Sexual abuse and the grooming process in sport: Learning from Bella's story

Abstract

Through a process of collaborative autoethnography, we explore the experiences of one female athlete named Bella who was groomed and then sexually abused by her male coach. Bella’s story signals how the
structural conditions and power relationships embedded in competitive sporting environments, specifically the power invested in the coach, provide a unique sociocultural context that offers a number of potentialities for sexual abuse and exploitation to take place. We offer Bella’s story as a pedagogical resource for those involved in the world of sport to both think about and with as part of a process of encouraging
change at the individual and institutional levels.

Full text

For Peer Review Only
Sexual Abuse and the Grooming Proces
s in Sport: Learning
from Bella’s Story
Journal:
Sport, Education and Society
Manuscript ID:
CSES-2015-0023.R1
Manuscript Type:
Original Article
Keywords:
Grooming, Sexual abuse, Sport, Collaborative autoethnography, Poems,
Vignettes
URL: http://mc.manuscriptcentral.com/cses Email: john.evans@lboro.ac.uk
Sport, Education and Society

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Sexual Abuse and the Grooming Process in Sport: Learning from Bella’s Story
Helen Owton
[Department of Childhood, Youth & Sport, The Open University]
&
Andrew C. Sparkes
[Institute for Sport, Physical Activity &Leisure, Leeds Beckett University]
Correspondence:
Helen Owton
Lecturer in Sport & Fitness
The Open University
Walton Hall
Milton Keynes
MK7 6AA
T: 01908 858054
E: h.owton@open.ac.uk
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Abstract
Through a process of collaborative autoethnography we explore the experiences of
one female athlete named Bella who was groomed and then sexually abused by her
male coach. Bella’s story signals how the structural conditions and power
relationships embedded in competitive sporting environments, specifically the power
invested in the coach, provide a unique socio-cultural context that offer a number of
potentialities for sexual abuse and exploitation to take place. We offer Bella’s story as
a pedagogical resource for those involved in the world of sport to both think about
and with as part of a process of encouraging change at the individual and institutional
levels.
Key words: grooming; sexual abuse; sport; collaborative autoethnography; story;
poems
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Sexual Abuse and the Grooming Process in Sport: Learning from Bella’s Story
According to Brackenridge et al. (2008), although the exact prevalence of
sexual abuse in society is difficult to determine, ‘it is clear that it occurs across all
classes of society and in any context where there is the opportunity for exploitation
and an individual with the will to exploit’ (p. 387). They note that sexual abuse has
been reported in a number of institutional settings including that of sport. On this
issue, Leahy (2008) states that during the last few years, ‘the occurrence of sexual
harassment and abuse in sport has been systematically documented in a number of
countries in Europe, Australia, Canada, and the United States’ (p. 351)
For Leahy (2010, 2011) the sexual abuse of athletes within sport systems
challenges the commonly accepted view of sport as an unproblematic site of youth
empowerment and positive development. This challenge has been particular powerful
when researchers, such as Brackenridge and Fasting (2005) have provided the stories
of individual athletes who have been sexually abused. Following their lead, in this
article we focus on the story told by one female athlete named Bella (a pseudonym as
are all names used) who was groomed and then sexually abused by her male coach.
Various forms of abuse may be inflicted on young athletes who can be
subjected to several forms of abuse at the same time, such as, physical abuse, sexual
abuse, emotional abuse, and neglect. Regarding the constituents of sexual abuse in
sport, Stirling et al. (2011) include the following: Sexual relations with the athlete;
Inappropriate sexual contact; Exchange of reward in sport for sexual favours;
Sexually orientated comments, jokes, or gestures; Sexual propositions, and; Exposing
an athlete to pornographic material.
Distinguishing between sexual harassment and sexual abuse, Brackenridge
and Fasting (2005) note that the former is associated with unwanted attention on the
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basis of sex. The latter involves the groomed or coerced collaboration in sexual and/or
genital acts where the victim has been entrapped by the perpetrator.
Grooming is central to the abusive relationship … It involves slowly gaining
the trust of the potential victim before systematically breaking down
interpersonal barriers prior to committing actual sexual abuse. This process
may take weeks, months or years with the perpetrator usually moving steadily
so that he is able to maintain secrecy and avoid exposure. Grooming is
important because it brings about the appearance of co-operation from the
athlete, making the act of abuse seem to be consensual. In other words,
whereas harassment is definitely unwanted, abuse may appear to be wanted
(or consented to) when the victim has been the subject of grooming.
(Brackenridge & Fasting, 2005, p. 35)
Grooming, therefore, refers to any strategy used to convince or coerce a child
or young person to engage in sexual behavior. Brackenridge (2001) constructed a
generalized model of the grooming process in sport that contained the following
stages: targeting a potential victim; building trust and friendship; developing isolation
and control – building loyalty; and initiation of sexual abuse and securing secrecy.
Brackenridge and Fasting (2005) comment as follows on this model and previous
studies on the grooming process.
