Content uploaded by David C. Dollahite
Author content
All content in this area was uploaded by David C. Dollahite on Apr 12, 2016
Content may be subject to copyright.
“Why Would Such a Person Dream About Heaven?”
1
Family, Faith, and Happiness in Arranged Marriages in India
*
Jennifer L. Bowman
*
David C. Dollahite
INTRODUCTION
Marriage is a fundamental and important institution across the large majority of cultures and
societies around the world (Myers, Madathil, and Tingle, 2005). Studies have shown that
marital quality directly correlates with physical, mental, and spiritual well-being. Waite and
Gallagher (2000) found that husbands and wives invested in a long-term relationship live
longer, healthier, and wealthier lives, as well as have more satisfying sex lives. Bennett
(2005) showed marital status is correlated with psychological well-being cross-sectionally
as well as longitudinally. Results of Frech and Williams (2007) indicated that marriage
improved the psychological well-being of those with depression even more than those
without. And not only is marriage beneficial for the individual, but Nock (2007) showed that
it has significant benefits for society. He argued that the promotion of marriage should be of
significant interest to government because of the way it promotes health and protection for
families, and the way it contributes to couples maintaining stable and orderly lives. For these
and multiple other reasons, marriage has been the focus of a vast number of studies yet
continues to need further exploration.
Defining Arranged Marriage and Marital Success
Across the cultures and societies in the world exist various models and approaches to the
institution of marriage (Cooperman, 2004). Of particular interest to this study is the practice
of arranged marriage. Arranged marriages have existed for millennia, and are widely
instituted among many cultures around the world. Contrary to common belief, arranged
marriages are not necessarily forced (ten Veen, 2005, Zaidi and Shuraydi, 2002). For the
purposes of this study, arranged marriage is defined as the arrangement of a marriage
exclusively by a third party (someone other than the couple getting married) or by a “joint-
venture” of the third party and the child/person getting married. The term “success” with
regards to marriage is defined as a high degree of marital satisfaction, measured by the
Relationship Assessment Scale (RAS) (see appendix). The marriage of each of the
participants in the study was deemed “successful” in this regard, as participants were
screened to ensure that only marriages with high levels of marital satisfaction were analyzed.
The purpose of this was to ensure that results focus on satisfaction in marriage, not just
1 We sincerely appreciate insightful and constructive comments from Roy Bean and two anonymous reviewers on a
previous draft. We are especially grateful to Rajalakshmi Sriram for very helpful feedback and guidance on the
literature on arranged marriage in India.
*c/o DAVID C. DOLLAHITE, Brigham Young University, 2054 JFSB, Provo, UT, 84602, USA.
**Brigham Young University, 2054 JFSB, Provo, UT 84602 USA.
marital longevity which could be caused by a society in which divorce is socially
unacceptable.
Perceptions vs. Reality of Arranged Marriage
Contemporary arranged marriage in India now takes a number of forms often varying
according to region and other factors. Child marriages, once common, are now illegal
(although still sometimes practiced). It is often assumed that, even in an arranged marriage,
persons have the "right of refusal" so that there are relatively few forced marriages. Often
marriage in urban areas and even many rural parts involve two adults choosing each other as
romantic partners, and then seeking the approval of the parents. They still go through the
formal processes of an arranged marriage in order to honor personal choice and respect that
marriage binds two families in profound ways. Thus, choice and love are sometimes part of
contemporary arranged marriages even if the forms of arranged marriage may be followed
for traditional purposes.
Perceptions of Americans concerning the idea of arranged marriage are typically negative
(Hart, 2007). Perceptions and stereotypes about arranged marriage deserve to be addressed
and questioned. Studies have shown that differences in marital satisfaction between
arranged and non-arranged marriage couples are typically insignificant (Myers, Madathil,
and Tingle, 2005). Schwartz (2007) found that ratings of passion, intimacy, and commitment
were not significantly different between arranged and non-arranged marriage groups. Her
study also noted a lower rate of divorce among arranged marriage couples than non-arranged
couples. These findings suggest that there are elements of arranged marriage that benefit
marital quality and satisfaction, and perhaps contribute significantly to longevity and
stability in these marriages.
Madathil and Benshoff (2008) conducted a study comparing Asian Indians in arranged
marriages and Americans in marriages of choice. They looked at three different groups:
Indians in arranged marriage living in India (AI-India), Indians in arranged marriage living
in the United States (AI-US) and non-Indian Americans in marriages of choice living in the
United States (US-Choice). Results indicated that AI-US participants were significantly
more satisfied with their marriages, overall.
Madathil and Benshoff (2008) indicated some of the possible reasons for their results. One
explanation is that the AI-US participants “may enjoy the stability of their arranged
marriages while also living in the U.S. culture that imposes fewer constraints on them than
they might experience at home in India (p. 228).” The goal of this study is to examine what
the elements of arranged marriage are that have contributed to success (satisfaction and
stability) among Indian arranged marriages.
Madathil and Benshoff (2008) suggested that future studies explore the aspect of spiritual or
religious beliefs and practices involved in arranged marriage. Lambert and Dollahite (2008)
found that religious couples reported that involving God in their marriage helped them find
meaning in committing to marriage. Because of the religious aspects involved in most
arranged marriages, the influence of religiosity on the subjects' marriages is investigated.
In summary, the focus of this study is to employ qualitative methods to identify aspects of
arranged marriage that benefit marital satisfaction and permanence, to discover the how and
why of the results found by Madathil and Benshoff (2008). More specifically, this includes:
(a) perceptions of husbands and wives about the aspects of their marriage that are most
208 Journal of Comparative Family Studies
influential to marital satisfaction, (b) how and why these aspects play a role in overall marital
success, and (c) in accordance with the suggestion of Madathil and Benshoff (2008),
includes an examination of religiosity among arranged marriage couples.
This study was exploratory in nature, seeking to avoid pre-conceived notions about arranged
marriage and what deems a marriage successful. According to R.A. Stebbins (2001) “to
explore effectively a given phenomenon, [a researcher] must approach it with two special
orientations: flexibility in looking for data, and open-mindedness about where to find them”
(p.6). As exploratory qualitative research we did not form specific hypotheses but we did
have broad research questions. These included:
1. How do Indians in arranged marriages think about the processes in their marriage?
2. What do Indians in arranged marriages think are the benefits and drawbacks to
arranged marriage?
