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Journal of Positive Sexuality, Vol. 2, April 2016 © 2016 Journal of Positive Sexuality-Center for Positive
Sexuality
Asexual Polyamory: Potential Challenges and Benefits
Dan Copulsky
Chicago, Illinois
Introduction and Background
Over the past two decades, a broad community has come together around the asexual
identity (Hinderliter, 2009). While asexuality generally describes a sexual orientation in which a
person does not experience sexual attraction toward anyone, specific experiences of asexual
people vary considerably (Carrigan, 2011), and related identities are often considered part of the
asexual spectrum or “ace” community (Chasin, 2015). Some members of the ace community also
identify as polyamorous, participating in multiple romantic or intimate relationships that are not
necessarily sexual (Scherrer, 2010).
One self-identified “relationship anarchist and celibate asexual” described the overlap
between these two communities simply: “Given that polyamory is about wanting and being
capable of having more than one romantic/emotionally significant relationship at the same time,
it should be easy to understand that some asexuals are polyamorous” (Crosswell, 2013).
Asexuals may also choose to be in polyamorous relationships in which they have a single
partner, but that partner may have one or more additional relationships.
Some asexual people have observed that polyamory seems to be more popular as a
relationship style among asexuals than it is in the mainstream. Another polyamorous asexual
described the contemporary state of affairs this way: “No longer a whisper, polyamory has
become the main relationship model for romantic asexuals. Every panel and discussion on
relationship models includes a token part on monogamy because it’s assumed that everyone
already knows about polyamory” (Cerebus, 2014).
This article draws heavily on the personal narratives of asexual individuals to explore this
intersection and focuses on ways in which polyamory can be particularly challenging or
beneficial for those in the asexual community. These first-hand accounts come from posts that
have been previously published online and from personal correspondence. Thirty-four English-
speaking individuals were reached through a combination of the author's own networks and
snowball sampling (through both the Facebook and Tumblr popular social media sites). All
correspondents identified as either part of the asexual community or as partners with someone in
this community. The quotes included herein represent themes that emerged from the broader
collection of responses.
There is a need for scholarship that focuses on the intersection of asexuality with
polyamory. For example, Prause and Graham (2007) and Brotto et al. (2010) discuss asexuals’
relationships broadly, but do not address specific types of relationships. However, the present
exploration builds on the work of both Klesse (2014), who investigated the varied ways that
polyamorous identities are experienced, and Scherrer (2010), who explored the ways that
asexuals define their relationships. Scherrer demonstrated that some asexuals are open to
entering into polyamorous relationships.
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Journal of Positive Sexuality, Vol. 2, April 2016 © 2016 Journal of Positive Sexuality-Center for Positive
Sexuality
Potential Challenges of Asexual Polyamory
Members of the asexual community have noted that there are ways in which polyamory
can be particularly challenging for them (Cerberus, 2014; Morgie, 2015). These do not apply to
every relationship, of course, but there are specific challenges that some asexuals may encounter
with nonmonogamy. Asexuals also may face many of the same difficulties as others practicing
polyamory, in addition to difficulties from identifying as asexual. As one writer described it,
“Ace/Aro-spectrum1 people are subject to a lot of misunderstandings and stigmas already. Being
ace/aro-spectrum AND poly can mean dealing with a lot more confusion and judgment from
people who just don't 'get it'” (Morgie, 2015).
One challenge is that outsiders may misunderstand why asexuals are nonmonogamous. A
correspondent who asked to be identified as Claire elaborated on this issue: “I don't like the way
aces are only really included in the discussions around polyamory in the tone of 'Poly can be
great for aces, that way they don't have to provide sex for their partner!' That is true, but there
are... aces like me who are inclined to multiple deep and meaningful relationships.” It seems to
be important to many asexuals that people with other sexual identities understand their particular
identities and motivations.
In a similar vein, outsiders who know that an individual is nonmonogamous, but who are
not aware that that person is asexual, may make false assumptions about the person's sexuality.
Another anonymous correspondent wrote that “Polyamory, swinging, and open relationships are
often associated with sex and orgies by people who don’t know much about the poly
community.”
This can also happen specifically within polyamorous communities where there are
expectations about sexual interest and availability. Rhian Ruari Kerr described that “it can be
challenging, however, in the poly community, when people expect you to be more open to sexual
exploration than you want to be or are in any way set up or aligned to be.... There's an
assumption in the poly community, at least in my experience, that 'poly' means 'available' in
some manner.”
A correspondent who asked to be identified as Smiles described another challenge that
occurs “...when a sexual person and an asexual person have a closed romantic relationship but an
open sexual relationship because the lack of sex between the two caused problems. I see this type
of open relationship suggested a lot, even in cases where one of the people in the relationship
would prefer to be in a monogamous relationship.” Particularly as nonmonogamy becomes a
more popular relationship style in the asexual community, it may be commonly prescribed even
though such an arrangement may not work for all relationships.
Beyond this, asexuals may also be pressured or coerced by a partner into a
nonmonogamous relationship. As Morgie described it, “Ace/aro-spectrum people run a risk of
being coerced into poly when they really don't want it.... An ace or aro person should never feel
like they are obligated to cave to others' desires” (2015). Asexuals may feel as though they must
agree to a relationship style that they do not actually want.
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Journal of Positive Sexuality, Vol. 2, April 2016 © 2016 Journal of Positive Sexuality-Center for Positive
Sexuality
Being nonmonogamous can also exacerbate relationship issues that asexuals already face.