The previous studies suggest that, for the abuser, grooming is a conscious
strategy. The athlete, on the other hand, is usually an unwitting party to the
gradual erosion of the interpersonal boundary between her and the coach. The
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power afforded to the coach in his position of authority offers an effective
alibi or camouflage for grooming and abuse. Incremental shifts in the
boundary between coach and athlete go unnoticed, unrecognized or unreported
by the athlete until the point where she has become completely entrapped and
is unable to resist his advances. (Brackenridge & Fasting, 2005, p. 37)
With regard to understanding the dynamics of sexual abuse in sport
Brackenridge and Fasting (2005) conclude that research on sexual would benefit from
the greater use of narrative and biographical analysis to expose the multiple meanings
of grooming as part of this process. Accordingly, in what follows, we explore the
experiences of one female athlete named Bella (a pseudonym as are all those named
in her story) who was groomed and then sexually abused by her male coach.
Introducing Bella: Ethical and methodological considerations
Bella suffered undisclosed sexual abuse
1
as a young athlete from her male coach for a
number of years beginning when she was 13 years of age. It has had detrimental
effects on her life since then in multiple ways.
It took me years to realise what happened was wrong… I was in so much
pain… Initially, I tried to think of ways to end the pain that muted me and my
existence. It’s taken me years to work it through and things have only got
better by talking and processing the abuse. (Bella)
1
Undisclosed sexual abuse refers to sexual abuse that has gone unreported and undiscovered. The child
might not recognise the events as sexual abuse for several years after the event. The child who reaches
adulthood has found some way of coping with the memory of that abuse.
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Leahy (2010, 2011) suggests an association between sexual abuse in athletes and
long-term posttraumatic symptomology, with core symptoms including re-
experiencing, avoidance and hyper-arousal. Furthermore, disclosing or recounting the
experience of sexual abuse can be traumatic and lead to a ‘double-trauma,’ which can
cause an aftermath involving intense ruptures in day-to-day life.
Bella, therefore, is a vulnerable participant. Given our commitment to a
feminist ethics of care the development and production of this article has been part of
a delicate, complex and challenging process. Both authors know Bella in different
ways. [Author 1] knows Bella as a long-term friend with shared involvements in
similar sports. In their conversations about sport over the years, Bella often touched
upon her experiences of being groomed and then sexually abused by her coach when
she was younger. On her own volition during this period, and more recently as part of
her involvement with a professionally qualified psychosexual, relationship and
EMDR trauma therapist named Laura, Bella began to explore and express some of her
experiences in poetic and story form, some of which were shared with [Author 1].
When, recently, [Author 1] received university ethical approval to develop a study
that investigated the issue of sexual abuse in sport, Bella asked if she could become
involved. She expressed a desire to make her own story public via an academic
journal that was read by those who could potentially shape policy and practice in
sport settings.
Given the sensitive nature of the topic and their relationship as close friends,
[Author 1] suggested to Bella that a supportive but ‘critical friend’ (Sparkes & Smith,
2014), be involved in the project who was distanced from their relationship and from
the data (poems/stories) provided by Bella. This critical friend was to act as both an
ethical and a conceptual sounding board for how the article on Bella’s life was
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composed and represented for the purposes of publication in an academic journal.
Following further discussion, and with Bella’s permission, [Author 1] approached
[Author 2] whom she had known for several years in his role as co-supervisor for her
PhD study and whom she trusted to act as a critical friend to her and, by association,
to Bella.
As part of this critical friendship a number of issues emerged for discussion.
For example, besides concerns about the potential emotional harm to Bella in
recalling her sexual abuse, [Author 2] was also concerned about the emotional
demands placed on [Author 1] having to learn more fully about the sexual abuse of
her friend and having to turn these experiences into ‘analysable data’ to be presented
in textual form as part of an ‘academic’ project. In this sense, [Author 1] like Bella,
was a vulnerable participant within the study. Another concern, revolved around the
social, personal and institutional power differentials that existed between [Author 2]
as a male professor, [Author 1] (a former PhD student and now a lecturer), and Bella
as an abused athlete, and how beyond just acknowledging these differentials, they
might be overcome in practice
Beyond these concerns, both [Author 1] and [Author 2] felt an ethical
obligation to use their positions of relative power and privilege, along with their
academic skills to assist in creating a space for Bella’s silenced voice and story to be
heard by various audiences that shape sports policy and practice. The use of Bella’s
story has the clear intention of raising the awareness of sexual abuse in sport and
supporting change at the individual and group level. A refusal to assist Bella in her
quest to get her story into the academic domain, as Hartill (2013) points out, would be
to condone the widespread tendency in higher education “to avoid rendering the truth
of sport explicit.” (p. 252)
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Regarding [Author 2]’s involvement in the project, it was agreed that it would
not be appropriate for him to meet Bella in person, or to have direct connection with
her via email as this would reveal her identity. All communication, therefore, between
Bella and [Author 2] was via [Author 1] who would delete all identifying features of
emails before passing them on. It was also agreed that [Author 2] would have no
direct contact with Laura, the therapist working with Bella. As before, he could raise
questions with her via either Bella or [Author 1]. Prior to the start of the collaboration,
Laura was asked if she felt it was appropriate for Bella to become involved in the
project or if she has any concerns. Laura’s response was that it was appropriate at this
stage of her therapy to become involved in such collaboration and that this could have
positive benefits for Bella. Similar questions have been asked of Laura throughout the
process in terms of Bella’s wellbeing. It was made clear to Laura that she could
contact [Author 1] at any point if she felt the collaboration was placing undue stress
or having a detrimental effect on Bella.