3. What do Indians in arranged marriages feel makes their marriage successful?
4. How do Indian arranged marriage couples increase love for each other over time?
5. What are some of the cultural practices and traditions that are important to an Indian
arranged marriage couple and why are they important?
6. How do the religious beliefs/practices of an Indian arranged marriage couple
influence their marriage?
METHOD
Sample
The sample for this qualitative study included 33 individuals (18 female, 15 male; age range
26-80 years; M age = 43.2). Of these individuals, 26 were interviewed as couples (with 8 of
the couples interviewed with spouses together, while 5 couples were interviewed with each
of the spouses individually) and 7 were interviewed as individuals, (as the spouse was
unavailable.) All subjects were of Indian ethnicity in the city of Jaipur in the state of
Rajasthan, India. Here it should be mentioned that Rajasthan is not representative of all of
India and in some ways is more feudalistic than other areas of India, with higher levels of
patriarchy and lower status of women. It scores low on many development indicators (R.
Sriram, personal communication, January 26, 2012). All subjects were of the Hindu faith
except for 2 Jains. It should be noted that these two participants designated themselves as
Hindus, and designated their caste as Jain. Subjects varied in caste affiliation and some
responded with their regional origin, rather than their caste (Brahmin, n = 6; Rajput, n = 10;
Punjabi, n = 2; Jain, n = 2; Bania, n = 3; Gujarati, n = 1; Bengali, n = 1; Agarwal, n = 2; Rustic,
n = 6). The number of years married ranged from 4 to 55 years with an average of 19.7 years.
The vast majority were very religious as 26 out of the 33 individuals marked their religious
attendance as “more than weekly,” and only 2 (a married couple) marked “never.”
Participants were selected using a criterion-based purposive sampling strategy. Lofland,
Snow, Anderson, and Lofland (2006) explained, “purposive sampling is appropriate when
the population parameters are not known and/or when you want to learn about select cases or
variation across a set of cases” (p. 91). Since the phenomenon of interest is arranged
marriage, and since the purpose of the study is to identify why and how aspects of arranged
marriage lead to marital satisfaction, the cases that will be most helpful in portraying this
phenomenon are individuals who have experienced their marriage being arranged and who
have achieved high marital satisfaction. Thus, the criteria used to select the sample were that
the participants must have had an arranged marriage, must currently be married to the same
person, and must have a high level of marital satisfaction. This increases the likelihood that
209
“Why Would Such a Person Dream About Heaven?”
“all individuals studied represent people who have experienced the phenomenon”
(Cresswell, 2007, p. 128). It should be mentioned, however, that the methodology applied is
not ideal. Significant limitations arose because the design of the study did not allow for a
comparison to arranged marriage couples with low levels of marriage satisfaction.
Participants were approached at random on the streets in the city of Jaipur. They were also
sought out at a local ashram (a Hindu community-based center for spiritual uplift and
practices including yoga and meditation) and approached through local contacts and their
social networks. The couples and individuals that agreed to participate were then
interviewed.
Interviews
Once participants were found, the following steps were taken: A) They were asked to fill out
the demographic questionnaire. B) They were asked to fill out the Relationship Assessment
Scale (RAS)(Hendrick, 1988). This consisted of 7 questions concerning their satisfaction
with their marriage. The RAS has been used in numerous studies and has been shown to be an
appropriate, useful, and brief measure of relationships across samples of ethnically diverse
and age diverse couples (Hendrick, Dicke, and Hendrick, 1998, Vaughn and Matyastik,
1999). The wording of the items was slightly modified to make it easier for subjects to
understand. The purpose of administering the RAS was to ensure that results focused on
satisfaction in marriage, not just marital longevity. This assessment was distributed in
English, with an interpreter nearby to clarify any confusion. C) If participants scored high on
the RAS (i.e., a score of 21 or higher) they were then asked to give their responses to the
interview questions.
The participants were interviewed by the first author in the place that was most convenient
for the participant, which was usually in his or her home. Others were interviewed at the
ashram or at a relative's or friend's home. Interviews were conducted in English. Three
interpreters, each of which spoke fluent English and Hindi, were used over the course of the
interviewing process. At each interview one of the three accompanied the interviewer in
order to translate and clarify any miscommunication, if the need arose. When couples were
interviewed separately, a female interpreter was used for female participants and a male
interpreter was used for males. This was done in an effort to create a safe environment and to
elicit responses that hopefully were not unduly swayed by the views of the opposite gender. It
was the interviewer's experience that the participants were often very gracious and expressed
enthusiasm about discussing their experiences. They often invited her to eat dinner with
them or offered to show her their favorite sites in Jaipur. The interviewer typically spent a
significant amount of time with their families before the interviews took place, which helped
to build a relationship of trust. Eight couples were interviewed with both spouses present as it
allows couples to “co-create meaning” (Lambert and Dollahite, 2008) and generates a family
context for each response. It was decided that some couples be interviewed individually in
accordance with the reasoning of Seymour et al., (1995) “to encourage greater honesty and to
be sensitive to issues of gender and power.” Spouses in five couples were interviewed
individually. Seven people (2 males, 5 females) were interviewed as individuals, as the
spouse was unavailable.
The first author used “intensive interviewing” to gather the qualitative data. According to
Lofland et al., (2006), this methodology involves “the use of an interview guide consisting of
a list of open ended questions that direct conversation without forcing the interviewee to
select pre-established responses” (p. 17). The interview guide for the arranged marriage
210 Journal of Comparative Family Studies
interviews consisted of 18 open-ended questions that were used to guide the conversation
(e.g., Please describe the way in which your marriage was arranged. What are the most
important values to each of you in your marriage? What are some of the cultural
practices/traditions that are important to you as a couple and why are they important?). Often
follow-up questions were used to clarify the couple's or individual's responses to the original
questions. Most interviews lasted between 30 minutes and one hour. The interviews were
recorded and transcribed following the interviews.
Analysis
The interviews were audio-recorded and, upon return from India, transcribed and checked
for accuracy. A grounded theory method was used (Strauss and Corbin, 1998), utilizing the
interpretation and simplification proposed by LaRossa (2005).
LaRossa suggested three main phases of coding. The first is open coding, in which concepts
are grouped into categories in an effort to uncover major themes. Many themes emerged and
the data was reviewed in order to ensure that each theme had at least two concept-indicators
to support it. Thorough attention was given to each theme to ensure that no potentially
relevant information was overlooked or dismissed.
