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Raising Emotionally Healthy and Resilient Children: Consciously Connecting with Kids

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Abstract

Parents are feeling more challenged in raising kids today than in years past. The challenge is in coping with difficultbehavior. Statistics show that an increasing number of children are being diagnosed with and treated for behavioralor emotional issues. Behavior is a manifestation of something deeper going on in the child. By tapping into this deepercore of the child and seeing their inner spirit, their true nature, then one can better understand where the behavioris coming from. The Chinese medicine 5-element model is a useful tool in identifying a child’s inner nature. Using andapplying this model to children allows heightened awareness and mindfulness in parenting. Mindful parenting is animportant component to raising emotionally healthy and resilient children. This deeper conscious connection canbring about positive changes for easier behavior and easier parenting.
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Int Ped Chi Care, 1(1): 14-20 (2018)
Integrative Pediatrics and Child Care
Raising Emotionally Healthy and Resilient Children:
Consciously Connecting with Kids
Hatch J*
Rec date: Apr 16, 2018; Acc date: May 15, 2018; Pub date: May 20, 2018
Level I nursery at Sturdy Memorial Hospital in Attleboro, MA, United States
*Correspondence: Hatch J, 12 Austria Ave Fairhaven, MA 02719, United States, E-mail: juliehatch@hotmail.com
Abstract
Parents are feeling more challenged in raising kids today than in years past. The challenge is in coping with difficult
behavior. Statistics show that an increasing number of children are being diagnosed with and treated for behavioral
or emotional issues. Behavior is a manifestation of something deeper going on in the child. By tapping into this deeper
core of the child and seeing their inner spirit, their true nature, then one can better understand where the behavior
is coming from. The Chinese medicine 5-element model is a useful tool in identifying a child’s inner nature. Using and
applying this model to children allows heightened awareness and mindfulness in parenting. Mindful parenting is an
important component to raising emotionally healthy and resilient children. This deeper conscious connection can
bring about positive changes for easier behavior and easier parenting.
Keywords: Parenting; Mindfulness; Conscious connection; True nature; Behavior; Emotional health
Introduction
Case Report
Parenting today can be challenging. The fast pace of life
in the 21st century means more activities jammed in to a
day, more technology to distract us, more places to go and
things to do. Working parents have the added challenge
of working their full work week and still finding time to
be a parent. With technology distracting parents and
kids more every day, with the financial reality of needing
both parents working, and with the overscheduled child,
there is more of a need than ever to find a way to take
some time and focus on how to raise an emotionally
healthy child who will survive and thrive in the world as
they grow. This article will discuss understanding kids’
behaviors, recognizing where different behaviors come
from, understanding each child’s unique true nature, and
how mindful parenting is important in raising emotionally
healthy and resilient children. Through this understanding
and connection, children can be raised to better adjust to
life’s challenging events and in fact thrive in life in spite
of adversities. Raising and nourishing a child true to their
essence, brings out more positive behavior in the child,
allows them to live true to their authentic self, and makes
parenting less stressful and more rewarding.
Behavior
Is behavior in kids getting worse or better? The
answer is a subjective one. What is considered ‘bad’
behavior? Twenty-three hundred years ago Socrates
wrote “The children now love luxury, they have bad
manners, contempt for authority, they show disrespect
for elders. They contradict their parents, chatter before
company, and they tyrannize their teachers” [1]. Based
on this, it seems child behavior is about the same as it
was 2300 years ago. However according to the American
Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) 8-10% of kids under 5 years
old have ‘significant’ mental health issues [2]. The Center
for Disease Control (CDC) reports that 1 in13 kids are
taking medications for emotional or behavioral problems
and children being medicated for attention-deficit/
hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) rose 28% between 2007
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Int Ped Chi Care, 1(1): 14-20 (2018)
and 2011[3]. So perhaps kids’ behavior is no different
than it was 2300 years ago, yet treatment, in an attempt
to ‘fix’ it, is increasing.
