‘I’m a red-blooded male’: Understanding men’s experiences of domestic abuse through a feminist lens

Abstract

The ways in which gendered expectations of women are used to maintain power and control by male perpetrators of domestic abuse are now well understood. It is also increasingly recognised that men can be victims of domestic abuse. This has led to calls to de-gender theories of violence and abuse, and arguments that the feminist theories which underpin many interventions are outdated. We draw on the experiences of 344 men using a helpline for male victim–survivors of domestic abuse to show that patriarchal constructions of relationships, femininity and masculinity, which underpin women’s experiences of domestic abuse by men are also central to understanding men’s experiences of domestic abuse by women. We propose that men’s victimisation by women perpetrators is not incompatible with feminist understandings of domestic abuse. Rather, that the influence of patriarchal norms in men’s victimisation accentuates the importance of gender in understanding and responding to domestic abuse.

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https://doi.org/10.1177/17488958231210985
Criminology & Criminal Justice
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‘I’m a red-blooded male’:
Understanding men’s
experiences of domestic
abuse through a feminist lens
Nicole Westmarland
Stephen R Burrell
Durham University, UK
Abstract
The ways in which gendered expectations of women are used to maintain power and control by
male perpetrators of domestic abuse are now well understood. It is also increasingly recognised
that men can be victims of domestic abuse. This has led to calls to de-gender theories of violence
and abuse, and arguments that the feminist theories which underpin many interventions are
outdated. We draw on the experiences of 344 men using a helpline for male victim–survivors of
domestic abuse to show that patriarchal constructions of relationships, femininity and masculinity,
which underpin women’s experiences of domestic abuse by men are also central to understanding
men’s experiences of domestic abuse by women. We propose that men’s victimisation by women
perpetrators is not incompatible with feminist understandings of domestic abuse. Rather, that
the influence of patriarchal norms in men’s victimisation accentuates the importance of gender in
understanding and responding to domestic abuse.
Keywords
Domestic abuse, gender norms, intimate partner violence, men and masculinities, patriarchy
Introduction: The gender stalemate in domestic abuse
Domestic violence and abuse has traditionally been understood in policy and practice as
a gendered problem – one that is predominantly experienced by women and perpetrated
by men. However, there has long existed a stark divide within academia about to what
Corresponding author:
Nicole Westmarland, Centre for Research into Violence and Abuse, Department of Sociology, Durham
University, 32 Old Elvet, Durham DH1 3HN, UK.
Email: nicole.westmarland@durham.ac.uk
1210985CRJ0010.1177/17488958231210985Criminology & Criminal JusticeWestmarland and Burrell
research-article2023
Article

2 Criminology & Criminal Justice 00(0)
extent this is the case. In 1992, Dobash and Dobash characterised these positions as the
‘Family Violence’ (FV) and ‘Violence Against Women’ (VAW) approaches. Broadly
speaking, FV researchers are described by Dobash and Dobash (1992) as those that claim
that intimate partner violence is symmetrical (men and women perpetrate roughly equiv-
alent violence against each other in relationships) or even that women perpetrate a greater
amount with higher severity. In contrast, VAW researchers are those who understand
intimate partner violence to be asymmetrical, with men more likely to perpetrate vio-
lence against a woman partner, and of higher severity. Thirty years on, these positions are
even more entrenched, and no longer confined to academia but also having ‘real-world’
policy and practice impacts (see also, Dobash and Dobash, 2004).
In this article, we leave the ‘who uses the most violence’ debate to instead focus
directly on men’s experiences of domestic violence and abuse, especially where women
are the perpetrators. There exists a body of research that has documented the range of
physical and psychological harms that are associated with men’s experiences of domestic
abuse (Hine and Douglas, 2023) and problems with the ways police record such inci-
dents (Grady, 2004 [2002]; Hester, 2012). Taking as our starting point the position that
‘some men do experience domestic abuse perpetrated by women’ means a different type
of discussion can be developed – an understanding of ‘how and why’ rather than ‘how
much’. This is not to say that the ‘how much’ argument is not important (since at its heart
are questions about how we define, measure and record violence) – but rather to say that
the ‘how much’ focus in FV/VAW debates has led to a gap in understanding men’s expe-
riences of domestic abuse from a feminist criminological perspective. In this article we
draw on the experiences of 344 men using a domestic abuse helpline to demonstrate the
ongoing importance of the role of patriarchal gender norms in understanding and
responding to domestic abuse against men.
Women’s use of domestic abuse against men: The gap in
feminist criminology
Feminist criminologists have been accused of ignoring women’s use of violence, both in
terms of domestic abuse and more widely. Carrington (2013), for example, argued that
the lack of feminist theories on female violence generally has been a major oversight and
challenge:
A central challenge for future feminist research, then, is how to more convincingly explain the
historical shifts in gendered patterns of violence, rather than simply deny, rationalise, or erase
them (p. 73).
This lack of attention, Carrington argues, led to an opportunity for anti-feminist ideas
to take hold in explaining violence perpetrated by women and girls. Similar calls have
been made specifically in relation to domestic abuse. For example, Renzetti (1999)
argued that it was time for feminists to own the problem of women’s violence. We argue
that over 20 years on since Renzetti’s call for action this problem has still not been
‘owned’, and that this has led to gaps in feminist commentary when women’s use of
domestic abuse is in the public eye. For example, there was little feminist analysis in