The second phase is axial coding. During this phase, coding was done in search of LaRossa's
“six C's” which include (1) causes, (2) contexts, (3) contingencies, (4) consequences, (5)
covariances, and (6) conditions. Propositions were developed about relationships between
themes and special focus was directed toward the way in which “saturated variables” related
to one another (Glaser 1992; LaRossa, 2005).
The third phase of coding is selective coding, in which “the main story underlying the
analysis” is decided (LaRossa, 2005, p. 850). During this phase, a core category was
selected, which was “the one variable among all the variables generated during coding that,
in addition to other qualities, is theoretically saturated and centrally relevant” (LaRossa,
2005, p. 851).
After the three phases of coding, an effort was made to refute or challenge the emergent
findings. This, in accordance with Gilgun (2005), involves searching for negative instances
in an attempt to prove initial conclusions false and ascertain whether they withstand this type
of examination/scrutiny. These negative instances are mentioned in the discussion.
RESULTS
As noted previously, the first stage of analysis yielded a great number of themes. In an effort
to identify a core concept, an observation of the supporting data was made, reviewing which
themes were supported by the most quote references. The overwhelming majority of quote
references referred to family involvement (173 references) and religion (155 references).
Sixteen of the 33 participants are given voice here. In the first analysis, an attempt was made
to determine which of these two themes could be subsumed into the other, thus becoming the
core concept with the other as a subtheme. This proved to be very difficult as the data
indicated that both themes influence each other reflexively.
Many of the subthemes that will be discussed relate directly to both family involvement and
religion, and some to only one or the other. Therefore, the core concept will incorporate both
family involvement and religion, and both will be looked at in three general phases of
211
“Why Would Such a Person Dream About Heaven?”
marriage, (a) time leading up to marriage, (b) early and formative years of marriage, and (c)
marital permanence, longevity, and satisfaction. Each of these phases contains subthemes,
each of which is discussed individually in relation to family involvement, religion, or a
combination of the two. The results are presented in a manner driven by the aim to let the
voices of the participants be heard, for they are the witnesses and agents of their reality.
Emphasis is on seeking to understand how the institution of arranged marriage is
experienced by those living it. Therefore analysis and assessment of the comments and ideas
reported in the results will not be attempted until the discussion section.
Family Involvement and Religion in Time Leading up to Marriage
Example of parents and family. Households in India often consist of more than just the
nuclear family. When compared to countries around the world, India had one of the highest
rates of joint families (Ruggles, 2010). According to Singh (2010), about twenty percent of
families in India are joint-families. Derné (1994) mentions that for both urban and village
Hindus, “the most honorable way for a man to live is under one roof with his parents,
brothers, wife, and children” (p. 223). Many Hindu families strive to stick together, and
perhaps because of this children are better able to learn from other members of the family.
There also exists the influence and example of the extended family, which includes aunts,
uncles and grandparents. Many of the participants expressed the way the example of their
families helped them adjust to marriage. Harshikha (all names are pseudonyms), a 30-year-
old homemaker, explained: “It is so natural in us, because of what we have seen in our
parents, to adjust and respect each other. That understanding comes naturally because of the
example that has been set by our parents and our elders.” Similarly, Havish, a 42-year-old
businessman said, “We don't have to contemplate it, we've been raised to do what we do.”
When marriage is an important goal in a culture, preparation takes the form of tacit
socialization by parents in terms of attitudes, values, skills, and the like. Parents make it a
priority to prepare their children for marriage, and begin teaching them when they are young.
Not only are they prepared with knowledge or skills to bring to the marriage, they are
emotionally and psychologically equipped because of the loving treatment they received
from their own parents. Harshad, a 35-year-old farmer, explained how his parents' influence
contributed to his marriage: “I got infinite love from my parents, which makes me a happy
and content soul, which helps me be kind and loving to my spouse.”
Summary: Participants were prepared for their marriages because of the example and love
that had been given to them by their own families.
Parental wisdom in choosing a spouse. Each of the participants had their marriage arranged
by someone other than themselves, usually a family member, and in the majority of cases, it
was the parents. This method required trust in the parents and a belief that the parents truly
know what is best for them. Many of the participants expressed distrust in emotions such as
love. They preferred what they would consider a more objective approach in seeking out a
future spouse. This included an observation of factors such as disposition, habits, financial
stability, social repute, horoscope alignment, and genetic and health history. Many
participants were under the impression that parents can look at the potential marriage
partners objectively and from a standpoint of experience and wisdom. Bharat, a 68-year-old
retired government teacher said: “Parents are more fit to choose a partner because they have
experience and know what will be best for their children.”
Affirming this notion were the feelings of many of the participants who mentioned that their
212 Journal of Comparative Family Studies
213
parents had, in fact, picked the right person for them. They were glad that they had trusted
their parents and gone through with the marriage. Seema, a 39-year-old homemaker, said:
They proposed this guy to me and at the time I was very much not ready for marriage as I
had just finished college. There was so much I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to
pursue my higher studies. . . . But, I trusted my family as they assured me that everything
would be fine and that it would be a good future for me. And now I am very happy and it
[is] a good marriage.
Summary: The participants felt that parents were more appropriate to choose a spouse,
because of their experience. They found joy and satisfaction in the spouse chosen for them
and reported a grateful attitude that they had put their trust in their parents' judgment.
Family and religion-related expectations. When asked about the expectations participants
had for their spouse prior to marriage, the most frequent answers pertained to familial and
religious factors. For most families, the key component for a future spouse was identical
religion, and more specifically, identical caste. If this factor was not identical for both
parties, there was no effort made to investigate the potential spouse further. Secondary
importance was placed on family devotion, particularly regarding serving the elders. Instead
of seeking for a wife who would make him happy, Hanumant, a 57-year-old government
service officer, expressed that his expectations were simply for his wife to make his parents
happy: “My expectations were for my wife to respect my parents and fulfill their needs in
their old age. She has done this very well. This was the only expectation.”
Furthermore, wives expected this for themselves as well. Instead of seeking a man who
would fulfill her expectations and contribute to her happiness, Seema, a 39-year-old
homemaker, focused on how she could best fulfill the expectations of her in-laws:
My focus was not on what I am expecting of my husband. My focus was on what my
husband was expected to do for his family and what I am expected to do as a daughter-in-
law for his family. These concerns were more important, so I didn't really think about it.
