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The present study is focused on the factors leading to a happily married life. The sample included a married woman drawn from convenient sampling. Semi-structured interview was conducted to investigate her experience of being happily married and what factors she thinks are important to be happily married. Interpretative Phenomenological Analysis (IPA) was applied as a research method. Sixteen categories emerged after coding the data were Similarities of Religious
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Happy Marriage: A Qualitative study
Maria Fatima and M. Asir Ajmal
Government College University, Lahore
The present study is focused on the factors leading to a happily married life. The sample included a married
woman drawn from convenient sampling. Semi-structured interview was conducted to investigate her
experience of being happily married and what factors she thinks are important to be happily married.
Interpretative Phenomenological Analysis (IPA) was applied as a research method. Sixteen categories emerged
after coding the data were Similarities of Religious Sects, Satisfaction, Compromise, Love, Care, Trust and
Understanding, Communication, Age Differences, Sincerity and Respect, Sharing, Forgiveness, Spouse
Temperament, Strength through Children, Family Structure, Education and Status, and Positive In-Laws
Relations. This study has important implications for married couples and counselors.
Keywords: happiness, marriage, interpretative phenomenological analysis, categories
It is said that marriages are made in heaven and celebrated on the
earth. This popular belief is true to great extent because it is a
special bond shared between two souls, who are tied in the wedding
knot for the rest of their lives (Dev, 2010).
Marriage is defined as the civil status of one man and one woman
united in law for life, for the discharge to each other, and the
community of the duties legally incumbent on those whose
association is founded on the distinction of sex (Black's Law
Dictionary, 1891). It is also defined as a social agreement between
two individuals that unites their lives legally, economically, and
emotionally (Sheri & Stritof, n. d).
Marriage is the social institution under which a man and a
woman establish their decision to live as husband and wife by legal
commitments and religious ceremonies. It is a legal contract
between two people that enables them to reproduce. It is an
institution in which interpersonal relationships, usually intimate and
sexual are acknowledged by a variety of ways depending on the
culture or demographics. People marry for a variety of reasons, for
example legal, social, emotional, economic, spiritual, religious or
simply to extend their family and to have children. Marriage may be
arranged to fulfill family obligations for legal establishment of a
nuclear family unit, for legal protection of children or to be with
one’s loved one (Marriage, n. d). Marriage has many important
functions in a society; it prevents people from going towards
adultery, to have children, and to have an intimate partner for
sharing and comfort.
The ceremony that marks the beginning of marriage is called
wedding. Wedding is celebrated differently in different cultures
depending upon their customs and traditions. There are many
factors that contribute to successful marriage. Some of these are
love, understanding, respect, commitment, sharing, care, education,
economic status, temperament, family structure, trust,
communication, age difference, sectarian difference, forgiveness
and satisfaction. Good and co-operative in-laws and a supportive
partner also contribute to a happy married life.
Maria Fatima and Dr. M. Asir Ajmal, Government College University,
Lahore.
Correspondence concerning this article should be addressed to Maria
Fatima, Government College University, Lahore.
Email: deepdesires_26@hotmail.com
Many couples are able to find all the key ingredients in their
marital relationships and are happy and satisfied with their married
life. Others lack some elements in their bond which gives rise to
consequences that are not always desired, e.g., depression in
married women has found to be associated with younger age, lack
of autonomy in marriage decisions, marital rape, and domestic
abuse by in-laws (Ali, Israr, Ali, & Janjua, 2009).
One of the visible reasons why married couples find marriage as
a threatening bond is that they face a number of problems while
being in a relationship and also they are not capable enough to
overcome or solve these problems. Lack of trust, mutual respect,
communication, love, and understanding contribute to the
deterioration of the bond. That is why couples face adverse
consequences like divorce. A research showed that marital status
especially divorce has a strong effect on mortality because of
suicide among men only (Kposowa, 1999).
