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The Enticement of Feeling Understood, Validated, and Cared for: How Does Perceiving a Partner as Responsive Affect the Sexual Arena?

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Abstract

Partners’ behaviors outside the bedroom may spill over into the bedroom. One such behavior is responsiveness, as it creates a relationship ambiance conducive to the development of intimacy. In this article, I review research demonstrating how perceiving partners as responsive outside the bedroom affects the quality of sexual interactions, highlighting changes in the contextual meaning of partner responsiveness across individuals and relationship stages. I then provide an overview of the costs and benefits of responsiveness within the bedroom. I conclude by suggesting directions for future research on the potential of partner responsiveness for fostering a relationship environment that inoculates against alternative partners as well as for designing social robots and virtual mates for those in need of a surrogate partner.
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The Enticement of Feeling Understood, Validated, and Cared for: How Does Perceiving a
Partner as Responsive Affect the Sexual Arena?

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Highlights
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Abstract
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The Enticement of Feeling Understood, Validated, and Cared for: How Does Perceiving a
Partner as Responsive Affect the Sexual Arena?
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!,#,#,&#!,;!,5) ,14#4,#"##"#
!,##4,4)),#4##!@,;)"#!,,11)!&)#,
#!##11!#,1#5)1!,,,<#4!4,,14#4,#"##1,!#
,#4,#"##,,<##,, &4,","";,1#!,##1#
!,!)$##1!,#1,#$,;4#4,#"##!1
!#5)),#4;))B$ @&1,5 4)&),#4# ,##,
!
 0
1. The Sexual Antecedents and Manifestations of Perceiving a Partner as Responsive Outside
the Bedroom
:4!4,,14##4,#"#!",1)1#4!
!,##)$"! 4,4#,)#&#1,1 ),1, ,,1
 ,,),#>&-?:#4!4,4)$#!!),)",#4#,)
4#,)4,!###%&#)1B),4,"#,,1#44,*>3&8?!,##11
!,5#&!)4B!)4!),#4#>-&8?$&#4,#"###
4!))$),, !),#4#&#,,!,5")##,4,
!,1,1)1)) ,1#&)#+#!)#>0?+#!,5&
#4,#"## $#)4)$##&")#&#44,# 4,#4!#
,1,C##)1B!,!4#,;4, ,,4<#;)1&#1,#
4,#"),#4$ !," >-&6?
#44,,1#,(&5#"#!# ,#;,1
4#,)1##)1, 4!"4##4,#">-&7?D,5 4)&
4,4);,4!"4##4,#" ,)@)$,54## ,,#,
4#>/?&1," 11)"#>A?& ,"#),#4>-.?
!"4#4,#"##)#,!)"#4#$!,),!)",) !$;
4#>-&--?&),#4B#4!1!! #!$>-3?&,"))),#4##1!,
>-8&-0?
:4,#"11!#,1#4,#"##5,#5)#4,#"##&#
##&!";#1, ,1,B#5)1,4)$#,#,, &!
),#4", #!,!",1!),,1#5)#,4);,4!"
4#,#4,#",,B#5)#!";#5)!,##
,44,$,!" , !,;#!#4,#"4#&
!!,)$& $54!#1,#5; !,#&4,4);,4!"
4#,,#,44!,B#5)# $54!"
 6
 ,,#! #,#,#5)!"$;4#
)$,E,$>-6?
:##,##44,1, #")##54),,;4!4,#,1
4#4,#"##1)!#5)$ !#,1,,),#4#4!1!))$&
#!##,;")#;,4!"4###4,#"4, ,1=
1##, >-7?&4,))$#1$ ,,),; >-/?,"#)$&
,#;,4!"4###4,#" $;;1,  &)#
1##&11,,4,! #)"#1, 4,)E!,>-7?D"#,#,
 !# )$11!,1#4,#"##,#5)#4,#"")
#4,#"4#4!"," ")&!,#=)$&# ,#5))$
#)>-6?