Each participant made it a priority to determine what would be expected of them by their
future in-laws, and this is what they focused on contributing to the marriage. As both spouses
worked together to satisfy the elders, they were able to grow together and show love for each
other. Jeeval, a 36-year-old businessman, said:
Love in America, what you have, is certainly different than in India . . . love is to
understand the other person's needs and put their interests above your own. Love is also
giving to the elders. This is very important. All this comes together to form love. My
respect to her parents will always win her heart. And her taking care of my parents is also
the way she can show her love to me.
Summary: Expectations, concerning spouse and self, were centered on 1) having the same
religion, and 2) service to family, particularly the elders. As husband and wife served their
elders together, they grew in love for each other.
Influence of Family and Religion during Early and Formative Years of Marriage
Family and religious-centered activities. The great majority of the participants devoted
much time to both family and religious activities. In fact, often these were one and the same,
“Why Would Such a Person Dream About Heaven?”
as the religion inspired families to spend a great deal of time together and to make family
activities out of religious activities. Mahesh, a 37-year-old medical representative, said, “We
have the same attitude toward God and this brings us together.” He realized how much this
unity in religion created unity in family life. This perhaps explains the reason why the first
criterion in seeking out a spouse is that they are of the same religion and caste. Seema, a 39-
year-old homemaker said:
Indians are very traditional and very ritualistic. Here, when you are married and you are
performing pooja [prayer] or any holy prayer or any religious practice, it is required that
you do it together. It is not considered complete if both husband and wife are not
involved. Festivals and special occasions should always be honored together. Only then
is it complete. . . . Unity brings the blessings of God.
Not only is it important to be together for the big festivals and special celebrations, but they
make a point to do things together daily. To them, the little things are just as important as the
big things. Gandhar, a 40-year-old government teacher, said:
We always pray together morning and evening and this creates unity. We eat from the
same plate. In the morning when my children go to school, at that time both she and I are
in the kitchen and then we read together and have tea together. We take care of
household duties together.
Many participants agreed with Dayaram, a 47-year-old real estate investor, who explained
that having the same religion helps him and his wife overcome conflict: “If there is tension
between us or if we don't want to be together, our religion will bring us back together because
it requires that of us. We are united through our religion. It brings us closer.”
Summary: Significant amounts of time were dedicated to religion and family, as religion
requires families to worship together. This created unity, and was inspired by a desire to
receive the blessings of God. Household duties and family service were considered sacred
responsibilities.
Family and religious-centered values. Importance was placed on various values by the
participants. Two values were repeatedly discussed much more frequently and in far more
depth than the others: understanding and fidelity.
The majority of the couples had very little contact with each other before marriage and in
some cases they had never seen each other. Because they did not have time to get to know
each other, many explained that they did not love each other at the time of their marriage, but
that the love came afterwards, as they sought to understand each other. While most couples in
the United States would say that love is absolutely essential to the marriage, the participants
in India seemed to define love in a different way, and mention understanding as the most
important thing. In the words of Manisha, a 53-year-old homemaker, “Understanding is the
most important for a good marriage.” Harshikha, a 30-year-old homemaker explained how
this understanding develops into love:
To increase love, first of all understanding is important. Whatever understanding we
have of each other is very important in creating the love we have. We have great
understanding, and this is what makes our marriage good compared to most. This
understanding comes in the way you are caring for each other. From that we can
understand what the other is thinking for me. The caring and understanding has grown
deeper and deeper and we are more in love now than when we got married.
214 Journal of Comparative Family Studies
Jeeval, a 36-year-old businessman, also stated:
We take the time to understand each other. After getting married we realized that
understanding requires us to respect each other's point of view . . . obstacles come when
you cease to try to understand the other person, when you try and just do the things that
you wish should be done, and don't understand the emotions of the other person. . . .
Understanding comes from time and effort. There is no formula for it. It takes a desire to
understand.
Jeeval admitted that it takes work to understand each other, and there must be a desire
present. Perhaps this desire was enhanced by the fact that in some cases the two spouses
didn't know each other at all at the time of the marriage. This inspired them, from the early
moments of their marriage, to make a habit out of working at the marriage, and devoting the
proper time and effort to understanding one another. They then allow that understanding to
become a loving bond between them.
Faithfulness between spouses was also very important to each of the participants. The
majority of participants explained that their religious convictions strengthened their
commitment to fidelity. Manisha, a 53-year-old homemaker said, “I believe in God. If I cheat
on my husband, God will never forgive me. I believe this. This belief is what matters a lot. It
creates a bonding between us.”
Manisha's religious life strengthened her relationship with God and encouraged her to avoid
actions, such as infidelity, that she felt would displease God. This devotion to God and a
desire to do right was also expressed by Naina, a 30-year-old homemaker:
Religion completely influences our marriage. There is a fear of religious wrongdoing
which keeps us away from bad thoughts about marriage or our spouse. We are only
doing right when we are doing right to our spouse. Marriage is extremely sacred. I must
keep my marital vows. This includes being completely faithful and dedicated to my
husband.
Harshad, a 35-year-old farmer, said that he regarded his marriage as sacred as well and found
enhanced loyalty and dedication because of this:
I feel fear of God if I do wrong to my spouse. This keeps me loyal and dedicated to my
spouse. I consider my wife to be half of my spiritual being, my social status, my
finances, my existence. Life is incomplete without my wife.
Summary: Understanding and fidelity were mentioned as critical factors to the success of the
marriage. As participants took the time and effort to understand each other, love emerged in
their marriages. Many participants claimed that this understanding was the most important
factor that contributed to the success of their marriage. Fidelity was strengthened by
commitment to religious convictions.
Influence of Family and Religion on Marital Longevity and Satisfaction
Commitment and devotion to family and God. Many of the participants mentioned the way
their religion influenced them in their commitment to their marriages. Ketika, a 38-year-old
homemaker, explained that divorce was simply not an option:
215
“Why Would Such a Person Dream About Heaven?”
As we pray for each other, our love for each other is strengthened. God will help us. We
make promises to God and to each other when we are married. We follow the path of
these promises and it creates a unity and strength and commitment between us. Divorce
is never an option. The only option is to work through problems and to love each other.
