Available via license: CC BY 4.0
Content may be subject to copyright.
Cold Intimacies: The Paradox of Digital Dating in China
Yimian Yao1,a,*
1Columbia University, New York, 10025, United States
a. yy3239@Columbia.edu
*corresponding author
Abstract: With the rapid growth of digital technology, digital dating platforms has become
an integral part of social interaction and romantic relationships. In China, the rise of dating
apps has significantly commodified interpersonal engagements. Platforms like Tantan have
not only redefined how young people connect but have also facilitated a new form of “cold
intimacy”. This study explores the evolving landscape of online dating in China, particularly
through the lens of the Tantan app, and examines how it reshapes young people’s perceptions
and practices of intimacy. Using Lauren Berlant’s concept of “cruel optimism,” this paper
investigates how the promise of connection through dating platforms may foster an
attachment to unattainable ideals, leaving users disillusioned. It employs a mixed-methods
approach to analyze user experiences, revealing how online dating commodifies intimacy and
fosters “cold intimacy”, where users quantify and homogenize themselves, catering to
societal and personal expectations. The consequences of this commodification are explored
through Byung-Chul Han’s theories on the impact of consumer culture on human emotions.
Ultimately, this paper concludes that in this consumer-driven, efficiency-obsessed emotional
landscape, the pursuit of authentic intimacy becomes more elusive, as both societal pressures
and digital platforms influence modern love. Understanding these dynamics offers insights
into the challenges faced by contemporary Chinese youth as they navigate their romantic and
emotional lives in a technology-mediated society.
Keywords: Cruel optimism, cold intimacy, commodification, emotional capitalism, digital
dating platforms.
1. Introduction
In April 2017, China’s government issued the Middle- and Long-term Youth Development Plan
(2016-2025), elevating youth dating services to a national priority [1]. Despite efforts to encourage
marriage among young adults, marriage rates continue to decline while the single population grows,
with 134 million unmarried people aged 20-49. As online dating expands, with over 30 million
Chinese users as of June 2022, it provides an efficient way for youth to connect independently. Yet
surveys show that few lasting relationships are established through these platforms, which raises the
issue of why intimate relationships remain elusive despite the convenience of digital connections.
Understanding young singles’ relationship expectations is crucial for the government to effectively
engage with this demographic and support their development in this key life stage.
The concept of “cruel optimism”, as described by Lauren Berlant, may provide some insights into
this phenomenon. Cruel optimism refers to the attachment to objects or experiences that are obstacles
Proceedings of 3rd International Conference on Interdisciplinary Humanities and Communication Studies
DOI: 10.54254/2753-7064/51/20242543
© 2024 The Authors. This is an open access article distributed under the terms of the Creative Commons Attribution License 4.0
(https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/).
100
to one’s flourishing [2]. In the context of online dating, the promise of finding love and connection
through these platforms may be a form of cruel optimism, as the reality often falls short of
expectations. Furthermore, Friedrich Engels’ ideas in The Origins of the Family, Private Property,
and the State suggest that the institution of marriage and the family has been shaped by economic and
social forces throughout history [3]. In the modern era, the rise of digital technologies and the
emotional capitalism they facilitate may be reshaping intimate relationships in ways that prioritize
efficiency and individualism over deeper connection and commitment. Yan Yunxiang’s work on
modern love in China also provides a relevant framework for understanding the challenges of online
dating. Yan argues that the pursuit of romantic love has become a central preoccupation in
contemporary Chinese society [4], but that this ideal is often in tension with the practical realities of
social and economic pressures.
This essay explores how online dating platforms, specifically China’s Tantan app, are reshaping
young people’s perceptions and practices of intimacy through the lens of emotional capitalism and
cold intimacy theory [5]. In an era where emotions and relationships are increasingly commodified,
these platforms are altering the very logic of how connections are formed and maintained. Through
an analysis of young Chinese users’ experiences on Tantan, this study investigates how the app shapes
expectations and perceptions of love, and how these shifting views in turn influence intimate practices.