Behavior is often labeled as good or bad. Good
behavior may be considered a child who is compliant,
polite, calm, pays attention, does what they are told,
doesn’t rock the boat. Good behavior is easy to be
around and comfortable for adults. Bad behavior may be
described as a child who is hyperactive, loud, boisterous,
pushes the boundaries, non-conforming, and challenges
authority. Bad behavior challenges our sense of comfort
and confidence in parenting abilities. The labels ‘good’
behavior and ‘bad’ behavior are not helpful. They attach
judgement to the child which can be detrimental. This
judgement can weigh heavily on a child’s developing
sense of self. Rather than labeling a child as ‘good’ or ‘bad’
it is more useful to see the behavior within the context of
the child’s inner self.
In examining where different behaviors come from,
behaviors are reactions or responses to certain stimuli
in the child’s life. Fear and insecurity are two of the basic
driving forces behind behavior. Feelings of fear and
insecurity arise around a negative stimulus. This negative
stimulus is a stressor to the child and brings out negative
reactivity. Positive stimuli are motivators and bring out
positive behavior. A stressor is any stimulus that makes
the child feel fearful or insecure. Fear is a fundamental
emotion that drives human behavior. Kids can feel fear
about any number of things in their environment. An
obvious source of fear is an abusive parent. Less obvious
sources of fear or insecurity are situations that make the
child feel scared or uncomfortable. Examples of such
situations include: large crowds of people, excess noise,
loneliness, physical inactivity, sensory overstimulation,
sensory under stimulation, or separation from friends
and family. There are different sources of stress or fear
for each different kind of child. Behavior is a symptom
of something deeper going on. When a child feels fearful
or insecure, this feeling in them manifests as acting out
which may be considered ‘bad’ behavior. But really the
behavior is a reaction of self-protection and a cry for help
in managing this feeling of fear or insecurity. Children
don’t like to misbehave. They are not born with the
desire to misbehave. It doesn’t feel good to them to be
considered ‘bad’. It is simply a cry for help.
Don’t Throw the Baby out with the
Bathwater
Acting out is one small area of difficulty for a child in
managing their emotions and is not a reflection of the
whole child. Parents often focus on the difficult behavior
rather than focusing on the more positive, greater picture
of the whole child. Because each child is unique, different
kids react differently to stressors or motivators. For
instance, while one child may feel the need to always be
moving, exploring, physically interacting with the world,
another child will prefer to sit quietly, reading or coloring.
The active child feels happy and comfortable in a more
physical environment and the quiet child feels happy and
comfortable in a more quiet, calm environment. Stress
will arise when the environment shifts and the stimuli
in the environment create feelings of discomfort or
insecurity. The emotion of fear in response to a stressor
plays a significant role in how a child will behave. How
a child reacts and what types of stimuli are stressful to
them relates to what the child’s true nature is.
True Nature
If we dig a bit deeper in what prompts fear or insecurity
in a child we start to see and understand their true
nature. A child’s true nature is their essence. It is the true
child deep in the core where their inner spirit lives. It is
what makes them tick, it is what determines how they
perceive and function in the world around them. A child’s
true nature governs their temperament, their personality
type, and their behavior. Children are naturally in tune
with their inner spirit. If a child can live in accordance
with their true nature they learn how to live authentically.
This means they live with a secure sense of self and is
comfortable and confident in their words, thoughts
and actions. A secure sense of self is the foundation for
emotional health and positive behavior.
Identifying a child’s true nature
Reect
A simple way to start seeing a child’s true nature is to
just observe them in different situations - at home, with
friends, in school, meeting new people. The child will
react to different situations and stimuli in accordance
with their true nature. Reflection allows a parent to step
back and objectively observe the child and their behavior,
and it is the first step in fostering their emotional well-
being.
The Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) 5-element
model offers a more in-depth way to identify a child’s
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true nature. For thousands of years the Chinese have
used the natural world as a framework for understanding
and treating mental and physical health. TCM bases its
philosophy and practice of health and medicine on the
balance of yin and yang, and the 5 natural elements:
wood, fire, earth, metal, and water (Figure 1).
Fire and wood are more yang in nature - bright,
outgoing, loud, active, energetic, social, leader types.
