in this way form their
own conclusions about the exper-
tise of the protege.
o Avoid long, after-hours meet-
ings. Schedules sometimes demand
this, but overtime work may soon
become "extracurricular" activity
in the eyes of others.
r IJse the same language and
tone of voice with the protege that
\-ou do rvith others. Pet expres-
sions. nicknarnes, and inside jokes
are signals to others that there is
somethilg special in the relation-
ship between you and your protege .
Don't emphasize that special quali-
ty. o Romantic relationships are of-
ten characterized by spontaneity. If
you schedule meetings well in ad-
vance and let others know about
them, they are less likely to con-
clude that there is an affair going
on. Plan ahead.
o In promoting a protege, allow
sufficient time to pass for others in
the organization to be as convinced
as you are that your protege is
worthy of additional responsibility.
The time lost waiting for others to
conclude as you have is nothing
compared to the time, energy, and
reputation lost in having to deal
with companywide or nationwide
gossip and innuendo.
These few simple suggestions
will go a long way to helping you
manage your external relationship
with your co-workers. They do not
ask that you give up favoritism in
its positive sense of rewarding tal-
ent. They do ask that you make
sure that others in the orgatization
are given sufficient opportunity to
see for themselves the justification
for that favoritism.
The suggestions also imply that
during the transition period in
which women in management are
relatively rare and under scrutiny,
you may have to follow a path of
unequal treatment in order to get
equal opportunity for your female
subordinates. This is not to say that
they are less capable or that they
need more support. Rather, we feel
that the biases built into our cul-
ture for several generations should
be recognized and managed. Given
that cross-gender relationships will
always carry with them the possi-
bility of sexual liaison and the
accompanying criticism of clouded
judgment and unfair favoritism, it
may be that this unequal treatment
(avoiding one-on-one business meet-
ings over drinks with females while
feeling free to have them with
males, for example) will becorne
just an established part of dealing
I

30
2,
"The male manager who feels
that he should treat his female subordinates
no differently from his male subordinates is open to
greater liability (not necessarily through any fault of his own)
than the manager who recognizes the dangers
and "':i :fl#ffiT iff"ff:lf Ptions
with subordinates of the opposite
sex and will no longer be thought
of as unequal treatment. Whether it
does or not, we believe that the
male manager who feels that he
should treat his female subordinates
no differently from his male suh-
ordinates is open to greatff liability
(not necessarily through any fault
of his own) that the manager who
recognizes the dangers and tries to
manage the perceptions of those
who observe.
It is important to note, too,
that the responsibility to manage
these relationships does not lie only
with the superior. Consider this
example:
George was the president of a
manufacturing company with four-
teen plants. Haaing felt the need for
more up-to-d.ate skills in his mmt-
agement ranks, he hired Barbara the
year she graduated with an MBA.
George created a netD position for
her in which she had to collect cost
data from all fourteen sites, analyze
it, and then make recommendations
to the plant managers, often thirty
to forty years her senior but less
educated, as to how they could
reduce their expenses. George circu-
lated a nl,erno to the plant managers
and to the home office senior man-
agement introducing Barbara and
describing her new responsibilities.
During the first six months of her.
new job, Barbara met frequently
and alone with George to discuss
ways in which she might gain the
confidence of the plant managers
and ouercome the credibility gap
created by her age, education, and
sex-Barbara was n'Lore concerned
than her boss about how she would
be perceiued in the organization.
After being hired, she began ar-
rangtng to meet all of the plant
rnanagers. If the oice president of
operations uere auailable, she
would get him to traael to the plant
sites to introduce her to the man-
tgers; if not, she would call ahead,
arrange a time and place well in
aduance, and traael alone to meet
them. Gradually, she began to gain
the respect of the plant managers.
Her willingness to listen, to put on
a hard hat, to get to know the
operating problems of each site,
and to be firm when she uas
supported by solid analysis contri-
buted greatly to her acceptance.
On one occasion, Barbara was
scheduled to worh all day with a
man, at a plant site, to deaelop a
new procedures rnanual. The plant
did not haue a conference roon1., so
it looked like the two would be
meeting in Barbara's hotel room
throughout her aisit. Barbara was
concerned that the meeting would
conaey inappropriate images to the
rest of the plant workers and re-
duce her effectiueness on the job.
She discussed the aryangernent with
George, her boss, in adaance, and
with his counsel she decided to go
ahead with the rneeting. By talking
the matter oaer with seaeral people
and by letting the people at the
plant hnow well in adaance exactly
what the agenda for the day was,
she rnanaged to auoid eliciting sus-
picious thought and stories.
Three years later, Barbara as-
sesses her relationship with George:
"He's absolutely wonderful. He is
always willing to spend whateaer
time necessary to help me or others
deal with problems. He neaer ac-
cepts a problem I try to giue him.
For example, in relationships with.
people, he says, 'You're a big girl
now, hand,le it!' And yet he sup-
ports nxy responsibilities. Plant
managers know that they don't
haue the option to say that they are
too busy to see me.
"Wheneuer I am stumbling, he'll
help out. He will spend whateaer
time I ask for. We spend a great
deal of time talhing about relation-
ships with people in the conxpany.
You know,'How do you work with
this person effectiaely? How do
you get these people to uork to-
gether better?"'
This example points out the
contrast in results that a careful
attention to the management of
cross-gender developmental rela-
tionships can create. Compare the
outcome of George and Barbara's
experience with that of Charles and
Margaret.
The Risks of Perceived Distance
Although the personal and profes-
sional consequences of keeping un-
productive distance in your rela-
tionships with your colleagues are