“Eros as excess and transgression denies both work and bare life” [6]. Philosopher Byung-Chul Han
asserts in his book The Agony of Eros, that the ecstatic, transgressive nature of Eros is at odds with
the efficiency-driven logic of modern society, which frames the central paradox. This essay aims to
unpack the reasons why it is easier than ever to establish superficial digital connections yet harder to
forge deep, intimate bonds in an age of unprecedented technological connectivity. By situating this
question within the context of China’s rapidly evolving dating app scene, this study seeks to delve
into the complex interplay of love, labor, and technology in shaping the affective lives of
contemporary Chinese youth. Furthermore, the research explores how digital dating platforms are
reshaping the modern emotional landscape for young people, emphasizes the growing disconnect
between the pursuit of idealized intimacy and its disappointing reality. By discussing the role of
commodification in these platforms, this paper sheds light on the unintended emotional consequences
that come with swiping for love. The results could provoke deeper reflection about the limits of digital
connection and inspire more human-centered approaches to designing technologists that genuinely
complement emotional fulfillment.
2. Method
This study employs a mixed-methods approach, combining qualitative and quantitative data
collection and analysis to explore the phenomenon of “cold intimacy” in the context of online dating
in China. The primary research platform is Tantan App, one of the mainstream application platforms
for Internet dating in the country. Tantan has a large user base of young people who are facing
pressure to get married and seeking intimate relationships, making it an ideal field site for this study.
The qualitative component of the study involves conducting in-depth interviews and content
analysis to understand the users’ perceptions, experiences, and emotional dynamics of online dating
on Tantan. Interviews are conducted with a diverse sample of Tantan users, focusing on their
motivations, expectations, and emotional responses to the platform. The interview questions aim to
explore the participants’ understanding of intimacy, how they perceive “cold intimacy,” and the
impact of digital interactions on their emotional well-being. Thematic analysis is used to identify
recurring patterns and themes in the interview data, offering insights into the deeper socio-cultural
implications of online dating in China.
The quantitative analysis includes data collection through surveys distributed to a larger group of
Tantan users. The survey collects information on user demographics, usage patterns, and attitudes
Proceedings of 3rd International Conference on Interdisciplinary Humanities and Communication Studies
DOI: 10.54254/2753-7064/51/20242543
101
towards online dating, including their experiences with forming and maintaining relationships on the
platform. Statistical methods are applied to analyze the survey data, using descriptive statistics to
summarize the demographic and behavioral trends, and inferential statistics to identify correlations
between variables such as frequency of use and perceived emotional fulfillment. Data processing is
conducted using statistical software, allowing for the identification of significant trends that can
complement and contextualize the qualitative findings.
3. The Beginning of Cold Intimacy: Self-Quantification and Homogeneity
On the stage of social interaction, young people are often driven by this “rhythm of marriage” set by
mainstream culture: in the short few years after completing their studies, they must face the major
goal of life – getting married. This pressure often makes them feel depressed, as being unmarried
seems to mark them as losers in life. They feel that they are standing still while their married peers
are constantly moving forward. Under the dual pressure of social norms and family expectations,
young people choose to seek intimate relationships through online dating platforms. This pursuit of
love and connection, however, may be a form of “cruel optimism,” as described by Berlant [2]. The
promise of finding an ideal partner through these platforms often falls short of reality, creating a gap
between expectations and experiences.
As young people navigate the world of online dating, they engage in a process of self-
deconstruction and self-presentation that transforms the self into a quantifiable, tradeable, and
competitive commodity. This process, which is referred as “self-quantification” [7], involves
breaking down the self into different parts, such as tastes, ideas, personalities, and temperaments, and
describing each one through standardized questionnaires on dating platforms like Tantan. By
selectively disclosing the parts of themselves that have social or economic value, such as educational
background or family status, individuals endow their “self” with a market value.
