(PDF) Children in Polyamorous Families: A First Empirical Look

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Goldfeder, Sheff

C H IL D R E N O F PO L Y A M OR O US

F A M I L I ES:

A F I RST E M PI R I C A L L O O K

Mark Goldfeder

Elisabeth Sheff

1

I. INTRODUCTION

In November 2011, the British Columbia

Supreme Court actively reconsidered plural

marriage as a legitimate familial option.

2

The case

involved the polygamous community of Bountiful,

B.C., whose members belong to the Fundamentalist

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1

Dr. Mark Goldfeder, Esq., is an Adjunct Professor of Law at

Georgia State University College of Law, a Spruill Family Senior

Fellow at the Center for the Study of Law and Religion, and a Senior

Lecturer at Emory Law School. Dr. Elisabeth Sheff is an educational

consultant and expert witness who specializes in the families of

sexual and gender minorities. With a background in academic

Sociology, Dr. Sheff is the Founding Principal and CEO at the Sheff

Consulting Group, a think-tank of experts specializing in

XQFRQYHQWLRQDO DQG XQGHUVHUYHG SRSXODWLRQV $XWKRU¶V QRWH

(Goldfeder): Much of the material in this article is excerpted from

where it originally appeared, as part of my Emory SJ D Dissertation,

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WKH³3RO\DPRURXV)DPLO\6WXG\´

2

Reference re:

Section 293 of the Criminal Code of Canada, 2011

BCSC 1588 (last visited May 17, 2013

http://www.courts.gov.bc.ca/jdb-

txt/SC/11/15/2011BCSC1588.htm#SCJTITLE).

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Goldfeder, Sheff

Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. In

2007, two successive special prosecutors

recommended that the court consider the question

of whether the ban on polygamy would stand up to

a constitutional challenge through a reference

question to the B.C. Court of Appeal.

3

In 2008,

however, a third special prosecutor proceeded with

a criminal prosecution and charged both Bountiful

leaders Winston Blackmore and James Oler with

one count of polygamy.

4

Mr. Blackmore and Mr.

Oler petitioned the court, arguing that the province

KDG HQJDJHG LQ ³VSHFLDO SURVHFXWRU VKRSSLQJ´ DQG

the court dismissed the charges against the two

men.

5

In October 2009, however, the province

decided to pursue a reference through the B.C.

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3

:HQG\ 6WXHFN µ%& 6XSUHPH &RXUW MXGJH WR UXOH RQ ODQGPDUN

polygamy FDVH¶ 7KH *OREH DQG 0DLO 1RY  

available at

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/national/bc-supreme-court-

judge-to-rule-on-landmark-polygamy-case/article4184093/. In

Canadian law, a reference question is a submission by the federal or

a provincial government to the courts asking for an advisory

opinion on a major legal issue. Reference questions typically concern

the constitutionality of the legislation in question.

4

Id.

;

S

ee also

Matthew Hennigar,

The Unl ik ely Union of

S

a

m

e-

S

ex

Marriage, Polyga

m

y and the Charter in Court

, 16 Constitutional

Forum/Forum constitutionnel, No. 1-3 (2011).

5

Id.

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Goldfeder, Sheff

Supreme Court.

6

The governments of Canada and

B.C. argued that the court should uphold the ban on

polygamy, while a court-appointed

a

m

icus curi a e

,

George Macintosh, argued that the ban is

unconstitutional and the court should strike it

down.

7

In his introduction to his now famous

³&DQDGLDQ 3RO\JDP\ 'HFLVLRQ´

8

upholding the

long-standing Canadian ban on plural marriage,

Chief Justice Robert Bauman framed the issue as a

matter of harm:

I have concluded that this case is

essentially about harm; more

VSHFLILFDOO\ 3DUOLDPHQW¶V UHDVRQHG

apprehension of harm arising out of

the practice of polygamy. This

includes harm to women, to children,

to society and to the institution of

monogamous marriage.

9

Later in that decision, he enumerated some of those

alleged harms:

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6

Id.

7

S

ee

S

tueck, id.

8

Reference re:

Section 293 of the Criminal Code of Canada, 2011

BCSC 1588.

9

Id.

at 1.

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Goldfeder, Sheff

The harms against children include:

the negative impacts on their

development caused by discord,

violence and exploitation in the

marital home; competition between

mothers and siblings for the limited

attention of the father; diminishment

of the democratic citizenship

capabilities of children as a result of

being raised by mothers deprived of

their basic rights; impoverishment;

and, violation of their fundamental

dignity.

10

While that case has garnered significant interest in

both the United States of America,

11

where the issue

of plural marriage is slowly garnering attention, and

abroad,

12

its meaning must be contextualized within

the broader discussion of legalizing plural

marriage.

13

First, as described in the case, the

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10

Id.

at 228.

11

S

ee, e.g.

Mae Kuykendall,

Equality Feder alis

m

: A

S

olution to the

Marriage Wars

, 15 U. PA. J. CONST. L. 377 (2012),

and

Marie Ashe,

Wo

m

en

'

s Wrongs, Religions

'

Rights: Wo

m

en, Free Exercise, and

Establish

m

ent in A

m

eri can Law

, 21 TEMP. POL. & CIV. RTS. L. REV.

163, 214 (2011).

12

S

ee

Angela Campbell,

Chapter 12 Wives

'

Tal es on Research in

Bountiful

, 17 IUS GENT IUM 247 (2012).

13

S

ee

e.g.

0DUN*ROGIHGHU µ3RO\JDP\DQG '20$¶6DOW /DNH&LW\

Tribune, May 11, 2013 (last visited May 17,

2013http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/opinion/56282277-82/marriage-

plural-polygamy-court.html.csp).

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Goldfeder, Sheff

province accused the Bountiful polygamous

community of engaging in exploitative

relationships, sometimes with underage girls.

14

No

one, certainly not here, is arguing that should be

legal.

Second, this B.C. case differs from the

somewhat similar United States Supreme Court case

Reynolds v. United

S

tates

,

15

in which the U.S.

Supreme Court also upheld the relevant anti-

polygamy law against the claim of religious

liberty.

16

The British Columbia opinion is replete

with open acknowledgments of the ILQGLQJV¶

tentative nature on which WKH FRXUW¶V judgment

would rely.

17

As opposed to

Reynolds

¶

18

overly

confident assertions, the B.C. Court addresses the

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14

Stueck,

id

.

15

98 U.S. 145 (1878).

16

Id.

at 163.

17

S

ee e.g.

%&6&VHFWLRQ)DLYRIWKH GHFLVLRQµ0RUH

6SHFXODWLYH 3UHGLFWLRQV¶ SDUDJUDSKV - ³'U +HQULFK DOVR

predicted additional consequences of polygyny that he acknowledged

were more speculative and could not be as thoroughly supported by

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18

µ7KHVHDUHWR EH WKHVXIIHUHUVDQG DV MXURUVIDLOWR GR WKHLUGXW\

and as these cases come up in the Territory of Utah, just so do these

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United States, 98 U.S. 145, 168 (1878).

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Goldfeder, Sheff

not as a given, but as a question to be explored.

19

For this reason, this article responds to this case.

Third, a number of factual indicators suggest

that the arguments in both

Reynolds

and the more

recent Canadian cases -- at least as applied to

polyamory and other forms of non-monogamy more

generally as opposed to strict polygyny ± are either

inapplicable or built on false assumptions.

20

To avoid misunderstanding, some

clarification of terminology is necessary. Scholars

and lawyers routinely conflate polygamy, polygyny,

and polyamory, and mistakenly collapse them into a

single relationship category. While all of these

terms comprise non-monogamy, they differ

profoundly.

21

Polygamy is the practice of marriage

among groups of people larger than two, and its

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19

S

ee e.g

. 2011 BCSC 1588 paragraph 1185, noting just a

³UHDVRQDEOHDSSUHKHQVLRQ´ of harm.

20

S

ee generally

-LOOLDQ.HHQDQµ/Hgalize PoO\JDP\¶6ODWH$SU. 15,

2013 (last visited May 15, 2013

http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2013/04/legalize_pol

ygamy_marriage_equality_for_all.html).

21

S

ee generally

Lisa M. Kelly,

Bringing International Hu

m

an Rights

Law Ho

m

e: An E

YDOXDWLRQ RI &DQDGD¶V )DPLO\ /DZ 7UHDWPHQW RI

Polyga

m

y

, 65 U. T. FAC. L. REV. 1 (2007). Polygamy stands in sharp

contrast to polyamory, as evidenced in Elisabeth Sheff,

Poly Hege

m

onic Masculinities

, 9 SEXUALITIES 621 (2006);

see also

Gupta-Kagan,

Josh. "Children, Kin and Court: Designing Third Party Custody

Policy to Protect Children, Third Parties and Parents." NYU J. LEGIS.

& PUB. POL¶Y 12.1 (2008): 43-113.

79

S

ee

Davis at 2030.

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Goldfeder, Sheff

remarriages and blended families.

80

After any of

the roughly 46,523 divorces in America in an

average week,

81

the custodial parent may then

remarry, and the child may form strong ties to the

new stepparent.

82

A third marriage and second

stepparent may also follow.

83

Thus, in serial

PRQRJDP\VHYHUDODGXOWVPD\³SDUHQW´DFKLOGZKR

does not share a biological relationship, any of

whom may legitimately seek custody or visitation

rights at WKHPDUULDJH¶Vdissolution.

84

A second situation that creates multiple-

parenthood stems from the rise in assisted

reproduction among both gay and heterosexual

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80

Id.