Westmarland and Burrell 3
relation to British television presenter and actor Caroline Flack who was reported to the
police for domestic abuse against her male partner and subsequently killed herself after
receiving negative media attention for this. Only a small number of feminists spoke pub-
licly about American actor Amber Heard who was variously reported to be a victim and
a perpetrator of domestic abuse. The silence from many feminists, underpinned no doubt
by limited empirical and theoretical developments on women’s use of violence against
men, occurred alongside an anti-feminist media narrative in both cases (as described by,
for example, Donegan, 2022).
The harms of patriarchal gender norms
Just as there are gendered expectations about what it means to be a woman, restrictive
social norms exist about what ‘manhood’ should look like in different contexts. Masculine
gender norms shape the lives of men and boys in a range of different ways. They can be
described as the implicit and informal rules of behaviour which are expected of men,
based around how masculinity is defined in a specific social context (Cislaghi et al.,
2018). Connell and Messerschmidt’s (2005) theory of hegemonic masculinity describes
the most socially valued ways of being a man – it is normative in requiring all men to
position themselves in relation to it and legitimises the subordination of some men as
well as women within the gender order. As well as changing across cultures, it can change
over time – for example, the United Kingdom has seen important shifts towards more
involved fatherhood and increased lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender/transsexual and
queer or questioning (LGBTQ) + rights in recent decades (Burrell et al., 2019).
There are several scales that have been developed to try and understand levels of
conformity to these culturally, geographically and historically variable gender norms.
One well-known example is the ‘Man Box’, first devised by Kivel (2007) as the ‘Act
Like a Man Box’ and subsequently operationalised in research by the US-based civil
society organisation Equimundo. They describe the ‘Man Box’ as a ‘a set of beliefs, com-
municated by parents, families, the media, peers, and other members of society, that
place pressure on men to be a certain way’ (Heilman et al., 2017: 8). Men who are ‘inside
the box’ are said to be those who most identify with these messages and pressures. Those
‘outside the box’ are more likely to reject them and embrace other ways of being and
behaving as a man. Based on piloting in over 30 countries, a 17-item survey (the Man
Box Scale) was developed by Equimundo. The Man Box Scale was tested with 3673
young men (aged 18–30 years) in the United States, the United Kingdom and Mexico,
and a secondary analysis found the survey to have strong validity and reliability across
these countries (Hill et al., 2020). The research proposes that the ‘Man Box’ is made up
of seven thematic pillars, based around what a ‘real man’ should believe or how he
should behave. He should: (1) be self-sufficient; (2) act tough; (3) be physically attrac-
tive; (4) stick to rigid gender roles in the home; (5) be heterosexual; (6) be hypersexual
and (7) use aggression where needed and have control over women (Heilman et al.,
2017).
The harms that these patriarchal gender norms have on women and girls are well
known. Men who have a stronger alignment to rigid masculine norms such as those in the
‘Man Box’ have been shown in a number of studies to be more likely to perpetrate VAW

4 Criminology & Criminal Justice 00(0)
(e.g. Jewkes et al., 2011). However, these norms also have a range of detrimental impacts
on men and boys themselves.
Men’s adherence to such norms, for example, has been linked with lower levels of
mental and sexual health (Barker et al., 2011). In Australia, men who were supportive of
the norms within the Man Box were more likely to have thoughts of suicide, be involved
in traffic accidents and have little interest or pleasure in doing things (The Men’s Project
and Flood, 2018). They were more likely to have perpetrated but also to have experi-
enced physical and verbal bullying. In relation to domestic abuse, Morgan and Wells
(2016) interviewed men who had experienced domestic abuse from women and found
that many described feeling ‘unmanly’. Similarly, Lysova et al. (2020) conducted focus
groups with men in four countries and found that stereotypes around ‘what it means to be
a man’ were linked to men feeling embarrassed about not living up to this standard when
they were being abused, particularly when that abuse was perpetrated by a woman. These
gender norms, and stereotypes around who ‘can be’ victims and perpetrators of domestic
abuse, have also been found to impede men’s ability to make disclosures and access sup-
port (Bates et al., 2023; Hine et al., 2022; Scott-Storey et al., 2022). Idriss (2022) reported
similar findings in relation to male victim–survivors of honour-based violence and forced
marriage. Although in these cases the abuse was primarily perpetrated by men (though
sometimes supported by women), the male victim–survivors’ experiences of violence
and help-seeking was shaped by patriarchal expectations around power and control.
Idriss (2022) concluded ‘Patriarchal theories of violence therefore apply to male victims
just as much as they do to female victims’ (p. NP11918).
Research methods
The aim of this article is to describe the ways in which domestic abuse against men draws
upon expectations about masculinity, using the ‘Man Box’ as its analytical framework.
Together, the Man Box items can be seen as dominant, normalised ways of ‘being a man’
in the United Kingdom. We explore to what extent these norms are visible in the ways
that domestic abuse is perpetrated against men, as well as in their own help-seeking
behaviours, based upon men’s phone calls and e-mails to the Men’s Advice Line, a
United Kingdom–wide helpline for male victim–survivors of domestic abuse. The hel-
pline is run by national charity Respect, who commissioned the research. Members of the
research team were given access to the Men’s Advice Line’s remote access system to
virtually ‘observe’ calls to the helpline by listening to them in real time as they were
made (or reading them in the case of e-mails). The data analysed here were collected as
part of a wider investigation into the experiences of male victim–survivors of domestic
abuse and their help-seeking during the COVID-19 pandemic (Westmarland et al., 2021).
The use of observational methods was requested by Respect as the research funder.
We had previously conducted research on two helplines they run using interviews with
helpline users (Burrell and Westmarland, 2019; Westmarland and Burrell, 2019), and
these studies had been hampered by relatively small sample sizes with self-selecting
participants unlikely to be representative of the wider population of callers. While the
interview method required helpline callers who agreed to take part to give the researchers
additional time (to be called back for an interview) at a difficult time in their lives, the

