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Conflict Resolution in the Home Through Family Counselling.
by
Ezeribe Scholastica N PhD
National Open University of Nigeria
Owerri Study Centre
Abstract
Of all the problems of man in life, perhaps none is as painful and traumatic as
that of domestic conflict violence in the family. It is believed that the family is
responsible for providing some of the deepest most satisfactory emotional
experiences of life. Unfortunately, most families are sick; therefore do not provide
the emotional satisfaction they are meant to provide due to persistent conflicts in
the families. The result of this is seen in the increase of vices in our society. This
paper therefore e xamines conf lict resolutions in the family through family
counselling The concepts of family and family counseling were highlighted. It also
highlighted the goals and theories of family counselling. The meaning of family
conflicts, its causes, possible effects in the home and procedures for resolving
domestic conflicts using family counselling processes were discussed. The paper
concluded with the recommendation that all those in the helping professions like
counsellors, social workers, psychotherapists, and others should adopt the tenets
of family counselling to resolve conflicts in distressed families.
Key Words: Conflict, Family, Family Counselling
Introduction
Of all the problems of man in life, perhap s non e is as painful and traumatic as that of
domestic conflict and violence in the family because the family is the basic fabric of the
society.
The word is laden with a lot of social problems such as robbery, killings, rape, prostitution,
truancy, cultism, drug abuse, alcoholism, terrorism, etc which is on the increase on daily
basis. The perpetrators of these vices are all from families. There is no one who does not
come from a family. The family is as old as man. The origin of families dates back to the
prehistoric times when our homid ancestors developed the original family. The family is the
first socializing agent that the child encounters. The family produces and socializes children,
acts as a unit of economic co-operation, gives us roles as children, husbands, wives, parents
and also provides a source of intimacy for the members of the unit. It is therefore believed
that the family is responsible for providing some of the deepest most satisfactory emotional
experi en ce s of life suc h as lov e, devotion, attachm en ts, be lo ng in es s, fun and jo y.
Unfortunately, most families are sick, they do not experience the joy, love devotion among
others that they are meant to experience in the family due to domestic conflicts. When these
conflicts are persistent in the homes, they may cause serious homeostatic imbalance that may
result into violence and social vices. Persistent conflicts in the home also result into problems
like unhappiness, separation, divorce, sickness, untimely death, delinquency, alcoholism and
drug dependency, cultism, prostitution and waywardness, half baked education, truancy and
under-achievement in school. Conflicts in the family also result in wife and husband battering
including financial bankruptcy. This in turn affects the growth and development of the
individuals and the nation as a whole.
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This paper therefore x-rays conflict resolution in the family through family counselling. It
will look at the meaning of family counselling, the goals and need for family counselling,
theories of family counselling, meaning of domestic conflict, and causes of conflict in the
family. The procedure for domestic conflicts resolution through family counselling will also
be discussed.
What is Family Counselling?
In trying to know what family counselling is, an attempt will be made to define the two major
concepts involved:- family and counselling.
Family
The word family is familiar to all Nigerians since everybody comes from a family. In its
simplest form the family can be regarded as a social unit made of the father and mother
(parents) and their children. It is a basic unit that is responsible for supporting, caring for and
preparing children for adulthood.
According to Advanced Learner's Dictionary, 'it is a group consisting of one or two parents
and their children'. Nwobi in Onomudeke & Echebe (2010) describes family as 'a big social
group, a network of persons intimately held together by a bond of social and kinship or blood
relationship'. The family that is made up of just the children and their parents is the nuclear
family. A traditional Nigerian family consists of the father, mother, their children,
grandparents, aunts, uncles, nephews, nieces and cousins. This type of structure is called the
extended family. Thus, the family is regarded as made up of all who are nearly linked by
blood, marriage or law.
Counselling
Akinade (2001) defined counseling as " a two way professional and humane interaction
between a therapist and one or more individuals who cannot resolve their own certain
everyday problems in any educational, vocational and social personal aspects of their lives".
According to Ekwe and Nwamuo (2008), counselling is a relationship in which the counsellor
and the client work co-operatively and collaboratively to find solution to problems"
Counselling therefore means a help given to an individual or group of individuals who are in
temporary distress by
a
proffessinally trained personnel in order to overcome distress. It is a
special relationship aimed at assisting people to become more fully aware of themselves and
to adjust to changes in their environment.
