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Parenting After the Death of a Spouse
Hilda R. Glazer, EdD, PCC-S
1,2
, Myra D. Clark, MA, PCC-S
2
,
Rebecca Thomas, MS
2
, and Heather Haxton, MS
2
Abstract
The death of a spouse is a complicated experience in a family. Understanding the circumstances of the loss is part of the family’s
healing process. The current qualitative phenomenological study builds on the existing studies by focusing on the lived experience
of parents as they transition to single parenthood. Six individuals participated in this study. Data analysis revealed 5 themes related
to the change to single parenting after the loss of the spouse including the need to revision the parenting role and the role of
support. The study has implications for the design of interventions and groups following the death of a spouse.
Keywords
bereavement, bereaved spouses, parenting and grief, grief and loss
The loss of a spouse is a complicated experience in the life of a
family. Understanding the circumstances of the loss and the
secondary losses that accompany a death is part of the healing
process for the entire family.
There are a variety of research studies that focus on the impact
of a death on a family. Lehman et al
1
noted that there are negative
individual effects of a death on each member of the family. They
also found that relationships between parents and children seem,
in general, to become stronger through such adverse conditions.
Other studies that looked at the adjustment to widowhood found
that adjustment was related to the age of the bereaved person, the
circumstances of the death, the care-giving experiences, psycho-
logical distress, physical health problems, current social support,
and the use of community services.
2
Most of the research has focused on the children and widows
in midlife. Little research was located in which the parent of
young children was the participant. Parental reports suggest
that the death of a parent or sibling is overwhelmingly negative
for children.
1
This study also found that social supports were
often a mitigating factor in the family’s response to the death.
Other studies have found that bereaved spouses may have a
limited capacity to parent. The Family Styles Bereavement
Project conducted a mixed study of both qualitative and quan-
titative information for the purpose of analyzing the behaviors
of newly bereaved parents within their parenting role.
3
This
mixed methodology study found 9 consistent parenting
behavior categories: (a) facilitating a child’s relationship to the
deceased parent, (b) communicating information about the ill-
ness and death, (c) communicating about feelings, (d) main-
taining a stable environment, (e) obtaining additional support
for the child, (f) awareness and responsiveness to the child’s
loss-related needs, (g) managing a child’s exposure to the dying
or deceased parent, (h) participating in the funeral services, and
(i) meaning-making with the child.
3
Through detailed attention
to interview data, researchers were able to distill ‘‘meaning
units’’ that created a framework for understanding the parent-
ing of bereaved children.
3
By assessing these themes, research-
ers were able to record the challenges and competencies that
grieving parents brought to their relationships.
3
Consequently,
this information allowed professionals to work with parents
and children to emphasize strengths and work through the chal-
lenging areas.
3
An older study by Seigel et al
4
found that the parental con-
fidence in the period before death was significantly lower than
the levels they remembered for the period prior to their
spouse’s diagnosis. This was most evident in the capacity to
be emotionally sensitive and responsive to their children’s
needs and the ability to discipline.
Midlife widows report many practical, emotional, and finan-
cial struggles according to Scannell-Desch, who conducted a
qualitative interview study of 10 widows between the ages of
35 and 60.
5
This study also indicated that midlife widows
reported 2 areas they perceived as triumphs in the time follow-
ing their husband’s death: ‘‘triumphing of self and triumphing
in my environment.’’
5(p20,21)
Triumphing of self was described
as circumstances where the widows met a challenge with an
inner quality or attitude of determination.
5
‘‘Triumphing in
my environment’’ was reported as circumstances where the
widows met a challenge by reacting with a behavior that was
previously deemed within the milieu of their spouse.
5(p21)
This
phenomenological study provided the opportunity for these
1
Harold Abel School of Psychology, Capella University, Minneapolis, MN, USA
2
Mount Carmel Hospice, Columbus, OH, USA
Corresponding Author:
Hilda R. Glazer, 2180 Bryden Road, Bexley, OH 43209, USA.