However, in the process of actively shaping a widely accepted “self”, individuals often ignore their
true selves, leading to a homogeneous environment. As Friedrich Engels argued in The Origins of the
Family, Private Property, and the State, economic and social forces shape the institution of marriage
and family [3]. In the context of online dating, the rise of digital technologies and the emotional
capitalism they facilitate may be reshaping intimate relationships in ways that prioritize efficiency
and individualism over deeper connection and commitment.
This homogenization is further reinforced by the abstract and anonymous nature of the audience
on digital blind date platforms. Self-presentation is directed at a broad, abstract audience rather than
specific individuals, leading to standardization and the adoption of cultural paradigms of ideal
personality to avoid controversy or dislike. Yan Yunxiang’s work on modern love in China also sheds
light on this phenomenon. Yan argues that the pursuit of romantic love has become a central
preoccupation in contemporary Chinese society, but that this ideal is often in tension with the practical
realities of social and economic pressures [4]. In the context of online dating, the pressure to find a
partner who meets certain criteria may overshadow the desire for a relationship of depth and
uniqueness.
As a result, the process of finding a partner on online dating platforms becomes more akin to
searching for goods in a market that meet certain criteria than seeking a relationship of depth and
uniqueness. This commodification of the self and the homogenization of self-presentation constitute
the beginning of cold intimacy in the digital age.
Proceedings of 3rd International Conference on Interdisciplinary Humanities and Communication Studies
DOI: 10.54254/2753-7064/51/20242543
102
4. The Operation of Cold Intimacy: The Logic of Emotional “Coldness” in Interactive
Situations
Online dating platforms provide users with unique emotional experiences by designing specific
interactive situations. These platforms use algorithms to match users with potential partners every
day, promoting interaction through various functions such as “text pair” and “audio pair”. These
designs shape a specific emotional logic that affects users’ emotional choices, expressions, rhythms,
and expectations.
4.1. Shallowness of Intimacy Emotional Choice
4.1.1. Dependence upon First Meeting
On online dating platforms, huge databases provide many potential candidates. If users have specific
criteria for mate selection, such as hoping to find a partner under 35 years old with a master’s degree
or above, countless people fitting this description will be waiting to be found. Online dating situates
users as choosers from the beginning, giving them unprecedented freedom and power to choose, in
sharp contrast to traditional dating methods that often require a long period of observation and
understanding before making a choice.
In an online dating environment, users only need to click “like” or “dislike” to decide whether to
choose the other person, a rapid selection process often completed before actual interaction. This
selectivity introduces a new kind of interchangeability, profoundly changing the public’s view of
emotional life. In the digital emotional world, with so many potential candidates, users can easily fall
into the notion that every object can be replaced by someone else, making it easier to quickly browse
and evaluate potential mates without spending much time getting to know them.
Instrumental rationality invades people’s emotional lives, conveying the idea that romantic
encounters should result from making the best choices. As Byung-Chul Han states, “in the course of
a politicization of all spheres of life, it (love) is being domesticated into a consumer formula devoid
of risk and daring, without excess or madness. All negativity, all negative feeling, is avoided” [6].
Faced with a sea of choices, individual desires increasingly depend on a highly introspective
examination of the self, resulting in emotions being suppressed in constant comparisons.
4.1.2. Emotional Expression: "Like Means Like"
Traditionally, people think of “like” as a sign of a close, exclusive, and mutual relationship. However,
in online dating platforms, the “like” button has been given new meanings and functions, becoming
something that can be accumulated, compatible, divisible, and infinitely generated. Users can like
multiple times in a short period based on their own filtering criteria and current mood, expressing
“like” to multiple people and receiving an unlimited accumulation of “likes” from others within a
specific time frame.
When serious and solemn intimacy becomes a finger-clicking game, many young users do not
sincerely cash in “likes” into online intimacy. The link between “like” and the original intimate
relationship is gradually severed, causing more young people to reflect on what “like” means and
triggering distrust in the rapid formation of online intimate relationships. Although the establishment
of virtual intimacy has become easy and random, it is still difficult to achieve true intimacy from a
strange relationship to soul compatibility.