Naina, a 30-year-old homemaker, explained the sanctity of marriage and the way it inspires
commitment:
Here we take every effort to take care of our matrimonial life. The most sacred thing for
me is to be bound to my husband and my womanhood. . . . The heart is always
changing—it is unstable, you must not rely on your heart, you must rely on principles.
Commit to loyalty, devotion, and compromise.
Yamir, a 40-year-old man in the corporate service, spoke about the way religion influenced
him and his wife in regard to their attitude about marriage. He said:
Marriage is a spiritually sacred thing for us . . . First of all we've never taken anything in
our marriage as a burden. We've taken it as a challenge which is a part of life. We took it
positively and we met the challenge in low and high tides. We stick to each other and our
bond remains firm even in the testing times. We attribute this secret as the single reason
for the success of our marriage. Marriage is a self-created thing, when a person needs a
spouse he is attracted to this particular cause, but after a while it becomes a burden and
he loses the enthusiasm. A person must fight this with ingenious capabilities and
commitment.
Summary: The participants expressed the view that when they get married they are
committing themselves to God and to their spouse, and to them, this meant that a deviation
from this commitment was simply not an option. The only option was to continue on, to
choose to work through hardship, and to devote themselves to loving their spouse and to
achieving happiness and marital success.
Happiness inspired by family and religion. When asked the greatest source of happiness in
marriage, almost all of the participants mentioned family and religion. Achieving this
family-oriented goal is what brought peace and contentedness. Ketika, a 38-year-old
homemaker, also demonstrated a focus on family as the greatest source of happiness. She
said:
My family is worth every sacrifice I have done. Our religion and dedication to God is a
source of great happiness in our marriage. Our unity on this point is what creates this
happiness. We love each other very much and make an effort to make each other happy.
Being united in religious attitudes creates unity in the family, leading to happiness. Tej, a 38-
year-old carpenter, said:
The happiest thing for me in my marriage is that I'm proud to have a woman who
glorifies womanhood, Hindu culture, my family, and me. A person who has a graceful
wife, obedient children, and a true guru who shows you the path to do the right thing in
this life—why would such a person dream about heaven?
Summary: Family and religion were not only the means of achieving happiness for the
participants, but they were also the most motivating factors. They were the things which
ultimately brought the most joy to the participants.
216 Journal of Comparative Family Studies
DISCUSSION
The results that emerged from this study are not unique to these particular marriages and
could be considered normative expectations within the institution of arranged marriage.
Therefore, the thing that sets these marriages apart and contributes to their success is the
how, the way each couple utilizes these factors within their marriages. In order to fully
examine this, a follow-up study is needed, comparing these results with results of arranged
marriage couples who have low rates of marital satisfaction. This discussion will examine
societal explanations as well as evaluate the results found in this study alongside findings of
similar research.
Societal Explanations
Indian society dictates many social norms and social expectations that shape marriage as an
institution, including class, caste, and gender. Little research discusses the relationship
between socio-economic status and marital satisfaction among Indians in arranged
marriages. Most of the research is focused on the caste system, which is often closely linked
with class. Research done in the west shows that financial and marital issues may be related
(Kerkmann, Lee, Lown, and Allgood, 2000). Based on this research, it is clear that an
investigation of the economic means of the participants is needed. This was not a focus of the
present study and was not a factor reported by the participants, but is a suggestion for future
research.
The caste system in India is the foundation upon which all of Hindu society is built (Saha,
1993). It has been in place for hundreds of years and dictates, based on heredity, the social
status of families in India. It defines what jobs or professions one may pursue as well as
whom one may marry (Niranjan, 2005). This system is so strict that there are numerous
reports of violence against those who violate it (Yardley, 2010, and Clark, 2002). Caste was
not a dominant theme that emerged from this research, but that is probably because it was
taken for granted. This is another concept deserving of further investigation.
Beyond the caste system, there are other social pressures and influences that affect marital
relations. Among a culture that highly values marriage and family and views it as having
sacred qualities, divorce is not socially acceptable. Pothen (1989) examined aspects of
divorce in a Hindu society. Fear of social stigma was one of the main reasons why unhappy
marriage partners delayed seeking divorce. For this reason, the present study defined the
term “success” as a high degree of marital satisfaction. Although rare, the idea of social
pressure and influence did come up in the present research. For many, particularly women,
the influence of society can be negative and this leads to a discussion of gender issues in
India.
Gender roles may be considered as a collection of behaviors and attitudes a culture
prescribes as appropriate or natural for men and women (Carroll and Wolpe, 1996). Social
structural theories point out that men and women “seek to accommodate to sex-typical roles
by acquiring skills and resources that facilitate successful role performance and by adapting
their social behavior to role requirements” (Eagly, 2000, p. 441). Williams and Best (1994)
measured sex role ideology across 14 countries and found that the most male-dominated
ideologies were in Nigeria, Pakistan, and India. India is a patriarchal society, and men
generally assume greater power than women.
Based on interviews with Hindu men, Derné (1994) reported that most of his participants felt
217
“Why Would Such a Person Dream About Heaven?”
that restrictions should be placed upon their wives, including limitations on their interactions
outside the home and even limitations on the strength of the relationship between husband
and wife. These limitations are imposed in order to keep the wife in a dependent and
submissive role. A few participants in the present study mentioned this. When asked about
expectations she had prior to marriage, Nadiya (interviewed alone), a 34-year-old teacher,
responded:
I was thinking about what I would do in case I wanted to leave him and establishing
myself to be independent. Because it generally happens that women in India are
dominated by men and that's why I didn't want to be stuck in a situation like that and lose
my identity.
Most participants, however, gave responses that contradicted the idea of limited interaction
between men and women, as they emphasized time (spent together with their spouse) and
understanding as factors contributing to their marital satisfaction. Of course it is possible
that few women spoke of dissatisfaction with gender role issues because of the presence of
their husbands.
In joint-family situations women enter as strangers and have no choice but to adapt and
conform to the role given them by the husband's family (D'Cruz and Bharat, 2001). It is a
matter of survival, as the option of divorce is not promising, typically leaving the divorced
woman as single and dependent on parents or brothers, without prospects for getting
remarried (Mulatti, 1995, Singh, 2010). Pothen's research (1989) indicates that divorce is a
much more difficult situation for women than men in Indian society. Typically, it is in the
interest of wives to work hard to make their marriages work rather than to look for a way out
(Pothen, 1989, Singh, 2010). Sacrifice (47 references) was the third most referenced theme
after family involvement (173 references) and religion (155 references). The majority of
these references were mentioned by women, which could give credence to the idea that
wives are required to work/adjust/sacrifice more than husbands in order to make their
marriages work.
