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Let’s Start At The Very Beginning:
The Sound of Infants, Mental Health,
Homelessness and YOU
By Wendy Bunston,
Manager,
Addressing Family Violence
Programs,
Melbourne’s Royal Children’s
Hospital,
Integrated Mental Health
Program
Opening Credits…
As far as films go it has been an
enduring family favourite and made
even more popular because it was based
on a true story. Maria, from ‘The Sound
of Music’, was not the mother of the Von
Trapp children but seemed to do a pretty
good job of caring for them. The children
lost their mother to scarlet fever and Maria
became their step mother. The family lost
their home, which was confiscated by
the Nazis, their fortune and became
refugees from their own country. Maria
(in real life) was herself orphaned at seven,
trained to be a teacher and joined a
Benedictine Monastery intending to
become a nun. Their story is replete with
loss, trauma, and homelessness as well
as joy, triumph and relational repair.
One can imagine that the characters in this
story seemed to benefit from some good
parenting somewhere along the line, whether
it was from their biological caregiver/s, or
contingent caregiver/s (someone who offers
a replacement care giving experience).
Somewhere, somehow these characters
seemed to find a good enough ‘relational’
and ‘physical’ home.
The logic goes that it is the primary biological
caregiver who has the most impact on the
developing infant and that more often than
not, that the caregiver is the mother. We
live in a world which still attributes women
with a maternal instinct that magically
appears when their infant is born and
generally the word ‘maternal’ evokes images
that are loving, patient and enduring.
Just what ‘maternal’ or ‘mothering’
experiences the woman herself was
subjected to when she was an infant can
get lost in the mix when we are busy working
with both ‘mothers’ and ‘fathers’ who are
experiencing homelessness in ‘the now’
rather than having time to understand their
past. Some would argue that it is the quality
of the ‘mothering’ or ‘fathering’ in itself
that is more important than the quality of
the ‘home’ (and by that I mean housing).
Perhaps those who are trying to both be
a parent and find secure housing, or,
perhaps the infant/child of that parent who
doesn’t know if they will ever have a space
that is their own space, may argue
differently. But it is both a lack of access
to ‘a secure relationship with their caregiver’
and to ‘a secure home’ that has a profound
impact on the emerging mental health of
the infant/child.
Beginning with…
So let us just start at the very beginning.
Not all children have secure housing,
and not all children have secure
relationships with their parents. When
infants and children have neither it is
their replacement experiences (with their
contingent care givers) that may in fact
be critical to their future ‘good’ mental
health. We often think about what the
parents and children we work with might
do differently, but what about ourselves?
What can we do in the ‘here and now’
to help build scaffolding for the
PARITY · Volume 24, Issue 2 · March 2011
Homelessness and Children
37
PARITY · Volume 24, Issue 2 · March 2011
Homelessness and Children
infants/children and parents we work
with that is healthy, hardy and can be
made use of in their future.
In a refuge setting how do we think of
infants/children in our care? Are they
considered subjects in and of their own right,
with needs, wants, hopes and fears that
may be at odds with that of their
parent/parents? Is the infant who is seldom
held by their parents ‘in mind’ or ‘in body’
held in our mind and by our body? Do we
gently invite the infant into a relationship with
us by gazing in their direction and
acknowledging their presence? May we be
available at a time in the life of a traumatised
infant where we can offer soothing,
responsive and congruent affirmation (an
acknowledgement of their trauma) when
their caregiver is perhaps unable or
unavailable to? Might we be able to help
dysregulated (highly distressed) infants return
to a healthy regulated emotional state?
Do we let the infants we work with initiate
gaze with us and be careful not to overwhelm
them with too much or too little of our
response but observe carefully their body
language and listen to their verbal cues;
following their lead whilst still affirming our
interest in them as participants in a
relationship with us? Do we say their name
and include them in conversations? Do we
ask their caregivers “What do you imagine
your baby is thinking or feeling about coming
into this new and strange place?” or “can
you tell me what you have noticed your baby
doing if she/he becomes distressed,
frightened, feels happy or lonely?”. Maybe
even asking, “And what are the things that
may make your baby feel like this?” Just
introducing the idea of infants having
emotions or feelings can be astounding for
some parents. Even more surprising for some
is the notion that how they, the parent is
feeling, directly affects how the infant is feeling.
Whether as a worker in a refuge setting, a
worker from a support service or the case
manager, the impact of how we are ‘in
relationship to our clients’ can be startling.