In short, online dating platforms push intimate relationships to a more intense level. The huge user
database makes people make choices too quickly when faced with many potential partners, without
spending enough time to get to know each other deeply. “Like” no longer represents a deep emotional
Proceedings of 3rd International Conference on Interdisciplinary Humanities and Communication Studies
DOI: 10.54254/2753-7064/51/20242543
103
connection of exclusivity and mutuality, and the creation, development, and maintenance of intimate
relationships are reduced to a series of quick, superficial interactions.
4.2. The Fluidity of Intimacy
4.2.1. Emotional Rhythm
In modern society with an accelerated pace of life and scarce leisure time, establishing intimate
relationships has become particularly difficult. As Byung-Chul Han argues, the Internet positions
individuals as desiring subjects who increasingly realize their wishes and feelings through
commodities and media images, with their imaginative faculties shaped by the market and mass
culture [6]. This commodification of emotional needs has given rise to efficiency-driven dating
practices like speed dating. Apps like Tantan, especially with the “Buzz World” feature, embody a
fast-food-style emotional consumerism, where conversations are automatically cut off after five
minutes and users can quickly move on to the next potential match. This assembly-line approach to
emotional communication challenges traditional notions of slowly cultivated intimacy and creates a
state of patterned social interaction. While the desire for stable, intimate relationships grows stronger
in an increasingly mobile and unstable society, the pursuit of love through high-speed, high-volume
social methods creates potential contradictions. Many online daters recognize that this approach
hinders deep connection, yet they persist with the expectation of efficiently making friends or finding
a match.
This tension between the desire for authentic intimacy and the allure of efficient, technology-
mediated connection reflects the broader challenges individuals face in navigating the complex
interplay of emotions and relationships.
4.2.2. Emotional Expectations "The Next One Will Be More Perfect"
In the realm of online dating, young users exhibit a paradoxical “there is no rush” attitude, despite
their eagerness to find an ideal partner quickly. They spend significant time searching countless
profiles, yet often express a sentiment of “would rather be single than settle.”
A striking discrepancy emerges. Despite high participation, the rate of successful matches remains
surprisingly low. Compared to offline blind dates, people apply more stringent and specific criteria
when choosing a mate online. The public nature of these platforms removes blind dates from the
context of acquaintance society and exempts users from obligations like protecting the introducer’s
face.
Rebecca Heino and others argue that the Internet has made people beyond one’s own social level
seem within reach, leading to increased selection standards and dissatisfaction with well-matched
individuals [8]. This reflects the infiltration of idealism, consumption logic, and transaction logic into
emotional life through Internet technology. The seemingly endless options offered by online dating
platforms convince users that a better match always exists. Faced with a non-ideal potential spouse,
most choose to continue searching for a more perfect partner to maximize value. However, this
abundance of choice leaves young people exhausted and confused, unsure of what they are waiting
for and hoping to meet an ideal partner who may not exist.
The pursuit of efficiency drives interactions at an assembly-line pace, fostering result-oriented,
fast-food relationships. The shallowness and fluidity of these connections lead to alienated
perceptions and directly impact the emotional market’s structure, exacerbating existing inequalities.
As intimacy becomes increasingly commodified and transactional, the authentic human connections
that many yearn for remain elusive in the digital dating landscape.
Proceedings of 3rd International Conference on Interdisciplinary Humanities and Communication Studies
DOI: 10.54254/2753-7064/51/20242543
104
5. Consequences of Cold Intimacy
5.1. The Matthew Effect of the Emotional Market
The rise of online dating, driven by consumer culture and technology, has transformed the emotional
market into a more open and efficient form. While differing from traditional blind dating, its core
principles of mate selection remain unchanged. This new market offers seemingly unlimited choices,
with exchange efficiency, time efficiency, and comparative thinking emerging as key characteristics
of power.