Religion and religious practices may also contribute to happy
marriage. A study revealed husbands and wives to differ in their
patterns of satisfaction. Husbands satisfaction was found to be more
closely linked to ritual meanings and wives satisfaction was found
to be associated with routine practices (Barbara & Thomas, 2001).
Kieran (2001) concluded that religiosity also had an impact on
attitude towards divorce, commitment, and help seeking behaviour
among newly wedded couples. It also had a positive impact on
marital satisfaction for couples with less neurotic husbands and a
negative impact for couples with more neurotic husbands. Overall,
the impact of religiosity was weak over the first four years of
marriage.
Children are also an important ingredient of happy marriage.
Couples who cannot have their own children mostly remain
dissatisfied with their marital life and mostly such marriages end up
in divorce or husband’s second marriage. Both these situations
contribute to further distress and dissatisfaction in life. Diagnosis of
infertility is an important factor in assessing distress, and marital
and sexual dissatisfaction between husbands and wives (Lee, Sun, &
Chao, 2001).
The current study uses a qualitative approach using interpretative
phenomenological analysis to investigate the experience of being
happily married. It focuses on the factors that are considered most
important for a happy and satisfied marital relationship and absence
of which can cause serious problems and can lead to adverse
consequences.
Pakistan Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology
2012, Vol. 10, No. 1, 37-42
37
Method
Sample
The sample consisted of a woman of 25 years who had an
arranged marriage and considered herself happily married. Semi-
structured interview was done with her to explore the factors she
considered important for a happy and successful marriage.
Instrument
Semi-structured interview. It was used as an information-
gathering tool to investigate about the factors that are considered
important for a happy marriage.
Procedure
Important interview questions were formulated and interview was
taken with the participant’s consent. Her answers were recorded and
the interview was later transcribed.
Data analysis
Interpretive Phenomenological Analysis (IPA) was applied as a
research method to interpret the participant’s experience of happy
marriage and the factors contributing to it. Coding of the interview
was done and categories were made. The sixteen categories
emerged are given in Figure 1.
Figure 1.Categories emerged from IPA of happy married life
HAPPY
MARRIAGE
Positive
In-laws
Relations Strength
through
Children
Compromise
Education and
Status
Similarites of
Religious Sect
Forgiveness
Care
Sharing
Love
Sincerity
and
Respect
Age
Difference
Communication
Satisfaction
Trust and
Understanding
Family Structure
Spouse
Temprament
FATIMA AND AJMAL 38
Discussion
The study was done to see the elements contributing to a happy
married life. Semi-structured interview was conducted from a
woman of 25 years who was satisfied with her marriage. Sixteen
categories emerged from IPA seemed to be very important for
keeping a lasting happy marriage in the opinion and perception of
the interviewee. These categories were Similarities of Religious
Sect, Satisfaction, Compromise, Love, Care, Trust and
Understanding, Communication, Age Difference, Sincerity and
Respect, Sharing, Forgiveness, Spouse Temperament, Strength
through Children, Family Structure, Education and Status, and
Positive in-laws Relations.
Religious sect plays an important role in happy marriage. If the
belief systems of two people are totally different, there would be
conflicts between them. As the interviewee stated,
“Sectarian difference proves to be a hurdle in all kinds of steps of a
happy marriage. It is because you do not have to compromise with
the habits and personality but with the whole set of beliefs of the
person which is sometimes difficult and often impossible. Also
children of such parents remain confused throughout life.
Clash of beliefs have negative influence on children. These
confusions and misunderstandings may also lead to serious clashes
between the whole families and even separation or divorce between
the couple. A study showed the risk of divorce to be elevated if
husbands were more religious and wives were more conservative.
Risk of divorce was found to be lower if both partners belonged to
the same sect showing how similar sects impact the duration of
marriage and how it keeps the relationship intact (Vaaler, Ellison, &
Powers, 2009). Curtis and Ellison (2002) have concluded that
husbands religiosity is inversely related to the frequency of disputes
and disagreements over housework, money, and how time is spent.