How we look at, engage with and interact
with caregivers’ infants or children can stop
them dead in their tracks. Our bending down
to introduce ourselves to children or directly
look at an infant to explain who we are and
what we do is observed by the parent. Our
articulating what we see, say for instance
if we notice that the little boy in this family
“looks really sad when I talk about having
to find you all a new place to live” gives
voice to the possibilities of experience this
child might have and brings their presence
into the picture. It treats them as an
important and worthy recipient of attention.
Just as sensitive as we are to observing and
involving infants and children in this picture
is our ability to facilitate an understanding
within the parent of just how important they
are to their child’s development and how
intensely their infant/child yearns to be seen
and understood by them. This is not a
straightforward “you need to understand
that you are probably going to be the most
important influence in this child’s life”! For
parents who have themselves experienced
very poor parenting, or worse still, abuse or
neglect, emphasising their importance as a
parent may give rise to challenging their view
of themselves as essentially unimportant. It
may also evoke a powerful feeling of
shame as a parent, and shame may be
something they have worked very hard over
many years to defend themselves against.
How we ask parents respectful questions,
make subtle observations and perhaps
create space to reflect on what was
happening to them as infants/children may
offer a window into their own early
experiences. Allowing them to tell their stories
from the past and not just the present may
unlock some doors that open onto a new
picture of themselves when they were
children, re-connecting with and recognising
their own vulnerability and dependence on
their parent/s when they were a child. An
ability to emotionally engage their own
early childhood material may lead to an
appreciation of what their infants/children
are now possibly struggling with. Inroads
into the past are not built easily but gentle
persistence can payoff and road blocks can
be moved. These family systems we are
working with need to be respected as
systems, and infants and children need to
be included in the whole story rather than
ushered out (in mind and body) as a nuisance
and a burden on their exhausted parent/s.
Changing the plot…
It is quite a revolutionary concept, but, maybe
seeing infants and children as invigorating
to, rather than draining of, their parent/s
will cause an enormous shift in how we think
and work. We can often assume a burden
of relating rather than a relief through
relational repair. The mother who gets down
on the ground with you to play with her infant
daughter, who laughs when the two of you
are singing nursery rhymes or suddenly
notices her infant delighting in the sound of
her own playful tone, may just bring both
mother and infant into a new and lively
appreciation of one another.
Instead of asking the adult client questions,
it may feel right to invite the young child or
young person into the conversation with;
“So what do you know about your Mum’s
Mum and Dad? “How many brothers and
sisters does your Dad have? “What did mum
like to do when she was little” “How did Mum
and Dad meet? Or conversely to Mum, “what
is your daughter’s very favourite song or
toy?” These questions can reveal just how
much or how little family members know
38
about one another. They can prompt
conversations not normally had and open
pathways to relating differently…if ‘we’ don’t
give up too quickly! Many families have had
years of practice at keeping each other at
arms length, of not understanding their own
feeling states let alone hearing what each
other is trying to say. And we are no different.
This work is difficult. This work is often
thankless. This work is shattering at times
and depleting at others. It can overwhelm,
exhaust and demoralise. This work evokes
such feeling states because it is such a
dominant fixture is the lives of this client group.
So we likewise defend ourselves by busily
‘doing for’ rather than ‘being with’ our clients.
It is enormously difficult to resist the rush to
fix the outside of the house from caving in
when it is really the inside that is in tatters.
The physical needs of the infant not
withstanding, it is the warmth of the parent’s
arms, breath, eyes, face and presence
that does more to provide the infant with a
sense of safety than does the structure of
the building they are living in. And just as
infants need this relational scaffolding built
from the ‘outside in’ by the care giving
relationship, so too does the parent. With
us. We have the capacity to contribute
something towards holding both through
how we build our relationship with the family
systems we work with. And holding does
not mean carrying.
The ‘holding’ referred to means providing a
space through our presence, our interactions,
our manner and our thoughtfulness that
allows mothers and fathers who may be
highly distressed to not ‘just react to their
anxiety’ but begin ‘to think about its meaning’.
This involves enhancing their mental health
through supporting their capacity to make
sense of their experiences and to reflect also
on how their infants/children may be making
sense of things. Our calming presence and
our ‘being with’ may offer a positive
experience (perhaps one not provided by
their own parents) and an enormous relief.
