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American Bar Association, Section of Litigation
Family Law Litigation
ARTICLES
Narcissism or Not Narcissism? That Is the Legal Question
By Jeffrey Siegel, Elisa Reiter, and Daniel Pollack – May 9, 2023
Narcissists do not just feel overly confident they will win in a custody hearing; they feel entitled
to win. To counter a narcissist's divorce strategy, it is imperative to have a clear picture of who
the narcissist is and be prepared with a knowledgeable, experienced, and proactive attorney.
But the word “narcissism” is rampant in family court. And what does it really mean and how can
it be explained by attorneys to the advantage of their client?
On March 15, 2023, Angela Haupt explored the real meaning of certain words, including
“gaslighting” and “narcissism”—words that have “crept from the therapist’s couch into the
public lexicon.” The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-V) provides
traditional guidance as to symptoms that may indicate the presence of narcissistic personality
disorder. Does the very use of the term “narcissist” impact on attorneys, judges, and mental
health professionals in ways that introduce a predisposition to bias? From a legal perspective, we
need to explore who a narcissist really is.
Aaron Pincus and Mark Lukowitsky define narcissism as a person’s ability to regulate self-
esteem and manage their needs for affirmation, validation, and self-enhancement from their
social environment. At first glance, this definition appears benign. After all, each of us engages
in self-regulation and wants our needs to be validated by those in our orbit. Validation provides
us with the opportunity to feel good about ourselves. Moving away from this basic definition, the
more common understanding and use of the term narcissism is based on its pathological
definition. The DSM-V defines a person with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) as
“exhibiting a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy.” They
reveal in their behavior through some or all of the following:
• grandiose sense of self-importance (exaggeration of achievement and talents with an
unreasonable and unearned expectation of superior recognition);
• fantasies of unlimited love, power, intelligence and/or success;
• a sense of being special and that they should only associate with others who are special;
• requirement of excessive admiration;
• have a sense of entitlement;
• take advantage of others to achieve their own goals;
• have little empathy and seem unwilling to recognize the feelings of others;
• envy others and also believe others envy them; and
• are arrogant and disdainful of others.
Is it possible that each person, on a given day, has the ability to engage in behaviors consistent
with being a narcissist, particularly in the era of social media, where individuals strive to present
perfect depictions of their families and work associations? Is there such a thing as “normal
narcissism,” that should not be confused with “pathological narcissism”? Pincus and
Lukowitsky report, “Most theorists suggest narcissism has both normal and pathological
American Bar Association, Section of Litigation
Family Law Litigation
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
© 2023 by the American Bar Association. Reproduced with permission. All rights reserved. This information or any
portion thereof may not be copied or disseminated in any form or by any means or stored in an electronic database
or retrieval system without the express written consent of the American Bar Association.
Page 2 of 5
expressions reflecting adaptive and maladaptive personality organization, psychological needs,
and regulatory mechanisms, giving rise to individual differences in managing needs for self-
enhancement and validation.”
The contemporary concept of narcissism was based in psychoanalytic theory, beginning
with Sigmind Freud and progressing through various revisions as psychoanalytic thought
expanded. While modern authors have studied the various behavioral elements of narcissism, at
its core narcissism exists on a continuum. A healthy, well-organized, and socially engaged
person uses elements of narcissism to establish and maintain a healthy sense of themselves. As a
result, such individuals can develop and maintain positive, healthy, and mutually supportive
relationships. When a person’s earlier life experiences (childhood, early-middle-late adolescence,
early adulthood) have been negative, narcissism may become a more defensive, self-protective,
and at times pathological approach to dealing with the world. Arnold Rothstein’s 1984 “Fear of
Humiliation” outlined how fear or experience of humiliation as a child contributes to the
narcissist's need to protect themselves. If a person experienced humiliation when they were
unable to live up to their parents’ expectations, they may have developed an internal sense of
shame, of never being good enough. This remains true even if the humiliation was based on the
parents’ own inadequacy and the parents’ need for the child to make them feel better. Consider
exuberant parents on the sideline, shouting at children, coaches, and referees, who seem to need
their children to be the best players on the field so that they can have bragging rights.