Given the collaborative nature of our engagement, it is important to qualify the
status of Bella’s story, and how it has been co-constructed for the purposes of this
article. Initially, Authors 1 and 2 invited Bella to supply them any work she had
produced over the years that she felt best described her experiences of sexual abuse.
Bella made a large volume of short stories and poems available. A number of these
clearly identified Bella, her abuser, and sporting colleagues and so were eliminated at
this stage as they compromised the anonymity of those involved. Following a further
reading by Authors 1 and 2, it became clear that, given the volume of work provided,
it would not be possible to do justice in a single article to the complexity of the whole
process of sexual abuse as experienced by Bella that included the following phases:
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the grooming phase, the abuse phase, the resistance phase, the exit phase, and the
recovery/survivorship phase.
Following discussion with Bella, it was agreed that the grooming phase would
be the focus of the first article, and that further publications would deal with the other
phases in detail. Once this decision was made further discussions ensued as to which
stories and poems would best describe this process and various combinations were
considered before the selection that appears in this article was finalised. Beyond
some grammatical changes suggested by Authors 1 and 2, for example, changes of
time tenses for the purposes of consistency and sentence structure to enhance clarity,
the poems and stories presented below are unedited.
Ultimately the choice about how, when, and if to proceed with this project has
been left with Bella. It was crucial that she have full ownership and control
throughout in terms of how the collaboration developed, what was included in the
article, and the interpretations that were provided. Bella could have terminated the
project at any time in the process and would have received support in doing so. That
we have reached the stage of publication is testimony to Bella’s determination to have
her story told and a sign of the trusting relationships that have been developed
between those involved.
The process we have engaged in to get to this stage is like the collaborative
autoethnography process described by Zanker and Gard (2008) who, with their co-
writer/participant, produced an evocative performance text that explored the
experiences of the latter in relation to disordered eating and over-exercising. Like
them, we hope, that the vignettes and selected poems about Bella’s grooming and
undisclosed sexual abuse that follow, offer her a space in which to tell, retell and re-
understand her own life. We also hope that the forms of representation we have
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chosen will initiate an emotional response in the reader beyond that which a more
‘formal’ and cross-case thematic analysis of her experiences might instigate
(Brackenridge & Fasting, 2005). In short, we seek to involve the reader in the
grooming process of a young female athlete so that they might react from the different
social positions they currently occupy.
So this is how it happened: Memories of the grooming process
Introducing Bella Aged 13
A weak skinny runt,
Building confidence; self-esteem,
Training techniques, hard graft; rough regime,
Enhanced bodily control; bear the brunt.
Years of dedication; tough girl built,
Perfected sequenced flowing moves,
Performances never wilt,
Masculinity she had to prove.
Look closer...
Take off the concealed cloak,
Behind this loyal dutiful kid,
Accumulative little sordid secrets hid…
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Feeling naughty
Kate and me get dropped off at the service station - the usual place we meet on
our way to competitions. It’s perhaps our third or fourth time away with the team to
compete in a competition. I get teased about being a ‘skinny little runt’ and I’m not a
‘natural’ athlete, but I’m trying to work on being tougher and train with an increasing
amount of self-discipline.
The road trips seem fun, but there’s quite a lot of banter, which I’m not used
to. Ray, the Instructor, ‘the god’, who’s in his early 30s, always takes the piss out of
me, telling me that I just follow Kate around like a little sheep, which makes me feel
stupid. In classes, he’s spotted when I’ve worn make-up and teased me about it.
There are a few other lads around - they all dutifully follow Ray’s lead,
including myself who look up to him as my instructor, coach and a father figure.
Ray’s not only well respected by his whole team, but when we go to competitions
he’s got a tough reputation and seems to know everyone; quite a few are rather scared
of him. He’s fearfully respected.
It’s a sunny day and I’ve got my ripped denim shorts on. Arriving at the
service station, I feel a little self-conscious seeing everyone else in baggy tracksuit
bottoms and long shorts. As Kate and me walk up the steps towards the service
station, Ray, dashes up past us and slaps the back of my thighs saying, “Hey skinny
legs!” I jump uncomfortably and Kate laughs at me. We both giggle, but I feel my
face blushing nervously. I was already feeling hugely self-conscious and his sharp
slapping on the backs of my bare thighs has made me feel even more exposed. I want
attention from him, I want him to notice me, but the attention he gives me makes me
crumble into my shell. He teases me about my tastes in music, my clothes, the way I
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speak, and even what I order to eat. But everyone else very well respects him. On the
last road trip I asked, “What time’s Supper?”
“Supper? How posh!” he ridicules.
They all laugh. I blush, hang my head, remain quiet and try not to speak for
the rest of the journey. I just assume that I’m not used to the banter and feel ashamed
about my ‘privileged’ upbringing that I’m always getting teased for. So I hide it and
try not to speak quite so well. I see it all as a way of learning how to be more ‘cool’
like the rest of them so I can fit in and not get picked on. I start to desperately seek
his approval.