However, this shift reinforces structural inequalities in the emotional marketplace, a phenomenon
known as the Matthew Effect [9]. Platform business strategies intentionally amplify these inequalities,
relying on the high-intensity exposure of advantaged users to attract new users. Those with
advantages in education, occupation, and income are often skewed by platform traffic, rationalizing
divisions in social space. The dilution of emotion further increases the Matthew Effect. As emotions
have materialized and surfaced, finding a partner becomes a personal pursuit based on choice, need,
and identity improvement. In this context, commodities are abundant and easily obtainable, turning
people into picky self-service consumers who rummage through the market with a shopping mentality,
reducing the chosen ones to commodities on shelves.
Behind this seemingly prosperous emotional market lies endless alienation. Most young users
pursue the top percent, seeking an ideal, perfect mate rather than a true match. This gives users with
high education, excellent jobs, and outstanding appearance unprecedentedly abundant choices while
marginalizing and excluding others from this media-based dating carnival.
5.2. Emotional Conflicts and Group Alienation
5.2.1. The Dual Nature of “Choice”: From Freedom to Self-Restraint
The focus of intimate relationships in the era of online dating shifts from the interaction between two
parties to a self-centered, unilateral identity performance process. As Eva Illouz observes, consumer
culture stimulates desire and imagination, with images competing aggressively to be “used” and
individuals getting lost in reverie as a result [10]. The Internet positions the modern individual as a
desiring subject, longing for experiences and living them in an imaginary, virtual mode. Increasingly,
the self realizes its wishes and feelings through commodities and media images, with its imaginative
faculty determined by the market and mass culture. Consequently, the emotional experience,
originally jointly created by both parties, is detached from the bilateral intimate relationship. It is
transformed into a competitive game of self-organization, catering to users’ personal needs for
perception and presentation of self-charm. Authentic connection is superseded by the drive to craft
an alluring online persona, fueled by consumerist desires and fantasies shaped by the digital dating
marketplace.
5.2.2. Both Ends of Waiting: From Hope to Disappointment
Young people who first join the online dating market often harbor romantic aspirations to find love
and an ideal partner. However, as time passes and failed attempts accumulate, their emotional
expectations fluctuate. Between efficient screening and low conversion rates, many suffer from the
torment of “waiting”. As usage time increases, the experience of “rejection”, both explicit and implicit,
is so frequent and direct that users must consume huge amounts of emotional energy to maintain their
mentality. “Waiting for fate” becomes a temporary solution and spiritual sustenance, gradually
leading to the collapse of mentality.
Proceedings of 3rd International Conference on Interdisciplinary Humanities and Communication Studies
DOI: 10.54254/2753-7064/51/20242543
105
Some young people have begun to reflect on the inherent structural flaws of the online dating
system, expressing concern about inequalities in the emotional marketplace that benefit some groups
while leaving others trapped in a spiral of self-doubt and anxiety. As an embodiment of “cruel
optimism”, despite this, these individuals often do not leave the mechanism, instead gradually
recognizing the alienation and inferiority of their self-worth as they accept the rules of the game [7].
Just as the proletariat is alienated and exploited under capitalism, those who struggle to find
matches in the online dating world would be seen as victims of a system that pits individuals against
each other and assigns value based on narrow, oppressive criteria. The feelings of alienation and
inferiority experienced by these individuals are not personal failings, but rather the inevitable
psychological consequences of participating in a marketplace that commodifies human relationships.
From Engels’ perspective, the problems young people face in online dating are not isolated issues but
are fundamentally rooted in the contradictions of capitalism. Genuine human connection and
fulfillment cannot be achieved within a system that prioritizes competition and the commodification
of social relations.
6. Conclusion
This study explores the complex interplay of love, labor, and technology in shaping the affective lives
of contemporary Chinese youth, focusing on the experiences of young Tantan users. From the
perspectives of emotional capitalism and cold intimacy theory, it delves into the central paradox about
the reasons why, in an age of unprecedented technological connectivity, it is easier than ever to
establish superficial digital connections, yet harder to forge deep, intimate bonds.