Westmarland and Burrell 5
observations allowed helpline callers to participate in the research without any additional
demands on their time. The observational method, therefore, resulted in a larger sample
size. Another benefit of this method was that it was based upon people’s ‘real’, ‘observ-
able’ experiences while contacting a helpline, rather than efforts to recount them to a
researcher. The main limitation to the method was that since the research team was only
able to listen, it was not possible to ask questions linked to the research questions, use
prompts, follow-ups, or clarify information. There were also additional ethical issues to
consider (see below).
Data collection
The data consist of observational fieldnotes from service user contacts to the Men’s
Advice Line. It details the experiences of 344 men, of whom 221 contacted the Advice
Line by phone and 113 by e-mail. The data collection took place Monday–Friday between
the start of June and the end of September 2020.
No identifiable information was recorded in research observation notes and data were
anonymised from the outset. Researchers would listen to the whole call wherever possi-
ble – they would only listen to calls from the beginning (rather than picking up midway
through). They would hang up on calls which were not relevant; that is, if it was not a
male victim–survivor calling to discuss their experiences (e.g. if it was a professional
calling for advice, a friend or family member calling on behalf of someone else, or a man
calling about something other than being a victim of abuse). E-mail chains to the helpline
from during this period, redacted to preserve anonymity, were also shared with the
research team.
Participants
Due to the data being observational and over telephone or e-mail, we did not have par-
ticipant demographics for all 344 men in the sample. Where age was known (for 160
participants), they were aged between 19 and 85 years old, with the 31–40 and 41–50 age
categories making up the highest proportion of callers (29% and 28% respectively).
Where recorded (for 151 participants), 58% were White British, 18% were Asian/British
Asian and 12% were of African/British African heritage. Of 340 participants, 90% said
the perpetrator was female (and in a further 5% of cases there was both a female and a
male perpetrator recorded). Of 137 participants recorded, 93% described their sexuality
as heterosexual. Where the relationship to the perpetrator was known (in 340 cases),
most were calling about a current spouse or partner (54%) or ex-spouse or ex-partner
(36%). It is important to note that in the United Kingdom there is another helpline run by
Galop for LGBTQ + victim–survivors of domestic abuse, so this may be one reason why
our sample was predominantly heterosexual.
Ethics
Throughout the duration of the research, a statement was added to the automated mes-
sage heard by callers upon ringing the helpline, explaining that the research was being

