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Original Article
Journal of Family Issues
2022, Vol. 0(0) 1–21
© The Author(s) 2022
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DOI: 10.1177/0192513X211064876
journals.sagepub.com/home/jfi
Estrangement Between
Siblings in Adulthood: A
Qualitative Exploration
Lucy Blake
1
, Becca Bland
2
, and
Alison Rouncefield-Swales
3
Abstract
Relationships between siblings have been described as the longest lasting an
individual can have, yet siblings both can and do become estranged from one
another in adulthood. An online survey was disseminated to individuals who
had sought support from the charity Stand Alone, which supports individuals
who are experiencing family estrangement. Individuals estranged from one full
genetic sister and/or brother were asked to describe the relationship in their
own words. Open-text responses were thematically analysed from 291 re-
spondents. Family systems were described as being characterised by es-
trangements, alliances and conflicts; there was variation in the participant’s
preferences regarding reconciliation; and most respondents focused on
describing their sibling’s challenging or disappointing characteristics and
behaviour. The fact that siblings both can and do become estranged challenges
commonly held assumptions about family relationships, confirming that they
are not necessarily or always life-long, significant or supportive.
1
University of the West of England, Bristol, UK
2
Stand Alone, London, UK
3
Faculty of Health, Social Care and Medicine, Edge Hill University, Ormskirk, UK
Corresponding Author:
Lucy Blake, Department of Health and Social Sciences, Frenchay Campus, University of the
West of England, (UWE Bristol), Faculty of Health and Applied Sciences, Coldharbour Lane,
Bristol BS16 1QY, UK.
Email: lucy.blake@uwe.ac.uk
Keywords
estrangement, intergenerational, parent/child relations, qualitative, sibling
relationship
Sibling relationships are often described as being the longest lasting of
people’s lives (Cicerelli, 1995). Although scholarship on siblings is flour-
ishing (Williams, Riggs, & Kaminski, 2016), it has lagged behind that on other
family relationships and there has been less focus on the quality of rela-
tionships in adulthood (Whiteman, McHale, & Soli, 2011).Most research on
siblings describes these relationships as both enduring and, for the majority,
supportive. However, there has been some acknowledgement that these re-
lationships ‘may be among the most damaging of relationships as well’
(Hardy, 2001, p. 255), and recognition that the termination of a sibling re-
lationship is in contrast with expectations of siblings’ties (Allan, 1977).
Research on estrangement, which is a term broadly understood to refer to
family members who have negative, distant or inactive relationships in terms
of communication, contact and relationship quality (Blake, 2017), has largely
focused on the parent–child relationship. To the author’s knowledge, no
studies have yet focused specifically on exploring or examining the nature of
estranged relationships between siblings in adulthood. To address this gap,
this study explored the nature and quality of estrangement between adult
siblings. Specifically, this study explored how individuals who are experi-
encing estrangement describe this relationship with their sibling, or lack
thereof, in their own words.
Siblings Relationships in Adulthood
Sibling relationships are varied: whereas some siblings might share common
biological or genetic origins (full siblings and half-siblings), others might be
defined by law (e.g. adoptive siblings and step-siblings) (Cicerelli, 1995), with
most of the literature having focused on the former (Steinbach & Hank, 2018).
In adulthood, most siblings maintain contact with one another (Allan,
1977;Spitze & Trent, 2006). Sibling relationships vary in levels of warmth
and closeness (e.g. intimacy, prosocial behaviour, companionship, affection,
similarity, admiration of the sibling and admiration by the sibling) and levels
of conflict (e.g. quarrelling, antagonism and competition) (Derkman, Scholte,
Van Der Veld, & Engels, 2010;Williams et al., 2016). The existence of both
positive and negative emotions alongside one another has long been rec-
ognised as an important characteristic of sibling relationships (Campione-Barr
& Killoren, 2019).
2Journal of Family Issues 0(0)
Negative life events, such as physical illness, psychological problems,
addiction, problems with the law, being a victim of abuse or financial
problems, can contribute to relationships with siblings becoming less active
and supportive, and more strained (Voorpostel, 2012). The following negative
experiences in particular have been identified as being detrimental for the
sibling bond over the life course: (1) child maltreatment and sibling abuse; (2)
parental differential treatment and (3) disputes over caregiving.
Child Maltreatment and Sibling Abuse
Little research has focused on the ways in which child maltreatment –the
physical, psychological, sexual abuse and neglect of one or more children by
one or more parents –affects the sibling relationship (Katz & Hamama, 2018).