, ;, 54!4,#"11!,14#4,#"##,#
1,4+, &,;"&44, ,#,)$11!$4C#
#4,#"## >-6?54),1,# $#4,#"4###
#, ,;,#;)),"#),#4>-.?4,##### 4,=)#
!##$,,,44!#;, 4,!"!,##
&$,)$ ,")$,!#!4#<;))##)$,4,"
!>-A&3.?'!&,,4!,###4,#"##)@)$," E, 4!,
#5)#& ," ,1#),#4#;4$")
>?
1.1. Changes in the meaning of partner responsiveness
))&#!,5) ,14#4,#"##)@)$!#!,##),#4
"),4 &1#,#4,#"###5)##)#),#4#,,
!##)$44)$,)$##,1, !),#4##)$##&;!,1
 #;!$>3?&4,4) $4#C#54##,#,1#4,#"##
;!,:$ $#4,#"##,), ,"#&#!##)1B4#,
 7
#$, 4),,,#5)1",#&,4!"##,1##>6&3-?, 
4,4) $"";)!@,1#4,#"##4,#")$&##4,#"##
,# ,#5))$#)#4,#"#>33?
#!#1,),#4,#"####)",5#
4#>-6?&4,)4#;,44,")$#4,#"1,!),###,,
);$## )#5)#>6&3-?#!,5,1)!,#&11!,1
#4,#"##,#5)#"#!,##! ,,#&;",)$!
")#54##!##5)##4,#"#&;##!)$
5,#)$!")#54##!##>6?:#1###
 4!,1#4,#"##,#5)#4#,,<#4#,),)##4,#"##
!#4#5)#4,4);,4# !$!,#1,
)@)$,";#5)!"$# #,14, ,!),###;#4,#"4,#4!"
4#")##&#4,#"## $,#;,4,(4!,"
 !$&# 4)#)"),1 ,,)!),###$;#,",:1,&#,1
;!),#,#4,#"!=!#&$ $!#!$#5)
#
11!#4#4,#"##!)#, 4!#5)!,#,
#4,#"##&;;, 4,)###5)# 4,
#>6&3-?2<#;, <#11 4#$!,),# $!!,1,#1
2 ,)@)$, ,",#( ,44,#>38?&;!!),
,"# ,,1;, C##5)#>30?2 $1,4;, <#
#4,#"####,1#5)#!!!,)$;#5)#
+, &,,&)@)$,#@4!),14,)4#<!,  ,#
>36?:$ $###4!,#,1#4,#"##<,#&
#4,#"##,44)#&#!# 4)"##,#4,&,
!, )!#
 /
1.2. How sex affects perceptions of partner responsiveness
#!!#!,,11)!!"#&#!54!
#5)#!)," ,#4,#")$%,4!"4#"#,*D,
5 4)&#$,),#4,1,54,#,#5)# )!#
4!4#C#4,#"##,4,)4#>37?:#####5)####
1,4 ,,)!,!,#$)!#4,#"##,;!"##
%),!,)4,5!))$#)1B11, ;, $1!"E 1,
#4)$#4,#"##,,)$),#4>3-?*##"")#5)
#@4#11!),#4=)$," &)54##,#,1#4,#"##
 #)#),#4#4!1!))$&4,4);,54!#5)
#1,4#5))$##1,"#4,#")$%4!"
4###4,#"*,#5),B#5)!"#>0&-0&3/?1$#5)
54!#!##"# !# !,#"# ),#4#;
#)4#$!##4,#"##,#!#5)#,##1$
#5)54!#&!,#& $),)###4,#"",,;4;,#,
),4!"#;,4#>0?