81

0F.LQOH\ ,UYLQµ 6KRFNLQJ 'LYRUFH 6WDWLVWLFV¶0F.LQOH\ Ir vin,

October 30, 2012, available online at

http://www.mckinleyirvin.com/blog/divorce/32-shocking-divorce-

statistics/ (basing their data on statistics from the U.S. Census

Bureau)

82

S

ee

Andrew J. Cherlin and Frank F. Furstenberg Jr.,

S

tepfa

m

ilies in

the United

S

tates: A Reconsideration

, 20 ANNUAL REV. SOC. 359-

381 (1994) (describing some of the characteristics of strong

stepfamily units).

83

S

ee

Mary F. Whiteside,

Re

m

arriage: A F a

m

ily Develop

m

ental

Process

, 8 J. MARIT AL & FAM. THER APY 59 (1982).

S

ee also

Marilyn

Coleman, Lawrence Ganong & Mark Fine,

Reinves tigating

Re

m

ar riage: Another De cade of Progress

, 62 J. MARITAL & FAM.

THERAPY 1288 (2000).

84

Davis, at 2030.

S

ee also

; Carter v. Brodrick, 644 P.2d 850, 853±56

(Alaska 1983) (construing statute broadly to enable stepparent

visitation rights).

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Goldfeder, Sheff

couples.

85

Contributors of genetic material²i.e.,

sperm and egg donors and surrogate mothers ± may

sometimes seek parental rights.

86

These claims

have been an issue for heterosexual consumers of

³UHSUR-WHFK´UHVRXUFHVIRUVRPHWLPHDQGFRXUWVDUH

increasingly confronting them for lesbian couples

and sperm donors, and gay men and surrogates or

egg donors.

87

In

La Chapelle v. Mitten

,

88

for

instance, a Minnesota court recognized the parental

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85

:LOO%RJJV³Reproduction Rates Increasing WRUOGZLGH´5HXWHU¶V

Health, Jun. 4, 2009 (last visited May 10, 2013)

http://www.reuters.com/article/2009/06/04/us-assisted-reproduction-

idUSTRE5536KG20090604).

86

S

ee

Mark Strasser,

Parental Rights Ter

m

inations: On

S

urrogate

Reasons and

S

urrogacy Policies

, 60 TENN. L. REV. 135 (1992);

see

also

Jerald V. Hale,

Fro

m

Baby M. to Jaycee B.: Fathers, Mothers,

and Children in the Brave New Wor ld

, 24 J. CONTEMP. L. 335 (1998),

and Kermit Roosevelt III,

The Newest Property: Reproductive

Technologies and the Conc ept of Parenthood

, 39 SANTA CLARA L.

REV. 79 (1998).

87

Davis at 2030. See also Elizabeth A. Delaney,

S

tatutory Protec tion

of the Other Mother : L egally Recognizing the Relationship Between

the Nonbiological Lesbian Par ent and Her Child

, 43 HASTINGS L.J.

177 (1991)

88

607 N.W.2d 151 (Minn. Ct. App. 2000).

S

ee also

C. v. G . & E

.,

225 N.Y.L.J., No. 9, at 29 (col. 4) (N.Y. Cnty. Sup. Ct. Jan 12, 2001)

(finding that a gay couple who contracted with a surrogate could

petition for a second-parent adoption of the child by the non-

biological father, presumably without necessarily terminating the

ELRORJLFDOPRWKHU¶VULJKWVWRWKHFKLOGThomas S. v. Robin Y., 618

N.Y.S.2d 356 (App. Div. 1994);

S

ee also

.HYLQ*UD\³Florida

Judge Approves Birth CertLILFDWH/LVWLQJ7KUHH3DUHQWV´ Reuters,

Feb. 7. 2013, (last visited May 10, 2013

http://ca.news.yahoo.com/florida-judge-approves-birth-certificate-

listing-three-parents-233555185.html).

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Goldfeder, Sheff

rights of a biological mother, her lesbian partner,

and the sperm donor.

89

Grandparents and other

extended family members have also increasingly

made claims for visitation, if not outright

parenthood.

90

Finally, adoption has generated

parental complexity, particularly in states with open

adoption.

91

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89

Id.

at 168.

90

S

ee e.g.

Linda D. Elrod & Robert G. Spector,

A Review of the Yea r

in F a

m

ily Law: Redefining Fa

m

ilies, Refor

m

ing Custody

Jurisdiction, and Refining

S

upport Issues

, 34 FAM. L.Q. 607, 608

(2001) (

citing Troxel v. Granville

, 530 U.S. 57, 63-64 (2000), where

Justice O'Connor drew from the U.S. Dept. of Commerce, Bureau of

Census, Current Population Reports, Marital Status and Living

Arrangements: March 1998, remarking that five and six-tenth percent

of children in America live with their grandparents rather than their

parents) (

quoted in

Jami L. Crews,

When Mo

mm

y

'

s A Minor:

Balancing the Rights of Grandpar ents Ra ising Grandchildren

Against Minors

'

Parental Right s

, 28 L. & PSYCHOL. REV. 133, 148

(2004)). By the 2000 Census, that number had gone up to seven

percent.

Id

. at 134.

91

Naomi Cahn,

Perfect

S

ubstitutes or the Real Things?

, 52 DUKE L.

J. 1077 (2003) (tracing and contextualizing the social and legal

history of adoption law).

S

ee also e.g.

S

pencer v. Franks

, 195 A.

306, 308 (Md. 1937) (issuing an adoption decree giving birth parents

SHUPLVVLRQWR ³RFFDVLRQDOO\ VHH WKHFKLOG´

In re F.

, 406 A.2d 986,

989 (N.J. Sup. Ct. Ch. Div. 1979) (granting two children the right to

visit their birth father after adoption);

In re McDevitt

, 162 N.Y.S.

1032, 1033 (Sup. Ct. 1917) (describing post-adoption visitation

agreement between birth mother and paternal aunt);

Rodgers v.

Willia

m

son

, 489 S.W.2d 558, 560 (Tex. 1973) (discussing adoption

decree permitting a father's visitation with his son after stepparent

adoption).

S

ee also

William Meezan & Joan F. Shireman, Care and

Commitment 220 (asserting that such open adoptions will become

more frequent as foster parents continue to adopt older children);

Amadio & Deutsch,

supra

note 31, at 83-85 (describing established

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Goldfeder, Sheff

Thus, a variety of contemporary scenarios

introduced the question of parental multiplicity into

the law. Child custody and welfare issues upon

dissolution of plural marital associations are not

meaningfully different from issues in

de facto

polygamy or the various scenarios that generate

³WKLUG SDUW\´ SDUHQWDO FODLPV, including serial

polygamy, repro-tech families, grandparents, and

adoption. Family law is in transition, and courts are

already developing precedents by which to allocate

parental rights among multiple claimants.

92

These

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%

procedures in Illinois for open adoptions of foster children) (

cited in

Annette Ruth Appell,

Blending F a

m

ilies Through Adoption :

I

m

plications for Collaborative Adoption Law and Practice

, 75 B.U.

L. REV. 997, 1061 fn.77 (1995).

92

S

ee e.g.

Stacy Furukawa, U.S. Dept. of Commerce, Series P70, No.

38,

The Diverse Living Ar range

m

ents of Children

: Summer 1991, 3-4

(1994) (reporting that only fifty and eight-tenth percent of all children

live in nuclear families composed of only two parents and their

biological children, twenty-two percent live with two-parent families

in which one or both parents are not their biological parents, twenty-

four percent live in one-parent families, and one and seven-tenth

percent live with their grandparents rather than their parents).

S

ee

also

Katharine T. Barlett,

Rethinking Parenthood as an Exclusive

S

tatus: The Need for Legal Alternatives When the Pre

m

ise of the

Nuclea r Fa

m

ily Has Fai led

, 70 VA. L. REV. 879 (1984) (quoted in

Appell,

Blending Fa

m

ilies Through Adoption: I

m

plications for

Collaborative Adoption Law and Practice

, 75 B.U. L. REV. 997,

1061, fn.69 (1995).

S

ee also

Martha L. Minow,

Redefining F a

m

ilies:

Who

'

s in and Who

'

s Out?

, 62 U. COLO. L. REV. 269 (1991).

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Goldfeder, Sheff

harms are not polyamorous in nature; they are just

those of the modern family.

In sum, family law has already

disaggregated marriage from parenting.

93

States

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%

93

S

ee

John Lawrence Hill,

What Does It Mean to Be A " Parent"? The

Clai

m

s of Biology As the Basis for Parental Rights

, 66 N.Y.U. L.

REV. 353, 376 (1991);

S

ee also

S

tanley v. I llionis

, 405 U.S. 645 (1972) (addressing the right

of an unmarried father to establish or maintain a legally recognized

relationship with his child, involving a challenge to the

constitutionality of an Illinois statute that conclusively presumed

every unwed father unfit to care for his children). Appellant Stanley

had lived with his children and their mother for eighteen years

without benefit of marriage.

Id.

Upon the mother's death, the State

declared the children its wards and assumed responsibility for their

care and custody without affording Stanley a hearing or establishing

his unfitness.

Id.

The effect of the state rule denied Stanley status as

the legally recognized parent of the children.

Id.

The Supreme Court

rejected this statutory scheme because it violated both procedural due

process and equal protection guarantees.

Id.

Implicit in the Court's

GHFLVLRQ ZDV WKH YLHZ WKDW 6WDQOH\ ZDV LQGHHG D ³SDUHQW´ IRU

constitutional purposes, notwithstanding the State's more restrictive

legislative definition. According to the Court, therefore, under the

Constitution, a state may not make marriage a sine qua non for

DVFULSWLRQRISDWHUQDOULJKWV´

Id.