Siblings can be involved in abuse in different ways, for example, one child
might be scapegoated for abuse/neglect whilst their sibling is not; a child
might be forced to engage in the perpetration or be a witness to the abuse/
neglect of their sibling; or they might be their protector or rescuer whilst being
simultaneously abused.
Likewise, relatively little research has focused on abuse between sib-
lings (Morrill-Richards & Leierer, 2010), although this has been described
as be the most common kind of intra-family abuse (Kiselica & Morrill-
Richards, 2007). Some researchers postulate that his lack of attention could
be due to the fact that violence and aggression between siblings is thought
to be a ‘normal’characteristic of family life (Caffaro & Conn-Caffaro,
2005)
Whereas conflict between siblings usually is thought to consist of
mutual disagreements over resources in the family, sibling maltreatment
has been described as occurring when one sibling taking on the role of
aggressor towards another with categories of abuse being psychological,
physical, and sexual (Kiselica & Morrill-Richards, 2007;Morrill-Richards
& Leierer, 2010). Sibling abuse is understood to occur when there is an
intent to harm and when there have been attempts to intimidate or control a
sibling through severe, intrusive, harmful, painful or physically over-
whelming acts, causing the victim to experience extreme fear and anxiety
(Meyers, 2017).
Risk factors for sibling abuse include: parental unavailability, a lack of
parental supervision, parent–child attachment difficulties, poor or ineffec-
tive parenting, low level of paternal involvement and acceptance, differential
treatment of siblings; high levels of conflict in spousal and parent–child
subsystems; high levels or stress and ineffective coping strategies; and
inappropriate expectations placed on older siblings to provide significant
sibling care (Caffaro, 2014). Individual risk factors include a history of
victimisation, a lack of impulse control, emotional immaturity, low empathy,
Blake et al. 3
sadistic or cruel tendencies, substance use and dissociative reactions to
trauma.
Although the prevalence of estrangement between siblings in adulthood
has not been a direct focus of study, one qualitative study of 72 adult survivors
of sibling incest or assault alluded to estrangement, with the authors reporting
that 34% of participants did not have contact with their abusive sibling in
adulthood (Caffaro & Conn-Caffaro, 2005).
Parental Differential Treatment
Parental favouritism or parental differential treatment (PDT) has been found to
be common across the life span (Hartnett, Fingerman, & Birditt, 2018); Suitor,
Gilligan, Peng, Jung, & Pillemer, 2017)with mothers being found to favour the
same child across time (Suitor, Gilligan, Peng, Con, Rurka, & Pillemer, 2016).
Parents have been found to differentiate amongst their children in terms of
warmth, emotional closeness and the provision of emotional as well as financial
and instrumental support. Parents recognise differences between their children,
in behaviour, personality, and needs and cite these differences as motivation for
treating their offspring differently (Fingerman, Miller, Birditt, & Zarit, 2009).
Although no studies have examined the relationship between PDT and
estrangement, parental preference of one sibling over another is linked to
poorer sibling relationships from early childhood through adolescence
(Richmond, Stocker, & Rienks, 2005;Shanahan, McHale, Crouter, &
Osgood, 2008). Likewise, in adulthood, sibling relationship quality dimin-
ishes with increased parental favouritism (Gilligan, Suitor, Kim, & Pillemer,
2013;Jensen, Whiteman, Fingerman, & Birditt, 2013) and is PDT is asso-
ciated with reduced psychological well-being (Jensen, Nielson, & Yorgason,
2019;Pillimer, Suitor, & Henderson, 2010;Suitor et al., 2017). It is not just
current perceptions of differential treatment that affects psychological well-
being and the quality of the sibling relationship in adulthood, but brothers and
sisters’recollections of differential treatment in childhood (Peng, Suitor, &
Gilligan, 2018;Suitor et al., 2009).
Although most research has explored PDT in European American families,
recent research emphasises that it is important to consider how PDT can have
different meanings and outcomes depending on cultural understandings and
assumptions about family support, loyalty and interdependence among family
members (i.e. familism) within different cultural contexts (Con, Suitor, Rurka,
& Gilligan, 2019;Solmeyer & McHale, 2017).
Conflicts Over Caregiving
As parents’age, the sharing of caregiving responsibilities can impact the
quality of sibling relationships. Siblings might have to be in contact more
4Journal of Family Issues 0(0)
frequently when it comes to determining who should provide care to an elderly
parent and to coordinate the provision of care (Connidis & Kemp, 2008).