From the ongoing definitions, it is observed that in all counselling relationships, there must
be a counsellor, the counselee and a problem under attention. The counselling relationship
can be entered into either individually or in a group. During the relationship, the counsellor
creates a conducive atmosphere characterized by mutual trust and understanding. He not only
goes into the counselling relationship with his accumulated resources of experience and
training but also with the professional skills of listening, observation, empathy and
understanding. Some of the problems handled in counselling are in the area of indecision,
lack of concentration, failure in school, maladjustment of family or school associates, failure
to get along with teachers or superiors, hostility to authority and to regulations, lack of
friends, marital, religious and financial difficulties, difficulties with regards to sex, feeling of
inadequacy and inferiority, emotional insecurity, maladjustment which at least temporarily
are liable to make the individual unhappy or ineffective as a person. Counselling then, is for
all people and how to help them with their problems.
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Family Counselling:
Several definitions of this term exist, examples of definitions of family counselling are:
according to Pever (2009) family counselling is defined as "a process through which
members of the family are rendered assistance designed to assist members to improve their
understanding of self as well as their relationship with one another and to develop better
understanding of the conditions within which they live. Its aim is the establishment of more
satisfying ways of living for the entire family and not for a single family member."
Family counselling, is also defined according to the writer of this paper as "a type of therapy
that can help families with any of the problems they may be facing with the aim of regaining
a homeostatic balance with which all the members are comfortable". Given the above
definitions, family counselling is a typical example of counselling that takes place in groups.
Family counselling not only helps the members to understand their patterns of interaction but
also focuses on the problem prevailing in the family.
Family counselling is a new orientation to counselling which came up due to the belief that
the family in which a child is born and bred plays a vital role in determining the type of
vocational, educ ational or personal social problems he under goes in life. In family
counselling, there is an assumption that most children's educational, vocational and personal
social concerns are often mere overt symptoms of a more deep seated family or other similar
organizational dysfunction. So to control such problems, the family and its organizational set
up may also need help.
Family counselling occurs when all the family members are present though this is not always
the case. The person to be absent may even be the person causing the distress in the family
'for which they are seeking counselling.
Sometimes family counselling can be focused on the toxic relationship existing between the
members of a given subsystem within the larger family system rather than the entire family. It
is worthy to note that every family unit is made up of subsystems e.g. the husband — wife
subsystem, mother — child subsystem, brother — brother subsystem, sister — sister subsystem.
The older sibling's subsystem, the younger siblings' subsystem, the in-law subsystem and the
house-help subsystem.
Family counselling is often seen as an umbrella term covering areas like couple, marriage or
conjugal counselling, parents counselling, system counselling, divorce mediation, premarital
counseling, sibling counseling and parent-child counseling. The major orientation in family
counseling is to look beyond the person of the client to uncover the origin and the factors
escalating the problems he has presented. Going on in this way, the natural family of the
presenting clients provides the first major area to focus on for evaluation. In turning to the
family in this way, the counselor engages himself or herself in a number of questions
concerning the connection of the client's family system to the problem at hand. It should he
noted that the assumption that the entire family unit as a possible major patient in a given
case is not usually automatically made. There should be suggestions from client's initial
answers to questions put to him concerning the possible role of his family in causing or
maintaining the problems at hand. •
In family counselling therefore interviews should be started first with the designated client
and later on extend to the entire family unit depending on the response gained from the
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interview. In family counselling, the counsellor endeavours to assist the members to eliminate
the toxins in their interpersonal dealings with each other in the family and help them add
something more constructive and growth promoting to the relationship in the family unit.
kis worthy to note that some problems are encountered during family counselling like
The problem of lack of verbal fluency on the part of one or more members of the
target family.
Presence of the wide age-range among the members of the family.
Fear, anxiety or deference which prevents one or more members from making
adequate contributions to the discussion at hand
The nature of the problem itself which may be too embarrassing for members to talk about
freely.
Significant remarks by different members may go noticed or even be suppressed by more
valuable members of the family.
In family counselling, there is no one way of how to do family counselling. Available
evidence shows that there exist a number of established theoretical models and frameworks
for understanding the course of family pathology and setting the issue of how to do family
counselling. A beginning family counsellor needs to closely study these theories before he
can hope to successfully take a decision regarding which model constitutes a more promising
guide to his or her counselling efforts when working with a troubled family. Some of the
major theories are the psychodynamic family theory, structural family therapy, the conjoint
family therapy and behavioural family therapy.