Sectarian dissimilarities among partners were also positively
associated with the frequency of conflicts.
Satisfaction is also one of the most important factors that
contribute to life in general and a happy married life in particular.
The interviewee stated,
“Happiness and satisfaction go side by side. Satisfaction level
determines your level of happiness and a satisfied life is a happy
life.
If one of the spouse, either husband or wife, is not satisfied than
he/she would not be able to be happy and enjoy life. A dissatisfied
person always remains restless and jealous of other people. He is
always trying to get more and more and is never thankful for
whatever he has in his life. Health also contributes to marital
satisfaction. It was found that in satisfied marriages, wives and
husbands health was equivalent whereas in dissatisfied marriages,
wives reported more mental and physical health problems than their
husbands (Levenson, Carstensen, & Gottman, 1993). Unsatisfied
spouse may have an extra-marital affair and may face very serious
consequences like divorce so, marital satisfaction can lead to
happiness and contentment which can result in being happily
married.
Compromise plays a vital role in a prosperous married life. The
interviewee said,
“Compromise, in my opinion, is very important as it helps to bear
with each other’s weaknesses, change of routine, and habits. I think,
the one who compromises the most is happier.
Spouses may have different views, ideas, and needs.
Compromising with these differences makes life easier for both
partners. Spouses who respect each other’s differences and do not
force each other to change an undesirable aspect of their personality
and resort to compromise lead a better life. Changing oneself
according to spouse’s will can be frustrating which could give rise
to conflicts.
Love has undeniable importance in a marital relationship because
when two people are deeply in love with each other it is easy for
them to compromise with each others weaknesses and to forgive
each other’s mistakes. As interviewee stated,
“When we love someone we cannot hurt and reject his/her wishes
and demands and remain happy in whatever condition he/she keeps
us.
People in love seldom hurt each other. If two married people are
in love they would strive hard to keep their relationship smooth and
healthy. They would take care of each other whole-heartedly and
would work together to sought out their problems. Bachand and
Caron (2001) concluded that the most commonly mentioned factors
for a long happy marriage are friendship, love, and similar
backgrounds or interests.
Care is a healthy expression of love. The interviewee reported,
“Care is a way of showing love to your partner. Serving him food,
being dressed according to his choice, taking care of his likes and
dislikes and giving importance to his desires shows that you care
for him and love him and in turn he is even more caring and loving
for you.
If two people love each other but don’t express it verbally or
through their gestures, it is very likely that misunderstandings
would sprout up between them. Calling your spouse at work to
check if they are okay, cooking food they like, attending them when
they are sick, and other small gestures have a very positive effect on
marital relationship.
We see in normal life that any relationship demands
understanding between people. A good friendship is based on
understanding between friends; a healthy parent-child relationship
must involve understanding and so does a healthy sibling’s relation.
Similarly, to develop an understanding with one’s spouse is very
important in a marital relation. As the interviewee stated,
“I think good understanding lay the foundation of a happy
marriage. Only by understanding your partner’s moods, wishes,
preferences, and expectations you can modify yourself accordingly
and this makes a happy marriage.
Understanding spouse needs, what his/her expectations are, and
how capable he/she is of fulfilling your expectations helps the
relationship to grow. Understanding the persons strengths and
weaknesses, his aspirations and apprehensions and his fears and
hopes, makes it easier to live with that person and thus to have a
smooth relationship with him. A research indicated that for wives
the understanding of their husbands was the strongest predictor of
their marriage (Acitelli, Douvan, & Veroff, 1993).
Trust is another important ingredient of happy marriage. The int-
erviewee stated,
“Trust is one of the foundations of happy marriage and if the
foundation is not good then the relationship won’t last long. It is
really hard to live with the person who doesn’t trust you because
he/she makes your life like hell. So, partners should learn to trust
each other.