Once the entire teams have arrived, Ray announces all the carloads and
ensures that Kate and me always travel with him. When we arrive at the hostel to stay
over the night before, Ray comes bouncing into the girls’ dorm and ‘jokes’ about
making sure that ‘the younger girls’, Kate and me, have the job of doing the washing
up after breakfast the next morning. After the teams have had dinner Kate and me
settle in the dining area chatting and playing cards; the rest of the group are in the
‘playroom’. We see Ray as he’s on his way to the bar and seems quite excited.
“Hey, I’ll get you two girls a drink eh? Whad’ya want?” he shouts strutting
over. He puts his heavy arms round both of our shoulders and urges, “Oh bloody ‘ell
girls, have a drink to relax! Take the edge off before tomorrow! Try a bit of Jack
Daniels and Coke. That’s what I drink.”
We both look at each other giggling; we’re both underage to be drinking at 13.
“Yeah, yeah alright!” we both reply eagerly, feeling naughty.
He dashes off excitedly and returns with one glass. “Here you go girls!” he
charmingly offers. “Don’t tell the others, eh?”
“Cheers!”
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“Yeah thanks” we reply. “Cool!”
“No problem!” he replies with a wink.
Waiting for Mum
“See you next week!” Ray bellows to the class, as they all disperse. I loiter
around after the class almost moping whilst Sarah, his girlfriend, packs everything
away and Ray sits on the desk. At 14years of age, there are plenty of distractions
away from sport to deter me – I have to miss parties all the time but I guess I don’t
feel like I’m missing out that much. I initially felt lost after Kate left, but I’m starting
to feel that I’m getting ‘looked after’ and I actually enjoy the extra special treatment
from Ray but it’s that ‘home time’ that I dread again. My Mum always seems to be
late and I feel neglected by her. It’s never been the same since my dad died; I’ve lost
my cozy, safe ‘family life’. I casually wave goodbye to Sarah and Ray and shuffle
down the stairs, where I am to wait and see who will pick me up - my mum or a taxi. I
sit at the bottom of the stairs with my head leaning miserably on my hands.
It must be 10 minutes that pass before I hear Sarah and Ray coming down the
stairs. I’m the last student left in the empty community hall.
“Still here?” Ray calls down. “Mummy late again?” He laughs.
“Yeah” I drone.
“Ha, busy, busy, busy is she?!” he teases.
“Probably,” I mumble. On the odd occasion when my Mum has been in to see
Ray, I feel embarrassed by the way she goes on about how busy she is and telling him
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all about our distress. I don’t like the way my Mum tells everyone that life’s really
hard for her, seeking pity. Ray sympathises with me one day after the class.
“You know, my sister died when I was younger, so I know just how you feel”
and he’s assured my Mum that he will look after me.
Today, Ray sits down next to me on the step. I’m nervous about being left
alone in the empty community building and hope that my Mum turns up soon.
“Oh dear,” he says flatly. Sarah passes, turns and pauses for a second, rolls her
eyes before carrying on to the car with their bags. “Don’t worry,” he assures me. “I’ll
wait with you.” I feel a sense of relief, comfort, and security as he puts his large arm
round me.
Massaging feet
After seeing me so upset Ray invited me round his house for a video and a
‘sleepover’ with Sarah. I’ve been dropped there previously because the teams have
met there before going away for competitions. I’m quite good at art and so he asked
me to design some new leaflets, which I’ve brought along to show him. I’m excited to
have been personally invited round my instructor’s house and he’s offered me private
tuition for free as well. My eldest sister drove me to his house and I fed her some
story about going there to meet for a competition.
“Is this it?” my sister asks.
“Yep! Thanks!” I reply hurriedly opening the car door and jumping out. “See
ya!”
“Wait!” my sister suddenly shouts before I dash off. “Well, who’s here? Are
there others, I mean does he have a wife?”
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“Yeah, yeah, his girlfriend’s here,” I reply hastily and slam the door.
Things are volatile at home. I seem to be becoming a rebellious teenager:
answering back, being disobedient, throwing parties - all, which infuriate my mum.
Furthermore, unbeknown to my mum I’ve started smoking, drinking, and slowly
getting involved with a crowd who take drugs and go petty shoplifting. My Mum
frequently loses her temper and screams at me. What’s worse is when my Mum starts
ranting on about killing herself where she threatens that she’ll “get in the car, drive
into a brick wall and never come back! Then how will everyone cope?”
So here I feel relieved, like it’s a much-needed escape from all that emotional
chaos. I am slowly being accepted: a step further into the team, into ‘the family’; a
family I feel I could do with. When I arrive at his flat I feel a bit uncomfortable but
am welcomed by Ray. He’s chosen a scary film to watch. All of us squeeze onto the
sofa - me at one end, Sarah in the middle and Ray at the other end. Ray displays his
usual banter and continuously embarrasses me by teasing me and making me feel self-
conscious. But I just giggle. He stretches his legs out on the sofa, rests them over
Sarah and tells me to massage his feet.
“Oh, don’t make her do that!” Sarah protests.