Morgie noted that “the problems in a relationship get magnified the more people are involved. So
if there are unresolved issues, adding more people can just make things more complicated to
resolve” (2015). An anonymous correspondent mentioned feelings of insecurity and jealousy in
particular: “Aces who don't want to have sex but who have partners who have sexual relations
with their other partner may feel left out or inadequate. It can be a source of jealousy.” These
could be difficult emotions that an asexual person already may struggle with.
Another anonymous correspondent commented on how it can be more difficult to
navigate identities around multiple partnerships: “A last challenge is that being involved with
multiple people means negotiating different levels of intimacy (sexual and otherwise) with each
of them. This would be true whatever our sexual orientations, but I think for many asexual
people these negotiations can be more tricky.”
Potential Benefits of Polyamory for Asexuals
Members of the asexual community have also noted a number of ways in which
polyamory can be particularly beneficial to them (Cerberus, 2014; Morgie, 2015; Scherrer,
2010). Again, these do not apply to every relationship. Asexuals may practice polyamory for
many of the same reasons that others are polyamorous. For example, one may simply feel an
innate desire to be in more than one intimate, loving relationship.
One of the most commonly cited reasons for asexuals to consider nonmonogamy is that it
can allow their partners to get sexual desires met elsewhere when such desires are not met in the
relationship or when meeting them is difficult. One correspondent, who asked to be identified as
Laryssa, gave this description: “One of the main benefits of polyamory, specifically when it
comes to asexual people, is when an asexual is dating an allosexual2, polyamory allows the
allosexual to get the sex they generally desire without it becoming a strain on the allo/ace
relationship.”
While this dynamic benefits an asexual's partner more directly, it could also offer an
asexual substantial relief from pressure to have sex. Charlie Mitchell described such a situation:
“I think for a lot of ace people, it can take the pressure off when dating an allosexual person. If
you are both open to polyamory and able to manage it, then it can be good that your partner has
someone with whom they can have a sexual relationship.”
This pressure to have sex could come from a partner, but an anonymous correspondent
also described the way it could come from other places: “Even with a partner who is willing to
forgo sex, in traditional monogamous relationships there is an overwhelming pressure from
society/the mainstream media.... If you’re not having sex, people either assume that you are, or
become concerned that you are not." Thus, nonmonogamy can also alleviate social pressure or an
internalized sense of how a relationship “is supposed to be.”
Another anonymous correspondent noted a very different way in which nonmonogamy
was beneficial to them: “Polyamory is helpful in that it lets me explore the nuances of my desire
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Journal of Positive Sexuality, Vol. 2, April 2016 © 2016 Journal of Positive Sexuality-Center for Positive
Sexuality
for several different people. For a lot of my life I've had question marks surrounding my
a/bi/sexuality, and while I still do, it's fascinating to be involved with multiple people of different
genders, kink roles, and personalities.” Rather than viewing nonmonogamy as a way to relieve
particular burdens, this insight suggests that it can be active way to empower asexuals to explore
desire or sexuality on their own terms.
Many also noted that the values emphasized in polyamorous communities could be
particularly useful for asexuals. One writer described it this way: “The emphasis on good,
consistent communication makes it easier for people of all orientations to express both their
desires and their boundaries, and have these things respected” (Morgie, 2015). A number of
correspondents specifically mentioned standards of communication, honesty, and openness.
Asexuals may also benefit especially from the flexible boundaries between intimate
friendships and romantic relationships that nonmonogamy can make available. Smiles gave this
description: “For some of us there is a blur between friendship and romance, and polyamory can
help make that uncertainty less stressful. When I was in a monogamous relationship I was never
sure whether or not my relationships with close friends were too intimate and crossed a line.”
As Scherrer (2010, p.159) wrote, “Similar to those in polyamorous communities, asexual
individuals are actively restructuring and rewriting their relationships, opening up possibilities
for reimagining all of our lives.” Many asexuals are finding benefits available to them in
polyamory and other kinds of nonmonogamy. These benefits, along with the challenges
previously discussed, highlight the importance of examining what polyamorous relationships
look like specifically for the asexual community.
Conclusion
As is true for a wide range of diverse sexualities, polyamory is a relationship style that
may be well suited for some asexual people but less so for others. Understanding the motivations
that draw many asexuals to polyamory and the specific ways in which this kind of relationship
can be difficult for them is a cornerstone both for providing culturally competent support and for
conducting inclusive research. Three recommendations are offered below to help professionals
and community members to better serve asexual and polyamorous individuals.
First, a clinician working with an asexual client should not assume what kinds of
relationships the client may be a part of, or what the client's reasons are for choosing such
relationships. The clinician should also remain sensitive to aspects of relationships that may be
particularly emotional for specific clients.
Researchers studying nonmonogamy can be diligent in deciding what varieties of
intimate relationships to be included in their work and communicating these decisions clearly
throughout the research process. If a study is limited to looking at sexual relationships, potential
participants should be aware of this limitation, and research reports should be clear that the
particular study does not necessarily encompass the potential richness and diversity of
polyamory.
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Sexuality
Finally, professionals advocating for asexuals through writing or speaking should strive
to better reflect the full scope of experiences and insights that are represented within this
community. Researchers can continue examining these rich and diverse experiences with
additional study. While this paper offers insights regarding potential challenges and benefits of
asexual people in polyamorous relationships, much more research is needed that focuses on the
overlap between these communities. Particularly, research utilizing larger sample sizes that
explores challenges and benefits, as suggested here, is warranted and useful.
Notes:
1. Aromantism describes a romantic orientation in which a person does not experience
romantic attraction. “Aro” is a common abbreviation for aromantic, and such identities
are often considered “the aro spectrum.”
2. In the asexual community, the word allosexual is used to describe people who do
experience sexual attraction—that is, people who are not asexual. Allosexual is often
abbreviated as “allo.”
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