Metal and water are more yin elements-calm, quiet,
inward, in a more restful state. Earth lies in the middle
with a balanced combination of yin and yang. Looking
at the 5-element diagram in a clockwise direction, each
element influences the element type that follows it and is
influenced by the other element types. Wood fuels fire; fire
creates earth; from the earth comes metal; water makes
wood grow. Everybody has bits of all 5 elements within
them, but one element is dominant and identifies one’s
true nature. A questionnaire for identifying each of the 5
elements can be found in Appendix 1. This questionnaire
can be used by parents, teachers, caretakers or any
adult who is familiar with the child. Similar to the tools
and questionnaires used to diagnose ADHD, adults who
know the child can fill out the questionnaire to arrive at
an element type that fits the child (Table 1).
Wood kids (Pioneers) are highly energetic, physical,
intense, competitive, adventurous, and visionary. Often
labeled with ADHD they are bright intellectually but may
be considered difficult because of their desire to always
be moving. They can be disruptive in a classroom because
of their high energy. Their stressors include
Table 1 outlines characteristics of each element type
with a list of stressors that affect that element type and
the behavior response that ensues from stress.
physical restriction, too many boundaries, lack of
activity, no opportunity to explore and learn. Their
response is frustration, anger, and challenging the
boundaries.
Fire children (Leaders) are charismatic, outgoing,
friendly, like to be the center of attention, natural
performers, and love novelty and sensory stimulation.
These children may be labeled as inattentive ADHD due
to their easy distractibility with sensory stimulation and
novelty. Their stressors are sensory overstimulation,
being fed too much information at once, under stimulation
leading to boredomg, and told to be serious. They react
with anxiety, hyper excitability and even panic.
Earth children (Peacemakers) thrive on human
connection. They love family, friends, harmony among
people, and are affectionate and caring. Their source of
stress comes from disconnection, lack of human contact,
not fitting in. They respond with worry and over thinking
situations.
Metal children (Alchemists) like routine, predictability,
logic and structure. They feel secure with rules and
boundaries. They are very sensitive to criticism or being
wrong. Their stressors are inconsistency, disorder,
unpredictability, and being openly criticized. When
these stressors arise, they react with becoming overly
rigid sometimes to the point of obsessive compulsion,
hypersensitivity (crying) to other’s criticisms, not being
able to ‘let it go’.
Water children, (Philosophers) are imaginative and
deep thinkers, who like mysticism and magic; they live
in their own world, are quiet and contemplative, and are
not interested in the concept of time and daily schedules.
They feel stress with being rushed, forced to live with
the urgency of daily affairs, and with too much human
contact. Their response is withdrawal and disconnection
from people and their environment.
Once a child’s element type is identified it then
becomes evident what the child and their behavior are all
about. This is their true nature. When a child is allowed to
live according to their true nature they feel better about
themselves and their role in the world. Working with
their true nature, rather than working against it is the
foundation of raising an emotionally healthy child. The
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natural traits of each element are meant to be nourished
and strengthened – these are the motivators. Stressors
should be minimized whenever possible. This may mean
manipulating or affecting a child’s environment so that
they can function more naturally. For instance, water
children will need a place of their own where they can go
to be alone and immerse themselves in reading, thinking,
or daydreaming, with no interruptions or invasion of their
space by other people. Fire children, quite opposite, will
need an outlet for the desire to perform and be the center
of attention. Putting on a show for the family, or trying out
for the school play is motivating. Allowing fire children to
be funny and free spirited will nourish their fire element.
Wood children benefit from time spent outside and being
physical, not from time sitting quietly, inside and inactive.