“What? I’ve got my socks on! Don’t be silly!” He defends strongly. “Oh, she
doesn’t mind, go on Bella. Massage my feet, then you can have some ice cream!” he
winks and waggles his feet like a child.
I don’t object. At the age of 14yrs, I don’t feel that I can. Anyway, I feel
flattered that he wants me to massage him. So, I do the best I can to try and impress
him. I’ve been massaging him in the car on the way to competitions as well. He
orders me to switch positions with whoever is sat behind him in the car, despite my
weak protest and leans his seat back, squashing me. I normally massage his rough,
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shaven, spotty head for as long as possible. Despite being trapped uncomfortably tight
by his chair, I don’t make a fuss; I just want to impress him by doing a good job. I
feel appreciated and valued.
I don’t usually watch horror films, so tonight I jump, grab a pillow and bury
my head in it every now and then. Ray just laughs at me, and I feel ‘uncool’,
immature and embarrassed.
“I’m not sure Bella should be watching this,” Sarah voices. “It is an 18”
“Oh, don’t be silly!” Ray replies. “She’s fine, aren’t you?”
I’m not but obviously I nod earnestly, not wanting to disagree with Ray, or
even to be seen as ‘too young’ or ‘uncool’ to watch the film. I spend the rest of the
film trying to not watch it and manage my fear silently without drawing unnecessary
attention to myself. I jump a couple of times and quickly regret it when Ray teases
me incessantly. Eventually the film finishes and it’s off to bed – phew!
I go to the spare room where his 12year old son usually sleeps when he visits
him. The mattresses are on the floor and I get ready for bed as quickly as I can and
hear someone approaching the door. Ray slowly shoves the door open and creeps in
wearing his dark blue baggy T-shirt and grey shorts. He lies down on the floor next to
me and starts chatting.
“So, you’ve had a good time tonight?” he asks.
“Yeah, thanks!” I affirm flattered by all this attention from him and the safe
knowledge that he’ll look after me when things are hard.
“Good” he smiles. “How’s things at home?”
“Rubbish!” I confess. “I hate it!”
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“Awww,” he pities, “I’ll look out for you, OK?” he continues as he leans over
and tucks me into bed playfully. He gives me a brief kiss on the forehead and
whispers, “G’night”.
The routine
I arrive at the train station and look for Ray’s car. I’m going round more
frequently to his new house to do computer work for his sport business. I had to stop
going to class for a few months when I injured myself after being punished and
pushed too hard in the class by him, but Ray invited me for a walk with his son and
we all seemed to have a fun day together. He chatted a bit more about his sister and
again said how much he understood me and told me how similar I was to him. I felt
comforted and it made me feel less ‘alone’.
Now, I’m feeling less pain in my lower spine and I’m back training hard
again, totally devoted to getting back on track and succeeding despite the occasional
niggles in the base of my spine. But my Mum has shown a concern about it.
“He doesn’t hit you does he?” she asked sternly as she dropped me off at the
train station to go to school.
“No! Of course not!” I retorted defensively (answering honestly because he
doesn’t actually hit me). There’s a sense of familiarity and security going to his
house. He makes me feel important and special because he’s ‘cool’, he’s older, and
‘has a laugh’ making things fun. He says that my art skills would be really useful so
he’s been getting me round more frequently doing computer work and designing stuff
for his business. A day with him usually involves going to a health club, where we
train together and sauna, he gives me special personal tuition, then he treats me to
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lunch, sometimes with his wife and we go back to his house to type up some letters
for his business. In the afternoon, I’ll give him a massage so that he can nap before he
teaches later that evening - it’s important that he gets his nap.
I spot him in the station car park and wander over casually with an air of
carefree teenage angst.
“Hey” he greets. “Alright? Oooo, nice hair”
“Alright” I reply coolly. “Er yeah thanks” with a timid smile. He looks at me
with gleaming eyes and I feel shyly flattered that he’s noticed my new haircut.
“We’ve got quite a bit of work to do today so we need to go back to my house
first before we go training” he states. “OK?”
“OK” I reply dutifully with a warm sense of having been noticed.
He drives to his house and when we arrive, I follow him upstairs into his
office. I go in and sit by the window opposite the computer. He sits next to me, next
to the door and stretches his legs across onto the desk against the wall. It’s a very
close encounter working in the office with him, which always makes me feel nervous;
but it’s a nervous excitement, because my instructor, my coach thinks that I’m clever
and important. He playfully jokes around and nudges me every now and then and tries
to make me giggle.
“I think that’ll do for today and we can go to the health club now,” he
commands.
“OK,” I say obediently.
We hop into the car again and he drives us to the health club. He pays for me
to enter and we train in the gym. He’s developed a training and diet plan for me since
he promoted me into the Top Team. He keeps pressuring me to keep my weight down
if I want to compete internationally because if I go over a certain weight then I’ll be in
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a much tougher category. I’m finding this incredibly hard and I’m really struggling
with the diet. I’m so desperate to lose the weight and impress him that I’ve recently
started throwing up to try and control it. I’m scared that he’ll find out about all of this,
but I’m more scared of not losing the weight in case I get dropped from the Team and
in case he gets angry with me. When I compete I’m already more scared of coming off
the mat and facing his criticism than facing my opponent. Nothing ever seems to be
enough. Even when I win, my performance is never good enough. But I am an
extremely dutiful student and I just keep trying and trying… That’s what it takes.
