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International Conference KNOWLEDGE-
BASED ORGANIZATION
Vol. XXI No 1 2015
EMPATHIC AND ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION. EFFICIENT
COMMUNICATION DEVELOPMENTS
Oana-Antonia ILIE, Ileana-Gentilia METEA
“Nicolae Bălcescu” Land Forces Academy, Sibiu,
antonia_ilie@yahoo.com, meteaileana@yahoo.de
Abstract: We are always confronted with situations in which prevailing socially is strictly a matter of
conversational technique. First, empathy and the mirroring of the other's emotional states and
gestures is a must of efficient communication. Secondly, in order to prevent conflict situations one
must learn to communicate assertively. Empathic communication is the ability or talent of knowing
what other people feel and is essential when we want to produce or generate feedback. Assertive
communication refers to the ability to express feelings and choices in a way that the self-esteem and
feelings of others are not affected. A person who has these communicative competences will know to
express wishes and feelings, to refuse and express opinions without offending the others, while
maintaining a favorable impression and self-control.
Keywords: empathy, communication, assertive communication, active listening
1. Empathy and empathic
communication
Empathy and the empathic phenomena have
become a subject of scientific research in
the field of psychology in the early
twentieth century. In the recent years, a first
acception of the term refers to the ability to
understand and, to some extent, participate
in the feelings of another person, a
psychological phenomenon of
identification, entrance in mental
symbiosis, emotional involvement, insight,
intuition, and process of mutual
understanding of another person. Empathy
is also regarded as an attempt to distinguish
a certain subjective experience of the other
by substitution with him/her, which brings
empathy close to the cognitive experiences.
In empathy, "we substitute ourselves to
others" [1] empathy becoming a way of
knowing, of sharing someone else’s
feelings, views and perspectives.
In Webster’s Dictionary, for empathy, there
are two entries:
1. an imaginative projection of a subjective
state, conative, or cognitive, in an object so
that the object appears to be infused with it;
2. the ability to participate in or to
experience a substitution of will or ideas
with the others, their movements leading to
the execution of common, similar actions.
In the Dictionary of Psychology, empathy
appears as a mental condition in which an
individual identifies himself with another
individual or group, or feels their condition.
Empathy represents an emotional
understanding of other people’s behavior
based on one’s own behavioral experiences.
The term is the translation of the term
Einfühlung, used by Th. Lipps to indicate a
process by which one observes a gesture of
someone else, imitates it, then invokes by
imitation the emotional experience
previously lived and projects this
experience on the other [2]. Empathy is
further identified with a phenomenon of
resonance, of affective communication with
the other, situated at the basis of
DOI: 10.1515/kbo-2015-0035
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identification and understanding of the
psychology of another. Gh. Mead, in Mind,
Self and Society states that empathy, as a
process of role assuming, is a constituent
part of social intelligence. Empathy is also
the transposition of an individual in the
imaginative thinking, way of living and
acting of another and thereby structuring of
the world according to the other, or the
ability to put oneself in another person's
place, establishing relationships and
anticipating reactions, moods and behaviors
[3], the empathic ability becomming the
individual variable capacity to assume
another person’s role.
Empathy is indicated by Daniel Goleman as
one of the components of the emotional
intelligence. In his book, The Emotional
Intelligence, he affirms that the inability to
detect the feelings of others indicates an
imbalance in emotional intelligence and
therefore it represents a tragic failure in
human communication [4].
This ability, the talent of knowing what
other people feel, comes into play in large
areas of life, from sales to management,
parental affection to love, from compassion
to political action. The lack of empathy is
detected in psychopaths, criminals, rapists
and child molesters.
Emotions are not most often revealed at the
level of verbal communication, they are
rarely translated into words, more often
there are other indices that we can interpret
with the help of our empathic capacity. One
of the empirical rules provided by the
research in the field of communication is
that 90% or more of the emotional message
is conveyed nonverbally. The key of
intuition of someone else's feelings will be
in the ability to interpret the nonverbal
signs, the tone of voice, the gestures, the
facial expression, the mimicry, etc.
"When the words of someone disagree with
what is actually transmited it at the level of
tone of voice, gestures and other nonverbal
channels, the emotional truth lies in the
way one says something and not in what is
said" [5].
As Hoffmann states, the roots of altruism
lie in empathy, the same as the roots of
morality, perhaps even of human
communication in general.
Empathy has four components - affective,
cognitive, behavioral, and communicative.
The communication function of empathy
indicates a connection between the adaptive
modalities and those of interpersonal
relations. Any verbal or nonverbal
communication act implies an implicit
communication reaction that supports and
complements the previous, of the
empathetic type. In the act of
communication a transposition in the
partner’s psychology will take place, a
participation to his universe by adopting
attitudes or behaviors that will mirror the
other’s state of mind. The communication
function imposes empathy as a condition of
beneficial interpersonal communication [6].
F.Held and J. Maucorps believes that if
there is no empathy there can be no
communication with the other. Not
accidentally, in some dictionaries, empathy
is defined as a communication method,
which, without replacing explicit
communication, complements and
completes it. Empathic communication
involves a mutual understanding of the
other, emotional contagion and the
development of collaborative behaviors that
lead to social harmony. Empathy is an
interactive process that fosters role play,
role exchange, knowledge of self and of the
other. The lack of empathy leads to a
decrease or lack of communication between
parents and children, while a good empathy
favors winning in negotiation and enables
social learning processes by using role play
techniques. A.F.Osborn (1965) mentions
that lack of empathy leads to dysfunctions
in communication: many
misunderstandings or conflicts originate in
our inability to replace ourselves with
another person or to imagine the response
reactions of the other, aspects related to
substitutive imagination.