Providing the wood child with opportunity to run, climb,
compete, and be adventuresome nourishes their wood
spirit. Earth children will love to help out in the kitchen,
help care for younger siblings, enjoy dinner hour with the
family-to encourage their desire to help and to connect is
to nourish their earth spirit. Metal children do best with
an organized, predictable environment. Chaos in their
environment will work against their nature. Knowing
the plan for the day and keeping things predictable and
Traits Stressors Response to Stressors
WOOD
Athletic
Exploring
Competitive
Adventurous
Goal oriented
Being physical
Highly energetic
Boredom
Connement
Lack of physical activity
Anger
Frustration
Destructive behavior
FIRE
Charming
Engaging
Performer
Charismatic
Class clown
likes novelty
Sensory learner
Center of attention
Boredom
Over stimulation
Under stimulation
Told to be serious
Too much information
Anxiety
Panic
Hypersensitivity
Can’t calm down
EARTH
Caretakers
Adaptable
Aectionate
Compassionate
Like to help others
Loves connection with others
Separation
Not tting in
Disconnection
Lack of human contact
Worries
Obsesses
Overthinks
METAL
Organized
Follows the rules
Embarasess easily
Loves logic and patterns
Loves routine and structure
Likes to complete tasks and check
them
o a list
Disorder
Criticism
Changes
Inconsistency
Unpredictability
Becomes rigid
Compulsive - OCD
Can’t just ‘let it go’
Hypersensitive (crying) when
criticized or told he is wrong
WATER
Solitary
Mellow
Easy going
Deep thinker
Very imaginative
Lives inside his head
Poor concept of time
Enjoys magic and mysticism
Has deep inner strength and wisdom
Time constraints
Being misunderstood
Too much human contact
Urgency of everyday aairs
Withdrawal
Social Isolation
Table 1: characteristics of each element type with a list of stressors that affect that element type and the behavior
response that ensues from stress
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Int Ped Chi Care, 1(1): 14-20 (2018)
organized help them to feel safe and secure.
Case Study
William is a 6 year old kindergartener. He is a bright
child who does well with the material taught in school.
He has boundless energy and needs to be physical and to
move a lot to feel ‘right’. His teacher is concerned because
he cannot sit and focus for longer than five minutes at a
time. His teacher has brought up the possible diagnosis
of ADHD and suggested that his parents talk to William’s
pediatrician about the possibility of starting medications.
At home William is cheerful, helpful and is a good brother
to his younger brother. He has trouble sitting through
dinner and often needs to get up from the table during
dinner. He absolutely loves to be outside, running around
and playing with the neighborhood kids. By looking at
the element table William is a wood child. The ways to
engage and motivate William are through exploration,
physical activity, and competition. To expect him to sit
and concentrate for 15 minutes creates a major source
of stress for him, and as a result he gets frustrated and
angry. The desires to be active, social, and explorative are
his innate traits, traits of his true nature and are not ‘bad’.
This is not to say that he has no responsibility for his actions
or that he should be allowed to act out of control and
disruptive. But to work with his nature rather than against
it will yield positive behavior and may avoid the necessity
of starting medications. Restricting his time with friends
and time outside and opportunities for physical activity
will only exacerbate the stress he feels from confinement
and isolation. Ideally, his school and home environments
can adapt to allow for certain aspects of his element type
- allowing for movement, exploration and ways to let him
blow off his excess energy. Understanding why William
acts the way he does, by identifying his element type as
his true nature is the first step in working with William
and his exuberant behavior.
Mindful Parenting and Consciously
Connecting
Connect
A child’s true nature can be seen by understanding
their behavior within the framework of their natural
element. By understanding a child’s behavior in the
context of their natural element allows their true nature
to shine. Connection to this true nature is the next step in
nourishing a child’s emotional health
Mindfulness has become a buzz word and is becoming
popular for people who want to live their lives from
a more centered, calm, focused place, getting away
from reactivity to the stressful, chaotic world around
them. Jon Kabat-Zinn, PhD is the founder of the Center
for Mindfulness in Medicine Health Care. He and other
mindfulness leaders teach people how to live their
lives more mindfully. He defines mindfulness as “the
awareness that emerges through paying attention, on
purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmental
to the unfolding of experience moment by moment”
[4]. Studies have shown that using mindfulness-based
interventions effectively reduces psychological reactivity
to stressful life situations, treats anxiety, and decreases
recurrence of depressive episodes [5]. Multiple studies
have been done in recent years on mindful parenting
showing the positive effects on children’s behavior,
academic ability, reducing stress and anxiety, and bringing
about easier, more positive parenting [6]. A mindful
approach to parenting has been suggested as one avenue
for promoting secure attachment relationships and the
parent-child relationship is an ideal context in which to
extend the concepts and practices of mindfulness [7]. To
incorporate mindfulness with parenting means seeing
the child just as they are, without judgement. It is the
ability to be with the child in the moment, connecting
with what they say and do in a conscious way. Seeing
and accepting a child for who they are, their traits, their
likes and dislikes, their temperament, allows a parent to
consciously connect. Children need that connection and
to know that they are accepted just as they are. Children
want to be heard, they want to be understood for who
they are, and they want to know that they matter and
are worthy. When children feel understood and secure
in expressing themselves according to their inner true
self then they learn to live through their own personal
power. When a parent is mindful and truly present in the
moment with the child, then parenting becomes more
responsive and less reactive.
