For the past twelve years I've lived with the relational model, watching as Janet Surrey, every other Monday night, went off to her "meeting at Jean's house," and sitting in these lecture halls watching this revolutionary work grow. It takes a long time for this theory to sink in, to grasp what is meant by "the relationship," "relational mutuality," and the "move-ment of relationship." As I began to understand, I had that sense of relief and joy, thinking, "This is true." And in the same way that for women, traditional theories of human development, in the light of women's experience, seemed false and lacking, these same theories started to seem false to much of men's experience as I knew it. Three years ago, Janet and I began to offer workshops — "New Visions of the Female-Male Relationship: Creativity and Empower-ment" — and I began to try to apply a relational approach to male psychological development. This led to my being asked to present my work here tonight. My purpose is not to look at all aspects of men's development, but to look at men's development in relationship, from a relational perspective. This work is based on my own experience — that of a middle-class, white, privileged, heterosexual American male — and has limits intrinsic to this viewpoint. In describing general themes in men's experience, I do not imply them true for all men. I will be using what I have learned in almost twenty years as a psychiatrist, treating men, women, and couples, and using the data from our workshops, as well as from my teaching at medical schools, my writing of novels and plays, and, of course, my relationship with Jean Baker Miller, Irene Stiver, Judy Jordan, and Sandy Kaplan. Those of you familiar with Janet Surrey's work will hear her voice in much of what follows. Jean Baker Miller, in a 1983 working paper titled, "The Construction of Anger in Women and Men," used my first novel, The House of God, the story About the Author Stephen J. Bergman, M.D., Ph.D., is Clinical Instructor in Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and Assistant Attending Psychiatrist at McLean Hospital, Belmont, Massachusetts. Under the pen-name of "Samuel Shem," he is the author of the novels, The House of God and Fine, and of several plays. With Janet L. Surrey, Ph.D., he has co-authored Bill W. and Dr. Bob, a historical drama about the founding of Alcoholics Anonymous. Abstract Current theories of male psychological development emphasize the primary importance of the "self" and fail to describe the whole of men's experience in relationship. Men as well as women are motivated by a primary desire for connection, and it is less accurate and useful to think of "self" than "self-in-relation" as a process. As with women, the sources of men's misery are in disconnections, viola-tions, and dominances, and in participating in relationships which are not mutually empowering. However, the specifics of men's development differ in several important ways.