Trusting your partner’s loyalty allows both spouses to be in
peace. When you trust your partner you give him/her a certain
degree of independence which proves healthy in any relationship. A
distrustful partner can easily make his/her and his/her own partner’s
life miserable with his suspicions and doubts. It is also important
that spouses trust each other’s wisdom and the ability to make
HAPPY MARRIAGE 39
decisions. Trusting your partner to do what is best for you and
believing that he would not cause you any harm has a favorable
effect on a relationship.
Effective communication is a key to a healthy relationship. The
interviewee stated,
“I believe that communication is helpful in solving many
problems and prevents many problems to arise. If you communicate
properly than your spouse would know better about you and
effective communication makes your relationship stronger leaving
little or no space for misunderstandings.
If two people fail to communicate their feelings, desires,
problems, and expectations their relationship may be adversely
affected. Most people expect their life partners to understand them
but they rarely communicate their problems to them, and when their
spouses fail to understand they feel frustrated and angry and direct
this aggression and frustration towards them. Talking to each other
about the problems in the relationship may solve many of these
problems. Communication also makes the relationship strong by
decreasing the possibility of anyone else creating
misunderstandings.
Age difference may affect a relationship though it could not be
conclusively said whether it affects favorably or unfavorably as it
varies among people. In our culture, it is commonly thought that
problem usually arises when an older woman marries a younger
man; however lesser problems are associated with an older man
marrying a younger woman. Age difference between spouses in the
latter case is perceived favorable as in our society men are
responsible for the living and well-being of their family and a
mature man can handle these responsibilities effectively. However,
some people think that spouses should have less age differences so
that they can develop a better understanding of each other. Large
differences in age results in differences in mental level and
preferences for spouses which may create problems for them. Age
differences may also cause conflicts and misunderstandings.
Another view favoring age difference is that spouse with less age
difference may try to compete with each other. As the interviewee
stated,
“Very less and very large age difference is a hindrance in a happy
marriage as it gives rise to many conflicts and misunderstandings.
Sincerity and respect are vital for a healthy marital relationship.
Two people cannot live happily with each other unless they are
sincere to one another. The interviewee stated,
“I have a simple formula no lies and no fights.
Sincerity ensures that whatever you are doing for your spouse you
are doing it whole-heartedly and without any sort of pressure from
family or society. Spouses who are sincere with each other always
think what is best for their partners and they support each other
through any adverse circumstances. Respecting your partner is also
very important. To value and respect your partner in front of family
and society strengthens a relationship. As the interviewee reported,
I think if you do not respect your partner people will also stop
respecting him and you as well and they usually make fun of such
people. Couples who are disrespectful to each other face many
problems and if they do not correct themselves serious problems
may arise.
Sharing your personal belongings with somebody else shows
your trust in that person and your level of commitment. Absence of
sharing may result in selfishness on part of one partner or both. This
can cause immense problems in a relationship. Moreover, sharing
one’s problems and worries with one’s spouse help build trust.
Sharing each other’s views and interests is also very beneficial. As
interviewee stated,
“Sharing with your spouse makes your relationship stronger,
trustful, unbreakable, and brings partners closer to each other.
Happy marital relationships also requires partners to forgive each
other’s mistakes. Forgiving someone shows that you love and care
for that person even if he/she makes a mistake. It shows the
acceptance of flaws the other person has. The interviewee stated,
“Happy marriage is based on forgiving each other. By forgiving
you feel relaxed and lighter. Your spouse is your better half and if
you cannot forgive your better half how could you be in peace. So
for happy life one has to be forgiving.
If spouses hold blunders made by their life partners against them
and keep grudges in their heart then it would cause problems for the
couple. A study has shown forgiveness to be important in emotional
well-being, physical health, and good marital relationships
(Fincham, Hall, & Beach, 2006).
Spouse temperament is another factor that plays an important part
in marital relationships. The interviewee reported,
I think at least one of the spouse should be good tempered because
if both partners keep on loosing temper on small things their
married life would be unpleasant. One should learn to ignore
other’s mistakes in order to keep peace and harmony in life.