;

S

ee also

Katharine T. Bartlett,

Rethinking Parenthood as an

Exclusive

S

tatus: The Need for Legal Alternatives When the Pr e

m

ise

of the Nuclear Fa

m

ily Has Fa iled

, 70 VA. L. REV. 879 (1984).

S

ee

also

Candace M. Zierdt,

Make New Par ents but Keep the Old

, 69

N.D. L. REV. 497 (1993).

S

ee also

Kris Franklin,

A Fa

m

ily Like Any

Other F a

m

ily: Alternative Methods of Defining F a

m

ily Law

, 18

N.Y.U. REV .L. & SOC. CHANGE 1027 (1990-1991) (examining the

differences between the nuclear family and its alternatives, and

asserting that the nuclear family does not accurately reflect the

UHDOLWLHVRIRXUVRFLHW\DQGZKDWFRQVWLWXWHV³WKHIDPLO\´KDVEHFRPH

a hotly contested political issue).

S

ee also

Katharine K. Baker,

Bionor

m

ativity and the Construction of Parenthood

, 42 GA. L. REV.

649, 651 (2008) [hereinafter Baker, Bionormativity] (footnote

omitted);

cf.

Annette R. Appell, Controll ing for Kin: Ghosts

in

The

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Goldfeder, Sheff

have a separate law of parenthood, and this law

generates norms to grapple with parental

multiplicity, both during and after the duration of

the parental relationship.

94

Open-ended intimate

multiplicity already exists.

95

Even if critics argue

about its harms, costs, and regulatory challenges,

plural marriage is not a necessary condition for

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Post

m

odern Fa

m

ily

, 25 WIS. J.L. GENDER & SOC¶Y 73, 78 (2010)

(discussing persistence of biological connections in adoptive,

reprotech, and stepfamilies, and suggesting law take lessons from

contact norms utilized in adoption law).

94

S

ee

Kristine L. Burks,

Redefining Parenthood: Child Custody and

Visitation When Nontr aditional Fa

m

ilies Dissolve

, 24 GOLDEN GATE

U. L. REV. 223, 230 (1994).

S

ee also

Teresa Stanton

Collett,

Benefits, Non

m

arital

S

tatus, and the H o

m

osexual Agenda

, 11

WIDENER J. PUB. L. 379, 380-97 (2002)

(listing marital benefits and

obligations); Michael S. Wald,

S

a

m

e-

S

ex Couples: Marriage,

Fa

m

ilies, and Children

,

available at

http://www.buddybuddy.com/wald-1.html (Dec. 1999).

S

ee also

Naomi R. Cahn,

The Moral Co

m

plexities of Fa

m

ily Law

, 50 STAN. L.

REV. 225, 228 (1997). Supporters of pluralistic family configurations

maintain that moral discourse about the family has not disappeared.

Id.

Rather, it has diverged IURP D IRFXV RQ ³IDXOW VH[XDOLW\ DQG

SDWULDUFKDO SULYLOHJHV´ ZLWKLQ IDPLOLHV FRPSULVLQJ RI WZR PDUULHG

parents of opposite sex and their biological offspring, shifting to a

FRQVLGHUDWLRQ RI ³IDLUQHVV HTXLW\ DQG FDUHJLYLQJ´ ZLWKLQ ³NLQVKLSV

of responsibLOLW\´

Id.

at 228-29.

S

ee

Barbara Bennett Woodhouse,

It

All Depends on What You Mean by Ho

m

e: Toward a Co

mm

unitari an

7KHRU\RIWKH³1RQWUDGLWLRQDO´)DPLO\, 1996 UTAH L. REV. 569, 587.

S

ee also

Katharine T. Bartlett,

S

aving the F a

m

ily fro

m

the Refor

m

ers

,

31 U.C. DAVIS L. REV.   IDYRULQJ ³UHVSHFWRU PRUDO

accommodation for a broad range of family forms that are capable of

SURYLGLQJQXUWXULQJ HQYLURQPHQWVWRLWVPHPEHUV´TXRWHGLQ-DPHV

Herbie DiFonzo,

Unbundling Marri age

, 32 HOFSTRA L. REV

.

31, 70,

fn.71 (2003).

95

S

ee

Goldfeder,

supra

note 13.

Vol.%5,%2013%

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%

Goldfeder, Sheff

these already occurring concerns. Formal,

contemporaneous polygamy, serial monogamy, and

de facto

polygamy all share some of the

vulnerabilities and uncertainties with regard to

struggles for financial, and particularly emotional,

resources among families.

96

Despite ongoing

controversy, society does not ban

de facto

polygamy.

97

With the advent of no-fault divorce,

serial monogamy is the norm.

98

Family law has

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

%

96

Davis, at 2028.

97

Michele Alexandre,

Lessons fro

m

Isla

m

ic Polyga

m

y: A Case for

Expanding the A

m

eri can Concept of

S

urviving

S

pouse

S

o As to

Include

De Facto

Polyga

m

ous

S

pouses

, 64 WASH. & LEE L. REV.

>KHUHLQDIWHU$OH[DQGUH/HVVRQV@DGYRFDWLQJ³WKDW

a redefinition of the concept of the surviving spouse in American

estate distribution will help to legally protect de facto spouses in the

LQKHULWDQFH FRQWH[W´ 

S

ee also generally

Susan Frelich Appleton,

Parents by the Nu

m

bers

, 37 HOFSTRA L. REV. 11 (2008)

(distinguishing biological, functional, and estoppel approaches to

parental multiplicity); Melanie B. Jacobs,

Micah Has One Mo

mm

y

and One Legal

S

tranger: Adjudicating Maternity for Nonbiological

Lesbian Coparents

, 50 BUFF. L. REV. GHVFULELQJFRXUWV¶

use of equitable doctrines to determine legal relationship of lesbian

coparents and children); Melanie B. Jacobs,

Why Just Two?

Disaggregating Traditional Par ental Rights and Responsibilities to

Recognize Multiple Parents

, 9 J.L. & FAM. STUD. 309, 310 (2007)

³>'@RFWULQHV VXFK DV LQWHQWLRQDO DQG IXQFWLRQDO SDUHQWKRRG KDYH

been applied by courts to legalize the coparentage of a child by a

nonbiological gay or lesbian partner . . . ´

98

S

ee e.g.

Pott er v. Murray City

, 585 F. Supp. 1126, 1142 n.7 (D.

Utah 1984) (noting that plaintiff, fired from his job as a police officer

for practicing polygamy, had sought the admission during discovery

WKDW ³WKH KLJK UDWHRI GLYRUFH LQW KH8 QLWHd States has often turned

today's American familial relationships into a form of serial

Vol.%5,%2013%

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%

Goldfeder, Sheff

already developed robust norms to grapple with the

LPSOLFDWLRQV DQG HIIHFWV RI ³VHULDO´ RSHQ-ended

multiplicity with regard to children.

99

As previously mentioned, child

endangerment concerns often surround the practice

of plural marriage, and advocates advance those

concerns in order to justify criminalizing the

practice.

100

Nevertheless, bigamy is a separate and

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

%

SRO\JDP\´DIIG)GWK&LUDIILUPLQJGLVWULFW

court's rejection of plaintiff's free exercise and privacy-based

challenge to his termination); David G. Maillu,

The White

m

an

'

s

Polyga

m

y

, in OUR KIND OF POLYGAMY 29 (1988) (quoted in

Elizabeth F. Emens,

Monoga

m

y

'

s Law: Co

m

pulsory Monoga

m

y and

Polya

m

orous Existenc e

, 29 N.Y.U. REV. L. & SOC. CHANGE 277, 376

(2004)).

S

ee also

Rock-

S

alting the

S

lippery

S

lope: Why

S

a

m

e-

S

ex

Marriage Is Not A Co

mm

it

m

ent to Polyga

m

ous Marriage

, 29 N. KY.

L. REV. 521, 544 (2002)

99

S

ee genera lly

J. Thomas Oldham,

Ali Principl es of F a

m

ily

Dissolution :

S

o

m

e Co

mm

ents

, 1997 U. ILL. L. REV. 801, 831 (1997).

S

ee also

Marvin M. Moore,

The

S

ignificance of A D ivorced Father

'

s

Re

m

ar riage in Adjudi cating A Motion to Modify His Chi ld

S

upport

Obligations

, 18 CAP. U. L. REV. 483 (1989); Jennifer E. Horne,

The

Brady Bunch and O ther Fi ctions: How Courts Decide Chi ld Custody

Disputes Involving Re

m

arried Pa rents

, 45 STAN. L. REV. 2073, 2074

(1993); Edward R. Anderson & Shannon M. Greene,

Beyond

Divorc e: Research on Children in Repa rtnered and Re

m

ar ried

Fa

m

ilies

, 51 FAM. CT. REV. 119 (2013).

100

S

ee e.g.

Joanna L. Grossman & Lawrence M. Friedman, ³6L

ster

:LYHV´ :LOO 5HDOLW\6KR Z6WDUV )DFH 3URVHFXWLRQ IRU 3RO\JDP\LQ

Utah?

