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Divorced Parents’ New Dating Disclosures to Children: An
Important Task for a Successful Family Transition
Youngjin Kang, Ph.D., and Kwangman Ko, Ph.D., CFLE-P
February 19, 2021 / CLFE Network, Winter 2021
Parental divorce creates a unique situation in which parents have sensitive topics that they want
to discuss or need to share with their children (e.g., impending divorce plan, child support, living
arrangements). Given that information about these topics is what divorced parents own as their
personal information, when it is discussed with children, it is considered a specific type of
parent–child communication: parental disclosures. Parental disclosures are defined as “parents’
verbal messages that reveal personal, private or previously unknown information to their
children,” according to Kang and colleagues in “Attitudes Toward Parental Disclosures to
Children and Adolescents by Divorced and Married Parents”
(2017; https://doi.org/10.1111/fare.12278).
Among various topics of parental disclosures, divorced parents often share their new dating
relationships with their children. Although relatively little is known about divorced parents’
dating disclosures, researchers have found that some parents begin their new dating relationships
even before their legal divorce and many engage in a new relationship (sometimes multiple
simultaneously) shortly after they filed for a divorce, and children are introduced to parents’ new
dating partners soon. Dating disclosures are particularly important for children’s postdivorce
adjustment and their relationships with new stepfamily members.
Divorced parents’ coupling is one of the important family transitions that may help the family
move into more stable family relationships (e.g., stepfamilies through remarriage). Anderson and
Greene argue in “Transitions in Parental Repartnering After Divorce”
(2005; https://doi.org/10.1300/J087v43n03_03) that family members potentially undergo nine
transitions through this process. These include (1) dating initiation (the parent begins to date), (2)
child introduction (the child and new dating partner meet), (3) serious involvement (the parent
begins to present the relationship as “serious” to the child), (4) sleepover (the parent and partner
begin to spend nights together when the child is present), (5) cohabitation (the parent and partner
combine households), (6) break up of a serious relationship (the relationship experiences a
temporary or permanent disruption), (7) pregnancy in the new relationship (a planned or
unexpected pregnancy occurs), (8) engagement (the parent announces plans to remarry), and (9)
remarriage (the parent and partner create a legal or civil union). Although not all divorced
families undergo every step and not all transitions occur in a linear fashion, it is assumed that
divorced parents’ introduction of a new partner by disclosing their dating information is a
premise for stepfamily formation and development.
In this regard, dating disclosures are such an exciting event for divorced parents given that by
introducing a new partner to children, parents are ready to formalize their relationship and
establish a foothold for a serious and committed relationship, which possibly turns into a new
stepfamily. However, this may not always be the case for children who are still grieving a loss of
their family relationships, undergoing divorce-related stressors (e.g., living arrangements, loyalty
conflict), and are not ready to accept a new relationship. Children may feel hurt, betrayed,
resentful, sad, and angry once parents share information about new dating with them because
they may perceive a new relationship as a marker of their parents’ irrevocable and permanent
separation. Also, dating disclosures predating some early stages of stepfamily formation likely
affect children’s later relationships with new stepfamily members, particularly with the
stepparent.
With this in mind, dating disclosures should be appropriately done. Divorced parents may need
guidance from Family Life Educators. How they can better assist with parents engaging in new
dating relationships is discussed as follows:
Help divorced parents emphasize children’s feelings and their loss: Many divorced parents may
believe that they pursue the child’s best interest in the divorce process. However, research
indicates that this may not be true when parents begin sharing their new dating relationships with
children. Parents need emotional support and friendship and want to regain their self-worth by
starting a romantic relationship after divorce, which can be pursued in a rush without considering
possible consequences of dating disclosures on children. Family Life Educators may help
divorced parents assist their children to go through the grieving process in a healthy way and
take enough time for their grieving process. Family Life Educators also need to help parents
better understand and emphasize their children’s feelings.
Help divorced parents set clear communication boundaries with both children and the ex-spouse:
Dating disclosures are likely to affect not only children but also the coparenting relationship,
given that most divorced parents continue to raise their children with their coparent. Clear
communication boundaries and expectations regarding dating disclosures may reduce stress and
conflict among family members, particularly between the two coparents. Family Life Educators
can help coparents discuss their expectations of dating disclosures and set communication
boundaries with one another and their children.
Help divorced parents be strategic for disclosing: Given that dating disclosure is necessary,
particularly if a new dating partner is expected to become a stepparent later, it is still a sensitive
topic that may result in negative consequences. Divorced parents need to consider how much to
disclose, in what way the topic is discussed, and the timing of disclosing, as discussed by Kang
and Ganong in “Divorced Fathers’ Perceptions of Parental Disclosures to
Children” (2020; https://doi.org/10.1111/fare.12410). For example, many researchers suggest
that multiple transitions in family structure are stressful, being associated with negative child
outcomes, so parents do not need to necessarily share every detail of their new dating
relationship with children; introduction of a new partner to children as the beginning of another
transition in family relationships may add more stress to the family. Accordingly, Family Life
Educators may help parents think about strategies for disclosing and possible consequences
before they discuss new dating with their children.
Help divorced parents with the after-disclosure stage: Family relationships continue to develop
after parental disclosures of dating and dating disclosures may continue to affect them. For
example, after introducing a dating partner to children, children may feel okay about the person.
Then, a divorced parent may want to slowly facilitate their relationship by allowing them to
engage in various activities together so that they can create a positive bond. On the other hand, if
children are hurt due to dating disclosures, a plan to move to the next stage (e.g., cohabiting)
may be rescheduled or planned differently. Therefore, Family Life Educators can help divorced
parents continue to monitor the consequences of their dating disclosures and think about post-
disclosure family relationships.
In closing, Family Life Educators should pay attention to divorced parents’ dating disclosures to
their children as an important task that leads to stable stepfamily relationships. Given that dating
disclosures may affect children, parents, and new stepfamily relationships, Family Life
Educators can help divorced parents ensure that their disclosures of this topic are wisely done.
Specifically, they can help parents put their children’s needs first, set clear communication
boundaries regarding dating partners with both children and the ex-spouse, use appropriate
strategies for disclosing, and work on family relationships after disclosures.
Youngjin Kang, Ph.D., is an Assistant Professor at the Department of Human Services at the
University of Illinois at Springfield. ykang33@uis.edu
Kwangman Ko, Ph.D., CFLE-P, is an Assistant Professor in the Department of Counseling and
Human Services at East Tennessee State University. Kokm01@etsu.edu
https://www.ncfr.org/cfle-network/winter-2021-family-formation/divorced-parents-new-dating-
disclosures-children-important-task-successful-family-transition