Email: Hilda.Glazer@capella.edu
American Journal of Hospice
& Palliative Medicine
®
27(8) 532-536
ªThe Author(s) 2010
Reprints and permission:
sagepub.com/journalsPermissions.nav
DOI: 10.1177/1049909110366851
http://ajhpm.sagepub.com
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widows to examine and process the loss of their spouses.
Furthermore, this phenomenological study provided the frame-
work for grieving widows to identify themes of resiliency.
5
In a qualitative study involving 12 children between the ages
of 9 and 12 who had lost a parent in the last 36 months, themes
of resiliency were culled from the interviews and ‘‘biblionarra-
tives’’ of the participants.
6
The theory was that mourners are
experts in their own grief and are most able to identify the com-
plexities involved in grieving as well as figuring out what adap-
tation is needed.
6
Eppler advocates for additional qualitative
and quantitative research ‘‘to explore the theme of resiliency
within mourning.’’
6(p194)
The current study builds on the existing studies by focusing
on the lived experience of the parents as they transition to sin-
gle parenthood. The experience of the bereaved spouse in this
changed role rather than how he or she parented was a focus of
this study. The purpose of the study is to explore the lived expe-
rience of parents who have lost a spouse as they transition to
single parenting.
Method
Participants
The sample for the study was parents whose spouse died and
who were also attending a family support group supported by
a hospice in a large Midwestern city. Of the 7 parents who were
contacted by the researchers to participate in the study, 6
agreed. The criterion for inclusion was that the couple was liv-
ing together with their children at the time of the death.
Design
This study was a qualitative phenomenological study describ-
ing the lived experiences for several individuals regarding the
experience of parenting following the death of a spouse.
7
The
phenomenological study seeks to visualize the conscious mean-
ing of an experience to the individuals and to provide a compre-
hensive description of that experience.
8
The core process is
Epoche, which requires that we look at things in a new way,
that is, we learn to see what is standing in front of us that we
can distinguish and describe.
8
Instead of theorizing from these views and generating a theore-
tical model, phenomenologists describe what all participants
have in common as they experience a phenomenon (eg, grief,
anger). In this way, phenomenologists work much more from
the participants’ specific statements and experiences rather than
abstracting from their statements to construct a model from the
researcher’s interpretations as in ‘‘grounded theory.’’
9(p252)
The product of the analysis of units of meaning is the develop-
ment of a consistent description of the experience.
8
Procedure
The study was approved by the hospital institutional review
board. Following the signing of the consent form, the parents
were interviewed by either the 2 research assistants or the pri-
mary investigator and a research assistant. One conducted the
interview and the other compiled a transcript of the interview.
Immediately following the interview, the researchers reviewed
the transcript for accuracy. The interviews were in the form of a
conversation about a topic associated with parenting their chil-
dren after the death of a spouse. Although there was no single
set of questions, a list of probing questions were developed that
could be used to obtain additional information about an area
that the participant brings up in conversation. Each interviewer
had a list of guiding questions that encouraged the participant
to attend to the actual, everyday experience. These included:
We’re going to talk about parenting today and how things
have changed.
Tell us how it was when you both were parenting.
(If not sudden death): How did parenting change over time?
What was it like being a parent when your spouse was
dying?
What has changed now in your parenting? When did you
see this changing?
How it is different parenting one child from the other?
Tell me how it’s been becoming the only parent?
What have you gained from this experience?
Is there something you didn’t expect in being a single
parent?
All participants were asked if it was all right to send the inter-
view transcripts to them to review for accuracy. They were told
they could make additional comments. One participant re-
turned the transcripts with a comment. Each interview lasted
approximately 50 minutes. For parents for whom this was a
stressful experience, debriefing included the offer of individual
counseling sessions with a bereavement counselor.