, FINDLAW (Oct. 4, 2010),

http://writ.news.findlaw.com/grossman/20101004.html (stating

Brown family does not appear to violate other criminal laws often

violated by polygamists, such as child marriage, rape, or sex with

minors, meaning state will have to determine whether to prosecute

%URZQ IDPLO\ IRU SRO\JDP\ ³LQ LWV SXUHVW IRUP´ ³6LVWHU :LYHV´

Vol.%5,%2013%

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Goldfeder, Sheff

distinct offense from child endangerment crimes, as

bigamy only requires being simultaneously

³PDUULHG´WRPXOWLSOHSHRSOH

101

Bigamy is seldom

prosecuted in the absence of a child endangerment

charge, which suggests that polyamory is not a

crime that law enforcement officials typically

consider to be sufficiently important to waste

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

%

Biga

m

y Prosecution Would Be Ra re

, FOX NEWS (Oct. 8, 2010),

http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2010/10/08/sister-wives-

bigamy-case-stats-dont-lie/ (stating review of Utah bigamy

prosecutions revealed no recent prosecutions for bigamy that were

unaccompanied by some form of child endangerment crime because

of lack of resources to prosecute all polygamists solely for crime of

bigamy); Ben Winslow, 8WDK &R 3URVHFXWRUV :DQW WR 6HH µ%LJ

3LFWXUH¶RI3URVHFXWLQJ5HDOLW\793RO\JDPLVWV, FOX 13 NEWS (Sept.

28, 2010), http://www.fox13now.com/news/local/kstu-sister-wives-

stars-investigated-bigamy, 0,6323096.story (citing information from

Utah Attorney General's Office indicating that Office does not

typically prosecute polygamy alone because of lack of resources and

instead opt to prosecute polygamy only when accompanied by other

crimes such as underage marriages) (quoted in Kaitlin R. McGinnis,

³6LVWHU :LYHV´ $ 1HZ %HJLQQLQJ IRU 8QLWHG 6WDWHV 3RO\JDPLVW

Fa

m

ilies on the Eve of Polyga

m

y Prose cution?

, 19 VILL. SPORTS &

ENT. L.J. 249, 280 (2012).

S

ee a lso

Martin Guggenheim,

Texas

Polyga

m

y and Child Welfar e

, 46 HOUS. L. REV. 759, 810 (2009);

Julie Cart,

Utah Paying a High Pri ce for Polyga

m

y

, LOS ANGELES

TIMES, September 9, 2001,

available at

http://www.rickross.com/reference/polygamy/polygamy69.html.

101

µ7KHFULPH RIELJDP\LV FRPPLWWHGE\WKHDFWRIPDUU\Lng while

the spouse by a former marriage is still alive and the former marriage

is still in force. At common law, entering into a second marriage

while the first remained undissolved was designated as polygamy,

DQGV WDWXWHVPD\ VWLOO HPSOR\WKDW WHUP¶  A.L.R.6th 1 (Originally

published in 2007).

Vol.%5,%2013%

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%

Goldfeder, Sheff

resources investigating and prosecuting.

102

Furthermore, as our research illustrates, polygamy

and child welfare concerns do not always occur

simultaneously.

103

This article is not, however, the

first to recognize this phenomenon; one recent study

of twenty-seven polygamous families concluded

that these abuses are caused by ³SDUWLFXODUO\

G\VIXQFWLRQDO´ SRO\J\QLVW IDPLOLHV UDWKHU WKDQ

problems inherent to polygyny.

104

Condemning

every practicing polygynist to prevent the abuses of

some polygynists may be counterintuitive.

105

Some

law enforcement officials agree; one Federal Bureau

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

%

102

S

ee, e.g.,

Timothy Egan,

The Persist ence of Polyga

m

y

, N.Y.

TIMES (Feb. 28, 1999),

http://www.nytimes.com/1999/02/28/magazine/the-persistence-of-

polygamy.html (providing that no one has been prosecuted for

polygamy alone in Utah in almost fifty years).

103

S

ee

-DQHW %HQQLRQµ:RPHQ RI 3ULQFLSOH )HPDOH 1HWZRUNLQJLQ

&RQWHPSRUDU\ 0RUPRQ 3RO\JDP\¶ 1HZ <RUN 2[IRUG 8QLYHUVLW\

Press, 1998.

104

Irwin Altman & Joseph Ginat,

Polyga

m

ous F a

m

ilies in

Conte

m

porary

S

ociety

, Cambridge University Press (1996) (quoted in

Maura Strassberg,

The Cri

m

e of Polyga

m

y

, 12 TEMP. POL. & CIV.

RTS. L. REV. 353, 398 (2003)).

105

S

ee

Jessie L. Embry, Mormon Polygamous Families: Life in the

Principle (1987), noting, after years of studying polygamous

communities, that it is neither polygamy nor monogamy that dictates

harmonious marital relationships. Rather, individual personalities

have much more influence. The abilities of the participants to get

along and treat one another fairly are far more crucial to marital

satisfaction than the form the marriage takes.

Vol.%5,%2013%

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%

Goldfeder, Sheff

of Investigations agent familiar with polygynous

sects recently stated, ³$W OHDVW  RI DOO

polygamists are peaceful, law-abiding people, no

WKUHDW WR DQ\ERG\ ,W¶V XQIRUWXQDWH WKDW WKH\¶UH

VWLJPDWL]HGE\DEDQGRIUHQHJDGHV´

106

Consequently, the state must advance some

other legitimate interest in order to justify

criminalizing bigamy post-

Lawrence

because, like

homosexual conduct, the practice of polygamy is

DUJXDEO\D³SHUVRQDO UHODWLRQVKLSWKDWLVZLWKLQ

the liberty of persons to choose without being

SXQLVKHG DV FULPLQDO´

107

Until then, though, if a

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

%

106

Bella Stumbo,

No T idy

S

tereotype; Polyga

m

ists: Tale of Two

Fa

m

ilies

, L.A. TIM ES, May 13, 1988, Part 1, at 1 (quoted in Emily J.

Duncan,

The Positive Ef fec ts of Legalizing Polyga

m

y: " Love Is A

Many

S

plendored Thing"

, 15 DUKE J. GENDER L. & POL'Y 315, 337

(2008)).

107

S

ee

Lawrence v. Texas, 539 U.S. 558, 567 (2003); Kaitlin R.

McGinnis, ³6LVWHU :LYHV´ $ 1HZ %HJLQQLQJ IRU 8QLWHG 6WDWHV

Polyga

m

ist Fa

m

ilies on the Eve of Polyga

m

y Prosecution?

, 19 VILL.

SPORTS & ENT. L.J. 249 (2012).

S

ee also generally

Moore v. Ci ty of

E. Cl eveland, Ohio

, 431 U.S. 494 (1977).

Moore

involved a zoning

ordinance that limited occupancy of dwellings to members of a single

family.

Id.

Appellant Moore was charged with violating the

ordinance because she lived in a home with her son and t wo

JUDQGVRQV DQ DUUDQJHPHQW ZKLFK GLG QRW PHHW WKH RUGLQDQFH¶V

GHILQLWLRQRI³IDPLO\´

Id.

Moore argued that the ordinance violated

her substantive due process rights under the Fourteenth Amendment,

and a plurality of the Court agreed.

Id.

Specifically, the Court stated,

³WKH &RQVWLWXWLRQ SUHYHQWV (DVW &OHYHODQG IURP VWDQGDUGL]LQJ LWV

children and its adults by forcing all to live in certain narrowly

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Goldfeder, Sheff

rational policy exists in this area, it should consider

the legalization of polygamy, thereby allowing

greater regulation of the practice, compelling

polygynous families to emerge from the shadows,

and openly assisting the women and children who

live in them.

108

Some courts are starting to agree.

109

In a

recent important shift, some courts have held that

participation in polygamous arrangements does not

bar adoption or child custody.

110

In 1955, the Utah

Supreme Court upheld a finding of child neglect

and the removal of several children from their

SDUHQWV¶ KRPH, EDVHG VROHO\ RQ WKH SDUHQWV¶

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

%

GHILQHGIDPLO\ SDWWHUQV´

Id.

at 506. Consequently, although not as

on point as

Lawr ence

,

Moore

is another opinion that suggests that

family and other personal relationships should be free from

government intrusion absent a state interest sufficient to meet the

&RXUW¶VOHYHORIVFUXWLQ\

S

ee general ly Moore

at 279.

108

Emily J. Duncan,

The Positive Effects of Lega lizing Polyga

m

y:

" Love Is A Many

S

plendored Thing "

, 15 DUKE J. GENDER L. & POL'Y

315, 316 (2008).

109

S

ee

Lauren C. Miele, Big Love or Big Problem: Should

Polygamous Relationships Be A Factor in Determining Child

Custody?, 43 NEW ENG. L. REV. 105 (2008).

110

S

ee

Amy Fry,

Polyga

m

y in A

m

erica: How the Varying L egal

S

tandards Fa il to Protect Mothers and Children fro

m

Its Abuses

, 54

ST. LOUIS U. L.J. 967, 992 (2010).

Vol.%5,%2013%

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Goldfeder, Sheff

unlawful polygamous marriage.

111

In 1987,

however, that same court ruled that a divorced

PRWKHU¶VSRO\JDPRXVUH-marriage could not be used

as the primary ground for granting her ex-KXVEDQG¶V

UHTXHVW IRU FXVWRG\ RI WKH FRXSOH¶V FKLOGUHQ

112

Most recently, in 1991, the Utah Supreme Court

held that polygamy, standing alone, is insufficient

automatically to disqualify polygamists as adoptive

parents.

113

These developments suggest that, while

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

%

111

In re Black,

S

tate in Interest of

, 283 P.2d 887, 912-13 (Utah

1955). The court commits enough harm by removing children based

solely on the fact that polygamy was practiced in their presence and

that they were encouraged to believe and engage in plural marriage.