The analysis has shown that despite the Chinese government’s efforts to promote marriage and
dating among young people, the rise of online platforms like Tantan has not necessarily translated
into more lasting relationships. Instead, the commodification, homogenization, and efficiency-driven
logic of these apps often foster shallow, alienating interactions that fail to satisfy users’ yearning for
authentic love and partnership. Theorists like Engels, Illouz, and Han help contextualize these
challenges within the broader contradictions of capitalism and consumer culture, which prioritize
individualism and instrumental rationality over genuine emotion and care. The cruel optimism
identified by Berlant is evident in the cycle of waiting and disappointment many young daters face,
as they pursue an ideal mate who remains elusive.
Ultimately, understanding young singles’ relationship expectations and experiences requires
grappling with the structural inequalities and pressures they navigate, both online and offline. The
pursuit of romantic love in contemporary China is often in tension with practical realities and social
norms. While digital platforms like Tantan offer new opportunities for connection, they also risk
exacerbating existing power imbalances and eroding the space for transgressive, transformative
intimacy.
In the face of the technology-driven “cooling” of emotions, it is quintessential to remain mindful
of the deep, meaningful relationships that transcend the superficial allure of the unattainable. By
doing so, the narrative of love for this generation can be redefined, finding harmony between the
digital and the real, the transient and the enduring. It is important not to be swayed by the false
promises of endless choice and algorithmic compatibility, but instead to listen to the whispers of the
heart, guiding towards the authentic connections that are craved. It is in the vulnerability of true
intimacy, and in the courage to open oneself to another, that the greatest rewards of love are found.
By approaching digital encounters with compassion, honesty, and a willingness to see beyond the
screen, bonds can be forged that stand the test of time and distance. In this brave new world of love,
individuals should be the architects of their own happiness, building bridges of understanding and
affection that span the divide between the virtual and the real.
Proceedings of 3rd International Conference on Interdisciplinary Humanities and Communication Studies
DOI: 10.54254/2753-7064/51/20242543
106
However, the essay has certain shortcomings that should be addressed in future research. It lacks
a comprehensive exploration of the potential negative psychological impacts of technology on
relationships, particularly in how social media can foster superficial connections and contribute to
emotional detachment. Future research should also focus on examining the role of technology in
facilitating genuine communication, especially in contexts where in-person interaction is limited.
Additionally, more empirical evidence is needed to better understand the balance between digital
interactions and authentic relationships, as well as the long-term effects of relying on algorithmic
matchmaking. By addressing these gaps, a more holistic understanding of modern love in the digital
age can be developed, ultimately guiding individuals to form deeper, more meaningful connections.
References
[1] State Council Information Office of the People's Republic of China. Youth of China in the New Era. 21 Apr. 2022,
https://english.www.gov.cn/archive/whitepaper/202204/21/content_WS6260cdc3c6d02e5335329bb1.html.
[2] Lauren, Berlant. Cruel Optimism. DIFFERENCES-BLOOMINGTON, 2006, 17(3): 20.
[3] Friedrich, Engels. The Origins of the Family, Private Property, and the State. 1884: 734-770.
[4] Yunxiang Yan. Private Life under Socialism, Love, Intimacy, and Family Change in a Chinese Village, 1949-1999.
Introduction, Three and Four, 2003.
[5] Eva Illouz. Cold Intimacies: The Making of Emotional Capitalism. Polity (2007).
[6] Byung-Chul Han. The Agony of Eros. MIT Press, 2017, 1.
[7] Tingting Liu, et al. The Cruel Optimism of Digital Dating: Heart-Breaking Mobile Romance among Rural Migrant
Workers in South China. Information, Communication & Society. 2022, 25(11): 1614-1631.
[8] Rebecca D., Heino, et al. Relationshopping: Investigating the Market Metaphor in Online Dating. Journal of Social
and Personal Relationships 2010, 27(4): 427-447.
[9] Daniel Rigney. The Matthew Effect: How Advantage Begets Further Advantage. Columbia University Press, 2010.
[10] Eva, Illouz. Why Love Hurts: A Sociological Explanation. Cambridge, Polity (2012).
Proceedings of 3rd International Conference on Interdisciplinary Humanities and Communication Studies
DOI: 10.54254/2753-7064/51/20242543
107