If both spouses are aggressive and short tempered, more fights
are likely to happen and the effect on the relationship would be
unpleasant. At least one of the partners should have a calm
demeanor so that during a fight he could prevent anything rash from
happening. A study showed that participants with more pleasant
temperaments and those who had mates with more pleasant
temperaments were happier in their marriages. However, unpleasant
wives were highly dissatisfied with their marriage (Blum &
Mehrabian, 1999).
In our culture women usually feel stronger in their marital
relationships after they become mothers. It is very difficult for a
man to divorce a woman who is mother of his children. After kids
are born, women think that their relation with their husbands has
strengthened as they feel protected by the fact that now the man is
bounded by two relationships one that of a husband and the other of
a father. Thus, children also play an important role in strengthening
their parents relationship. As the interviewee stated,
“Children strengthen relationship between spouses. A mother feels
stronger and more secure with her children.
Effects of family structure on a couple vary. Generally for
couples who are mature and have self-sufficient nuclear system
works just fine however, for immature young people who are more
prone to fighting and who lack understanding of how to resolve
their relationship issues, joint family system may be favorable. In a
joint family system, families share each other’s problems and
burdens. The elders in a joint family system can intervene when
necessary in a fight between the couple to avoid harsh
consequences. However, many people see this intervention as an
unwelcome interference and thus this may lead to further problems.
The interviewee stated,
“In-laws play a vital role. They help in adjustment and
understanding of the spouse but if they are not good, divorce is
more likely the outcome”.
Education and status is important in a relationship though it is not
guaranteed that education will give you morality and sense of
dealing with others. In our society, there are many examples where
educated people are seen to treat their spouses in a very unpleasant
way. Still educated people are generally more cultured and groomed
than uneducated people; this is why most people while looking for a
FATIMA AND AJMAL 40
spouse, set education as a standard. Another thing is that good
education ensures a good job and thus better living conditions. As
far as status is concerned, it cannot be denied that good living
conditions may help a relationship grow. Financial crisis or scarcity
of resources usually cause stress among people and relationship
between them is likely to be effected negatively. However, couples
that are content with their status are more likely to have a
prosperous relationship even if they have a low socio-economic
situation. To find happiness compromising with your situation is
necessary. In the start when relationship is fragile, the status of a
person may play a role in strengthening it but with the passage of
time as the relation strengthens and the partners begin to understand
and care for each other, their relationship may survive economic
crisis. However, education may play a part throughout life as
educated people are generally more groomed and less likely to fight
regarding silly things but this is also a fact that better education of a
person does not necessarily give him a sense of morality. As the
interviewee said,
“Although education grooms personality and makes a person
sensible but it cannot be said for sure that higher education ensures
happy marital relationships as educated people are also divorced
or separated. Same is true for social status. It all depends on how
the person compromises and tries to find happiness in whatever
sources he/she has.
It is commonly said that marriage does not result only in
formation of a relationship between two people rather it’s a bond
between two families. Spouses should respect each other’s families.
In our culture, in-laws of a woman play a vital role in the mutual
relationship of husband and wife as a wife has to live not only with
her husband but also with his family. If in-laws are mean and
unkind they can cause several problems. This would ultimately
result in adverse effects on husband-wife relationship. But if in-laws
are caring and understanding they can contribute in flourishing the
relationship. When two people enter a new relationship they do not
understand each other much, at this time in-laws can provide help to
both of them to understand one another and thus can play an active
part in making their relationship strong or weak by creating
misunderstandings in case of non-supporting in-laws.