When an infant or child is highly distressed
what they want most, want they need most
is to be held by someone bigger that they
are, who they trust can take over this ‘big
scary stuff’ that they are too small to
handle and who will affirm their right to want
to feel safe and protected. Ideally as we get
older, our experiences of our parents,
siblings, friends and world, give us enough
relationally good stuff to draw on (and take
from the outside in) so we can hold this within
and for ourselves when times are tough.
A very good place
to start…
The privilege we have as workers is
meeting families at the coalface and of
being there with them during one of their
life’s tough times. Whether it is for six
hours, six weeks or six months or more,
we can and do often offer a relational
experiences that may be so different,
that they stand out. Our capacity to be a
‘thinking’, ‘infant/child aware’ and inclusive
worker (person) who offers a holding
experience to vulnerable infants, children
and their parents (together) at a crossroad,
may be what begins a journey of repair
and difference rather than one that leads
in repetitive circles. So let us start at the
very beginning, with our clients and with
ourselves. Each relational encounter we
have in life bears the birth of new relational
opportunities, or the repetition of old ones.
And as Maria explains, learning Do-Re-Me
(You-Me-Us) means “one can sing a million
different tunes by mixing them up”. Just
what that sounds like is yet to be. ■
For information about the Addressing
Family Violence Programs go to:
www.rch.org.au/mhs/afvp
PARITY · Volume 24, Issue 2 · March 2011
Homelessness and Children
39
Invite infants into your mind,
your space and your
interactions with their parents
This is done by being curious about
the infant, what they are doing
developmentally, how they express
themselves, how much energy they
give and how much they take. It is
sometimes useful to wonder aloud in
the presence of their parents and
siblings, not asking rhetorical
questions but genuinely being curious
about what it is the infant might be
trying to communicate about their
world. Giving yourself time to wait and
see what happens first, however,
rather than rushing in to fill the space
as this can allow everyone time to
think.
Do not overwhelm, do not
under-whelm, infants.
Being overbearing in your interactions
with an infant impinges on their
personal space as well as their
developing self agency. Under-
interacting deprives the infant of
opportunities for healthy stimulation
and interaction. Learning the balance
involves listening to and learning from
the infant. The depressed infant may
need encouragement to become more
lively, whilst the anxious infant may
need help modulating (or managing)
their emotional states. Take your lead
from the infant through observing
them, how they interact with their
parent and how they interact with you.
If you find engaging with them hard
work then that’s probably a clue to
how hard they find it engaging with
you. Next question…Is that coming
from them, from you or somewhere in
between.
Challenge the impulse to see
infants as preverbal and thus
not communicative.
Watch with your eyes, your mind and
your body. We have this funny idea
that the most powerful communication
comes through speech. Our earliest
grasp on the world occurred non-
verbally and whilst research may
suggest that more is communicated
non-verbally than verbally few of us
tend to really believe this. How well we
can manage our anxiety about ‘not
knowing’ can reassure terribly anxious
parents who feel like failures if they
don’t get it right the first time. Getting
it right with an infant the ‘first time’ is
not very realistic as infants themselves
are very much exploring this brave
new world of self and other/s. Being
‘too sure’ (perhaps to mask feelings of
uncertainty) may lead to the mother
using the same response for every
occasion, i.e., feeding an infant every
time they grizzle.
Your entry point for change may
in fact be the infant/child
As an adult-centric society we can,
without thinking, automatically defer all
things (including asking a parent how a
child is when the child is sitting right
there with you) to the adults in the
room. These adults may well be so
caught up in their own trauma history
and experiences of damaging
relationships that shifts in thinking are
difficult to achieve. Whilst not in every
case, most parents hold a hope for
their infants/children’s future that is far
more enlivened than for their own. A
desire to be a different kind of parent
or to provide a different future for their
offspring is a powerful motivator. In
other instances our capacity to simply
see, engage with and delight in their
children can offer parents a new and
intriguing insight into what just ‘might
be’ in their infant and within their
relationship.
Do not underestimate the
power of play
Many adults have had very poor
opportunities to play and play is one of
the first tools with which we explore
the world and understand ourselves.
Getting down and playing with the
infants and children we work with and
including their parents can bring about
surprising results. Having a chance to
sing, to draw, roll a ball, make a joke,
rattle a tambourine, imagine a story
with plastic tigers and dinosaurs, or
dance about can all bypass one’s
usual patterns in responding and
reveal, as well as allow opportunities to
revel, in other sensory experiences and
ways of expressing. And as with all the
other suggestions… don’t give up so
fast…doing new things takes time and
persistence. ■
Suggestion Sheet for Working with infants