Managrng Cross-Gender Mentoring
not so immediate and inflammatory
as those associated with unproduc-
tive intimac), there are drawbacks.
If others see you as aloof and
untouchable, they may be less will-
ing to learn from you and less
willing to follow you in critical
situations. They also will not work
to develop comfortable lines of
communication with you. If subor-
dinates and others feel that they
cannot approach you regularly and
informally, you may be much less
able to get information valuable to
you in your role as a people man-
ager. The grapevine will pass your
office by and you may be "blind-
sided" by production problems on
a new line or growing unrest among
wage eamers who want to organize.
This kind of isolation can mean
unnecessary delays in work or a
lack of coordination between peo-
ple who arr. k.y figures in the
success of a particular project. In
the typical cross-gender relation-
ship, it may also signal to the rest
of the organization that you as a
male manager do not like having
women around, that you consider
them to be tokens, and that they
should not be included in the main-
stream of the work.
Equally as significant, but more
long-term in nature, is that you
may be unable to foster the devel-
opment of your subordinates as
much as you or your superiors
rvould like. Over the years, you
may get a reputation as a strict
manager and one who is able to
make the tough decisions, but also
as one who has not prepared any-
one for the future leadership of the
organization.
\Ianaging Perceptions of Distance
There are several things you can do
to manage your reputation as an
unnecessarily distant b oss :
o Take your subordinates to
lunch. Rotate your companions so
that everyone in the office has a
reqular chance to talk to you one-
e)n-One.
o Circr-rlate. Come out from be-
hind vour desk and stroll the office.
Ask how people are doing and what
the current problems are. This is
not a waste of time. The effects are
not immediately seen, but eventu-
ally people will respond positively
to your concern.
r Smile a little. Some managers
become so engrossed in their work
that they present a more austere
facade than they want or than is
productive. Other people would
rather work with those who can
enjoy their work. It is contagious.
o Talk occasionally about per-
sonal things (but notpriuate things,
remember) as well as professional
topics. Let people know you are
human. They will be more eager to
follow you.
These suggestions are not in-
tended to press you to change your
personality. They are things that
managers with diverse styles all can
do.
CI o*. mav conclude from their
\.xperience, irom accounts
r,*-/published in the press, or even
from this article that they should
avoid building developmental rela-
tionships with persons of the op-
posite sex since the very charac-
teristics that would make the rela-
tionships effective also tend to
make them intimate. The risks
exist, but the conclusion is not
dictated by them. Coaches can ac-
tively manage the developmental
relationship so that there is arr
optimal level of closeness which
leads to interpersonal learning with-
out compromising the internal or
external relationships of either
party.
There are numerous examples
of men and women who haue
worked and learned together effec-
tively and who haae experienced
,the many benefits of a productive
association. George and Barbara are
one such case. Men and women can
learn much about effective manage-
ment from each other, for they
bring to the work setting different
perspectives and styles developed
from different early life expe-
riences. Men, for example, often
can learn to develop their nurturing
sides, while women may learn to
develop their assertive and prob-
lem-solving sides. When the internal
and external relationships are man-
aged effectively, cross-gender de-
velopmental relationships can con-
tribute a great deal to personal and
or gatizational e ff ectivenes s.
Achieving such results requires
skill, interest, and effort. Both men
and women have to examine their
assumptions, attitudes, and be-
havior to insure that they are not
creating obstacles to enhancing the
developmental aspects of their
cross-gender relationships. Male
coaches who behave in overprotec-
tive ways, who resent females'
achievements, or who feel threat-
ened by competent women are not
likely to be available for develop-
mental relationships with women.
Similarly, women who diminish
their own competence and poten-
tial, who categorize men as adver-
saries rather than colleagues, and
who do not ask for help when it is
required will not pave the way for
enhancing relationships with male
managers. A willingness to look at
yourself and to challenge the as-
sumptions that inhibit the growth
of productive male-female relation-
ships at work is critical to the
formation of those relationships.
Once cross-gender relationships
exist, a primary developmental task
becomes managing the level of
closeness in the relationship. The
developmental dilemma outlined
earlier is very real for individuals in
cross-gender developmental rela-
tionships. Finding an appropriate
balance of intimacy and distance
that facilitates learning, growth,
and productivity is a responsibility
that both individuals share. We be-
lieve, however, that it is the poten-
tial coaches-those with greater ex-
perience, power, and organization
clout-who must take the initiative
for managing these relationships.
We conclude that extremes of
intimacy and distance in both inter-
nal and external relationships make
them less productive than theY
31
I

"Finding an apProPriate balance
of intimacy and-distance that facilitates learning,
growth, and productivity is a _responsibility
that both individuals share."
could be. Managers who wish to
develop talented subordinates of
both sexes will be interested in
managing the qualities of their rela-
tionships with those subordinates
(the internal relationship) and per-
ceptions of the relationships by the
rest of the organization (the exter-
nal relationship) to enhance the
effectiveness of all concerned. Our
suggestions for doing this are not
complete and will not aPPIY to
every situation, but theY Point the
way. We encourage You to consider
them and their applicability to your
environment and to Your relation-
ships. We believe that good manage-
riJ behavior includes a sensitivity
to the needs of one's subordinates,
an awareness of the characteristics
of effective developmental relation-
ships, and the mental toughness to
do what has to be done, not onlY to
achieve business goals, but also to
develop the managers of tomor-
row. D