Conflict between siblings both can and does arise during this process which
can strain the sibling relationship (Lashewicz & Keating, 2009;Ngangana,
Davis, Burns, McGee, & Montgomery, 2016;Strawbridge & Wallhagen,
1991).
Siblings who provide care for a mother experiencing ill health and who
perceive their mothers as having a preferred child to provide care have been
found to experience tension in the sibling relationship (Suitor, Gilligan, &
Pillemer, 2013). When there is an inequity in the sharing of caring respon-
sibility, those who are primary caregivers often report feelings of distress,
which can increase if efforts to establish equity fail (Ingersoll-dayton, Neal,
Ha, & Hammer, 2003). One study found that some sibling conflicts became
‘so heated that relationships were severed or legal action taken’(Strawbridge
& Wallhagen, 1991, p. 775).
The Present Study
Although estrangement between siblings has been alluded to in these different
fields of research, it has not, in and of itself, been a topic of focus. In order to
address this gap in the literature, this study addressed the following ex-
ploratory question:
How do those who identify as being estranged from a brother or sister
experience this relationship?
Method
Measures
An online survey was created to explore the estrangement experiences of
those in the [masked for review] community, a charity based in the [blinded for
review] which provides support to individuals who are estranged from their
family or key family member. The generalisability of the study findings are
therefore limited: whilst the findings will be reflective of those who identify as
estranged and seek support, we cannot know whether and how they are
relevant or applicable to those who do not identify as estranged or do not seek
support. Recruiting participants through a support organisation may have
contributed to us reaching those who have more severe and distressing ex-
periences of family estrangement, as well as those individuals who had a
greater need for support compared to those who do not join support orga-
nisations. The limitations of the sampling approach will be addressed in the
limitations section of the discussion.
Blake et al. 5
The survey was disseminated via email to 1629 members of the [blinded
for rev] community in January 2015, inviting them to participate in an online
study on family estrangement. The email sent to members of the [blinded for
review] community was brief, confirming that the study was developed by the
first author in collaboration with the charity [blinded for review] in order to
further understand family estrangement, given that little academic research on
estrangement was available at the time. The survey was available to complete
online for 4 months from January to April 2015 and one follow-up email with
another invitation to participate was sent during that time.
The survey was devised by the first and second authors. It comprised
multiple choice and open-ended items. Questions were developed by re-
viewing existing literature on family estrangement whilst drawing upon the
practical experience of the second author. The survey was divided into four
main sections: (1) demographic information; (2) estrangement experiences
(whom respondents were estranged from, etc.); (3) respondents’experiences
of being estranged (e.g. the times of year which had been challenging for
respondents) and (4) standardised questionnaires about general well-being
(e.g. loneliness). All questions in the survey were optional. To address the
research question, data from the second section of the survey, exploring
respondents’experiences of estrangement from a family member, was uti-
lised. Specifically, data were analysed from respondents who answered the
following three questions, which were first asked about sisters and secondly
about brothers:
(1) Are you currently estranged from or experiencing relationship
breakdown with your sister/s, brother/s? (yes one sister/brother, yes
two or more sisters/brothers, no)
(2) Please confirm your relationship to your sister (full genetic sibling,
half, adoptive, step, other)
(3) Please describe your relationship (or lack of a relationship) with your
sister in your own words.
Data were analysed if the following three questions were answered as
follows: (1) yes –one sister/brother (2) full genetic sibling; and, (3) a written
response was provided.
Participants
Ethical approval for this study was obtained from the UniversityUniversity of
Cambridge Psychology Research Ethics Committee. Informed consent was
obtained from all participants. All respondents had sought membership of the
Stand Alone community and voluntarily responded to the call for research.
The operationalisation of estrangement is therefore identity-based (Blake,
6Journal of Family Issues 0(0)
2017), as participants responded to an advertisement that appealed to an aspect
of their identity. There were no exclusion criteria; other than that participants
had to be aged 18 or over.
A total of 807 respondents completed the survey, giving a response rate of
50%. No demographic data is available for the non-responders to the survey;
therefore, the demographic characteristics of responders and non-responders
cannot be compared. In the present study, data were analysed from 291
respondents: 169 respondents gave descriptions of their estrangement from a
brother and 163 gave descriptions of their estrangement from a sister. Of
these respondents, 41 were estranged relationship from one sister and one
brother.