S

ee id.

at 901.

112

S

anderson v. Tryon

, 739 P.2d 623, 627 (Utah 1987) (holding that

³D SDUHQWV H[WUD-marital sexual relationship alone is insufficient to

MXVWLI\ D FKDQJH LQ FXVWRG\´ DQG WKHUHIRUH HYLGHQFH WKH mother is

practicing polygamy is insufficient on its own to support the lower

court's finding) ,QVWHDG WKH FRXUW IRXQG ³polygamous practices

should only be considered as one among many other factors

regarding [a child's@EHVWLQWHUHVWV´

Id.

113

S

ee

Matter of Adoption of W.A.T.

, 808 P.2d 1083 (Utah 1991).

³7KH fact that our constitution requires the state to prohibit polygamy

does not necessarily mean that the state must deny any or all civil

rights and privileges to polygamists. It is true that bigamy is a crime

in Utah and that one of the petitioners here is concededly a bigamist.

7KH VDPH SRUWLRQ RI WKH FULPLQDO FRGH ³2IIHQVHV $JDLQVW WKH

)DPLO\´ ZKLFK PDNHV ELJDP\ D FULPH KRZHYHU DOVR FULPLQDOL]HV

adultery, fornication, nonsupport of children, surrogate parenthood

contracts, and unauthorized abortions.

S

ee gener ally

UTAH CODE

ANN. §§ 76±7±101 to ±325 (2013). Innumerable other acts are of

course defined as crimes by other portions of the criminal code. It is

not the role of trial courts to make threshold exclusions dismissing

without consideration, for example, the adoption petitions of all

Vol.%5,%2013%

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%

Goldfeder, Sheff

polygamy is still socially and legally marginalized,

polygamy does not bear so much of its former

stigma, particularly relating to the welfare of

children.

114

The polyamorous movement argues that

³PXOWLSOH SDUHQWLQJ´ LV DFWXDOO\ SRWHQWLDOO\

beneficial to children in a number of ways.

115

Children of the unions are guaranteed to have care

and supervision provided by multiple adults, and

with so many spouses, spouses participate in a

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

%

convicted felons, all persons engaging in fornication or adultery, or

other persons engaged in other illegal activities. There is likewise no

legitimate basis for the courts to disqualify all bigamists

(polygamists) aVSRWHQWLDODGRSWHUV¶

Id.

at 1085.

114

S

ee

In r e Texas Dept. of F a

m

ily & Protective

S

ervices

, 255

S.W.3d 613 (Tex. 2008) (agreeing with the appellate court finding

WKDW WKH 7H[DV VWDWXWH UHTXLUHG D VKRZLQJ RI ³LPPLQHQW´ KDUP WR

determine whether children were in danger and needed to be

removed, and that the mothers were practicing polygamy did not

constitute that kind of harm).

115

S

ee e.g.

Elaine S. Cook,

Co

mm

it

m

ent in Polya

m

orous

Relationships

 'LVV 5HJLV 8QLYHUVLW\  DW   ³$OO RI WKRVH

who commented on children thought that polyamory was beneficial

for the children. Other adults can help raise the kids. If the other

adults are local, "The kids are never on the shorts for somebody who

can pay attention to them." The kids have more role models. The

parents suggested I interview both the child and her older stepsister,

EXW , WROG WKHP WKDW WKDW ZRXOG KDYH WR ZDLWIRU D GLI IHUHQW VWXG\¶

This is that study.

Vol.%5,%2013%

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%

Goldfeder, Sheff

specialized division of labor.

116

Polyamory creates

a new form of extended family that can allow some

parents to care for children at home while other

parents pursue a career or simply support the family

financially.

117

Whereas a single adult or even two

DGXOWVZLWKOLWWOHRUQRWLPHWRWKHPVHOYHVFDQ³EXUQ

RXW´PXOWLSOHDGXOWVFDQ PHHWWKHHQGOHVVQHHGVRI

children without becoming frustrated or

insensitive.

118

Children can benefit from having

multiple loving parents who can offer not only more

quality time, but a greater range of interests and

HQHUJ\ OHYHOV WR PDWFK WKH FKLOG¶V RZQ XQLTXH DQG

growing personality.

119

In addition, because of the

polyamorous focus on openness and honesty in

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

%

116

S

ee

Scott Anderson,

The Polyga

m

ists: An Exclusive Look Inside

the F LD

S

, NAT¶L GEOGRAPHIC, Feb. 2010, at 50.

117

S

ee

Ryam Nearing,

Do You Want to a Date or a Ma te

?, THE

BEST OF LOVING MORE MAGAZINE VOL. NO. 1, at 72(1997),

quoted in Maura I. Strassberg, The Challenge of Post -Modern

Polygamy: Considering Polyamory, 31 CAP. U. L. REV. 439, 464

(2003).

118

S

ee

Deborah Anapol,

The Upside of Polya

m

ory

, PSYCHOLOGY

TODAY, Dec. 22, 2010 (last visited May 10, 2013

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-without-

limits/201012/the-upside-polyamory).

119

T.L. Williams, 3RO\DPRU\ YV6 ZLQJLQJ:KDW¶VWKH 'LIIHUHQF

e?

,

LALA LAND , Jun. 27, 2011 (last visited May 10, 2013

http://ladaewilliams.blogspot.com/2011/06/polyamory-vs-swinging-

whats-difference.html.

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Goldfeder, Sheff

regard to feelings,

120

children in polyamorous

homes can develop a greater than usual propensity

for emotional intimacy.

121

As this article

GHPRQVWUDWHV 6KHII¶V UHVHDUFK VXSSRUWV WKHVH

polyamorous community contentions.

122

III. CHILDREN IN POLYAMOROUS FAMILIES

SPEAK OUT

The academic and legal custody discussions

about children in polyamorous relationships have

relied almost exclusively on evidence from a few

potentially anachronistic polygynous relationships

and scholarly speculation regarding the experiences

of children in polyamorous families.

123

While work

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

%

120

Kenneth R. Haslam,

The 12 Pill ars of Polya

m

ory

, POLYAMOROUS

PERCOLATIONS, May 15, 2008 (adapted from a lecture given to

Polyamorous NYC on March, 19 2008),

available at

http://www.polyamoryonline.org/articles/12pillars.html.

121

Maria Pallotta-Chiarolli,

These Are Our Children: Polya

m

orous

Parenting

,

LGBT-PARENT FAMI LIE

S

117-31 (2013).

122

Elisabeth Sheff. 2013. The Polyamorists Next Door: Inside

Multiple Partner Relationships and Families. Lanham, MD: Rowman

and Littlefield.

123

S

ee

Alicia Potter,

Fr ee Love Grows Up

, THE BOSTON

PHOENIX, Oct. 15-22, 1998 (last visited May 10, 2013 http://

www.bostonphoenix.com/archive/features/98/10/15/POLYAMORIS

TS.html).

S

ee also

Antalffy, Nikó,

Polya

m

ory and the Media

, 8

SCAN| J. MEDIA ARTS CULTURE _ (2011), and Woodruff-Diaz and

Sarah Kay.

Polya

m

ory as " Ethical Non

m

onoga

m

y" : A Viable

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Goldfeder, Sheff

needs to be done on parenting in poly-relationships

more generally,

124

as of yet, no one has published

anything that directly speaks to the harms that

children may experience based on their parents

being polyamorous.

125

IV. THE POLYAMOROUS FAMILIES STUDY

In this section, the article explores the

experiences that twenty-two children in

polyamorous families who participated in the

³Polyamorous Family Study,´ a fifteen-year

longitudinal, ethnographic study of polyamorous

people and their children

126

. Sheff collected data

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

%

Alternative to Infidelity: A Project Based upon an Independent

Invest igation

, Thesis, Smith College School for Social Work (2010).

124

S

ee e.g.

Maria Pallotta-Chiarolli,

Polyparents Having Children,

Raising Children,

S

chooling Children

, 7 LESBIAN & GAY PSYCHOL.

REV

.

48 (2012); Meg Barker & Darren Langdridge,

Understanding

Non-Monoga

m

ies

, ROUTLEDGE (2010).

125

S

ee

W. C. Duncan, "The More the Merrier?," THE AMERICAN

SPECTATOR, Sept. 2, 2010 (last visited May 10, 2013

http://spectator.org/archives/2010/09/02/the-more-the-merrier).

126

Elisabeth Sheff,

Relationship Innovations a

m

ong Polya

m

orists:

Fa

m

ily,

S

exuality, and Gender

8QSXEOLVKHG'LVVHUWDWLRQ'HS¶W6RF

Univ. Colo. (2005); Elisabeth Sheff,

Polya

m

orous Wo

m

en,

S

exual

S

ubjectivity, and Power

, 34 J. CONTEMP. ETHNOGR APHY 251 (2005);

Elisabeth Sheff,

Poly- Hege

m

onic Masculini ties

, 9

S

EX U A L IT I E

S

621

(2006); Elisabeth Sheff,

S

trategies in Polya

m

orous Parenting

in

UN D ER

S

TA ND IN G NO N-M O N O G AM I E

S

(Meg Barker and Darren

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Goldfeder, Sheff

through three waves of in-depth interviews and

participant observation with polyamorists.

127

The

initial wave of data collection (1996 - 2003) focused

on adults in polyamorous relationships, some of

whom had children.

128

The second wave of data

collection (2007 - 2008) concentrated on

polyamorous adults who were members of families

with children, and the third wave of data collection

(2009 - 2012) focused on children in polyamorous

families and their relevant adults. The total sample

for all three waves of data collection came to 131

interviewees²twenty-two of whom were children

between the ages of five and seventeen²and

roughly 500 people involved in participant

observation.