Data Analysis
The original protocols were analyzed using the procedure
developed by Moustakas and described by Creswell.
7,8
A con-
stant comparison method was used. Statements were trans-
formed into units of meaning, themes of meaning and tied
together to make a general description of the experience.
7
The
data were clustered. Patterns emerged and over-reaching
themes were identified through reflective analysis and interpre-
tation. The parents were all given the opportunity to review the
transcripts and make any edits they wished. Only 1 parent made
minor edits.
Results
Description of Participants
Six parents agreed to participate in the study. Of these, 2 were
male and 4 were female. All women reported themselves as
being Catholic and attending church regularly and the 2 men
noted that they attended church services. All parents were cur-
rently attending or had recently attended a family grief support
Glazer et al 533
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group program. Of the parents 3 had 1 child and 3 had 3 chil-
dren. The age range for the deceased parent was 34 to 56 with 3
aged 41 or younger and 3 aged from 45 to 56. The causes of
death varied; 2 deaths were accidental, 1 following a heart
attack with no previous illness, 2 were from cancer, and 1 was
from illness.
Themes
Five themes were identified that related to the transition to single
parenting after the death of a spouse: (1) grief related to loss, (2)
changes in parenting style, (3) taking on the role of the other, (4)
support from family and friends, and (5) support from groups.
Theme 1: Grief Related to Loss. The first theme was the grief
related to the loss of the partner in parenting and the impact
of the loss on the family. Four of the six parents told the story
of the loss as part of the interview. One parent expressed her
grief both at the time immediately following the death and
ongoing. Following are supporting quotes from the parents:
Before it was all of us together [and we] were a family; now it’s
just him [son] and I. It’s nice to have a laugh, but you still feel
that something’s missing type of thing.
I think one of those things that parents won’t know until they
go through it is that you forget that you’re not all feeling the
same thing on the same day at the same time. I’ll have those
days when I hear a song, and I’ll just feel so blue. I forget that
the kids have those, too. It’s like working with Jell-O.
What are you supposed to do? That was a surprise, some-
thing I wasn’t expecting ... to feel uncomfortable with [my
son].
You know, I’ve said many times how one of my biggest sad-
ness is that I’m not the mother I would’ve been if my husband
were here.
Just how all-consuming the depression can be. I’m not a
depressed person .... There were times I didn’t want to live.
I want to be with [my husband] ... not because I wanted to
be with him but because I didn’t think I have the stamina.
I don’t question why this happened. I miss him; and I wish I
would’ve finished with him. I missed him, but I don’t question.
I’ve actually gone, sat in the parking lot ... but I know that
I’m going to either break down or start shouting if I go in. I
think I’m over the anger, but sometimes ... it’s really weird;
it doesn’t seem like it’s been a year .... Sometimes that’s over-
whelming. It’s like Oh My God, how could a year have passed?
But not having her around is overwhelming sometimes. I
don’t know how to describe it. ... I feel bad for her that she’s
not able to touch him.
Theme 2: Changes in Parenting Style. The second theme that
emerged was the changes that they experienced in their parent-
ing style related to being a single parent and related to the time
since the death. For some it meant an immediate change in par-
enting style while for others it meant a gradual change. There
was also the loss of the routine and not having the other as a
support for them.
Yeah, I’m more relaxed, less stringent ... which isn’t good.
The kids see that and tend to take advantage somewhat.
And, then I really do feel at a loss ... what to do, what to say
to him sometimes. I have to take on more authority because his
Dad isn’t there.
I’m the mean Mom; I’m the exhausted Mom. ... It’s three
against one. ... I’m a much more tired and angry Mom than I
would’ve been before .... We’re not the happy, laughing family
anymore .... It’s exhausting because so much is dependent on me.
I didn’t see much of a change because I was the initial dis-
ciplinarian, the initial parent on top of things. They are all girls.
[He] would step in if I needed backup, but typically I was the
first defense line.