The 291 respondents lived in 19 different countries, with the majority
living in the United Kingdom (49.5%), the United States (30.2%) and Canada
(8.9%). Their ages ranged from 19 to 70 (M = 27.83, SD 11.29). The majority
were White (91.8%), with the remaining respondents identifying as Asian
(4.4%), Mixed (2.1%), ‘Other’(1.4%, 3 Hispanic, 1 unspecified) or Black
(.3%). Most were women (88%), 9.3% men, 1.4% trans and .7% ‘other’(1
genderqueer, 1 unspecified). Most respondents were heterosexual (85.6%),
7.2% bisexual, 3.8% lesbian, 1.4% gay, 1.7% other (2 asexual, 1 bi-curious, 1
demisexual and 1 panromantic). Not all percentages add to 100 as demo-
graphic questions were not compulsory.
Analysis
In total, 34,232 words of text were analysed (17,657 words open-text re-
sponses estrangement from a brother, 16,575 from a sister). The qualitative
data were analysed using Atlas Ti and the analysis was guided by the
principles of qualitative description, which aims to report participant’s ex-
periences in as close a way as possible to their own interpretation
(Sandelowski, 2000,2001). The data were analysed in accordance with the
principles of thematic analysis (Braun & Clarke, 2006).
This paper presents a rich description of the entire data set, to give a sense
of the predominant or important themes. Phase 1 involved repeated reading of
the data and in phase 2, the most basic segment, or element, of the raw data
was coded. In phase 3, the different codes were sorted into potential themes
and phase 4 involved the refinement of those themes. In phase, 5 the themes
were defined and named, and in phase 6, the themes were considered in
relation to the research question and an argument was formulated.
The data were coded by the first author (blinded for review) and dis-
crepancies, questions and queries were discussed by the research team
throughout the coding process until a consensus was reached. To ensure the
validity of the results, peer debriefing and a systematic audit trail were
conducted (Flick, 2014). The former involved a family researcher experienced
Blake et al. 7
in qualitative methods becoming familiarised with data and discussing the
themes that had been identified. The latter involved an experienced family
researcher reviewing and retracing all of the relevant steps in the research
process, from the raw data, to data reduction, to the summary or synthesis of
themes and interpretations.
Findings
Three following themes were identified: (1) The family system: in describing
their estrangement from a sibling, most respondents gave descriptions of their
wider families; (2) The sibling relationship level: there was variation in terms
of how respondents felt about their relationship with the sibling in the present
and the past and (3) The individual level: most respondents focused on their
siblings’negative behaviours and characteristics. These themes are described
in more detail below.
The Family System Level: Estrangements, Favouritism,
Abuse and Disputes
When asked to describe their relationship with their sibling, most respondents
gave detailed descriptions of their wider family systems. Estrangements
between respondents and their parents were common, with most describing
their sibling as having sided with their parent or having chosen to maintain the
parent–child relationship over and above the sibling relationship. Some re-
spondents described their estranged parent as being in control of their sibling
through manipulation, brainwashing or blackmail:
“We were very close, but again once my mother decided I was to be cut from all
family contact, he would never wish to upset my mother who would in turn
make anyone who made contact with me pay a heavy price of emotional
blackmail”(White male, late 40s, UK).
Some described their sibling as facing similar issues or difficulties in their
relationships with their parents to themselves but felt that their sibling did not
address these issues as they were reliant on their parent for childcare, financial
support, or simply wanted to maintain contact with them.
For some, their relationship with their sibling relationship slowly faded out
over time, unable to survive the impact of the respondent’s estrangement from
a parent. However, for others, the sibling relationship had a sudden of definite
ending point, for example, a sibling giving an ultimatum, stating that any
future contact or relationship would be contingent on the ending of a parent–
child estrangement:
8Journal of Family Issues 0(0)
“My sister stopped contact with me when I stopped contact with my father. She
didn’t agree with me cutting contact with my father, and she said she no longer
wanted anything to do with me. She will only have contact if I speak with my
father again”(White female, early 40s, UK).
For some, parent–child and sibling estrangements had a ripple effect on the
family, not just affecting their relationship with their sibling but with their
nieces and nephews. Some questioned whether their nieces and nephews
knew they existed, whereas others described these relationships as ending
abruptly or fading out, which was sometimes initiated by the respondent, with
some wanting to protect their nieces and nephews and worrying that they
might become embroiled in the estrangement. However, for others, the es-
trangement was initiated by their niece or nephew, the direction of es-
trangement was not articulated, or was felt to be the responsibility of their
estranged sibling:
“I have not seen my nephew and niece; he has not seen my daughters, my mother
has been denied a relationship with her grandchildren, her grandchildren have
not experienced a relationship with their grandmother, with their cousins and so
it goes on. He has dropped a large stone into the pond and the ripples are massive
–there are so many denied relationships”(White female, late 40s, UK).