Conflict arises when parents have set expectations of
who their child should be, of what they want that child to
be. Often we see parents raising their kids in a rather
egoic way – that is according to their own agendas.
These agendas often include the sports the child should
play, the instrument they should learn to play, the
innumerable extracurricular activities they should be
doing to ‘get ahead’, the way they look and dress, the
college they should aspire to attend, the profession
they should choose for life, or whatever else the parent
feels to be important. These are all aspects of life that
parents like to believe they can control. They believe that
their agenda is what is best for their child. Many kids live
afraid of disappointing their parents, not meeting their
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Int Ped Chi Care, 1(1): 14-20 (2018)
expectations, and they live in a way meant to please their
parents. This does not allow for a child to live according
to their nature but rather according to their parents’ way
of looking at life. When a child lives their life with a false
sense of identity which is an identity according to Mom
and Dad, and out of alignment from their own true nature,
a child then cannot grow into their own sense of self. Kids
have an innate sense of who they are, who they want
to become, and what is right for them. Kids want to feel
affirmation from their parents for this authentic sense
of self, and they need the parents to see their intrinsic
goodness and spirit. This personal power from within a
child, when accepted and nourished according to their
true nature grows into emotional health and resilience.
Parental guidance and insight is important; exerting
control and enforcing parental wants and expectations
is not helpful.
Respect
Finally, respect is the third component for emotional
health. Respecting a child’s true inner spirit, their inner
authentic self means loving it, nourishing it, building it up.
Emotional health can be defined as living free of
anxiety, depression, and maladaptive behaviors.
Emotionally healthy people are optimistic, genuinely
happy and able to cope with life’s stresses in a healthy
adaptive way. Resilience is how one recovers from stress.
Resilience in a child is the ability of a child to recover from
a difficult time or a stressful experience, and pick them
self back up and return to a centered state of calm. Kids
do best with a grounded sense of who they are. They can
accept themselves as they are, especially if they have the
support and belief of their parents. With self-acceptance
and non-judgement kids gain confidence in themselves
which breeds inner strength and resilience. It is not
difficult for kids to believe in themselves and have self-
confidence. In fact, it is natural for them. They can take
ownership for their lives. Who they are internally, not
what happens externally, is what gives them the strength
of resilience and the ability to adjust and grow. If children
are in tune with their inner power they will be less apt to
feel defeated by life’s difficulties and more apt to learn
and grow from life’s experiences. If adults can accept
the child as who they are and nourish this true nature
of theirs then they will raise an emotionally healthy and
resilient child.
A child may lose self -confidence and belief in their
inner self when adults around them criticize, judge and
lead them to believe they are not worthy just as they are
and should change and act differently. It can be difficult
for parents to let go of the control they desire to turn
their child into who they the parents believe the child
should be. Parents fear that their child will fail or suffer
if they don’t live the way the parent feels is the right way
to live. This need to control a child’s life is common but is
not in the child’s best interest. If parents can learn to free
themselves from the need to control, and instead allow
the child to evolve according to their true nature, they
may be pleasantly surprised by what their amazing little
child is capable of and what they may blossom into.
To paraphrase Dr. Wendy Mogel’s analogy for parents:
Try to see your child as a seed in a packet of wildflower
seeds without a label. Your job is to provide the right
environment and nutrients. You plant the seed in fertile
soil, you water it, you provide it with sunlight, you pull
out the weeds and you allow it to grow. You don’t know
what it will look like, you don’t know when it will bloom or
if it will prefer sun or shade. Your job is to provide it with
nutrients and allow it to grow as it is meant to grow [8].
Conclusion
Children’s behaviors are largely based on their true
nature. Life events and environmental factors certainly
influence a child’s behavior, but if the child is raised to be
resilient and emotionally healthy then their adaptability
to life events and environments is greatly strengthened.