After running 3 miles on the running machine, we go into the squash room
where he gives me some personal tuition. He grabs a chair and sits at one end of the
court and tells me to show him the new techniques I’ve been learning. At the end of
my demonstration of my work he smiles.
“You know, you’ll never get a boyfriend,” he says shaking his head. “No boy
will ever be able to handle you. You’re too independent. No boy could ever tame you
like a real man like me could!”
I remain standing in my disciplined position and feel confused and also
disheartened after his comments like there must be something wrong with me.
Boys
In the sauna, he continues the subject of boys with me. He sits up on a high
bench row near the door and I perch on the bottom bench row in the corner.
“So, do you have a boyfriend then?” he inquires subtly.
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“Yeah! I’ve got a boyfriend” I reply defiantly. I’ve had a few boyfriends.
They’ve not been very serious and they’ve only ever lasted a couple of months
because I normally lose interest.
“Oh yeah?” he continues. “Oooooo! What base do you get to then? Come on”
I start fidgeting, feeling embarrassed and slightly confused. I giggle and look
away.
“Have you had sex?” he asks suddenly. I immediately blush feeling all the
heat from my body race to my face.
“Um… er…” I stutter.
“Ha! I bet you have, haven’t you?” he contends smirking. “Who goes on top?
Dirty…” He mumbles something under his breath that I can’t quite hear.
I blush even more but it’s also nice to have someone interested in my personal
life. When I get up from the bottom shelf, I notice a bulge in his shorts as I pass him
on the way out. Shocked, I glance away quickly and open the door swiftly, banging it
shut on my way out. I breathe out heavily and tell myself that I was imagining things
slipping into one of the pools to cool off.
On the way to lunch Ray continues the conversation about boys and teases me.
“You give an impression that you’re all innocent and posh, but I bet you’re
dirty really!” he suggests, smirking. I start feeling a bit uncomfortable and start
wondering whether I really am like he is suggesting. Also I feel flattered by this
recent particular interest he is showing me; he makes me feel more grown up.
But during lunch, I start feeling guilty. I hang my head and avoid eye contact
with Sarah.
“How was training then?” Sarah asks both of us. She’s also training hard and I
want to be better than her. Sarah’s getting better and when we compete against each
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other are always close in the class. Ray’s always warning me that eventually I need to
beat Sarah if I want to get on the Top Team; I’ve heard him tell Sarah the same but at
the moment, Sarah’s in the adults whereas I’m still in the cadets at 15yrs of age so
outside the club it’s not a problem.
I pause and look at Ray, worried. Ray intervenes speaking for me.
“Fine, Bella’s training was good today” Ray responds looking at me. “You did
well today Bella. It was good wasn’t it? And she’s lost a couple of pounds as well!
She’s nearly 8 stone now!”
I nod silently. Ray smiles, slaps me on the shoulder and turns back to carrying
on his conversation with Sarah about how her day’s work is going. I sit quietly and
then start worrying anxiously about how much ‘lunch’ will affect my weight.
Freezing
After lunch, back at the house, I finish off some of the computer work and Ray
gets ready for his afternoon nap, changing into his T-shirt and boxer shorts.
“Right, come on!” he shouts upstairs to me. “Common and give my feet a
massage”
I go downstairs and sit on the sofa and wait. Sometimes I have to go into his
bedroom to massage his feet. Sometimes I have to massage his back when he’s
dressed only in his boxer shorts. Sometimes, I have to lie on the floor with his face in
my lap and massage his head, sometimes with a pillow, sometimes without.
Ray makes everything seem normal. Today it’s going to be on the sofa. Ray
puts on his new CD and lies down on the sofa throwing his feet onto my lap. He gives
me some body lotion and I rub it into his feet carefully but firmly. His feet are hard
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and crusty from all his tough skin he’s developed from training. It doesn’t feel nice at
all, but this has become normal for me. I’m used to handling the discomfort and doing
things I don’t really want to do. After all, ‘we all have to do things that we don’t want
to do in life, don’t we?’
“My feet smell alright, don’t they?” he states and playfully wiggles them.
I giggle and nods, “Er… yeah” I say pretending to smell them.
“Oi!” he jests.
He gets his stopwatch and times it; I do 15 minutes on each foot. Again I try to
impress him by doing a good job and not making a fuss, just like in the car.
“Right, do my other foot” he demands as he rests his leg on the back of the
sofa behind my head. When I finish he sits up and asks me if I’d like a massage again.
Last week was the first time he’d ever massaged me. He rubbed my back and legs on
the sofa.
“You know, I’m really good at massaging as well” he’d said dominantly “I
can give you a proper ‘sports’ massage if you like. That’ll help your back as well if
it’s still painful”
I’d felt a bit odd, like it wasn’t right and looked at him worryingly.
“Oh god, nothing funny” he’d said. “Just a massage! Jeez, whad’ya take me
for?! I’m very professional!”