Indian legislation is working to break down these gender barriers. Women's status in India is
changing due to industrialization, modernization, and urbanization (Ramu, 1988, Tiwari and
Ghadially, 2009). Changes have been made in legislation regarding equality, rights to
ancestral property, divorce, and abortion. Greater opportunities for employment and
education are available to women and ideas about the female gender role are changing due to
women's studies courses (Tiwari and Ghadially, 2009). Harshikha, a 30-year-old
homemaker, explained the changes between the generations. She said:
There is a contrast in the generations. In the past the woman was expected to do all things
perfectly and take care of everything perfectly. I'm not so concerned with this, my
duties, but the most important value for me is the understanding. When he comes home
he can understand that I am busy with the toddler and he's not too pushy about food or
anything. He cooperates. In the older time the woman was totally homemaker and
completely concerned about taking care of her husband. The new generation is different.
The younger couples are a little more relaxed and we simply focus on understanding.
This quote is representative of a definite change of ideals and perspective in the younger
generations. However, these changes are slow to permeate all of India, and the majority of
women, particularly those in rural regions, have not yet reaped the benefits of these social
reforms (Singh, 2010).
218 Journal of Comparative Family Studies
Despite some of these ideological changes, a continuity and preservation of tradition is also
honored. According to Netting (2010), the younger Indian generation, specifically the upper
middle class, are incorporating two approaches into their marriage system. They have
perhaps created a new method, a “hybrid system,” of finding a spouse by combining a
commitment “to support their parents and their families' cherished customs while
maintaining a conjugal partnership that is intimate, egalitarian, and loving” (p. 721-722).
This “hybrid system” could relate back to the results of Madathil and Benshoff (2008) who
found the AI-US group to have the highest rates of marital satisfaction. They mentioned that
perhaps the reason for this is because of the stability of the arranged marriage in a climate
allowing for more individual freedoms and equality, which could also be explained as a type
of “hybrid system.”
In summary, extensive variations in relationships between husband and wife exist. While the
majority of marital relations in India are still male-dominated, there exist marriages that are
more egalitarian in nature. The effect of these variations on marital satisfaction of wives and
husbands is a topic deserving of further investigation.
Family Involvement
Hodge (2004) referenced the difference between a U.S. society mind-set and a Hindu
mindset. He explained that concepts valued in Western society (autonomy, individualism,
materialism, secularism) are in direct contrast with those valued among the Hindu culture
(interdependence, community, and divinity). These Hindu ideals surfaced throughout the
present study. The participants were raised in homes in which family involvement was
extensive and many participants commented on the influence this had on their marriages.
They claimed that they were better prepared for marriage because of the example and love
that had been shown them by their parents and family. This is consistent with the findings of
Amato (2005), who, using a U.S. sample, indicated that children who learn interpersonal
skills from their parents, such as respect, communication, negotiation and compromise, have
more positive relationships with their future intimate partners.
Another benefit of family involvement was the parental wisdom involved in choosing a
marriage partner. Perhaps one of the factors that contributed to the rise of divorce in
American society is the idea of “being in love” as the preeminent determining factor in
marriage. The work of Coontz (2007) suggests that the source of our modern divorce pattern
is the shift in focus to “the concentration of emotion, passion, personal identity, and self-
validation in the couple relationship” (pp. 8-9). Because parents are typically not prone to the
sometimes irrational emotion and passion involved in the courting process, they may be
more effective in selecting the best mate for their child. Indians view the idea of love as more
of a choice, rather than something such as “chemistry.” In contemporary American culture,
romantic love is considered very important to marriage and is a basis upon which to marry
(Dion and Dion, 1991). Also, the disappearance of love is considered justification for ending
a marriage (Simpson, Campbell, and Berscheid, 1986). The results of this study present the
possibility that increased focus on intergenerational relationships might help couples
strengthen their marriage. If couples worked harder on building strong relationships with
extended family members it might work to diffuse some of the pressure that comes when
something as fickle as romance is the sole basis for relationship stability.
Unrealistic Expectations
Unmet expectations can result in hardships in a marriage. Research by Ruvolo and Veroff
(1997) suggests that discrepancies between idealized expectations and marital reality
correlate negatively with marital well-being. Expectations among the participants in this
219
“Why Would Such a Person Dream About Heaven?”
study seemed to be minimal and those that existed focused on family respect and religious
attitudes. The attitude seemed to be more about living up to what was expected of them,
rather than achieving their own expectations. Perhaps more specific expectations were not
discussed because they are taken for granted. This seemed to be the case particularly
regarding gender roles. Almost all of the wives in the study designated their occupation as
housewife, despite a high number of them that had advanced educations and opportunities
for work outside the home. This could be a sign of gender based oppression, role self-
assignment, or role adoption by the women in the sample. Although participants responded
as having low expectations prior to marriage, it should be kept in mind that they may not be
accounting for the expectations that are dictated to them by society.
Similarity in Background and Religion
It appears that one of the most important factors leading to marital success among Indians in
arranged marriages is that they come from the same caste, thus presumably a similar socio-
economic-cultural background. In addition, they have the same religion accompanied by
significant commitment to their faith. A large body of research has indicated that, other
things being equal, similarity in important things is related to the success and stability of a
marriage. This similarity provides a firm foundation for a couple to build their own marriage
on and provides a set of common expectations and cultural understandings that can help
couples when the inevitable diminishment of romantic feelings occurs.
The results show that religiosity is one of the things that directly and extensively influences
the quality of marriage among these Hindu respondents. In Hindu homes, significant
amounts of time are dedicated to religion and family, as Hinduism requires families to
worship together. For them, this unity in religion created unity in family life, inspired
cooperation and fidelity, and assisted them in overcoming marital conflict.
Coinciding with these results, research in the area of fidelity by Atkins, Baucom, and
Jacobsen (2001) showed religion being a protective factor against infidelity. On a qualitative
level, Dollahite and Lambert (2007) examined how subjects of Christian, Jewish, and
Muslim faiths pulled from their religious beliefs and practices in order to stay faithful to their
marital vows. These reasons included a belief in the sanctity of marriage, respect for
religious vows, strengthened moral values, and a desire to please God. Each of these reasons
was present among Hindus in the current study.