Parental favouritism was also common in respondent’s accounts. For
some, favouritism was seen to have started in adulthood, whereas for
others, favouritism had been a consistent theme since childhood: ‘Rela-
tionship destroyed by parents. We wereplayed off each other since we were
tiny’(White female, early 40s, UK).Parental favouritism was experienced
in different ways. Some felt left out when their sibling and parent spent
time together, whereas others felt ‘ganged up on’when in the company of
their sibling and parent/s. Some recognised that their parent’s differential
treatment had had a negative impact on their sibling as well as themselves,
and for some, that their parent’s differential treatment was related to
beliefs about what it is that men and women, and sons and daughters
should do:
“The way their raised us was to believe that men go to college, get a good job to
support their wife and children. The girls are less than that; they should get
married young, get a menial job clean the house, raise the children and cater to
the husband. They listened to my brother, they gave him a voice, allowed him to
have an opinion while I did not”(White female, late 50s, US).
Respondents also described family systems in which there was abuse.
Some described sexual abuse being perpetrated by a father, or grandparent,
Blake et al. 9
whereas others described their parents as having been physically and emo-
tionally abusive in childhood. Others spoke of abuse more generally, often
describing parents as having an addiction or experiencing mental health
problems or trauma:
“I know, as the oldest sibling, she’s seen and knows so much about the troubles
in our family. Our father’s alcoholism affected the family and as a result we’re
estranged and have been on and off, all of our lives...The truth is I’m deeply
traumatized by our family history. We are all traumatized. She’s angry and
rightfully so. We all have anger issues and are unable to speak without cutting
each other off”(Hispanic female, late 50s, US).
Others described how their disclosures of childhood abuse were met with
accusations that they were lying or exaggerating, disbelief or disengagement
from their siblings. Others described their sibling as living in denial, wanting
for everyone to get along and to bury any reminders of a difficult past.Some
respondents described not believing their sibling’s accusations of abuse: ‘My
brother feels that he was emotionally abused from the age of 14 until now by
my father. I don’t believe this to be true’(White female, late 20s, UK).
Disputes were also common in the wider family. Following the death of a
parent, some siblings had battled over inheritance: ‘…she challenged my
inheritance on the basis I worked hard and earned more so didn’t need mine’
(White female, late 30s, UK). Sometimes these disputes were informal and
other times they involved solicitors.Other disputes stemmed from the task of
caring for an elderly parent/s, involving disagreements over parents’health
status and capacity. These disagreements were commonly related to the
distribution of caring responsibilities for ageing parents, with one sibling
unfairly being seen as ‘taking charge’, or a sibling being accused of not
‘pulling their weight’:
“The final straw was her refusal to assist helping with the care of our mother
when she was unable to live and care for herself independently, her exact words
were: it’s not my responsibility”(White female, early 50s, USA).
The Relationship Level: No Two Sibling Relationships
the Same
There was a great deal of variation in the nature and quality of respondents’
estranged relationships with their siblings. Some described their relationship
as being one of ‘hate’or that the relationship was ‘toxic’, explaining that they
were in better psychological and physical health if they did not engage in an
active relationship with their sibling: ‘I have had to draw a line for my own
mental health’(White female, early 40s, UK). Others described the
10 Journal of Family Issues 0(0)
relationship as ‘complicated’or ‘stressful’, whereas others described their
relationship as being distant, with some describing their sibling as being like a
stranger:‘I don’t really know my brother’(White female, late 30s, UK).
Some respondents felt that they did not share the same values or political
beliefs as their sibling, whereas others described a disconnection in terms of
their priorities and lives in general (e.g. in terms of marital status, parenting
status, attitudes to work and religion). This was often described as a ‘clash’,
with some distinguishing between loving their sibling but not liking them: ‘I
love my sister, who is a great person in lots of ways, but I don’t like her very
much’(White female, late 40s, UK). Some identified their disconnection as
resulting from a variety of factors, such as a large age gap, a sibling having a
physical or mental health problem or disability, a sibling having acted as their
primary caregiver when they were children or their sibling as having left home
at a young age.
Whereas some described their relationship with their sibling as having been
positive in the past, having once felt very close to their sibling, others de-
scribed the relationship as having always been tense and strained, involving
conflict and bullying. Others described a relationship with their sibling that
had been consistently distant, having never felt close:
“Even as children we never got along. It wasn’t an aggressive situation, we just
had absolutely nothing in common. Growing up we didn’t share a sisterhood.