2. Responsiveness inside the Bedroom
),)#4,#"###5)#4,#"###, ;)>.?&$
,!)4;,##4,#",$!,# $,!##)$
#,;)), ,C##,, &"!"#5)#4,#"##
#,)1,";#=4!,,1#5)),#4;))B
#1)!,,1)#4,#"##:###4!))$ ,, ,#),#4#&
;!4#$4!))$)$5!)#")$,!,,##1$#5)#&,1;)
"11##D), ##!#),1#,# 
$,,, ,),#4," >.&3A?,"#)$&;
4#,!,C##5)#!, !,4)$,41!#&
 A
$ ,)@)$,1)!, 1,)54## ,###"))#;)
;,@,,1 ))$##1$#,),#>3A&8.?#!##44,#&
 ,##5)#4,#"##11##!)##5)#," >8?#
;))#4!#!,  &#5)##1!,&),#4##1!,,"$,
)#4,#"##>8-&83?D ,&;4#C#5)##!,1)!&
#4,#",!,C##!)4 "##,#;$#1
),#4>3A&83?&#!###4,#,#5)E!,
!, ,#)>88?
5)#4,#"## $")$ ,#1!),),#4;))B
,# #,1),#4"))$&;!#!!4! ,#
#!!##&#4,#"##!#"),#4B4,!"1!,& #
 4,#$)!! #!#%&#,,4,,&!,4;!)!)#5)
###*>80&86?,),#4B 4#%&! 5$*>87?
#4,#"##&,;"&!!@11@,)$5 ;4,4))!
,;#,",#$14)#>8/?#!!##&4,4) $"#5
1,)##,, ,##,#%&1)4##$)54!,#*>8A?;)1,!#
,"#)1B)@,11);,$,14#<,#,14,#"4B1,!#
!#&#!#1)#,1!),###>8/?:####! #5)1!,
4",4#1, 41#,1 ,)!#4,#"##>8/&8A?
3. Discussion and Future Directions
:"!4# ,##; #;#4,#"##
##,##5)##,# 4,"#,&#!,5) 
#4,#"### ,#)@)$,##;!#4##"4#
;"#5; #)@)$,!)$")),#4#:#,)#
#5)!,5#&;#4,#"##! ###1!,!, #;!))
!! #!#&#),#!,"$#!,),,E!,1#D
 .
#!#!##$,545###&"#),) 4)!,#,1
)#4!"#4,#"##;##"#5),4!#&#!#1##&
#!),#+)#!#!),## $1#5! ,),#4&$!)#, @
#!),## ,")),E E!,'B=)$)#!)44, ,
4!"4#4,#"## " ,,#),E!,>7&0.?&
)!,4)#,41#,1#!#!),##2,#!#)#,=,
 ;#4,#"##!4,!),#4#,,)$1, !)#)#,
1, ,1)"4#&4, 44#,!),#4B !
##&#!#"),,1)"#
D))$&#")!,#!, !#)$!, ,4,))$ 4!
),#444##>0?&!,4,###,!,),$"),4 !
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;,#5#4#),;)), #
 
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Perceived partner responsiveness mediates the association between sexual and
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>-6?  &#':&2(2&IB2$ ,J&##&,"#@B2)
Intimately connected: The importance of partner responsiveness for experiencing
sexual desire. J Pers Soc Psychol -.6&111:03.B086
>-7? 2(2&IB2$ ,J& : You haven't been on my mind lately:
Partner responsiveness mediates the link between attachment insecurity and dyadic fantasies.
J Soc Pers Relat -./&35:88.B80A
>-/?  &IB2$ ,J&2(2&!2&: What fantasies can do to
your relationship: The effects of sexual fantasies on couple interactions. Pers Soc Psychol
Bull -.A&45:86B876
>-A? +)I&,,$B &##2&#,I&,,@,;#@&,,@,;#@MK4!!