Interviews were semi-structured and lasted

from one-and-one-half to two hours, and followed a

pattern in which respondents answered an initial

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

%

Langdridge, eds., 2010). Elisabeth Sheff and Corie Hammers,

The

Privil ege of Perversities: Race, Cl ass, and Education a

m

ong

Polya

m

orists and K inksters

,

S

EX UA LIT Y & P

S

YC H O L .

(2011).

127

Elisabeth Sheff,

Relationship Innova tions a

m

ong Polya

m

orists:

Fa

m

ily,

S

exuality, and Gender

8QSXEOLVKHG'LVVHUWDWLRQ'HS¶W6RF

Univ. Colo. (2005).

128

Id.

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Goldfeder, Sheff

series of questions regarding demographic

characteristics, entry into polyamory, and current

relationships. The second and third rounds of

interviews focused more pointedly on familial

experiences, social interactions, parenting,

relationships with partners and bio-legal kin,

definitions of family, and interactions with

LQVWLWXWLRQV LH FKLOGUHQ¶V VFKRROV Participants

selected their own pseudonyms.

Data analysis involved a modified form of

grounded theory,

129

a method that has proven

particularly useful in other family studies.

130

Employing inductive data gathering methods

131

and

constant comparative methods,

132

Sheff analyzed

the interview data and her field notes using a

process that included: a) reading transcripts and

generating initial coding categories; b) identifying

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

%

129

Kathy Charmaz,

Grounded Theory: Objectivist and Constructivist

Methods

in

HAN DB OO K O F QU AL IT AT IV E RE

S

E AR C H

, 509-535 (N. K.

Denzin & Y. S. Lincoln, eds., 2000).

130

Ralph LaRossa,

Grounded Theory Methods and Qua litative

Fa

m

ily Research

, 67

J. MARR IA GE & FA M.

837 (2005).

131

John Lofland & Lynn Lofland,

ANA LYZ IN G

S

O CI AL

S

ET TIN G

S

: A

G UI DE TO Q UA LIT ATI VE O B

S

ER VAT IO N A ND AN ALY

S

I

S

(1995).

132

Barney Glaser & Anslem Strauss,

TH E DI

S

C OV ERY O F GRO UN DE D

TH E O RY :

S

TR AT E G I E

S

FOR QU ALI TA TIV E R E

S

EA R C H

(1967).

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Goldfeder, Sheff

and relating similar ideas and the relationships

between and among categories; c) adjusting these

analytical categories to fit emergent theoretical

concepts; d) collecting additional data to verify

and/or challenge the validity of those concepts; and

e) probing these data for the boundaries and

variations of common themes.

133

The data in this article comes primarily from

the third wave of data collection. Because the

initial study was not designed to be a longitudinal

research project and the Institutional Research

Board

134

required that Sheff destroy all identifying

information, she was only able to locate those

members of the original sample who retained

enough contact with mainstream polyamorous

communities to receive the calls for participation in

the follow-up study. Thus, the current data do not

include the perspectives of individuals who may

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

%

133

Barney Glaser & Rosalind Hertz,

QUALI TA TI VE

S

O CI OL OG Y A

S

EV ERY DAY LIFE

(1999).

134

Institutional Research Boards, or IRBs, are bodies that are

associated with universities in the United States and oversee the

ethical and legal implications of all research conducted under the

auspices of the university. One of their most important purposes is to

protect human subjects from harms resulting from research.

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have stopped participating in these poly-

communities.

Contrary to the image that many people may

have of the typical plural marriage family as rural

denizens living isolated and impoverished lives,

respondents of the ³Polyamorous Family Study´

tended to be white, very highly educated, middle or

upper middle class people living in urban or

suburban areas of large cities and working in

professional occupations, such as information

technology, mental and physical health care

services, and education. The social privileges that

the population enjoys contribute to the positive

outcomes that many of the children from

polyamorous families experience.

While the results of this study are not

statistically generalizable to the entire population of

polyamorists in North America, Sheff believes that

they accurately portray polyamorous families in the

United States. 6KHII¶V ILQGLQJV DOVR FRUUHODWH ZLWK

RWKHUV¶ ILQGLQJV RQ FKLOGUHQ LQ SRO\DPRURXV RU

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open-marriage families in the United States

135

and

Australia.

136

6LPLODU WR RWKHUV¶ UHVHDUFK Rn other

families of sexual minorities,

137

there was no way to

draw a statistically representative sample of an

unknown universe populated by closeted figures

bent on avoiding the potential impacts of stigma.

Respondent bias similarly affects the

generalizability of the results, in that the people

who are most functional and feel that they have

nothing to hide are most likely to volunteer for

research in general, and family research in

particular is weighted towards families that see

themselves as healthy and are not abusing their

spouses or molesting their children. Given the

VDPSOLQJ OLPLWDWLRQV LW LV SRVVLEOH WKDW 6KHII¶V

findings tend to emphasize the more optimistic

elements of polyamorous families because they are

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

%

135

Larry Constantine & Joan Constantine,

GRO UP MARRIAG E: A

S

TU DY O F C ONTEM PO RAR Y M ULTI LATE RAL M ARRI AG E

(1973).

136

Maria Pallotta-Chiarolli,

BORD ER

S

EX U A LI T I E

S

, BORD ER FAM I LI E

S

IN

S

C H O O L

S

(2010); Damien Riggs, 'HYHORSLQJ D µ5HVSRQVLEOH¶

Foster Ca re Praxis: Poly as a Fra

m

ework for Exa

m

ining Power and

Propriety in Fa

m

ily C ontexts

in

UN D ER

S

TA ND IN G NON -MO N O G A M IE

S

(Meg Barker & Darren Langdridge, eds., 2010).

137

Christopher Carrington,

NO PL AC E LI KE H OM E: RE L A TI O N

S

HIP

S

AN D F AMI LY LI FE A MO NG L E

S

BI AN

S

A ND G AY M EN

(1999); Kath

Weston,

FAM I LI E

S

WE CH O O

S

E: LE

S

BI AN

S

, GAY

S

, A ND K IN

S

HIP

(1991).

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where respondents have chosen to focus their

comments. This would support Pallotta-&KLDUROOL¶V

findings that some of her respondents were invested

in portraying their polyamorous families as

³SHUIHFW´6KHHODERUDWHG

This strategy of parodying or

PLPLFNLQJ µSHUIHFW SDUHQWLQJ¶ ZDV

also utilized by many polyfamilies in

order to prevent any perceived

deficit or dysfunction in their family

being used to justify, explain, or

H[DJJHUDWH´ QHJDWLYH DVVXPSWLRQV

about their families, instead ensuring

WKDW WKH\ ZRXOG DSSHDU ³QRW RQO\

µQRUPDO¶    Eut beyond normal,

beyond fault.

138

However, even with this potentially

optimistic tone to responses, it is abundantly clear

that some polyamorous families can and in fact do

provide positive and enriching environments for

children. At minimum they are not definitionally

pathological, or at least no more pathological than

families with monogamous, serially monogamous,

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

%

138

Maria Palotta-Chiarolli,

BOR DE R

S

EX U A L I TI E

S

, BOR DE R FAM I LI E

S

IN

S

C H O O L

S

, 214 (2010).

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de facto polygamous, or polygamous members.

139

6KHII¶V VWXG\ LQGLFDWHV WKDW PDQ\ RI WKH

assumptions underlying legal decisions regarding

how children in families centered around a plural

marriage might fare are actually erroneous, based

on false assumptions or projections rather than

empirical data.

140

Having explored some of those

erroneous assumptions, this article will now

investigate the vastly different picture that children

in polyamorous families create. What follows is a

EULHI VXPPDU\ RI 6KHII¶V ILQGLQJV FRQFHUQLQJ

children, more detailed data regarding what children

in polyamorous families perceived to be the

advantages and disadvantages of these families, and

some conclusions regarding these findings.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

%

139

For more on these other populations,

see

Donna K. Ginther and

Robert A. Pollak, )DPLO\ 6WUXFWXUH DQG &KLOGUHQ¶V (GXFDWLRQDO

Outco

m

es: Bl ended F a

m

ilies,

S

tylized F acts , and Descriptive

Regressions

, 41 DEMOGRAPHY

671 (2004).

S

ee also

Judith S.

Wallerstein and Joan B. Kelly,

S

UR VIV IN G THE BRE A K U P : HO W

CHIL DR EN A ND PAR EN T

S

CO PE WIT H DIV O R C E

(1996); Barbara Bilge

and Gladis Kaufman,

Childr en of Divorce and One-pa rent Fa

m

ilies:

Cross-cultural Perspectives

,

FAM ILY RE LA T I O N

S

59-71 (1983).

140

S

ee e.g.

Reynolds v. United States, 98 U.S. 145, 150 (1878), and

Reference re: Section 293 of the Criminal Code of Canada, 2011

BCSC 1588, Introduction.

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V. FINDINGS REGARDING CHILDREN IN

POLYAMOROUS FAMILIES

A. Introduction

Respondents of the Polyamorous Family

Study who were between 5 and 17 years old had a

wide range of experiences. These experiences

varied primarily by age of respondent, with three

JURXSV HPHUJLQJ DV PRVW UHOHYDQW  ³NLGV´

EHWZHHQDQG ³WZHHQV´IURPQLQHWRDQG

 ³WHHQV´ IURP  WR  6RPH H[SHULHQFHV ZHUH

common across all age groups, though most took on

a tone specific to that developmental stage.