THEORIES OF FAMILY
COUNSELLING
Psychodynamic Therapy: This is that approach to family counseling adopted by those
family therapists who were originally trained in the Freudian psychoanalytic framework like
Alder, Carl Jung, Klein, etc. the central concern of this approach is to explore the relationship
existing between the reported family disorder and the intrapsychic and interpersonal conflict
of members viewed from the background of their past. The basic belief is that emotional
problems in families are usually contagious, so that when one member is in trouble, the
others are equally affected. This approach also believes that family problems can arise from
either the interpersonal and or intrapsychic conflicts of members. The major goal of family
therapy is to assist the family members to achieve insight into the origin and nature of their
complaint and then to help them to develop strategies aimed at helping them to eliminate the
toxin in their intrapsychic experiences and interpersonal relationships.
Structural Family Therapy
The family is viewed as a multi-bodied organism (Minuchin 1983). Just as the body is
composed of different parts so is the family. It follows that when one member of the family is
sick, or symptomatic, other members are affected. The sickness or symptom is that of the
whole family and not the identified symptom bearer .This model believes that to change
individuals, the system in which they operate must be first changed. This family counseling
model states that man is a part of his circumstances and that a child responds to stress
affecting the family. It believes that the individual who lives within a family is said to be a
member of a social system to which he must adapt. His actions are governed by the
characteristics o that system and such characteristics include that effect of his own past
actions.
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Conjoint Family Therapy
This model which was developed by Dr. Virginia Satir who believes that dysfunctional
families can arise from any or combination of any of the following circumstances.
1. Lo w self-esteem and immatu re mate selection
2. marital disappointments and self-centered parenting
3. Immature methods of negotiating personal difference and disagreements
4. Influence of wrong models from members past
5. Facu l ty co m munic a tion
Some of the goals of therapy according to this model among others are:
To help arise family member's self-esteem or confidence during therapy
To help members to grow-up and throw away the wrong models they have picked from
the past.
To educate members on better ways of communicating with each other
To teach better ways of asserting themselves, their identity, what they believe, how
they see things and what they like and dislike
To help members to learn how to provide feedback to one another regarding their
opinion on what is happening with them.
Under this therapy model, the counselor is not only expected to be able to listen, observe and
to gather the necessary information he might need in handling the problem situation of a
given family unit, he is also expected to be a mature participant, observer, a fair judge of
persons, a good teacher and the most crucial of all-a model of effective communication.
Behavioural Family Therapy
This model takes its major base of actions from the perspective of learning theory framework
which emphasizes that all human behaviours are learned and therefore could be unlearned
(Pavlov, Skinner, Thorndike, Bandura etc). Behavioural family therapy refers to that
approach to where the operant, instrumental/social principles of learning as well as the
constructs and principles of social exchange theories are focused on in interpreting what has
gone wrong in a given pathological family and in identifying the aspect of the interpersonal
relationship of the family where change is required to restore the family to proper health.
In this brand of family therapy the principle of behaviour quid pro quo is emphasized,
whereby, if reward or being treated in a positive way by the other is actually expected, then
one needs first to treat the other with respect, warmth and regard since reward has first to be
mediated in order for the other to find conducive environment under which to behave in the
positive, expected way. Thus with behavioural family therapy, positive rather than reciprocity
is the equation that is placed in view for the members attention.
Goals and needs for family Counselling
The following are considered to be the goals or needs for family counseling:
To ac hieve effective communicatio n,
To achieve conflict resolution,
To enhance adequate character formation
To achieve positive re-orientation in the family.
It also helps to promote better relationships and understanding within the family.
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Family counseling is also aimed at
ohelping the distressed family members to learn adaptive behaviours while giving up the
maladaptive ones.
oIt helps the family members to appreciate the importance and effects of parental
relationship within the family.
oIt also helps the family members to understand that when one member has a problem, it
directly or indirectly affects the other members.
When these goals and objectives of family counselling are achieved, the individual turns out
to be a better person who can function effectively in other settings other than the family.
What is Conflict?
According to the dictionary of psychology, conflict is the "existence of competing and
incompatible or opposing desires, needs, goals, objectives, demands and opportunities at the
same time-antagonistic interaction in which one party attempts to thwart the intentions or
goals of another". Conflict is also seen as a mental struggle - a psychological state resulting
from the often unconscious opposition between simultaneous but incompatible desires, needs,
drives or impulses.