I felt incredibly stupid for feeling odd, like it might’ve been ‘wrong’. I didn’t
want to offend him, make him cross with me, feel humiliated or him think me
‘uncool’. So I’d acted cool about it and he’d given me a quick shoulder massage with
him sitting behind me on the sofa and then massaged my legs fully clothed. Also, I
felt special; I felt like a ‘real’ athlete because I was getting a ‘proper’ sports massage.
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“You’ve got lovely long legs” he’d commented. “You know, good for this
sport.”
I thought that he rubbed me a little too close for comfort but assumed he had
done it by mistake. After all, he was being ‘professional’ and I didn’t want to show
distrust or ‘accuse’ him of anything again; I didn’t want to feel stupid again.
This week he suggests the same. This time he says it’s better if I lie down
because it was an awkward position for him last week. I lie face down on the sofa,
waiting for my ‘proper’ sports massage. This time he says it’s better if I undo my bra
because it’s ‘in the way’ and this time he starts slipping his hand up my top and
rubbing my bare skin. I start panicking inside but try to remain ‘cool’, remain still. I
tell myself that it’s fine, just like last time. He starts pulling off my trousers because
‘it’s difficult to massage through jeans’. I don’t object because I trust him but I’m also
too scared to. Despite the panic I feel deep inside my body, I just keep reassuring
myself. This time he rubs the body lotion on my legs and starts massaging up my
thighs, as he slowly edges up more and more and more.
I freeze.
Ray continues to rub my legs, going up past my thighs and slowly his fingers
creep into my knickers…
I’m frozen; struck by shock, disbelief, excitement, and extreme fear. The
music fades out and all I hear is his breathing getting heavier and feel the weight of
him lean forcefully on my back. He groans, I feel his breath in my ear and smell the
strong scent of his sweet aftershave staining my skin. He edges in and I feel his
coarsely shaven chin brush over my neck as he opens his mouth and drools a slobbery
kiss on the edge of my lips. I’m petrified and stiff still. I do not move a muscle. I do
not kiss him back.
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Then he stops.
“Mmm, that was nice, wasn’t it?” he whispers stroking my hair. “You are
very special, you know.”
Reflections
Ray’s ‘little secret’ and serious sexual abuse of Bella continued for a number of years.
The story of how Bella came to realize the nature of the abuse, challenge her abuser, and
break his hold on her, is a story that will have to wait for another day. The following poem
will have to suffice for the moment.
A lucky escape
I fell for your stealth,
For too long, finally leaving,
Staying I would have failed myself!
Now, slowly path
Re-learning from the past,
I think I’ve probably had the worst!
A new life; a bodily pulsating process
Through which I awake,
No shame; your shame,
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Thank goodness I had a lucky escape.
Other athletes may not have such a ‘lucky escape’ and be able to voice their
experiences (even if anonymously) in a public arena.
Therefore, it is important to
learn what we can from Bella’s story as told above. This learning can take various
forms depending on one’s views on the nature of story. In narrative terms, as Frank
(2010) reminds us, Bella’s story reports a on something that has been enacted
elsewhere and so is an enacted truth. This truth is not a copy of the original. Rather, as
Frank argues, ‘they are enactments in which something original comes to be, as if for
the first time, in the full significance that the story gives it’ (p. 40). In saying this,
Frank rejects the mimetic understanding of stories which is based on the idea that
stories merely imitate a reality independent of the story, and that ‘they are surrogate
versions of what the storyteller would have experienced, had she or he been where the
storyteller was, proximate to the events being described’ (p. 88). Thus, Bella’s story is
not a clear window through which the viewer can see the world of grooming and
sexual abuse it describes. For Frank, her story is more like a sketched window. Here,
‘the viewer does not attempt to look through it to something beyond, much less
assume that the sketch perfectly represents what lies beyond. Instead, the sketch itself
is well worth looking at’ (p. 89).
In presenting Bella’s story as a sketch well worth looking at, the reader might
think about her story by reducing it to content and then analyzing that content. This is a
worthy analytical task in which connections can be made to the extant literature. For
example, Bella’s story can be used to think about the following:
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 The elements of the triangulated relationship that Brackenridge (2001)
suggests needs to exist in order for a coach to act on their intent to abuse
an athlete in their care (sport opportunity, coach/authority figure
inclination, and athlete vulnerability).
 The dynamic relationships between the three main types of coaches in
the sport typology produced by Fasting and Brackenridge (2009): The
flirting-charming coach; the seductive coach; and the authoritarian
coach.
 The structural conditions and power relationships, embedded in
competitive sporting environments, specifically the power invested in
the coach, provide a unique socio-cultural context that offer a number of
potentialities for sexual abuse and exploitation to take place
Bella’s story also invites a more aesthetic reading in which readers interpret the
text from their own unique vantage points, contributing their own questions, answers and
experiences to the story as they read it, becoming co-participants in the creation of
meanings. Here, readers think with the story and see where it takes them. For Frank
(2013), thinking with stories involves allowing one’s own thoughts to adopt the story’s
immanent logic, its temporality, and its tensions and contradictions. To think with a story
is to experience it affecting one’s own life and to find in that affect a certain truth of one’s
life. He suggests that the first lesson ‘is not to move on once the story has been heard, but
to continue to live in the story, becoming in it, reflecting on who one is becoming, and
gradually modifying the story’ (p. 159). The goal, according to Frank is empathy, not as
internalising the feelings of the other or making their self-story one’s own, but as
resonating with their story so as to feel its nuances and anticipate changes in plot.