There was no gossiping or sharing makeup. She was a stranger to me and there
was no shared interest to bond over”(White female, early 40s, UK).
In terms of the direction of the estrangement, most described their sibling as
having cut contact with them, as their sibling had not responded to their phone
calls, emails, letters, text messages, or had blocked their calls or access to their
social media accounts. Some described how their sibling ended the rela-
tionship over a phone call or during a heated argument, whereas others
described waiting for their sibling to initiate contact and finding that this did
not happen. For those who initiated the estrangement themselves, this was
often described as a decision that had been building for a long time: ‘I cut ties.
It was a 10-year decision in the making’(White female, Late 50s, Canada).
Others described how they and their sibling both took steps towards es-
trangement, such as ceasing to send cards to one another: ‘The strange thing is
that there has been no argument, no falling out –the lack of contact just
happened’(White female, late 40s, UK).
The level of contact that respondents had with their estranged sibling
varied. Some described having no contact whatsoever with their estranged
sibling. This severing of all ties was sometimes enforced legally, involving
letters from solicitors, restraining orders, reports of behaviour to the police or
social services. Others threw away photographs and only knew where their
Blake et al. 11
sibling lived if they specifically searched for this information on the internet.
Some continued to have some contact with their estranged sibling, with one
respondent describing this as ‘semi contact’, involving sending or receiving a
text or a greeting card once or twice a year and occasionally gifts at birthday or
holidays, or attending events where they know their sibling might be present,
such as funerals, or birthday parties.
As for how respondents felt about their estranged relationship with a
sibling, some felt sad, hurt, frustrated, exhausted or devastated ‘…this is the
most painful, bewildering and grief-stricken experience of my life. I have been
through divorce and loss of a parent but this is worse that both of these’
(White female, early 50s, UK).Others described having reached a level of
acceptance and contentment with the fact that there would be no relationship
with their sibling in the future. For some, this acceptance involved feelings
such as sadness or disappointment: ‘I just find it very sad and it has made me
depressed, but I have now come to an acceptance of this is how it is and it will
not change’(White female, early 40s, UK).Others described missing their
sibling and loving them: ‘I love my estranged brother, but he is not capable of
being trustworthy’(White female, late 60s, USA).
The Individual Level: The Estranged Brother/Sister’s
Character and Behaviour
Sisters and brothers from whom the respondents were estranged were de-
scribed has having challenging character traits and displaying behaviour that
was inappropriate and harmful. The most common word that respondents used
to describe their sibling’s behaviour towards them was abusive. Sometimes
abuse was identified as having been emotional, physical, verbal or sexual in
nature, with some experiencing a combination of different kinds of abuse,
whereas other descriptions of abuse were less specific.Some described their
estranged sibling as having been physically and verbally violent, aggressive,
hostile or argumentative with them and with others more broadly:
“She made family events very difficult as she would start fights and not let
anyone avoid arguments –sometimes shoving people, hitting people, and
standing very close staring into people’s eyes with a blank face”(White female,
late 40s, USA).
Some described their estranged sibling as being jealous of them and/or
competitive, whereas others described their estranged sibling as being un-
trustworthy and as having betrayed them or stolen from them or a family
member. For those estranged from a sister, this disloyalty was often related to
romantic relationships, marriages and divorces: ‘my sister supported by ex-
husband after my divorce’(White female, late 50s, UK).As for estrangements
12 Journal of Family Issues 0(0)
from brothers, a number of respondents described their brothers as being
controlled by or manipulated by their wives, or described the brother’swifeas
coming in-between the sibling relationship or the family as a whole:
“My brother has treated me with a lack of respect, in a second-class sort of way,
ever since being with his wife. She is quite manipulative. My brother has
changed from the kind person he was to a stressed, angry man”(White female,
late 40s, UK).
Siblings were also described as being unaccountable for their actions,
rarely, if ever, admitting that they had done something wrong and/or taking
responsibility for their actions. Other negative qualities included a sibling
being critical, bullying, controlling, manipulative, attention seeking, secretive,
patronising, grandiose and a trouble maker: ‘she has the ability to press
buttons in people and loves to revel in mayhem she has caused’(White female,
late 60s, UK). Those estranged from brothers sometimes described them as
being distant and disinterested in their lives: ‘My brother is cold and distant
and not interested in cultivating or maintaining a close relationship with me’
(White female, early 40s, Australia).