2Sex differences in mate preferences across 45 countries: A large-scale
replication.NPsychol. Sci+-.-.&31:8./H8-3
>3.? :"#Parental investment and sexual selectionSexual selection and the descent
of man$ 4)))GA7-36H7A
 0
>3? 11+&!#Information seeking in initial stages of relational development
Handbook of Relationship Initiation$4!&+()&'"$L#$!,),$##G
-../A7H-0
>3-?  &B,:&#':&)Why do men prefer nice women over bad
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>30? D!'&'#&#&;2Social sexual interactions: Meta-
analyses of sex differences in perceptions of flirtatiousness, seductiveness, and
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>36? '#),2&)The paranoid optimist: An integrative evolutionary model
of cognitive biasesPers Soc Psychol Rev -..6&1087H66
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the enactment of relationship-initiating behaviorsJ Soc Pers Relat -.A&363.07B3.78
>3/? L,&#':&#L&'& The role of implicit sexual
desire in romantic relationshipsPers Individ Dif -.A&14986H06
 6
>3A? FF 4&I LL&2#A communal approach to sexual need responsiveness
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FF:,##!,!, ) ,",&#5)E!,&#4,##,#5)
E!,,4,"#,1,;4#!#!!##1))$)!#5)
#,) )$4;#,11)1))#5)!,!,
>8.? ,;)#2&,,#&2)OL&C2&P!('P(2What does it mean
to be responsive to a partner's sexual needs? Toward a definition of sexual need
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meet a partner's sexual needs sustains sexual desire in long-term romantic relationships
Soc Psychol Personal Sci -.3&4-67B-73
>8-? 2#& 4Good, giving and game: The relationship benefits of
communal sexual responsiveness. Soc Psychol Personal Sci -.0&668B7-
>83? $&2#&L,)& 4To do it or not to do it? How communally
motivated people navigate sexual interdependence dilemmasPers Soc Psychol Bull -.0&
417AB/.8
>88? I LL&2#&@)@LI&,#& 4When tonight is not the night:
Sexual rejection behaviors and satisfaction in romantic relationships. Pers Soc Psychol Bull
-.-.&46876B8A.
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Associations with sexual and relationship satisfaction across three wavesArch Sex Behav
-.-.&49-/8AB-/6
>86? 2#&,& 4&,#The costs and benefits of sexual
communal motivation for couples coping with vulvodyniaHealth Psychol -.7&36/AB
/-7
>87? 4,#,&2#Perceived partner sexual responsiveness buffers anxiously
attached individuals' relationship and sexual quality in daily lifeJ Fam Psychol -.-&
350..B0.A
>8/?  4&2#&'#$ !@Giving in the bedroom: The costs and benefits
of responding to a partner's sexual needs in daily lifeL,!#)-.A&36-800B-873
>8A? F,@,&,#&,#B2&'#$ !@& 4&2#Being
responsive and self-determined when it comes to sex: How and why sexual motivation is
associated with satisfaction and desire in romantic relationshipsJ Sex Res -.--&12B3
F:,# ,#;;$ ,",#4,#",4<##5)
#!#,!#1, #5)),#4=)$
>0.?(!@,"&+#&&)@&& &2Connection heals wounds: Feeling listened
to reduces speakers’ loneliness following a social rejection disclosureNPers Soc Psychol Bull
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The effect of flirting with a virtual agent on attraction to real alternative and existing
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FF:##!#1#,#,;!;")4, ,#)B;,)
),#4#
>0-? &2(&2&',11 &&#&':&D@)&L&##&What robots
can teach us about intimacy: The reassuring effects of robot responsiveness to human
disclosure., 4' "-.6&6386B8-3
... Just as monotony and a negative relationship atmosphere can migrate into the bedroom 20,109 , foreplay can start outside its walls 118 . Experiencing feelings of love and emotional connection with one's partner 110,119 , along with non-sexual expressions of intimacy (such as behavioural synchrony, affectionate touch and sharing personal experiences) can enhance sexual desire 41,120-123 . ...
... The interplay between these internal and external forces becomes particularly evident when people cope with the conflict between their commitment to the current partner and the allure of other potential mates, determining whether they will choose to invest in the current relationship or seek out seemingly more compatible partners 29,30 . In these and other moments of relationship vulnerability, when sexual desire might wane, being motivated to be responsive to each other's needs -both inside and outside the bedroom -can be instrumental in sustaining a stable and satisfying relationship 33,118,183,188,189 . Future research should test whether people's responsiveness to a partner (or assertion of their own needs) can be shifted in helpful ways that contribute to the maintenance of desire and relationship quality over time. ...