6 Criminology & Criminal Justice 00(0)
conducted and what it involved. In this message, callers were informed that they should
tell the helpline advisor if they did not wish for their call to be observed by the research-
ers or included in the research, and a small minority of callers did take this option up.
They were also encouraged to ask the helpline advisor if they had any questions about
the research, and the same system applied to e-mails to the helpline. Detailed information
about the study was made publicly available on the Men’s Advice Line website, and call-
ers were pointed to this if they wanted to find out more. Researchers ensured that they
only listened to calls from the beginning to ensure that they heard in case the caller had
‘opted out’ of the research, and helpline advisors also immediately gave this information
to the research team to make sure the call was not listened to if the caller expressed this
preference. Only one or a maximum of two researchers were observing calls at any one
time, and given the busyness of the helpline, this meant we only heard a minority of calls
made to it during the research period.
We recognise that observational methods such as these may feel obtrusive, and we
treated our observations and team discussions in a respectful way with regard to both the
callers and the staff members. Less than 10 men asked not to participate – suggesting that
there was a high level of participation but also that our opt-out mechanism was working.
In fact, the staff reported that several men explicitly asked for the researchers to listen to
their call as they wanted to be part of the study (it was unfortunately not possible to
facilitate this) – highlighting the empowerment potential of hearing victim–survivor
voices through research (Downes et al., 2014). Ethical approval for the study was granted
by the Durham University Department of Sociology Research Ethics Committee.
Data analysis
An inductive approach was taken to thematic analysis in the wider study (Westmarland
et al., 2021) to draw patterns and connections across the data. During this analysis we
noticed overlaps with how the men spoke in relation to critical men and masculinities
theories. For the analysis presented here, we used a deductive approach to code data in
relation to each of the seven pillars of the Man Box outlined earlier. Overall, therefore,
our thematic analysis can best be described as a hybrid approach of inductive and deduc-
tive coding (Fereday and Muir-Cochrane, 2006).
Findings
The Man Box describes the key pressures around what it means to be a ‘real man’, mak-
ing it a useful framework for exploring men’s experiences of domestic abuse. Overall,
we found that the duality of (1) experiencing domestic abuse and (2) needing support,
meant that many felt they were failing to meet the expectations of being a ‘real man’. In
the words of one participant:
You don’t feel like you’re a man because of it (Luke).
In what follows, this feeling of not living up to hegemonic masculinity, and women’s
patriarchal expectations of what a ‘real man’ should be, are broken down into the seven
pillars that make up the Man Box, noting that there is overlap between the pillars.

Westmarland and Burrell 7
Self-sufficiency: Men should be independent and self-reliant
This pillar relates to men feeling strong pressure from wider society that they should be
independent and without need of help from others. Below, Simon seems to identify
strongly with this ideal, self-describing himself as a ‘red-blooded male’ and an ‘alpha
male’, resulting in him finding it very difficult to simultaneously understand himself as
being a victim of domestic abuse:
I am a victim of abuse my solicitor said. But I don’t know what was happening – I’m a red-
blooded male and don’t want to think of it like that. I’m a bit embarrassed about it . . . I am an
alpha male (Simon).
In this sense, the ‘self-sufficiency’ pillar represents a strong clash with popular beliefs
around ‘victimhood’ – such as that victims are weak and reliant on others. This feeling of
needing to be self-reliant, which Jay associated with ‘being a man’, led to some of the
participants finding it highly difficult to talk to other people in their lives about what they
were going through – a theme that overlaps with some of the other pillars discussed later
in this section:
You know how it is being a man – I’ll just concentrate on something practical. I’ve been stuffing
it down for so long, it’s all come out. You can’t really talk to your parents about this (Jay).
Even in cases where men had attempted to seek help from others – be it friends or
statutory services as in the examples below – they found it to be a highly challenging
experience, and often didn’t feel their experiences were taken seriously, or worried that
this might be the case.
I am awaiting counselling, but I was hoping from some guidance from yourselves as I struggle
to speak to male friends about it, often feeling like they don’t believe me or despite having seen
it first-hand will judge me for it. (Larry)
I have been trying to raise this with the police for a while, however, I feel being a male they are
just laughing at me (Hector).
Indeed, this was also observed in the discomfort many of the men appeared to feel in
making contact with the Men’s Advice Line and speaking to the advisor. The ‘self-suffi-
ciency’ pillar of the Man Box, therefore, has implications as to whether and how men
think of themselves as victims, which clashes with expectations around ‘victimhood’ and
provides a major obstacle to disclosing such experiences, but also has implications in
terms of how they feel and are responded to when they do manage to ask for support.
Acting tough – being willing to use physical force to defend their
reputation and appearing strong while hiding any vulnerable emotions
The ‘acting tough and being invulnerable’ pillar, and the idea that men should be able to
‘take it’ in Kivel’s (2007) original work on the Man Box, has overlaps with the previous
pillar in terms of barriers to help-seeking. As well as feelings of not being taken seriously