I think I’ve relaxed a little bit more. I don’t get all bent out of
shape from the little things anymore .... I’m picking my bat-
tles a lot more.
I think of the Bill Cosby phrase, ‘‘Parents aren’t interested in
justice, they’re interested in quiet.’’ If you are going to sit there
and fight it out, then do it. I just don’t feel like dealing with it.
Don’t call me and don’t bleed on my carpet.
I’ve relaxed a bit more; I’m not as demanding as I was. I’ve
given my kids that you are responsible for you; this is the choice
you’ve made and these are the consequences.
Theme 3: Taking on the Role of the Other. A third theme is com-
pensating for the other not being there. The parents spoke about
taking on the role of the other or not being able to be both
parents and how they feel about that. It was related to the
child’s loss of the other parent and the secondary losses as a
result.
I’m trying to fill 4 pairs of shoes with 2 feet.
It’s hard because you can’t take that person’s place. You
can’t be that person, or that other parent for that child.
He’s a teen now. For me, I have to learn him all over again.
To try to fill that space, it’s really challenging. I don’t know
how to be a dad to him. The things he’s interested in, cars, and
he knows a lot about cars. It’s something they did together ....
We can’t really relate on this.
We are definitely closer to each other because of the lack of
his father.
It’s knowing you can’t replace that person, and it’s like,
how? What?
Her mom was always on her, reading ... all this homework,
algebra, and stuff. I’m lost in it.
Theme 4: Support From Family and Friends. The fourth and fifth
themes are related to support the parents received after the
death. Theme 4 is related to support from family and friends.
There is a tug between wanting to have others there to help and
knowing that you have to go through this yourself.
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But there are really only a few people that I feel like really
understand what I’m going through ... as far as a couple of
friends that have come through the whole scenarios, have gone
through the whole caretaker role.
I think I’m doing better at reaching out, calling people ....
Yeh, I feel I have support, but some things, you just have to go
through them. You can’t depend on people all the time.’’
I feel my spiritual life is a big plus for me; it’s a big support
for me.
I really do have a lot of support. I’m really glad. It would be
really hard to do this by yourself.
You definitely do realize who is there for you and who is not.
Having joint friends, the friends that were closer to him kind of
disappear. And the friends who are closer to me have become
closer. I don’t have a problem asking for help, but I know who
I can ask and who I can’t.
My sister came to help. She immediately left her husband
and kids and came ... . We had support from October 1 through
Thanksgiving, but by that time we were ready to be together.
It was a real blessing when people started writing cards and
coming around.
I have a friend at church; we became friends because of this.
His wife passed away 10 years ago ... but he reached out to
me, gave me a hug and started talking to me about his wife.
He shared with me.
All my neighbors have been very supportive, kids in the
neighborhood .... I’m getting to know all the neighbors now
.... Everyone has been very supportive.
My boss because she’d lost her husband. My in-laws: they
help with babysitting. The church, the people asking constantly
and taking genuine concern.
Theme 5: Support From Groups. Theme 5 is related to attending a
support group and forming a community with others who have
lost someone that they love and who have children. The groups
not only provide support but help each to know that they are not
the only one going through this.
We have a ‘‘circle’’ at church that meets every other week and a
women’s group that meets every other week, and they’ve been a
big help.
It’s not always that easy to talk and sometimes I feel like I’m
talking too much. It helps me to talk and to listen to others.
Every situation is different, but there are some common themes.
It’s helpful to hear others going through difficult times ...
because you start to feel like you’re the only one. It’s been
really helpful for me to be here.
Gives you an outlet to make you feel that you’re not alone in
the thoughts you think and the feelings you feel.
I know I’m not alone and not the only one dealing with it.
Just from the groups I’ve been in, it’s opened up a—before I
was feeling why, why, why?
I’m glad I had an opportunity to come to a place ... when I
lost my Dad in’73, they didn’t have a place like this. It really
helps to have somebody see a little bit better. Especially when
you know that you truly aren’t alone in situations like that.