When a relationship is in its beginning phase, few aspects are
more important than the others. Firstly, family structure plays an
important part in the beginning of a relationship. When a girl comes
to live in a new family set up she has to adjust to many things. The
role of in-laws is also essential in giving a comfortable home
environment to the girl. Showing sincerity and respect for your life
partner also helps a marital relation to prosper as it helps in gaining
trust. Spouse temperament may affect the relationship in the
beginning as it may hinder or facilitate the healthy growth of a
relationship. With the passage of time people get used to each
other’s temperaments and develop an understanding of how to
tackle moods of one another. In the beginning of a relationship
woman usually feels insecure and seeks a sense of security through
her children but gradually as the relationship progresses the relation
between spouses becomes strong. Compromise is also important in
the beginning. This gives relationship a chance to grow. If the
couple starts fighting over their differences in the very beginning,
the relationship may come to an end. With the passage of time,
partners accept each other’s differences and compromise operates
on automatic mode. Importance of education and status is also
undeniable because people usually prefer to marry an educated
person or a person of higher socio-economic status.
Some aspects prove themselves to be important for a relationship
in the long run. Most important of these aspects are trust and
understanding. When a couple gains each other’s trust and develops
a high level of understanding their relationship is generally full of
happiness. Age difference also affects the relationship in the long
run as it becomes more pronounced with the passage of time. This
results in the creation of new differences in a settled relationship. At
this point the reaction of spouses towards these differences
determines the course of relationship. Satisfaction of people with
their marital relationship is also effective in the long run. People
usually spend the first phase of their relationship trying to
understand each other and to get adjusted, it is only later that they
begin to question how satisfied they are with their marriage.
Dissatisfaction may result in extramarital affairs that have
catastrophic effects. Love and care also strengthen a relationship
over time. Effect of communication also becomes visible over a
period of time, good communication between partners may result in
a strong relationship, however its absence may create many
misunderstandings that would grow with the passage of time and
may cause disastrous effects. Inter-sect marriages usually happen as
a result of prior understanding and feelings of love between two
people. These people are in love so in the beginning of their
marriage the differences in their sects hardly matter but as the time
passes these sectarian differences begin to affect their relationship.
Problems may arise regarding whose sect the children would
follow. Sharing and forgiveness also makes a marital relationship
happy and long lasting.
Conclusion
The study was done to see the elements necessary for a happy
married life. From the interview conducted it is clear that there are
several factors important for a happier and lasting marriage, e.g.,
similarities of religious sects, satisfaction, compromise, love, care,
trust and understanding, communication, forgiveness, relation with
in-laws and family structure. Although all the above mentioned
factors are necessary for a happy marital life and their absence can
cause serious problems but how a person rates these factors and
how much importance he/she gives to each of them varies from
person to person depending upon the culture the person belongs to.
For example, in most of the Eastern countries good relations with
in-laws is considered very important in a happy married life but in
Western countries these factors are not considered that important.
So, the importance of these factors varies from individual to
individual and also from culture to culture.
Limitations and Suggestions
The sample size of the study is very small as these are the views
of only one participant, therefore results are not generalizable. A
study with a large sample size can be done and cultural differences
can also be taken into account to study how the experience of happy
marriage varies from culture to culture.
Implications
The study has wide implications for married people, as they
could rate the factors they consider important for their happy
marriage and could struggle to bring them in their life to have a
satisfactory and happy married life. The study is also beneficial for
HAPPY MARRIAGE 41
marriage counselors.
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Received October 10, 2011
Revision received February 3, 2012
Accepted March 9, 2012
FATIMA AND AJMAL 42
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... Adapting to religious differences requires key elements such as compromise, respect, and communication, echoing previous research (Fatima & Ajmal, 2012). Acceptance of each other's beliefs and practices besides mutual respect and understanding, leads to successful interfaith marriage (Harjanto et al., 2023). ...
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... A qualitative study on married women in Pakistan remarked 16 categories as associated factors with happy marriage. These factors included similarities in religiosity, satisfaction, compromise, love, care, trust and understanding, communication, age differences, sincerity, respect, sharing, forgiveness, spouse temperament, strength through children, family structure, education and status, and positive in-laws' relations (32). A study on MS in women in Jordan revealed that their satisfaction was at the medium level, and it was related to the level of their education and family income (in contrast to the present study); however, it was not related to the years of marriage, number of children, and job status of women (in line with the present study) (33). ...
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