8 Criminology & Criminal Justice 00(0)
or not being believed if they asked for help, some participants feared their own vulnera-
ble emotions and the possibility of them surfacing as part of that help-seeking. Jake
found it easier to e-mail the Advice Line rather than to phone and get more immediate,
‘real time’ advice because of this fear:
I do want to call but I think I will just break down and cry and I need to be strong (Jake).
The Man Box often promotes the use of violence in retaliation if men are faced with
physical or reputational threats from other men. This was sometimes the case in our
research in terms of men experiencing same-sex domestic abuse, or threats from their
partner’s wider family members. But more often, for around 9 in 10 calls, the caller was
seeking help about abuse perpetrated by a woman. While it was not universally the case
and some men were ‘fighting back’, most of those who called said they were not respond-
ing with physical force. This was often linked to the competing social norm that ‘men
should not hit women’, as expressed below by Lloyd:
I really felt the hard beating on my back and neck area, it was very painful. However, l have to
control and manage myself because l was never, never brought up to hit a woman or retaliate or
talk back (Lloyd).
This led to men feeling unsure about how they could or should act when faced with
physical violence. For Paul, showing vulnerable emotion in response was met with ridi-
cule and more abuse, and his comments demonstrate how perpetrators used this patriar-
chal norm to further emphasise the apparent distance from being a ‘real man’: ‘she pissed
herself laughing when I told her [I was scared]’. Alan and Oliver felt ashamed and pan-
icked when faced with their female partner’s violence:
I feel shameful talking about this as I am bit of a macho guy, but she would slap me round the
face (Alan).
She self-harms and punches herself in the face. It makes me ill and it brings on a panic attack,
and she says how can I be having a panic attack when I am a man? (Oliver).
However, in reaching the point where they were starting to talk about the violence
they were experiencing, some had stepped outside of the ‘Man Box’ and into a place
where showing vulnerable emotions was necessary even if, in Zack’s words, it made him
‘less of a man’:
I am scared of her, and I don’t care if this makes me less of a man. I have decided to speak up
as I am now worried about my daughter and need help (Zack).
Physical attractiveness – men should dress well and look good but without
‘trying too hard’
Some of the men were experiencing verbal and emotional abuse based on their physical
appearance. In several cases women used men’s weight gain as a way of belittling them
for not living up to gendered expectations about physical attractiveness:

Westmarland and Burrell 9
The things she has said about me not being a real man are true – as I have lost my hair and have
put on weight which I have apologised for. I am no longer attractive (Alexander).
Just last night she was laughing at me ‘cos of the weight I’ve put on during lockdown and was
telling me no other woman would be with a fat mess like me and how I’m so lucky to have her
cos she could do much better which makes me feel like shit, she always talks about what other
men look like too in order to further hit my confidence (Brandon).
Sometimes the abuse was controlling in nature, including in relation to their appear-
ance, akin to the regulation described by Stark (2007), where women are held by men to
patriarchal norms about femininity. For example, Edward’s partner controlled what
clothing he should wear:
In our first week of marriage she took all my clothes from the wardrobe. She said ‘I took all of
your clothes to the charity shop and I want to get you other clothes’. It has been very controlling
(Edward).
Similarly, Bob felt that he was ‘living a life by permission’, and Chad said ‘she berates
me for looking good going to work’, explaining that his physical appearance was con-
trolled to the extent that his female partner even told him how he should shave.
Rigid masculine gender roles: Men as financial providers and women as
responsible for housework and childcare
Our data more heavily connected to the expectation that men should be the financial
provider than to expectations on women in terms of childcare and housework. In many
cases, the men described receiving abuse along the lines that they were failing to live up
to this ‘breadwinner’ role successfully, and thus failing to be a ‘real man’. Some of this
overlapped with how some men were less able to fulfil this role because of COVID-19
lockdowns. This was the case for Deepah, who was not earning as much money as he
was before the pandemic. He remarked that his wife told him ‘you are useless, you are
worthless’ because of this.
Far from being the provider and the one in charge of the finances, many of the men
felt that they had no control, and therefore, that they were unable to live up to this mas-
culine norm. Danny had felt forced to let someone from work know what was happening
at home when his partner used his corporate credit card without his consent. He situated
his lack of control over the family finances (i.e. his lack of adherence to this aspect of
masculine norms) alongside his ‘man as provider’ role (illustrating that he was still
attempting to adhere in part to the Man Box):
I’ve just lost control completely; it’s only been a few days and she’s already gone and spent the
majority of my salary (Danny).
. . . I’m the only person that is providing for our family (Danny).
Hence in this case, Danny still felt a responsibility to be the financial provider, but
also that this was being controlled by his female partner within the context of domestic

10 Criminology & Criminal Justice 00(0)
abuse. This was also the case for David, who did not have access to the resources that he
was bringing in as the ‘provider’:
She controlled all my money and she held all my cards as well banking app passwords. She
won’t give me the banking password (David).
Many of the men discussed one of the worst aspects of the abuse being the impacts on
their children, and their relationships with them. Several talked about being actively
involved in childcare, but this being impeded – or a key reason why they stayed in the
relationship. Patriarchal norms which associate childcare with femininity may therefore
have been used in some cases as part of the abuse, to obstruct the men’s closeness with
their children. Abhoy, for example, said ‘She controls me about everything and says that
I love my children too much’. A few men also discussed undertaking the majority of
housework, with Cole remarking, ‘I used to do everything in the house, cook, clean, sort
out the children, as well as work and run a football team’. Participants did not necessarily
suggest that this engagement in childcare and housework was mocked, but that it was not
seen as their ‘domain’. Martin also highlighted his partner holding patriarchal views
about children:
She has an odd view of gender roles. For example, she said that producing a son is worth two
of a girl. Her view is medieval in my view where she sees children as a possession there to look
after you as you get older.
In some cases then, the men were able to bring in an income but unable to exercise
autonomy over these resources; in other cases, the fact that they were unable to provide
sufficient income was a key factor used against them in the abuse, tied in with notions
that they were failing at ‘being a man’. Patriarchal norms which place responsibility for
childcare primarily on women also sometimes appeared to be used to disparage or ham-
per men’s parenting, as if this was not something ‘manly’ to be involved in.
Heterosexuality and homophobia: A gay man is not a ‘real man’
We did not find this pillar represented heavily in our data. This is not to suggest that it is
not a strongly held norm – rather that in a sample made up of a majority of heterosexual
men experiencing domestic abuse from women, this was not a major theme. There was
one example of how a man experiencing same-sex domestic abuse felt his family were
ashamed of him because of his sexuality – and that experiencing domestic abuse com-
pounded his feelings of shame. If we had had more gay or bisexual men calling the hel-
pline then we may have seen more threats of being ‘outed’ as a form of domestic abuse,
or shamed about their sexuality (as already mentioned, we suspect this was not the case
because a separate helpline exists for domestic abuse in LGBTQ + relationships).
The only example we had of women using homophobic hate as a form of domestic
abuse was Carter’s partner. Carter described his female partner as domineering and con-
trolling. He reported that he had experienced verbal, emotional and psychological abuse
over several years, but that he felt it was getting worse and that was finding it