Some described their sibling has having a mental health problem or ad-
diction which they considered to be at the root of their sibling’s negative
behaviours and characteristics, the most commonly cited of which was
narcissism. Others identified trauma in their sibling’s lives, such as a mis-
carriage, living in a cult, or fighting in military combat as underlying and
driving their sibling’s negative behaviour: ‘My brother’s continued violence
and drug abuse resulted in my refusal to continue any kind of relationship’
(White female, early 40s, Canada).
Finally, a few respondents reflected on their own behaviours and char-
acteristics when describing their relationship with their sibling and how their
own mental health problems and childhood history had impacted the
relationship:
“To my shame, I bullied her relentlessly when I was a child, because of the clear
favouritism shown to her…Ireflected the emotional/ physical violence I suffered
back on to her”(White woman, late 40s, UK).
Discussion
As full genetic siblings typically share genes, social class, historical back-
ground and a network of interlocking family relationships (White, 2001), they
are often assumed to be the longest lasting relationships of people’s lives.
However, siblings both can and do become estranged, and their relationships
Blake et al. 13
become characterised by distance or inactivity in terms of contact, com-
munication and relationship quality.
In describing their relationship, or lack of a relationship, with their es-
tranged siblings, most respondents gave descriptions of their wider families,
which were characterised by estrangements, favouritism, abuse and disputes.
This finding is in line with a family systems approach to understanding family
relationships (Cox & Paley, 1997), which assumes that the relationships
between mothers, fathers, and their children shape one another (de Bel,
Kalmijn, & van Duijn, 2019;Hank & Steinbach, 2018). These findings
are also supportive of the broader literature on kinship, in which parents have
been described as constituting an individual’s‘inner circle’of support and
siblings a secondary tier of support, with the quality of the support in the
second tier being dependent on the quality of the inner circle (Voorpostel &
Blieszner, 2008;White, 2001). As summarised in a recent quantitative in-
vestigation of the quality of sibling relationships following the death of a
parent/s: ‘sibling ties can be understood better when they are studied in the
context of the larger family network’(Kalmijn & Leopold, 2019).
Given the inter-relatedness of relationships between parents, children and
siblings it is perhaps unsurprising that respondents who were estranged from a
sibling described their wider families as being characterised by estrangements
and alliances. That estrangement from a parent can lead to subsequent es-
trangement from a sibling is just one example of the ‘ripple effect’that es-
trangement can have on people’s lives and relationships (Agllias, 2013).
That the wider families that respondents described were characterised by
parental favouritism supports the substantial literature on the negative effect
that parental differential treatment can have on sibling relationships across the
life span. Whereas some described favouritism as occurring in the present,
many respondents identified their estrangement as having roots in the past,
describing their parents as having pitted them against one another or favouring
one child blatantly or covertly. Similarly, emotional, physical and sexual
abuse were common in the family systems of a number of those who were
estranged from a sibling, supporting the growing literature which indicates
that child maltreatment and sibling abuse can have a long-lasting negative
impact on the quality of sibling relationships over time.
As for the sibling relationship itself, estrangement was experienced in
different ways. For example, some respondents described estrangement from
their sibling as being painful, whereas for others, it had little or no ongoing
emotional impact; likewise, whereas some hoped for reconciliation in the
future, others did not. Relationships with siblings had different trajectories;
whereas some relationships were described as having being strong and
supportive in childhood and then weakening in adulthood, others described
their relationship with their sibling as having always been distant or negative.
Experiencing a relationship with a sibling as having been strong and
14 Journal of Family Issues 0(0)
supportive in childhood and adolescence did not therefore appear to inoculate
these relationships from later estrangement.
In the present study, estrangements from brothers were more often at-
tributed to a brother’s choice of romantic partner or spouse, whereas es-
trangements from sisters were attributed to jealousy or betrayal regarding
romantic partners. That a disliked spouse can have a negative impact on
sibling relationship has received some attention (Von Volkom, 2006) but is
certainly worthy of further study. For example, one study of married men’s
connections with their social networks found that their family relationships
operated primarily through their wives (Akiyama, Elliott, & Antonucci,
1996).
This sample comprised individuals regardless of whether they initiated
estrangement, which has been a criterion for estrangement in some qualitative
studies on estrangement between parents and adult children (e.g. Agllias,
2018;Scharp & Dorrance Hall, 2017). For the respondents in the current
study, estrangement from a sibling was described by some as fading out, with
no clear direction of intent. It is possible that an individual’s experience of
estrangement will differ according to the direction of estrangement and this
element of choice or intention is likewise worthy of future research as the field
of research on family estrangement continues to grow.