B. Commonalities

For the most part, respondents did not have

to manage coming out to strangers, classmates,

coaches, or teachers. As far as sexual minority

families go, poly families are not nearly as visible

or recognizable as the far better known lesbian or

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Goldfeder, Sheff

gay families.

141

The contemporary popularity of

divorce in the United States makes it commonplace

for children to have multiple parents, which helps

children from poly families with several parental

figures to blend in because step-parents and step-

siblings are standard social fare.

142

Unless poly

family members intentionally highlight and explain

their family structure, they are rarely called upon to

provide an explanation for their multiple adults. If

they choose to come out, they do so selectively,

revealing family details only to those they know and

trust, or those who ask politely in low risk or need-

to-know situations.

While some children in poly families view

the multiple adults in their lives as parents, more of

them see these adults as a chosen family member

akin to an aunt, uncle, cousin, or older sibling. Two

things make it more likely for kids in poly families

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

%

141

For a closer look at those communities,

see

Victoria Clarke, ³.LGV

$UH -XVW &UXHO $Q\ZD\´ /HVEL

an and Gay Parents

'

Talk about

Ho

m

ophobic Bullying

, 43 BRITISH J. SOC. PSYCHOL. 531 (2004).

S

ee

also

Robert Oscar Lopez,

Growing up with Two Mo

m

s; The Untold

&KLOGUHQ¶V9LHZ, The Witherspoon Institute, Aug. 6 2012 (last visited

Aug. 6, 2012 http://www.thepublicdiscourse.com/2012/08/6065/).

142

S

ee

supra

note 32 and accompanying text.

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Goldfeder, Sheff

to see additional adults as parental figures: 1) if

WKRVHDGXOWVKDYHEHHQLQWKH FKLOGUHQ¶VOLYHVVLQFH

they were babies or toddlers, and 2) the adults and

children share the same residence. Long-term,

cohabitational family members were the most likely

to take on parental roles, and children tended to cast

the people who lived elsewhere or shorter-term

partners as chosen kin and friends, but not as

parents.

Overall the children seemed remarkably

well adjusted, articulate, intelligent, and self-

confident. While they dealt with the usual issues of

childhood ± from the frustration of having to share

toys to the adolescent awkwardness of middle-

school social machinations ± these respondents

appeared to be thriving with the abundant resources

and adult attention their families provided. This

ILQGLQJ HFKRHV WKH UHVXOWV RI +XQW¶V VXE-study of

FKLOGUHQ LQ WKH &RQVWDQWLQH¶s 1973 larger study of

group-marriage households. Hunt described the

children in the sub-VWXG\ DV ³YHU\ PXFK LQ FRQWDFW

with themselves, with a highly positive image of

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themselves as valuable persons combined with a

realistic perception of their own abilities. They

accepted and valued differences in other people. In

short, most of them are confident, healthy, in-touch

NLGV´

143

C. Kids

Sheff was able to observe very young

children under five years old, but did not interview

them. Younger children between five and eight

years old tended to view all adults through a similar

OHQVRIWKHDGXOW¶VXWLOLW\LQWKHFKLOG¶VOLIH Ideas of

SDUWQHUV DQG SDUWQHUV¶ SDUWQHUV ZHUH UHVHUYHG IRU

adult understanding, and the kids defined adults by

how they interacted with and attended to the child.

Rebecca, a seven-year-old white female elementary

school student living in the Pacific Northwest with

her polyamorous mother Emerald and her nine-

year-old sister Clarabelle, was quite focused on the

IXQ VKH KDG ZLWK KHU PRWKHU¶V H[-boyfriend Greg

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

%

143

Larry Constantine and Joan Constantine,

GRO UP MA RRI A G E :

MAR RI A G E

S

O F TH RE E O R MO RE PE O P L E , HO W A ND WH Y THE Y

WORK

, 155 (1973).

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and she was oblivious to KHU PRWKHU¶V romantic

break-up. ,QUHVSRQVHWR6KHII¶VTXHVWLRQUHJDUGLQJ

ZKRZDVLQ5HEHFFD¶VIDPLO\5HEHFFDUHSRUWHG

Oh yeah, Greg comes over all the

time, we play Legos. He is King of

the Legos, he can make the best

VWXII 0RP GRHVQ¶W OLNH /HJRV VKH

WKLQNV WKH\¶UH ERULQJ EXW *UHJ ZLOO

always play with me. Clarabelle says

VKH¶VWRRROGIRU/HJRVQRZ6HHWKLV

over here, he made that too! Every

time he comes we work on it for a

while, and it stays there [on a table in

the corner of the playroom] until

next time. He and me are the only

ones allowed to touch it.

(PHUDOG 5HEHFFD¶V thirty-seven-year-old

white mother, reported in her own interview that

VKHDQG*UHJKDG³EURNHQXSURPDQWLFDOO\DERXWVL[

months ago but DUHVWLOOJRRGIULHQGV´DQG WKDWKHU

daughters did not seem to notice the end of the

romantic relationship: ³, JXHVV WKLQJV IRU WKHP DUH

pretty much the same, he still hangs out and we go

WRWKHSDUN´ 5HEHFFDGHILQHG*UHJDV³.LQJRIWKH

/HJRV´UDWKHUWKDQ³0RP¶VER\IULHQG´ True to the

developmental stage in which children of this age

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Goldfeder, Sheff

are self-centered,

144

kids in this category were not

very aware of adult relationships, and they tended

instead to view and interact with adults on the basis

of what the adult brought to their lives.

While most parents did not attempt to

conceal their polyamorous relationships, they also

did not intentionally display or especially

emphasize their romantic relationships. Kids

tended to be relatively oblivious to their familLHV¶

idiosyncracies during this stage, taking their own

status quo for granted rather than questioning the

composition or membership of their families. As

they neared the ³tween´ stage, however, they began

to notice how their families and parents differed

from some of their peers around them.

D. Tweens

Developmentally, the task of the tween is to

begin to establish a more distinct self from their

other family members.

145

Coming out of the closer

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

%

144

S

ee general ly

Erik Erikson, CHILDHOOD AND SOCIETY (1950).

145

Id.

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Goldfeder, Sheff

embrace of small childhood at home and becoming

more exposed to other children at school, on sports

teams, and in the community, tweens in

polyamorous families become increasingly aware of

WKHLU IDPLO\¶V GLIIHUHQFHV GXULQJ WKHVH \HDUV RIWHQ

asking their parents directly about their

relationships. Marcus Roan, a seventeen-year-old

Asian-American and white male high school

student, remembered realizing he was in a poly-

family when he was about nine years old. He had

previously assumed he lived in a monogamous

family and, though he had grown up around

polyamorous relationships, he had not identified

them as such because his parents:

[N]ever tried to actually hide it from

us, they never paraded their partners

around in front of us. They never

tried to hide it but they never threw it

in our faces. They kept it private.

...and then this one time, we were in

the car, and they were talking about

their other partners. I questioned

them on this. They simply explained

that they were polyamorous. I don't

remember the exact words but it was

all simple enough. They were patient

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enough and helped me to understand

it.

As he became more sophisticated, Marcus began to

take more notice of elements of his family that he

had previously taken for granted. True to

SRO\DPRURXV SDUHQWDO SDWWHUQV 0DUFXV¶V SDUHQWV

were honest with him and gave him age-appropriate

information when he broached the topic.

146

With this understanding comes a greater

need to navigate this information with peers.

<RXQJ FKLOGUHQ UDUHO\ QRWLFH HDFK RWKHU¶V IDPLOLHV

enough to question others on the adults in their

household, so kids from polyamorous families

rarely had to manage information regarding their

families. In contrast, tweens are more aware of

HDFK RWKHU¶V families, and they are more likely to

ask each other about unexplained household

members. Tweens reported being aware of their

family differences but refraining from highlighting

them, and, as a result, they rarely had to explain

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Elisabeth Sheff,

S

trategies in Polya

m

orous Pa renting

in

UNDERSTANDING NON-MONOGAMIES 169-181, (Meg Barker and

Darren Langdridge eds., 2010).

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their families. If circumstances required that they

explain apparently ³surplus family members,´ the

tweens from polyamorous families had a number of

strategies to mitigate any potentially uncomfortable

situations.

E. Teens

Like other teens, respondents between the

ages of thirteen and seventeen were quite focused

on self differentiation, both from their families and

from society at large. Some teens judged their

families negatively, despairing at the complexities

and drama of a polyamorous life. Jocelyn, a

seventeen-year-old white female high school

student, asserted in her interview that:

There is no way I would ever be

poly. No way. IW¶V WRRPXFKGUDPD

too much work. Its fine for them, I

GRQ¶W WKLQN LW KXUW PH DW DOO %XW ,

GRQ¶WWKLQNLWZDVJRRGIRUP\PRP

DQG LQ KHU SODFH , QHYHU ZRXOG¶YH

GRQH LW ,I ,¶P ZLWK VRPHERG\ ,

ZDQWDOORIKLVDWWHQWLRQ,GRQ¶WZDQW

to share. So yeah, not gonna happen.

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In this case, Jocelyn strongly distinguished herself

from her family, establishing a self that was

LQGHSHQGHQWRIKHUIDPLO\¶VOLIHVW\OH Thus, Jocelyn

mirrors the many other teens who work to establish

selves separate from their families.