Westmarland and Burrell 11
increasingly difficult to cope with the situation. Some of the abuse he described was
linked to this pillar as he was ‘accused’ of being gay, of being a male sex worker, of hav-
ing sex with men in public toilets, and of having sexually transmitted diseases such as
venereal disease and syphilis. He explained that she would do this publicly: ‘We’ll be in
a restaurant, and I’ll go to the toilet, and she’ll say “Oh have you been showing your bum
again?”’. Carter described this as making him feel ‘filthy’ and ‘degraded’. There are also
connections here with the ways in which many of the men talked about being described
as ‘pathetic’ and ‘weak’. While this language was not explicitly homophobic, there at
times appeared to be an insinuation that they were not sufficiently heterosexual and vir-
ile, and that because they were not a ‘real man’, they must therefore be gay. This relates
to the findings of the next theme.
Hypersexuality: Being unambiguously heterosexual and always ready for
sex
While sexual violence was not a recurring issue discussed by men calling the helpline,
there were examples given of being ridiculed and abused for not being ‘man enough’
because they were not always ‘ready for sex’, or were unwilling to engage in particular
sexual practices, and some talked about this resulting in physical violence when they
said no.
Eddie, for example, was told that he was not ‘manly enough’ by his partner because
their sex life was not as active as she wanted it to be. Cameron also faced emotional
abuse from his partner if he did not consent to sex:
. . . if she doesn’t get it the words that come out of her mouth are just vile (Cameron).
Similarly, Mickey described being made to feel guilty if he did not want to have sex,
and Trevor experienced sexualised emotional abuse from his partner if he was not always
ready for sex, telling the advisor:
She says things like ‘you’re not a man, grow a pair, you can’t get it up’ (Trevor).
Alexander felt belittled by his wife who was openly having affairs, describing to the
advisor how she would openly flirt with other men in front of him and that he had lost his
self-confidence and felt ‘really stupid’:
She says I am not a real man, and I accept that (Alexander).
For two men, refusing sex resulted in them being physically attacked. Sebastian was
physically attacked because he was unwilling to have a threesome with his partner and
his friend, in line with the assumption that ‘real men’ would never turn down such an
opportunity. Rob was out with his partner celebrating his birthday when he was asked for
sex at the end of the night. He described how his partner was drunk and their baby was
present when he said no to sex and that this had resulted in her trying to strangle him and
her being arrested for this.

12 Criminology & Criminal Justice 00(0)
There was one case where a man experienced sexual assault as part of the domestic
abuse. Anthony described what happened and how it had affected him:
She sexually assaulted me. On the day of the sexual assault I had seen my sister. I went to sleep
on the floor as I was getting a migraine and had to be at work the next day and she came and
assaulted me [. . .] The case is going to court. I have been left with a sexual assault and I can’t
deal with it. I can’t trust anyone. I don’t want to be here anymore – I feel like I am in the check-
out lounge. I can’t get over it (Anthony).
Therefore, when men did not conform to this pillar of the Man Box and the expecta-
tions that society places on them to ‘never say no to sex’, they faced verbal and emo-
tional abuse which furthered feelings of shame. In a small number of cases, refusing sex
led to physical or sexual assaults. While the put-downs were sexualised and gendered in
nature, demonstrating the mostly female perpetrators’ expectations around men being
‘always ready for sex’ (e.g. ‘you can’t get it up’), in some cases the men themselves felt
shame for perceiving themselves as failing to live up to this Man Box norm (such as
Alexander’s acceptance that he was not a ’real man’).
Aggression and control: Holding control over household decisions and
women’s movements while using physical violence where necessary
Most of the men in our research did not report using aggression and control. However,
some of their accounts of experiencing domestic abuse – particularly physical violence
– left them feeling like they were stuck between a rock and a hard place – that they had
learnt to be prepared to use physical violence to protect themselves or to respond to vio-
lence, but simultaneously knew that VAW was unacceptable. This is evident in the fol-
lowing two accounts, who would otherwise be seen as men who would not ‘accept’
violence if it was from another man:
I’ve been abused via a narcissistic sociopath who’s unaware. Yesterday I was in pieces. But I’m
a strapping man – no one gives me any trouble (Ellis).
In all honesty I’m not scared of no man, but I can’t defend myself against a woman and she
knows that so is using it to manipulate when she hits me or turns up kicking off (Jenson).
In these cases, the men found it difficult to respond in line with clashing expectations
of what it means to ‘be a man’ – not to hit a woman, but not to ‘accept’ violence. For
Alvin, his ‘acceptance’ of physical violence and his not being able to ‘deal’ with the
problem meant that he gave himself the label of not being a ‘real man’:
She is a bully, a narcissistic woman, she is doing all this ‘cause I’ve walked away from her. I’ve
been physically hit by her in my home and in public and had things thrown at me – sharp
objects – because I’m not man enough to deal with her issues (Alvin).
This led to a vicious circle – that often the justification for the abuse was that the
victim–survivors were failing to live up to masculine expectations, then being subjected
to this abuse and not responding to it compounded the sense that they were not ‘real