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Importantly, this ‘thinking with’ is available to Bella as a reader of her own
story which opens up the possibility of re-storying described by Grant et al. (2015) that
‘enables the re-interpretation and re-narration of lived experiences in line with co-evolving
preferred personal and relational identities (p. 280). Such re-storying, Frank (2013) argues,
is not only a transformational tool, but constitutes an informed ethical choice about how
best to make sense of one’s past, present, and future life and relationships. As Bella
comments:
Although working on this paper has felt erratic at times, writing about my
abuse, along with the professional therapy I have received along the way, has
slowly helped me find a way out of that anger, that pain, that silence, and self-
abusive behaviours that have so often captured me in my darker moments…
Being involved in this project has helped me to channel of those feelings. It’s
been a way of getting what was festering inside me, silently, and causing me the
pain, out of me. I just keep telling myself that I'm helping others by speaking
out. By breaking this silence I’m taking back control from my abuser and re-
asserting my right to define myself as a person in my own way and in my own
terms. Even though it was far from easy, and I couldn't have done it without the
care and support from [Author 1] and [Author 2], it’s a story that needs to be
told, to help others speak out and understand sexual abuse in sport. Since
writing this, I have learnt a great deal about abuse and that others can be lured
much more quickly into an abusive situation (e.g. hours as opposed to days or
years). I want people to be aware that 'nice' (or charming) people are not always
who they seem and to question people's motives and behaviours much more. I
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would like others to learn from my experience and to know that they are not
alone. And, I want people to speak out more! (Bella)
In closing, given her wishes for people to learn from her experience and to
speak out more about the subject of sexual abuse in sport, we offer her story as a
pedagogical resource for those involved in the world of sport to both think about and
with as they see fit. Like Sparkes (2007), we hope that as part of this process, should
Bella’s story resonate with readers, that they will look after her story and, when it is
needed, share it with others with a view to supporting and encouraging change at the
individual and institutional level. Once thing is for sure, whatever the reader chooses
to do with Bella’s story, they cannot now claim not to have heard it. As King (2003)
reminds us, once a story is told it cannot be called back. Rather, it becomes loose in
the world to act in uncontrollable ways.
References
Brackenridge C. (2001). Spoilsports: Understanding and preventing sexual
exploitation in sport. Routledge: London.
Brackenridge, C., Bishopp, D, Moussalli , S., & and Tapp, J. (2008). The
characteristics of sexual abuse in sport: A multidimensional scaling analysis of events
described in media reports. International Journal of Sport and Exercise Psychology,
6, 385-406.
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Brackenridge, C., & Fasting, K. (2005). The grooming process in sport.
Auto/Biography: An International and Interdisciplinary Journal, 13, 33-52.
Fasting, K., & Brackenridge, C. (2009). Coaches, sexual harassment and education.
Sport, Education and Society, 14, 21-35.
Frank, A. (2010). Letting stories breathe: A socio-narratology. Chicago: University
of Chicago Press.
Frank, A. (2013). The wounded storyteller. Body, illness and ethics. (Second edition).
Chicago: University of Chicago Press.
Grant, A., Leigh-Phippard, H., & Short, N. (2015). Re-storying narrative identity: A
dialogical study of mental health recovery and survival. Journal of Psychiatric and
Mental Health Nursing, 22, 278-286.
Hartill, M. (2013). Concealment of child sexual abuse in sports. Quest, 65, 241-254.
King, T. (2003). The truth about stories: A native narrative. Toronto: House of
Anansi Press.
Leahy, T. (2008). Editor’s note: Understanding and preventing sexual harassment and
abuse in sport: Implications for the sport psychology profession. International
Journal of Sport and Exercise Psychology, 6, 351-353.
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Leahy, T. (2010). Working with adult athlete survivors of sexual abuse. In S.
Hanrahan and M. Andersen (Eds.), Routledge handbook of applied sport psychology:
A comprehensive guide for students and practitioners (pp. 303-312). London:
Routledge.
Leahy, T. (2011). Safeguarding child athletes from abuse in elite sport systems: The
role of the sport psychologist. In D. Gilbourne and M. Andersen (Eds.), Critical
essays in applied sport psychology (pp.251–266). Champaign. IL: Human Kinetics.
Stirling, A., Bridges, E., Cruz, E., & Mountjoy, M. (2011). Canadian Academy of
Sport and Exercise Medicine Position Paper: Abuse, harassment, and bullying in
sport. Clinical Journal of Sport Medicine, 21, 385-391.
Sparkes, A. (2007). Embodiment, academics, and the audit culture: A story
seeking consideration. Qualitative Research, 7, 519-548.
Sparkes , A., & Smith, B. (2014). Qualitative research methods in sport, exercise and
health: From process to product. London: Routledge.
Zanker, C., & Gard, M. (2008). Fatness, Fitness, and the Moral Universe of Sport and
Physical Activity. Sociology of Sport Journal, 25, 48-65.
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