According to Freud, conflicts arises from a person's conscious mind when one set of belief
im pacts adv ers ely on anot her area of belie f causi ng emotio nal suffe ring felt as
disappointment , anger or frustration.
Conflicts involve a serious disagreement of argument or opinions and principles. Conflicts in
the home/family or domestic conflict is misunderstanding or disagreements that naturally
occur in home among family members during the normal course of their interactions. These
misunderstandings occur because of inherent differences among people. Family harmony
provides a sense of belonging and a feeling of security unlike many other relationships. When
conflict arises, it threatens that security whether this disharmony initiates from within the
family unit or from external forces.
Domestic or family conflict is a problem that occurs all over the world irrespective of status,
religion, gender, culture or race. These may be conflict of ideas, actions and even beliefs.
Such conflict is an inevitable part of all human relationships but needs not lead to abuse or
violence. Unfortunately, conflicts in our homes today degenerate into violence and constitute
a social and emotional malaise in the society. According to Gyuse and Gyuse (2003), if
family members are committed to being transparent with each other, conflicts can be resolved
well before they degenerate into violence.
Individual family members and the family as a whole can experience a range of negative
emotions and consequences. Unresolved conflict may irreparably damage a marriage and the
entire family members if they do not seek help. The aim of family counselling therefore is to
work with and among the family members to resolve conflicts so as to achieve peace, love,
understanding, tolerance and stability in our homes.
Causes or Sources of Conflicts in the Family
The underlying causes of family conflicts are unique to each family but generally the under
listed are the major causes of family conflict.
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Finances and Job: This is a major source of family conflict. Specifically, the lack of enough
money to pay bills, buy sufficient food and other necessities and have any remaining money
for any eventuality. Similarly disagreement may spring from determining which bills to pay,
how much to pay for certain things or how to invest the money i.e. financial mismanagement.
A job or career may contribute to conflict in the family. If a parent's job keeps him/her away
from home most of the times, the spouse at home with the children often feels neglected or
overwhelmed. If both parents work, the children may suffer from lack of parental bounding
and involvement. Unemployment in the home comes with its own stress and conflict because
of its financial implications.
Sibling Rivalry
Children typically seek their parent's attention and approval even if this requires stepping on
other sibling toes. Whether children express jealously or her sibling competes with him non-
stop, it is destined to cause conflict. Each child deserves an equal amount of parental love and
acceptance yet sometimes a parent may favour one child over another. This merely intensifies
the conflict.
Child Discipline and Parent-Child Rivalry
While mutual agreement on the child discipline is crucial, the lack of consensus opens up
another potential area for family conflict. If one parent acts as the 'disciplinarian', the other
typically becomes the 'consoler' to whom the children turn. This often puts one parent
against the other. It normally degenerates into 'daddy said versus mummy said' type of
situation. Similarly, the case of disciplining teenagers, a parent versus teen's scenario
frequently erupts when teens disagree-often vehemently with the rules that parents set in
place. A battle of the wills ensues setting up a parent-child rivalry. A dangerous variation of
this conflict occurs if either or both parents become abusive towards the children under the
guise of discipline. Likewise as teens become bigger, stronger and more confrontational, they
may abuse parents or younger siblings. Alcohol or drug use by either parents or teens
exacerbates this type of conflict.
In-laws and Extended Family:
If relatives routinely interfere in your family's decision and lifestyle, conflict usually results.
Though it is preferable to respect elders, parents and grandparents on the both sides equally-
this can prove challenging.
Other causes or sources of conflict in the family are: learning to live as new couples,
incompatibility, lack of trust, change in the values, opinions and needs of parents or children,
lack of family planning, house help problem, infertility, infidelity, who makes decisions,
insensitively, nagging, neglect, sexual problems, unexpected or persistent sickness,
waywardness of children, lack of love and understanding, lack of adequate communication,
failure of the children in school, laziness, mono-sexed children in the family, religion,
disability in children, over busy schedule, and presence of an elderly who needs constant care
and attention.
Procedures for Conflict Resolution Using Family Counselling.
The following procedures or steps are followed in family counselling: firstly, the counsellor
determines the structure of the counselling he wants to undertake. The structure of family
counselling is open to four possibilities which are as follows,
Seeing one parent alone, most often the mother
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Seeing the child alone as a beginning course of treatment
vSeeing both parents alone
vSeeing the entire family group.
This model is usually recommended where dysfunctional family situation is the basis for the
presenting problem of the client.