Westmarland and Burrell 13
men’. In some cases, the men may have also felt confused and unable to deal with the
fact that emotional abuse they were receiving felt more hurtful and damaging than any
physical violence they had experienced, given that the Man Box often encourages men
to conceal and bury their emotions and deny their existence. Some of the men struggled
with how to deal with abuse based around control over their lives (as opposed to physical
force), and how it engendered anxiety and a sense of ‘walking on eggshells’. Alex said
that:
I get called names, I get called pathetic, she’s asked me if I’m scared of her before and I said
yes; then she said that’s pathetic.
This is an inversion of the control which patriarchal gender norms expect men should
possess over both their own lives and those of others.
Discussion
Our findings show how patriarchal norms shape men’s experiences of abuse and their
help-seeking. Multiple examples were found across each of the ‘Man Box’ pillars, which
resulted in a range of negative impacts. Many of the participants talked explicitly about
not feeling like a ‘real man’ because they were being subjected to domestic abuse, par-
ticularly when it was perpetrated by a woman. The act of telling people about this, shar-
ing their experiences, and asking for support felt incongruent with the expectations
placed on them as men, such as the notion that men should be self-sufficient. Shame and
embarrassment about not meeting these norms was central to the men’s accounts, such as
being made to feel ‘unmanly’ for not meeting the gendered expectation of ‘always being
up for sex’.
Of course, women are embedded in patriarchal society too, and also internalise its
norms and expectations. At a structural level, these serve to keep in place men’s domi-
nance over women. However, individuals navigate and relate to them in a wide range of
different ways, and they can manifest in interpersonal relationships in complex forms,
including the potential for women to exert power and control over men. Our findings
indicate that far from subverting wider gender inequalities, women’s perpetration of
domestic abuse actually reproduces patriarchal norms. This can be observed in the many
ways in which masculine expectations were being enforced and used as a tactic in wom-
en’s abuse of their partners.
Previous research has detailed how individual women can gain some degree of power
from going along with and reproducing patriarchal norms (McCann, 2022). This includes
having power over some men, especially those deemed unable to live up to the standards
of hegemonic masculinity (Connell and Messerschmidt, 2005). Of course, using vio-
lence and abuse deviates from dominant feminine norms. However, there are numerous
examples of women engaging in masculinised practices to achieve some level of power
and status, such as by participating in ‘boys’ clubs’ in the workplace. Indeed, regarding
hierarchies of femininity, in Connell and Messerschmidt’s (2005) theorising of the gen-
der order the most culturally valued form of femininity, ‘emphasised femininity’, is
based around compliance with patriarchy. Paechter (2018) meanwhile argues that women
who have power over others, including some men, exercise ‘hegemonic femininity’,