A now substantial body of research findings have generally supported the idea that there is a
strong, positive relationship between religiosity and reduced marital conflict (Curtis and
Ellison, 2002). Concerning this relationship, similarities were found between the present
research and research done by Lambert and Dollahite (2006) in particular regard to the
effectiveness of the ideas of shared vision and purpose, relational virtues, couple prayer, and
commitment to relationship permanence.
Choice and Marital Success.
Given the very high divorce rates in contemporary marriage, it is clear that having complete
freedom in choice of marital partner does not guarantee marital success or stability.
Conversely, given the results of the current study, it is also clear that having the choice of
marital partner determined to some extent by others, does not preclude a great deal of success
and happiness in marriage. Thus, there must be factors beyond choice of mate that lead to the
success or failure of marriage. It appears that choices made throughout a marriage have more
220 Journal of Comparative Family Studies
to do with marital happiness than merely choice in mate selection. Once a marriage is under
way there are a plethora of choices involving attitudes, behaviors, efforts, commitments, and
a host of other factors that contribute to marital success and happiness.
Limitations and Future Directions
For the exploratory purposes of this study the sample was intentionally limited to married
individuals living in Jaipur, India, who had experienced an arranged marriage and reported a
high level of marital satisfaction. Because of the purposive sample, a small sample size of
one religious faith, and only one location within India, conclusions cannot be generalized to
the overall population. The methodology practiced in this study is not ideal and represents a
major limitation. Although the results held up among differing castes, levels of education,
and number of years married, the design of the study did not allow for a comparison to
arranged marriage couples with low levels of marriage satisfaction. Because of this, it is not
possible to rule out alternative explanations. Future work should include Indians in
marriages of choice, individuals with differing levels of marital satisfaction, a wider scope of
religious affiliation, and a broadening of the geographic locality of subjects. This study
relied on self-report measures and in-depth interviews, with the limitation that participants
may underreport or distort various beliefs and behaviors. Finally, a longitudinal approach
should be included in future work, as the current study assessed marital satisfaction limited
to only one point in time.
CONCLUSION
The present findings suggest that marital satisfaction in arranged marriage is mainly the
result of a) example of parents and family; b) parental wisdom in choosing a spouse; c)
family and religious-related expectations; d) family support; e) family and religious-
centered activities; f) family-oriented sacrifices; g) family and religious-centered values; h)
commitment and devotion to family and God; and i) happiness inspired by family and
religion. These findings broaden our understanding of the experience of arranged marriage.
This is particularly useful because of the relative lack of research on the subject and the
continuing prevalence of arranged marriage as a marital practice across numerous cultures
and subcultures worldwide.
That family and religious involvement are key elements in the marital satisfaction of
individuals in an arranged marriage has important implications for counseling professionals.
These results can bring awareness to counselors of diverse marital experiences and inform
them of factors that contribute to marital success within the scope of clients in arranged
marriages. Greater efforts can be made to perpetuate religious traditions and rituals and
strengthen family ties. Perhaps religious leaders and families may benefit from the
knowledge gained from this research and experiment with implementing some of the things
that worked for this group into similar groups in an effort to strengthen the marital quality of
couples that place importance on family and religion.
REFERENCES
Amato, P. R. (2005). The impact of family formation change on the cognitive, social, and emotional
well-being of the next generation. The Future of Children, 15(2), 75-96.
Atkins, D. C., Baucom, D. H., and Jacobson, N. S. (2001). Understanding infidelity: Correlates in a
national random sample. Journal of Family Psychology, 15(4), 735-749.
221
“Why Would Such a Person Dream About Heaven?”
Bennett, K. M. (2005). Psychological wellbeing in later life: The longitudinal effects of marriage,
widowhood and marital status change. International Journal of Geriatric Psychiatry, 20(3), 280-284.
Carroll, J. L., and Wolpe, P. R. (1996). Sexuality and gender in society. New York: HarperCollins
Publishers
Clarke, S. (2002). Dalits overcoming violation and violence. Ecumenical Review, 54(3), 278-295.
Coontz, S. (2007). The origins of modern divorce. Family Process, 46(1), 7-16.
Cooperman, J. (2004). Many models of marriage can and do exist. National Catholic Reporter, 40(12),
16-16.
Cresswell, J. W. (2007). Qualitative inquiry and research: Choosing among five approaches. Thousand
Oaks, CA: Sage.
Curtis, K. T., and Ellison, C. (2002). Religious heterogamy and marital conflict. Journal of Family
Issues, 23, 551-576.
D'Cruz, P., and Bharat, S. (2001). Beyond joint and nuclear: The Indian family revisited. Journal of
Comparative Family Studies, 32(2), 167-194.
Derné, S. (1994). Hindu men talk about controlling women: Cultural ideas as a tool of the powerful.
Sociological Perspectives, 37(2), 203-227.
Dion, K. K., and Dion, K. L. (1991). Psychological individualism and romantic love. Journal of Social
Behavior and Personality, 6(1), 17-33.
Dollahite, D. and Lambert, N. (2007). Forsaking all others: How religious involvement promotes
marital fidelity in Christian, Jewish, and Muslim couples. Review of Religious Research, 48(3), 290-
307.
Eagly, A. H. (2000). Gender, sex, and culture: Sex differences and gender differences. In A. E. Kazdin,
and A. E. Kazdin (Eds.), Encyclopedia of psychology, vol. 3. (pp. 436-442). Washington, DC New
York, NY USUS: American Psychological Association; Oxford University Press.
Frech, A., and Williams, K. (2007). Depression and the psychological benefits of entering marriage.
Journal of Health and Social Behavior, 48(2), 149-163.
Gilgun, J. F. (2005). Deductive qualitative analysis and family theory building. In V. L. Bengtson, D.
Klein, A. Acock, K. Allen, and P. Dilworth-Anderson (Eds.), Sourcebook of family theory and research
(pp. 83-84). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.
Glaser, Barney G. (1992) Basics of grounded theory analysis: emergence vs. forcing. Mill Valley, CA:
Sociology Press.
Hart, K. (2007). Love by arrangement: The ambiguity of 'spousal choice' in a Turkish village. Journal
of the Royal Anthropological Institute, 13(2), 345-362.
Hendrick, S. S. (1988). A generic measure of relationship satisfaction. Journal of Marriage and the
Family, 50(1), 93.