I think it’s nice ... it’s nice that you’re reaching out [to] the
parents .... I think the parents need just as much help with it
too.
I went to the grief share program at church .... The reason
is that there were 6 or 7 of us that were there every week. We
really connected with each other. We knew each other’s situa-
tions, who we lost, etc.
Discussion
The bereaved parents interviewed for this study presented with
a set of core strengths and challenges. Their parenting style and
all other relationships were described as having been impacted
by this major loss. The most important relationship they are
experiencing following the death of their spouse is the relation-
ship that they now have with themselves. This new relationship
with self included their perception of self, confidence in parent-
ing, and resilience, as well as their feelings of belonging to a
new community and maintaining their relationships in their
new community, including with their immediate and extended
family.
The parent identified the uniqueness of his or her own situ-
ation and identified secondary losses (many of which were
related to parenting) that accompanied the loss of the spouse.
One of the bereaved spouses attended church services and
sought support from church, grief groups, and friends. This
faith group was one of the major supports for the individual.
Involvement in a support group was seen as an important part
of the support system and adjustment to life without the spouse.
The individuals reported feeling normalized by themes
expressed by others.
Understanding their role in the family was one issue for
these parents. They had to figure out their role as a single parent
and to what extent they had to take on the role of the other
spouse in the family. They perceive that their parental role is
often called into question. The parents are critical of their own
parenting skills. They were not confident in their general par-
enting skill and especially in their skill in parenting grieving
children. They felt that they were relearning the parenting role
as a single adult. They also saw that they changed over time as
a parent and as they processed their grief.
The transition to being a single parent following the death of
a spouse is a difficult time. Although spouses may take on more
parenting responsibility during the illness preceding the death,
the absence due to death of the other parent made a real differ-
ence in the life of the family.
In working with grieving families, often the primary empha-
sis is on the children. Parent groups that provide the opportu-
nity for grieving spouses to meet those in a similar situation,
to share their stories, and to support each other in this time of
transition may be an important part of the grieving and healing
process. It will be important for the therapists and those
facilitating groups to be cognizant of the needs of these parents
and the supports available to them. The support group setting
can be encouraging to their adjustment and growth as a single
parent.
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The findings of this study have implications for the design of
support and therapy groups for the grieving parent. Focusing on
the relationship and allowing the grieving parent to explore the
relationships he or she is a part of is critical.
The parents who participated in the study were clear in stat-
ing that they and their children benefit from support. They
expressed appreciation that programs offer family-focused sup-
port as well as individual counseling for adults and children.
Inherent throughout their discussions was the theme of not
being the parent that they envisioned they would be due to the
death of their spouse. Grief is also the death of a dream and
these parents felt that without their mate they were less than
what they were when they had a partner in parenting. The
theme of being less was carried into self-esteem and confidence
issues.
Scannell-Desch’s
5
research describing how widows learned
to navigate their environment by successfully managing an area
that was previously assigned to their spouse points out the nec-
essary skill of relearning their world. Many secondary losses
accompany the death of a parent or spouse for the family unit.
Accommodating to these various losses through reassigning
tasks and prioritizing activities creates vigor within the family
that they have the capacity to survive. Accommodation implies
a willingness to move through the healing to create a new nor-
mal. Grief will be part of this journey as well.
The impact of the death on the family system with young
and teenage children is an area for increased research efforts.
Additionally, while this study looked at those who were in a
support group, parents who are not connected to this type of
support system should also be studied. Having participants who
are or did participate in a support group is one of the limitations
of the study. Longitudinal research focused on the changes over
time for the spouse and children could also be considered.
Declaration of Conflicting Interests
The author(s) declared no conflicts of interest with respect to the
authorship and/or publication of this article.
Funding
The author(s) received no financial support for the research and/or
authorship of this article.
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