In order to avoid feeling bad about themselves, narcissists have developed psychological
defenses, including being dependent upon their grandiosity. Narcissism is a defense, designed by
nature and/or nurture. The defensive structure is designed to ward off anger, anxiety, sadness,
frustration, humiliation, etc. The person sets up their defenses to protect themselves because
negative feelings about oneself hurt, and people don’t like to feel hurt.
The narcissist’s grandiosity feeds on the admiration of others and mandates an almost ritualistic
demand for admiration to fuel their sense of entitlement. Sadly, the narcissist often seeks revenge
against those perceived to have robbed them of their self-perceived rightful rewards.
Mardi Horowitz wrote about the narcissist grappling with the loss of the admiration and
entitlement:
With impoverishment of interpersonal relationships, lack of creative successes, or with
lack of compensatory thrill-seeking or pleasure, the narcissist cannot maintain
grandiosity. Instead, he or she is more and more vulnerable to shame, panic, helplessness,
or depression as life progresses without support from admiring others. With loss of
cohesion in the self-concept because of lack of relationships to others . . . Envy, rage,
paranoia and outrageous demands on others are common when they [the narcissist] are
subjected to the stress of degradation, or simply the stress of aging and having a decline
in bodily appearance and function.
American Bar Association, Section of Litigation
Family Law Litigation
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
© 2023 by the American Bar Association. Reproduced with permission. All rights reserved. This information or any
portion thereof may not be copied or disseminated in any form or by any means or stored in an electronic database
or retrieval system without the express written consent of the American Bar Association.
Page 3 of 5
Horowitz adds, “Talented, wealthy or exceptionally good-looking persons with [extreme
narcissism] often can exhibit such charisma that they take on new relationships as old
relationships fracture and perish. Social climbing may be an essential feature and they may cling
to others whom they can use for positive reflection.” This is an allusion to the myth of Narcissus,
ever admiring his own reflection. Horowitz concludes that the narcissist may discard or
depreciate a person when the other person is no longer of use to them.
Confusion arises in descriptive terminology. Often, persons with an exaggerated sense of their
importance are outgoing, socially engaging, articulate, and energetic, and according to Eric Russ,
Jonathan Shedler, Rebekah Bradley, and Drew Westen can have good adaptive (social)
functioning and use their narcissistic features as a motivation to succeed. Said differently, these
people can motivate a group, engage with employees, share a business philosophy, and generate
successful belief and energy to strive and reach common goals. Such individuals engage others
with their charisma. So, how can the label “narcissist” impact a child custody evaluation or a
divorce? How the narcissistic person came to be that way is functionally irrelevant to the court,
but it is (or should be) relevant for the evaluator. When a suit affecting the parent child
relationship is before the court, the judge wants to know what the problem is, and how to remedy
it—for the child’s best interest. There is a limited amount of time to assess and evaluate, and
rarely enough to clinically understand how the narcissistic defense structure came to be. Often,
there is just enough time to determine that narcissism is reflected in one or both parents’
behavioral patterns. Does the mere presence of such behavioral patterns mean that the person
should have access to or possession of their children restricted in some way.
Some points to keep in mind:
1. In the legal process, we compare and contrast the different sides of a case to determine
the winner. We present the different sides to the bench or jury depending on the
jurisdiction in which the case is pending.
2. In a legal or custody comparison, documents and behaviors are reviewed, compared, and
contrasted—mostly contrasted. Picking a winner can’t really be accomplished if both
sides are equal (good or bad).
3. Therefore, evaluators and attorneys ask questions to assess how one parent may be
different or better than the other. Personality characteristics impact the ability to parent,
but do such characteristics really make one parent better suited to meet the best interests
of the children? Let’s remember too that while an ad litem or amicus attorney is
appointed to act as the arm of the court, such court appointed counsel are charged with
providing the judge with the children’s desires, not necessarily what is in the children’s
best interests.