Conversely, other teen respondents

distinguished themselves from society, affirming an

identity outside conventional social norms much

like other rebellious young people (punks, goths,

straight edge, etc.). Mina Roan, a fourteen-year-old

Asian-American home-schooled high school student

DQG0DUFXV¶V\RXQJHUVLVWHUVDZKHUVHOIDVFUHDWLQJ

an identity securely outside the mainstream:

,JXHVV,¶PQRWQHFHVVDULO\ZKDW\RX

would call normal, but who cares?

Normal is boring. Some of my

friends who seem really normal are

actually super cool. My best friend,

VKH¶VQRWQRUPDOHLWKHUFDXVHVKH¶VD

real Christian and her whole family

really live like Christians, follow

all

of the rules that lots of people who

FDOOWKHPVHOYHV&KULVWLDQGRQ¶WUHDOO\

IROORZ $QG ZH¶UH Pagans, but she

GRHVQ¶WFDUH+HUPRP DQG*UDQGSD

would

freak

if they knew about the

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whole pagan poly thing ± I mean

lose it

 %XW VKH GRHVQ¶W FDUH DW DOO

We just do our own thing and are

FRRO ZLWK HDFK RWKHU :H¶UH UHDOO\

different [from each other], but we

GRQ¶WFDUHZKDWRWKHUSHRSOHWKLQNVR

we are kinda the same too.

For Mina and many other teens in poly families,

normalcy appears to be overrated. Even things that

may appear to be the norm, like Christianity, can

become unconventional when practiced with fervor.

In a social context then, being a member of a

polyamorous family is just one facet of a diverse

life.

VI. &+,/'5(1¶6 PERCEIVED ADVANTAGES

Children who participated in the

³Polyamorous Family Study´ identified a number of

advantages to living in a poly-family, including

practical, emotional, and personal benefits.

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A. Practical Advantages

The most common practical advantage that

children in polyamorous families mentioned was the

all-important ³ride availability.´ Tweens and

younger teens were especially likely to mention

being able to call multiple different people for rides

as one of the primary advantages to living in a poly

family. Other important practical advantages, as

expected,

147

included more money for everyone as a

result of pooled resources and help with homework

from a wide range of people with a diverse skill set.

Practical advantages were so intertwined with

emotional and personal advantages that many

respondents¶ discussions blurred the distinctions

among these categories.

B. Emotional and Personal Advantages

In general, polyamorists emphasize honesty

and communication,

148

and the adults extend this

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147

S

ee

supra

footnote 72 and accompanying text.

148

Christian Klesse,

Polya

m

ory and

LWV µ2WKHUV¶ &RQWHVWLQJ WKH

Ter

m

s of Non-Monoga

m

y

´ 9 SEXUALITIES 565 (2006).

S

ee also

Jin

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emphasis into their parenting as well.

149

Some

children of polyamorous families appreciated

parental honesty and cast it as an advantage.

Marcus linked honesty and choice to significant

personal advantages associated with poly-families:

One of the main advantages is

knowing you have choices.

Understanding that I have a choice

and that I do not have to conform to

society, being able to decide for

myself. . . . The freedom of choice is

in many ways the definition of being

human in my opinion. So because

,¶YH DOZD\V EHHQ SUHVHQWHG ZLWK WKH

freedom of choice rather than

anything about trying to follow a

societal norm ± and this was open to

me becaXVHRI>P\SDUHQWV¶@KRQHVW\

± I feel that I have had the freedom

and as such, all those choices led to a

positive life for me.

Throughout his interview, Marcus

elaborated on why he felt lucky to have grown up in

a polyamorous family, listing a relaxed atmosphere

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%

Haritaworn, et. al,

Poly/logue: A Critica l Introduction to

Polya

m

ory

, 9 SEXUALITIES 515 (2006).

149

Elisabeth Sheff,

S

trategies in Polya

m

orous Pa renting

in

UNDERSTANDING NON-MONOGAMIES, 169-181 (Meg Barker and

Darren Langdridge, eds., 2010).

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without the tension of trying to hide anything, the

freedom to think anything without any topics being

RIIOLPLWVDQGKLVDELOLW\WR³PDNH VRPHYHU\JRRG

friends, and very true friends who do not abandon

me just because I'm different or anything lLNHWKDW´

Most importantly, he expressed a deep conviction

that freedom, honesty, and choice pervade the true

human condition, and he felt that being in a

polyamorous family allowed him unique access to

this compelling humanity:

In my opinion, this is what sets

humans apart from many other

species on the planet. Not our

advanced technology, not our

"superiority" over them. Frankly, it's

our freedom. Unfortunately, I feel

that it's also a major lack of that.

Not so much in appearance as it is in

mentality. That is causing a lot of

our problems. The people who have

done the most for the world, have

been very free thinkers. So, I believe

that the freedom of choice, the

freedom of thought are the best

things about being human.

Unfortunately, I feel that that's

absent in a lot of people who simply

try to conform to society. So I feel

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like that's the advantage. That's what

I enjoy about my family.

Similarly, Kethry Wyss, a fifteen-year-old

Japanese American female high school student,

thought that she was closer to her parents because

of their acceptance of and engagement with her²

VRPHWKLQJVKHVDZLQVKDUSFRQWUDVWZLWKKHUSHHUV¶

parents:

My parents are aware of my life. We

have a good dialogue, there is

nothing I would keep from them. We

are just very open people there is no

need to hide anything. There is

nothing I could do that would cause

my parents to freak out and ground

me. They might be worried about

me, but they would not freak and

send me to a mental institution like

RQHRIP\IULHQGV¶SDUHQWV did. They

did not understand what she was

doing so they sent her to an

institution in Nevada and did not tell

her. Some of my friends, things are

EDGIRUWKHPDWKRPHWKH\FDQ¶WDQG

GRQ¶WZDQWWRWDONWRWKHLUSDUHQWV,W

LV NLQGD VDG WKH\ GRQ¶W WKLQN Whey

can trust their parents. In a lot of

cases they are right to not trust their

SDUHQWV WKDW WKH\ FDQ¶W WHOO WKHLU

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parents things is legitimate, they

should not tell their parents stuff. I

can tell my parents things, there is

really nothing I should hide from my

parents.

Kethry thought that her poly-family was far

more advantageous to teenagers than a conventional

monogamous family because it encouraged parents

and children to be honest with each other. In that

same interview, Kethry elaborated on her paUHQWV¶

involvement and investment in her life:

My friends all want my parents to be

their parents because my parents are

cool, they go to concerts and stuff,

they take me cool places and do cool

things with me. I am always taken

aback when my friends say they have

never even been to a concert, and I

have been going since I was a wee

one. Lots of steam punk, goth,

industrial. My mom (Loretta) took

me to

The Rocky Horror Picture

S

how

, for goodness sake. I have the

rockstar parents! My friends are

Facebook friends with my parents.

0\ SDUHQWV GRQ¶W FRQWURO ZKDW , VD\

on Facebook, and my mom posted a

picture of us going to

Rocky Horror

-

- it was fun. . . . [Good parenting] is

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being willing to listen to your

children, to really listen, and to not

shun them for being interested in

something. I got into anime, and my

mama (Kiyowara) has helped me

sew costumes and takes me thrift

shipping for costume pieces. My

RWKHU IULHQGV¶ PRP MXVW GRHV QRW

understand it and it keeps my friend

from being as involved. My mama

also helps me dye my hair ± pink,

red, blue, black, maybe purple next.

She also helped my friend dye his

KDLU JUHHQ FDXVH KLV PRP ZRXOGQ¶W

She was ok with him dying his hair

but had never dyed hair before so

mom helped him dye his hair green.

Kethry and Marcus both saw their family

lives and relationships with their parents as

fostering positive, authentic connections.

Polyamory, with its emphasis on communication

and honesty, helped them to feel connected to their

parents in a way they did not witness among their

peers. Therefore, poly-families seem especially

advantageous for children who value emotional

intimacy with their parents.

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C. More Resources, Attention, and Presents

Adults and children alike identified the

increase in resources that resulted from multiple

adults pooling their time, money, and energy as

advantageous to the entire family.

150

Zane Lobo, a

fifteen-year-old white male high-school student, and

youngest of three children raised in a triad,

reminisced about the glee of having a large

extended family when receiving gifts as a child:

When I was young I guess more

presents at Christmas. More people.

Just more people in general, I liked

as a little kid, µcause I liked having

people around. And great loot for

birthdays and Christmas, with three

parents and so many grandparents.

D. Greater Diversity

Some of the interviewed children explained

how more numerous authority figures provided

them with a greater diversity of parental options,

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150

Elisabeth Sheff,

S

trategies in Polya

m

orous Parenting

in

UNDERSTANDING NON-MONOGAMIES, 169-181 (Meg Barker and

Darren Langdridge, eds., 2010).

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avenues for support, and a profusion of role models.

Cole Berg, a fifteen-year-old Jewish and white male

KLJK VFKRRO VWXGHQW UHSRUWHG WKDW KH ZDV D ³ZLOG

WKLQJ´ZKHQKHZDVLQVL[WKDQGVHYHQWKJUDGHDQG

ZKLOH KLV SDUHQWV ZRXOG ³VFUHDP EORRG\ PXUGHU DW

PH´ KH DSSUHFLDWHG KRZ KLV SDUHQW¶V JLUOIULHQG,

Bettina,

had a different way of going about

her business with me. She would

react very calmly and know exactly

what to do and the exact right

punishment. And it would still be

really hard for me, but it helped me

learn my lesson better. And it felt

more fair.

Cole elaborated on an incident in which he got in

trouble at school, and Bettina created a creative

punishment for him:

There was one incident where I took,

well, part of it was an accident and

SDUW RI LW NLQG RI ZDVQ¶W ,

accidentally forgot two pocket-