Hendrick, S. S., Dicke, A., and Hendrick, C. (1998). The relationship assessment scale. Journal of
Social and Personal Relationships, 15(1), 137-142.
Hodge, D. R. (2004). Working with Hindu clients in a spiritually sensitive manner. Social Work, (49),
1-1.
Kerkmann, B. S., Lee, T. R., Lown, J. M., Allgood, S. M. (2000). Financial management, financial
problems and marital satisfaction among recently married university students. Financial Counseling
and Planning, 11(2), 55-65.
Lambert, N. M., and Dollahite, D. C. (2006). How religiosity helps couples prevent, resolve, and
overcome marital conflict. Family Relations: An Interdisciplinary Journal of Applied Family Studies,
55(4), 439-449.
Lambert, N. M., and Dollahite, D. C. (2008). The threefold cord: Marital commitment in religious
couples. Journal of Family Issues, 29, 592-614.
.
222 Journal of Comparative Family Studies
LaRossa, R. (2005). Grounded theory methods and qualitative family research. Journal of Marriage
and Family, 67(4), 837-857.
Lofland, J., Snow, D., Anderson, L., and Lofland, L. H. (2006). Analyzing social settings: A guide to
qualitative observation and analysis. Toronto, Ontario, Canada: Wadsworth.
Madathil, J., and Benshoff, J. M. (2008). Importance of marital characteristics and marital satisfaction:
A comparison of Asian Indians in arranged marriages and Americans in marriages of choice. The
Family Journal, 16(3), 222-230.
Mulatti, L. (1995). Families in India: Beliefs and practices. Journal of Comparative Family Studies,
26(1), 11-26.
Myers, J. E., Madathil, J., and Tingle, L. R. (2005). Marriage satisfaction and wellness in India and the
United States: A preliminary comparison of arranged marriages and marriages of choice. Journal of
Counseling and Development, 83(2), 183-190.
Netting, N. S. (2010). Marital Ideoscapes in 21st-Century India: Creative Combinations of Love
and Responsibility. Journal of Family Issues, 31(6), 707-726.
Niranjan, S., Nair, S., and Roy, T. K. (2005). A socio-demographic analysis of the size and structure of
the family in India. Journal of Comparative Family Studies, 36(4), 623-651.
Nock, S. L. (2007). The positive impact of marriage on society: The case for public policy. In A. S.
Loveless, T. B. Holman, A. S. Loveless and T. B. Holman (Eds.), The family in the new millennium:
World voices supporting the 'natural' clan vol 2: Marriage and human dignity. (pp. 86-97). Westport,
CT US: Praeger Publishers/Greenwood Publishing Group.
Pothen, S. (1989). Divorce in Hindu society. Journal of Comparative Family Studies, 20(3), 377-392.
Ramu, G. N. (1988). Marital roles and power: Perceptions and reality in the urban setting. Journal of
Comparative Family Studies, 19(2), 207-227.
Ruggles, S. (2010). Stem families and joint families in comparative historical perspective. Population
and Development Review, 36(3), 563-577.
Ruvolo, A. P., and Veroff, J. (1997). For better or for worse: Real-ideal discrepancies and the marital
well-being of newlyweds. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 14(2), 223-242.
Saha, A. (1993). The caste system in India and its consequences. International Journal of Sociology
and Social Policy, 13(3), 1-76.
Schwartz, S. A. (2007). The relationship between love and marital satisfaction in arranged and
romantic Jewish couples. ProQuest Information and Learning). Dissertation Abstracts International:
Section B: The Sciences and Engineering, 68(4), 2716-2716. (2007-99200-507)
Seymour, J., Dix, G., and Eardley, T. (1995). Joint accounts: Methodology and practice in research
interviews with couples. New York: University of York, Social Policy Research Unit.
Simpson, J. A., Campbell, B., and Berscheid, E. (1986). The association between romantic love and
marriage: Kephart (1967) twice revisited. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 12(3), 363-372.
Singh, J.P. (2010). India's changing family and state intervention. The Eastern Anthropologist, 63(1),
17-40.
Stebbins, R. A. (2001). Exploratory research in the social sciences. Sage University Papers Series on
Qualitative Research Methods, Vol. 48. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.
Strauss, A., and Corbin, J. (1998). Basics of qualitative research. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage
Publishing.
ten Veen, R. C. (2005). Arranged marriages are not necessarily forced marriages. Christian Science
Monitor, 97(224), 8-8.
Tiwari, N., and Ghadially, R. (2009). Changing gender roles of emerging adults in Bhopal (India): A
gender and generational analysis. Journal of Psychosocial Research, 4(2), 321-338.
223
“Why Would Such a Person Dream About Heaven?”
Vaughn, M. J., and Matyastik Baier, M. E. (1999). Reliability and validity of the relationship
assessment scale. American Journal of Family Therapy, 27(2), 137-147.
Waite, L. J.and Gallagher, M. (2000). The Case for marriage: Why married people are happier,
healthier, and better off financially. New York: Doubleday.
Williams, J.E. and Best, D.L, (1994). Masculinity/femininity in the self and ideal self descriptions of
university students in 14 countries. In A.-M. Bouvy, F.J.R. van de Vijver, P. Boski, and P. Schmitz
(Eds.), Journeys into cross-cultural psychology (pp. 297-306). Lisse: Swets and Zeitlinger.
Yardley, J. (2010). In India, castes, honor and killings intertwine. New York, New York, US: New York
Times Company.
Zaidi, A. U., and Shuraydi, M. (2002). Perceptions of arranged marriages by young Pakistani Muslim
women living in a western society. Journal of Comparative Family Studies, 33(4), 495.
224 Journal of Comparative Family Studies
Appendix
Relationship Assessment Scale (Hendrick, 1988)
Please rate the following statements regarding your marital satisfaction on a scale:
1 (strongly disagree), 2 (disagree), 3 (agree), 4 (strongly agree).
1. My spouse meets my needs. 1 2 3 4
2. In general I am satisfied with my marriage. 1 2 3 4
3. My marriage is good, compared to most. 1 2 3 4
4. I often wish I hadn't gotten into this marriage. 1 2 3 4
5. My marriage has met my original expectations. 1 2 3 4
6. I love my spouse. 1 2 3 4
7. There are problems in our marriage. 1 2 3 4
225
“Why Would Such a Person Dream About Heaven?”