Article
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Sexual desire initially draws romantic partners together and continues to influence relationship functioning once relationships are more established. However, sexual interactions between romantic partners do not occur in a vacuum, and sexual desire can be influenced by the relational context as well as other situational factors. In this Review, we consider how sexual desire and relationship functioning influence each other across relationship development. First, we delineate how sexual desire changes over time and shapes relationship trajectories. We then introduce the relationship development model of sexual desire, which clarifies the functional significance of sexual desire in relationship development and the circumstances in which this function becomes particularly prominent. Next, we consider the reverse causal direction, providing an overview of how contextual, relational and individual factors influence couples' sexual well-being and the inclination to seek sexual gratification outside the current relationship. We conclude by considering unanswered questions in the field and discuss how novel approaches, such as using dating apps to recruit people at the earliest stages of their relationship, might provide insight into these questions.
... For example, following a pregnancy loss, individuals have reported intense emotional experiences such as a sense of failure, self-blame, and disconnection from and distrust in their bodies (Jaffe & Diamond, 2011). Perceiving a partner as responsive (e.g., validating, understanding, supportive) to these concerns may be beneficial to facilitating a sexual connection by building intimacy within the relationship (Birnbaum, 2023). Indeed, greater sexual intimacy has been significantly linked to lower reported grief , and reduced grief can have further implications for one's overall well-being (Shear et al., 2011). ...
... Thus, in line with extant research, these responses indicate that improving other aspects of one's relationship may be associated with some of the positive sexual changes reported by our sample. For example, a sense of closeness and perceived partner responsiveness (e.g., understanding, acceptance) within a relationship can serve as relationship-protecting factors that promote sexual well-being during periods of turbulence (Birnbaum, 2023). Fostering intimacy may also reduce individuals' feelings of guilt, isolation, meaninglessness, and fear (Lang & Gottlieb, 1993), which may provide a buffer against common declines in sexual desire following a loss (Serrano & Lima, 2006). ...
Article
Pregnancy loss has been linked to poorer mental and relationship well-being. Given that strong sexual well-being is associated with better mental and physical health, understanding sexual well-being following a recent pregnancy loss may contribute to education and treatment models. Yet, little research has examined the effects of pregnancy loss on both couple members' sexual well-being. Accordingly, using Marks' team-based method for inductive thematic analysis, this qualitative study examined three open-ended questions regarding how individuals' (N = 255 individuals, across 133 couples) sexual well-being reportedly changed - positively and negatively - and was supported following a recent pregnancy loss (i.e. within 5 months). We also considered if the identified themes differed in frequency between women and gender-diverse individuals who were pregnant when the loss occurred, and men, women, and gender-diverse partners who were not pregnant. Across participants, we found three themes regarding positive changes (e.g. Relationship growth; A new meaning to sex), five themes related to negative changes (e.g. Decreased desire and frequency; Health and body changes), four themes pertaining to support factors (e.g. Communicating openly; Offering support and respecting readiness), and three themes reflecting: No positive changes, No negative changes, and Nothing done to support sexual well-being. Results of this study may guide psychoeducation to increase awareness of potential changes following pregnancy loss and encourage supportive behaviors to benefit couple members' sexual well-being.
... Coping with SIAD long-term provokes many negative emotions (e.g., guilt, sadness), particularly for women and gender-diverse individuals with distressing low desire, and can strain relationships (Frost & Donovan, 2019). Thus, perceiving a more understanding partner may be a protective factor in relationship maintenance for individuals with SIAD (Birnbaum, 2023). ...