14 Criminology & Criminal Justice 00(0)
which does not necessarily entail stereotypically feminine practices and can involve
being strong and powerful – while still legitimising male dominance more broadly.
Ironically then, far from uprooting patriarchal structures of power, women’s use of
domestic abuse against men often appears to reinforce them.
As with men’s domestic abuse against women, women’s violence towards male part-
ners also appears to be based upon entrenching a patriarchally shaped ‘dominator’ model
of a monogamous intimate relationship (hooks, 2004), where one person has more power
than the other, is ‘in charge’, makes most decisions, and is the active agent (while the
other is in a more passive, supportive role). In patriarchal societies this is usually based
upon men having power over women. However, given the complexities of individual
personalities, positionalities, life-courses and relationships, it does not always follow this
dynamic (Hester, 2009).
It is therefore important to recognise the unique ways in which men experience
domestic abuse. The concept of coercive control is increasingly being applied in ‘gender-
neutral’ ways in policy and practice (Barlow et al., 2020). However, Stark’s (2007) theo-
risation is based on the many and diverse ways in which women are policed, as women,
by male perpetrators. Women’s behaviours are micro-regulated with the aim of entrap-
ping them in everyday life, through gendered expectations about what it means to be a
woman normalised in wider society. For men, however, it is the shame and embarrass-
ment of failing to meet patriarchal norms that appears to be the key factor. This affects
how the abuse is perpetrated, experienced, and whether, how and what support is sought.
Rather than fear for their lives (although this was the case for some), the anxiety of others
finding out what they had been experiencing ‘as a man’ was often the primary fear.
Stark discusses how coercive control is rooted in, and bolstered by, gender inequali-
ties in wider society. These can compound women’s experiences of abuse (e.g. leaving
them with fewer economic resources from which to seek independence) in ways which
do not apply for men. However, norms and expectations about ‘being a man’ can also
create unique obstacles and forms of abuse for male victim–survivors. This has implica-
tions for the design and promotion of support services. Training for those supporting men
should emphasise the role of masculine norms in men’s lives, how these can vary in dif-
ferent communities, and the shame involved in not adhering to them. The research also
reaffirms the importance of educational conversations on healthy, egalitarian, mutualis-
tic relationships from a young age, and unpacking how these can be obstructed by gender
norms.
Conclusions
Our research highlights the centrality of shame and humiliation around what it means to
‘be a man’ for male victim–survivors of domestic violence. This impacted how the men
experienced the abuse and how they felt about seeking support. But it also appeared to
shape how the abuse was perpetrated. Women perpetrators knew what would hurt and
cause emotional pain, since they are also shaped by patriarchal ideas and expectations,
and they often made use of norms about being a ‘real man’ as a key tactic of abuse. For
instance, for men who viewed VAW as unacceptable (and who were thus already to some

Westmarland and Burrell 15
extent ‘outside’ of the Man Box), their partner knowing this and pushing them on this
gender norm caused them to feel ‘stuck’ about what to do, with there seemingly being no
paths available to retaining their masculine identities.
When talking about male victim–survivors of domestic abuse then, it is clear that
gender matters. If we are going to be able to understand men’s victimisation, their experi-
ences and needs, taking gender into account is vital. Adopting a ‘gender-neutral’ approach
in law, policy or practice which dismisses gendered dynamics is therefore unhelpful, not
least for male victim–survivors themselves. This follows and adds weight to what others
have argued, for example, Barlow et al. (2020) in relation to the gender neutrality of
coercive control legislation and Hine et al. on the need to recognise the gender-specific
needs of men in relation to practice. Far from challenging or invalidating feminist theo-
risations of domestic abuse, our research shows that the role of gender has great rele-
vance to understanding and explaining men’s experiences and women’s use of violence,
as this violence is strongly rooted in patriarchal norms surrounding relationships. There
is a need for further feminist theorising and research in this area, to continue to expand
our understanding of the complex and varied ways in which patriarchal structures and
cultures impact on individuals, including male victim–survivors.
Studies about men’s help-seeking behaviours and their experiences of utilising sup-
port services are vital to understand how to best to help male victim–survivors. However,
research in this area to date has largely side-stepped trying to explain why this abuse
happens in the first place. This theoretical impasse in relation to men’s experiences of
domestic abuse has serious implications when it comes to policy and practice, leading to
confusion and mixed messaging in terms of how best to respond to this problem. We
hope that this study advances these discussions by demonstrating the significance of
gender norms and feminist theory to understanding domestic abuse against men.
Acknowledgements
The authors would like to thank the research team involved in the original project: Dr Alishya
Dhir, Dr Kirsten E. Hall, Ecem Hasan and Dr Kelly Henderson. They are also grateful to all the
members of the Respect Men’s Advice Line team for their support with the research. Dr Burrell
would like to thank the Leverhulme Trust for supporting him with an Early Career Fellowship at
the time of writing this article.
Declaration of Conflicting Interests
The author(s) declared no potential conflicts of interest with respect to the research, authorship
and/or publication of this article.
Funding
The author(s) disclosed receipt of the following financial support for the research, authorship and/
or publication of this article: This research was funded by Respect UK.
ORCID iD
Stephen R Burrell https://orcid.org/0000-0002-2447-0272

16 Criminology & Criminal Justice 00(0)
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Author biographies
Nicole Westmarland is Professor of Criminology and Director of the Centre for Research into
Violence and Abuse. She is an academic activist; committed to working across academia, non-
governmental organisations, state agencies and alongside other activists and survivors. She has led
over 50 studies into different forms of violence and abuse.
Stephen R Burrell is a Leverhulme Early Career Fellow in Durham University’s Department of
Sociology, and a Deputy Director of the Centre for Research into Violence and Abuse. His research
focuses on men, masculinities and violence. He also co-hosts a podcast called ‘Now and Men:
Current conversations about men’s lives’.