Through empathy we can better understand
our partner, we can “read” his thoughts, his
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affective states/experiences, predict his
future behaviours and act accordingly. If,
on the one hand, empathy is able to ensure
good communication by adapting to the
other person’s reality, the lack of empathy
becomes an obstacle in communication
indicating inconsistencies or differences in
thinking / behavior, opposing beliefs,
different social environments, contrary
political / religious views, disability, etc.
The refusal to empathize leads to hostile
attitudes, even blockages in
communication. The need for empathy is
associated with the need for dialogue, the
temporary change of perspective, openness
towards the other [7].
Some rules for good empathic
communication are the following:
- Greeting, obtaining / uttering the name;
- Presenting ourselves, showing respect and
interest to the interlocutor;
- Identifying the emotional state / situation
of the interlocutor;
- Active, careful listening, without
interrupting the partner;
- Encouraging the use of his own words;
- Clarification of the ambiguous
information;
- Understanding of the views of the other
before presenting our own viewpoint;
- Organizing the information according to
its importance in given context;
- Providing appropriate information of
interest to the other party, in a way that his
feelings are not affected / his condition does
not get worse;
- Checking the understanding level;
- Identifying verbal and non-verbal índices;
- Encouraging the interlocutor to speak/
offer feedback;
- Providing emotional support.
2. Assertive communication rules for
efficient communication
Assertive communication indicates our
ability to express our own feelings and
choices in a way that the self-esteem and
the feelings of others are not affected. A
person who detains this competence will
know how to express wishes, 3roble what
he thinks, refuse, solve and prevent
conflicts without offending his
interlocutors, while maintaining their own
view points and oppinions. When we want
to communicate without giving course to a
defensive reaction, we must use sentences
that will indirectly adress the interlocutor
and the communication problema,
preferably following the algorythm:
When (action)… I –Feel (reaction) – What I
would like is … (preferred outcome)[8].
In the table below are some examples:
Table 1: Science conflict resolution (after Helena Cornelius and Faire Shosana)
Situation
Assertive utterance
1. Someone raises the voice
When you raise your voice at me, I feel
humiliated. What I would like is to have a
normal father and son conversation with you
2. Someone fails to respect deadlines at
work
If you feel you need more time to complete the
work, please let me know so that I’ll be able to
modify the original programming
3.Interruptions
When I am interrupted, I feel I loose the thread
of my ideas, what I would like is to be given the
chance to finish my sentence
4. To an extremely demanding person
When you don’t appreciate my efforts, I feel
offended, because I am trying hard to do my
best. I would really appreciate some
encouragements from time to time
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In many cases we are faced with situations
when we must say NO to someone, but in a
manner that does not affect the relationship
that we have with that person. We present
below a number of assertive statements
recommended for refusal situations:
- I'm sorry but I can not help you right
now.
- I'd like to help but I can not do this until I
finish the project I'm working on at the
moment.
- I don’t have enough time right now. Can
we speak about it later?
- Is there a problem if I’ll solve the task
after I finish this project I'm working on?
The efficiency of the communication act
depends not only on how the transmitter
delivers the message. It is also conditioned
by how it is perceived by our audience. We
can become active listeners by following
these requirements:
- paying attention to the message;
- taking into account the communication
context;
- confirming and reconfirming (ah, yes,
true, therefore, I see, I understand);
- Asking ( what happened next?/what was it
all about?);
- Paraphrasing or summarizing what was
said (I understood that…;)
- Reading the non-verbal language.
3. Conclusions
As a conclusion, we can state that empathy
gains a particular importance in
interpersonal communication, enabling
understanding and knowledge of the other.
Empathic communication is based on
mirroring of the conduct and psychological
state of the partner, the granting of his
perspective and involvement in his internal
reference frame. Empathic communication
leads to emotional contagion phenomena,
positive social influence, triggers harmony,
tolerance, and is the key of beneficial and
long-lasting interpersonal relations.
Assertive communication is the key of non-
violent communication, by making use of
non-offensive language formulas that will
only indirectly adress the conflictual issue,
and will evitate to put the blame on the
interlocutor.
To show lack of empathy, lack of interest,
to reject the feedback or interrupt the
partner of conversation is not only impolite
but has the effect of preventing the good
functioning of the communication process.
Assertive and empathic communication are
key solutions for an efficient
communication strategy and can be used
successfully in everyday life or in the
management of conflicts in organisations.
References
[1] L. Wispe, The distinction between Sympathy and Empathy, The Call For a Concept, A
Word is Needed, Journal of Personality and Social Psychologfy, 1986, vol. 50, nr 2, pp.
314-321
[2] Norbert Sillamy, Dictionnaire de la Psychologie, Paris, Larousse, 1965
[3] R.F. Dymond, A Scale for the Measurement of Empathic Ability, Journal of Consulting
Psychology, 13, 1949, pp.127-133
[4], [5] D. Goleman, Inteligența emoțională, Editura Curtea Veche, București, 2001, pp.125-
140
[6], Stroe Marcus, Empatie și personalitate, Editura Atos, București, 1997, p. 25
[7] Stroe Marcus, Empatie și personalitate, Editura Atos, București, 1997, pp.168-175
[8] Helena Cornelius, Shosana Faire, Stiinta rezolvarii conflictelor, Editura Știință și tehnică,
București, 1996, pp. 31-34
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