Reflecting on and identifying a child’s true nature is an
important part of building positive behavior. Connecting
with the child in a mindful, conscious manner starts to
make parenting easier. The connection between child
and parent on a deeper level helps to reduce conflict
and stress between them. Respecting the child’s true
nature means nourishing that nature. Working with the
child’s true nature instead of suppressing it is a positive
way to build a child’s self-confidence and feeling of self-
worth. From a grounded sense of self children have the
confidence and ability to lead a life of emotional health
and resilience.
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Copyright: © Hatch J. This is an Open Access article distributed under the terms of the Creative
Commons Attribution License, which permits unrestricted use, distribution, and reproduction
in any medium, provided the original work is properly cited.
ResearchGate has not been able to resolve any citations for this publication.
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Emotional, behavioral, and relationship problems can develop in very young children, especially those living in high-risk families or communities. These early problems interfere with the normative activities of young children and their families and predict long-lasting problems across multiple domains. A growing evidence base demonstrates the efficacy of specific familyfocused therapies in reducing the symptoms of emotional, behavioral, and relationship symptoms, with effects lasting years after the therapy has ended. Pediatricians are usually the primary health care providers for children with emotional or behavioral difficulties, and awareness of emerging research about evidence-based treatments will enhance this care. In most communities, access to these interventions is insufficient. Pediatricians can improve the care of young children with emotional, behavioral, and relationship problems by calling for the following: increased access to care; increased research identifying alternative approaches, including primary care delivery of treatments; adequate payment for pediatric providers who serve these young children; and improved education for pediatric providers about the principles of evidence-based interventions.
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Baer's review (2003; this issue) suggests that mindf ulness-based interventions are clinically efficacious, but that better designed studies are now needed to substantiate the field and place it on a firm foundation for future growth. Her review, coupled with other lines of evidence, suggests that interest in incorporating mindfulness into clinical interventions in medicine and psychology is growing. It is thus important that professionals coming to this field understand some of the unique factors associated with the delivery of mindfulness-based interventions and the potential conceptual and practical pitfalls of not recognizing the features of this broadly unfamiliar landscape. This commentary highlights and contextualizes (1) what exactly mindfulness is, (2) where it came from, (3) how it came to be introduced into medicine and health care, (4) issues of cross-cultural sensitivity and understanding in the study of meditative practices stemming from other cultures and in applications of them in novel settings, (5) why it is important for people who are teaching mind-fulness to practice themselves, (6) results from 3 recent studies from the Center for Mindfulness in Medicine, Health Care, and Society not reviewed by Baer but which raise a number of key questions about clinical applicability, study design, and mechanism of action, and (7) current opportunities for professional training and development in mindfulness and its clinical applications.
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This paper introduces a model of “mindful parenting” as a framework whereby parents intentionally bring moment-to-moment awareness to the parent–child relationship. This is done by developing the qualities of listening with full attention when interacting with their children, cultivating emotional awareness and self-regulation in parenting, and bringing compassion and nonjudgmental acceptance to their parenting interactions. First, we briefly outline the theoretical and empirical literature on mindfulness and mindfulness-based interventions. Next, we present an operational definition of mindful parenting as an extension of mindfulness to the social context of parent–child relationships. We discuss the implications of mindful parenting for the quality of parent–child relationships, particularly across the transition to adolescence, and we review the literature on the application of mindfulness in parenting interventions. We close with a synopsis of our own efforts to integrate mindfulness-based intervention techniques and mindful parenting into a well-established, evidence-based family prevention program and our recommendations for future research on mindful parenting interventions.
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The Blessing of a Skinned Knee
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Tsabary S. (2016) The Awakened Family. Penguin Random House, New York. https://www.amazon. com/Awakened-Family-Empowered-Resilient-Conscious/dp/0399563970
This is an Open Access article distributed under the terms of the Creative Commons Attribution License, which permits unrestricted use, distribution, and reproduction in any medium
  • J Hatch
Copyright: © Hatch J. This is an Open Access article distributed under the terms of the Creative Commons Attribution License, which permits unrestricted use, distribution, and reproduction in any medium, provided the original work is properly cited.