Whilst many of the respondents in this study were estranged from a sibling
due to a negative, conflictual relationship and had experienced their rela-
tionship deteriorating, a minority reported never having had a close rela-
tionship with their sibling and having always experienced their relationship
with their sibling as having been distant. This suggests that estrangement
between siblings is not necessarily or always about conflict or negativity,
which will be an important consideration for those conducting research on this
topic in the future in terms of how estrangement between siblings is both
defined and operationalised. Sibling relationships are often described as being
more egalitarian and voluntary compared to the parent–child relationship
(Cicerelli, 1995), and therefore, it is possible that estrangement between
siblings encompasses feelings of disconnection more broadly, rather than
conflict and negativity specifically. Transparency in these aspects of research
design continues to be important as the field progresses (Blake, 2017).
This study contributes to the estrangement literature more broadly in terms
of definition and operationalisation. This sample comprised individuals re-
gardless of the frequency of contact that they had with their estranged family
member, which has been a criteria in some quantitative studies of es-
trangement (e.g. Conti, 2016;Kim, 2006). In the present study, some re-
spondents had no contact and others had intermittent contact, suggesting that
those who experience estrangement and seek support are not simply those who
have not had contact with a family member for a set amount of time, but rather,
that the definition and experience of family estrangement is more complex.
Blake et al. 15
Future avenues that might be fruitful would be focusing on specific routes
to estrangement in greater detail, for example, how sibling abuse in childhood
led to the estrangement between siblings in adulthood. Future research might
also benefit from narrowing down on specific points of tension in the life
cycle, such as exploring in further depth the experiences of those who are
estranged from a sibling due to disputes over inheritance.
Limitations
The respondents in this study identified as being estranged from a family
member and had sought support; therefore, the study findings therefore cannot
necessarily be generalised to those who do not identify as estranged or have
not sought support. The respondents in the present study were also estranged
from one genetic sister or brother, so the findings cannot therefore necessarily
be generalised to step, half and adoptive siblings, or speak to those who are
estranged from two or more sisters and/or two or more brothers. In the present
study, the decision to focus on this population was driven by simplicity, given
that it is the first exploratory study of this kind. It is possible, if not likely, that
the experience of being estranged from two or more siblings differs to the
experience of being estranged from one. For example, the factors that con-
tribute to estrangement might differ for each sibling and the quality of the
relationship between siblings might also differ.
Another notable limitation of the study is that most respondents (89%)
lived in the United States, United Kingdom and Canada, and most identified as
White. Respondents might therefore be more likely to live in families were
there are certain assumptions about family relationships, for example, that a
parents’inheritance will be split equally amongst children rather than going to
a sibling of a certain gender and age, which might play a role in shaping the
relationship between siblings (Bras and Van Tilburg, 2007). More focused
studies that examine and explore family estrangement within specific cultural
contexts are therefore much needed in order for the field of family es-
trangement to be of relevance and applicability to those who do not live
within, and whose values might not be reflected within, European American
families. Also, like much existing research on family estrangement, the
sample comprised mostly women, and therefore, future studies should en-
deavour to examine and explore the estrangement experiences of men who are
experiencing estrangement from a family member.
Implications
The prevalence of child maltreatment and early adverse experiences in re-
spondent’s narratives (e.g. a parent or a sibling being addicted to alcohol,
drugs or having a mental health problem) suggests that a trauma-informed
16 Journal of Family Issues 0(0)
approach to care might be particularly helpful for those providing support to
individuals experiencing family estrangement (Oral et al., 2016).
The study findings confirm those of family research which have studied the
quality of sibling relationships in adulthood more broadly (Jensen, Nielson, &
Yorgason, 2019); specifically, they confirm that whilst it is true that two full
genetic siblings might know one another over the decades of their lives, it is
not necessarily true that these relationships will be active, significant or
supportive in people’s lives. Rather, a brother or a sister might be a source of
stress, disappointment and violence from whom disconnection and distance is
desirable or inevitable, or rather that estrangement is simply the way that
things are, rather than the way that they could be or should be.
Declaration of Conflicting Interests
Becca Bland is the CEO of the charity of Stand Alone and Lucy Blake is a trustee of the
charity
Funding
The author(s) received no financial support for the research, authorship, and/or
publication of this article.
ORCID iD
Lucy Blake https://orcid.org/0000-0002-9809-605X
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