4. The healthy narcissist responds in certain ways given the dynamics of the situation, the
grandiose narcissist responds in the same way in every situation, and the depressed
American Bar Association, Section of Litigation
Family Law Litigation
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
© 2023 by the American Bar Association. Reproduced with permission. All rights reserved. This information or any
portion thereof may not be copied or disseminated in any form or by any means or stored in an electronic database
or retrieval system without the express written consent of the American Bar Association.
Page 4 of 5
narcissist responds as best they can, just trying to keep their head above water. Shy,
inadequate, or covert narcissists see themselves as failures, ever searching for the rewards
they need but always coming up short and being angry at themselves and those around
them.
5. Evaluators and judges ask and encourage people to tell them the truth, to be honest and
forthcoming. We are often shocked by the narcissist’s use of a never-ending stream of
superlatives about themselves and castigations about the other person. But why? We
asked them the question and they told us their version of the truth. The other parent may
seize upon this question to be less than honest and report partial truths (or absolute lies)
about the other in hopes of making themselves look better.
With such a fragile sense of self, the individual who has been diagnosed with NPD creates a
bunker mentality fortified against external humiliation and internal shame. So, consider the
dynamic of parental humility. A divorce is filed with one parent claiming superior parenting
skills and attributes contrasted with the other parent’s multiple mistakes, errors, omissions, bad
acts, poor judgment, etc. Often, allegations are made by one or both parents that certain claims
are grounded in lies, deceit, theft, sexual misconduct, or colored by impaired recollection due to
a mental health issue, illicit drug use, or alcoholism. What’s the issue? Evaluators and courts do
not often have the benefit of a mental health professional’s formal diagnosis of a parent as
suffering from NPD. Instead, evaluators and courts simply have descriptive phrases and
recollections presented by litigants and by the vying litigants’ respective collateral witnesses.
Temporary orders are negotiated, or a brief hearing establishes some short-term rules and
boundaries in the context of cases involving children. A corollary of temporary orders is often
the entry of an order for a Child Custody Evaluation (CCE). As a result of temporary orders
before the CCE begins, the applecart has been upset, the rules are changed, and the roles
expanded or diminished. Emotional adjustment, physical adjustment, less or more time at work,
daycare, huge expenses, and simply proximity to the children are often subject to massive
change.
The mere fact that someone attempts to overstate their abilities in court and/or in a CCE may not
be indicative of narcissism. Indeed, one’s attorney may have advised that neither the CCE nor
court is a forum for humility. Rather, they may have advised their client to “talk your abilities
up” or “put yourself in the best light.”
Is the answer to who is the better parent a setup, a launching pad, or the truth perhaps mixed with
a bit of gloating or exaggeration? Attorneys warn their clients not to use the words “always” or
“never,” yet evaluators frequently hear those very qualifiers. Managing the internal strivings for
the healthier narcissist is relatively easy because the humility feeds into the parent’s fantasy that
this will make the evaluator like them better than the other parent. Narcissistic parents view
themselves as superior because they say they are. Narcissists will spin anything they have done
to attempt to convince a third party that their behavior is “better or best.” Should a narcissist
American Bar Association, Section of Litigation
Family Law Litigation
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
© 2023 by the American Bar Association. Reproduced with permission. All rights reserved. This information or any
portion thereof may not be copied or disseminated in any form or by any means or stored in an electronic database
or retrieval system without the express written consent of the American Bar Association.
Page 5 of 5
admit that something he or she has done is less than superior, such an admission would be
perceived by the narcissist as documenting external humiliation. Unless the narcissist has
convinced themselves that a certain fact can help them, they cannot allow an admission against
interest to trigger their shame.
The takeaway: Divorcing a narcissist is onerous, but not impossible.
Jeffrey Siegel is a forensic and clinical psychologist in Dallas, Texas.
Elisa Reiter is a senior attorney with Underwood Perkins, P.C. in Dallas, Texas.
Daniel Pollack is a professor at Yeshiva University’s School of Social Work in New York, New
York.