Which of these options to be adopted usually depends on the situation at hand, the intuition
of the counsellor and the convictions influencing his practice.
The second thing the counsellor should do after determining the structure of the counselling
is to consider the setting of the family counselling. The setting for family counseling is
usually large and varied. The usual practice however is for the counsellor to begin his initial
work or diagnosis with seeing the designated client in his professional office. Although
interventions can be started off within the counsellor office situation, where for instance the
diagnosis reveals that no change can be achieved in the problem of the client unless the
counsellor establishes contact with the members of the client's family, the counselor must
have to move out of his office to meet with those individuals significant in the client's life
and who are known to have some strong hand in maintaining or amplifying the present
stresses and crisis the client is now facing. Most authorities assume that the problem of the
client is a result of dysfunction in his natural family, the counsellor needs to pay visits to that
family to see things for himself and have a full perspective regarding the situation of things in
that family in order to be able to determine the type of changes that the situation really calls
for to favor the personal life of the client.
The next step having determined both the structure and setting for the counselling is to enter
into the counselling proper. The counselor takes off by conducting an initial interview with
one member if the family who is identified as the client. Though the entire family may
occasionally agree to become a client en bloc, but usually it is only one member of the family
or at times the married pair may be the individuals to make the client approach.
During the initial diagnostic interview, the first thing to do is to explore the nuclear incident
in the behavioral analysis of the present situation. The term 'nuclear incident' applies to any
event in client's life which has had significant influence upon the development of his
behavioral patterns. Through the guide of the nuclear incidents in the client's life, clues or
explanations to the whole problem disturbing the client can be arrived at.
After this, the counsellor works the behavioral analysis of the client's situation. Working out
the behavioral analysis of the client's present situation consists according to Lickorish in
Ezeribe (2009) "of c ataloguing the client's action within one or more specific areas of
activity such as can take place in a home, school and in work or leisure place". In working
out such a behavioral analysis, both the acceptable and unacceptable behaviors of the clients
are recorded. This is so because t he analy si s will be able to indicate immediat el y the
behaviors to be extinguished, the behaviors to be encouraged, the resources which the client
possessed as well as the means which the counsellor proposes for modifying each item of the
unacceptable behavior. After the analysis, a pattern in the client's life within the family,
school and such other significant places in his life space can be discovered. Such a pattern
gives the counsellor a good handle from which to picture the source of the client's ideas and
attitudes, especially as regards a clue to the origins of some of the convictions that promote
the present behavior of the cli ent. Having explored the nuclear inci dents and done the
behav io ral analysis, the counsellor adopts t he knowledg e of the two and then adopts a
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strategy or approach which he will use in counselling the family. Whichever approach the
counsellor adopts, there are things which he/she must emphasize during counselling. They
are- effective communication, being considerate in dealing with one another, taking
responsibility for one another, encouragement of positive values, respect for individual rights
including the right of the child, involvement of the child in decision making, love and care for
one another, honesty and trust in one another, adopting dialogue instead of fighting,
victimizing, backbiting etc during conflicts. In most counselling sections, the counsellor
encourages family members to air their feelings, frustrations and hostilities. He/she also tries
to avoid assigning blame to any particular family member instead he makes suggestions
about how family members might adjust their roles and prevent future conflict.
Recommendations
There are too many conflicts in the present day families, it is therefore recommended that:
Families with one form of conflict or the other should seek for the assistance of a
professional counsellor.
Professional counsellors should extend their family counselling services to these
families in order to help them develop appropriate communication and relationship
skills including positive character formation so as to eschew conflicts and eventual
violence in the families.
Al l thos e i n the hel pin g p rofe ssi on lik e C oun sell ors , Socia l Work ers,
Psychotherapists etc, should adopt the tenets of family counseling in resolving
conflicts in the distressed families.
Summary and Conclusion
This paper examined the concept of family counselling which is identified as that "a type of
therapy that can help families with any of the problems they may be facing with the aim of
regaining a homeostatic balance with which all the members of the family are comfortable.
The meaning of conflicts, its causes and the procedures for resolving domestic conflicts using
family counselling process were discussed. Some recommendations were also made.
Having gone through this paper, one can rightly conclude that the importance of family
counselling in conflict resolution in the home/family cannot be over emphasized in that the
restoration of homeostatic balance and well being to a hitherto distressed family greatly
depends on family counselling. When there is peace and tranquility in the homes, there will
also be peace in the nation and a conducive atmosphere for national development.
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