Article
Full-text available
Prior cross-sectional research established that four distinct responses to sexual rejection are associated with sexual and relationship well-being among couples affected by Sexual Interest/Arousal Disorder (SIAD). Examining these associations daily and prospectively will provide insight into within-person variations, temporality, and directionality. Women and gender-diverse individuals diagnosed with SIAD and their partners (N = 232 couples) completed a baseline survey, 56-day diary, and 6-month follow-up survey, assessing responses to sexual rejection, sexual satisfaction, dyadic sexual desire, sexual distress, and relationship satisfaction. Post hoc exploratory analyses controlled for non-physical sexual coercion and sexual rejection frequency. On days when individuals with SIAD perceived or their partners reported greater understanding responses than usual, they both reported higher relationship satisfaction, but also greater sexual distress. Daily perceived or reported greater resentful or insecure responses were associated with lower sexual and relationship satisfaction, and greater sexual distress. Enticing responses showed mixed results. For partners, all daily self-reported response types were positively associated with their own dyadic sexual desire. Prospectively for individuals with SIAD perceiving greater understanding and lower resentful and enticing responses at baseline predicted their own greater sexual and relationship satisfaction and perceiving greater insecure responses predicted their partners’ greater sexual satisfaction, six months later. For partners, greater insecure responses at baseline predicted their own lower sexual satisfaction and greater sexual distress six months later. Results suggest that partner responses to sexual rejection may be useful intervention targets aimed at promoting the sexual well-being and relationship satisfaction of couples coping with SIAD.
... Key factors such as the extent of mutual dependence between partners, the depth of their commitment, and the level of trust they share collectively contribute to these shifts (Birnbaum, 2018;Mark & Lasslo, 2018). It is not surprising, for example, that desire tends to increase when a partner is responsive to one's emotional needs and makes one feel valued (Birnbaum, 2023;Birnbaum et al., 2016), and tends to wane when a partner's behavior is hurtful . It might be less intuitive, however, to realize that external factors beyond partners' control can also impact how desirable they are perceived to be, as demonstrated in the present research. ...
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When searching for a partner, people often rely on social cues to determine partners’ suitability, finding those who attract attention from others particularly appealing. While people continue to evaluate their partners beyond relationship initiation, existing research has predominantly concentrated on the effects of observing others’ choices during the stage of partner selection, neglecting to consider whether viewing others’ attention toward current partners yields similar effects or instead elicits defensive devaluation. In three experiments, we exposed Israeli participants to situations where their partners received unsolicited flirtatious advances, utilizing visualization, virtual reality, and recall techniques. Participants then rated their desire for their partner and mate retention efforts. Results indicated that attention to partners led to decreased desire for them, subsequently predicting reduced relationship investment. These findings suggest that witnessing current partners receiving attention holds a different meaning than observing potential partners in a similar situation, making salient the risk of losing the partner.
... Individuals who perceived more responsive IER from their partner on average across diaries also reported higher sexual satisfaction and desire, though the latter effect was no longer significant when controlling for covariates. Results are consistent with theory and evidence highlighting the importance of perceived partner responsiveness for sexual well-being (Birnbaum, 2023) and emphasize the value of emotional support (Burleson, 2008) in managing a partner's emotions during conflict. When an individual perceives their partner as responding to their emotions with validation, this could enhance intimacy, which is a robust predictor of sexual well-being (van Lankveld et al., 2018). ...
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... When a romantic partner is perceived to be responsive, they are perceived to be caring, understanding, and validating. Indeed, it has been found that perceived partner responsiveness (PPR) is correlated with positive sexual outcomes (see review by Birnbaum, 2023). Specifically, it has been found that PPR is associated with sexual desire (Birnbaum et al., 2016;Mizrahi et al., 2018), sexual function (Bergeron et al., 2021), and sexual satisfaction (Gadassi et al., 2016;Rosen et al., 2020). ...
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... On the other hand, partnered sexual pleasure is presented as a multisensorial intense experience linked to feeling protected and understood in an interpersonal context, which can be linked to the responsiveness detected in other people [78]. The definitions of the participants of this study are in line with a proposed framework for the comprehension of sexual pleasure [10] that accentuates the individual capacity (a trait) to do so because our participants referred to the importance of openness to experience as an essential aspect to consider the definition of pleasure, as well as the contexts in which sexual activity occurs (state). ...
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