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Australian Journal of Emerging Technologies and Society
Vol. 5, No. 2, 2007, pp: 84-102
Love Actually! Older Adults and their Romantic Internet
Relationships
Sue Malta is a PhD student in Sociology at Swinburne University, Melbourne, Australia.
Abstract
This research was inspired by two stereotypes: first, that older adults don’t do computers –
and certainly not the Internet and, secondly, that older adults don’t do sex – they are asexual.
The results clearly show these stereotypes to be flawed. Semi-structured qualitative
interviews were conducted via synchronous computer-mediated-communication (private
chat). The sample consisted of older adults (61 – 85 years) who had all used the Internet to
meet potential romantic partners, either through their involvement in online discussion groups
or via online dating sites. For the most part, the relationships described were meaningful,
intimate and long-lasting. The majority were involved in ongoing sexual activity with their
partners, and for some, cyber-sex was or had been an integral part of their relationships.
Additionally, a proportion enjoyed flirting online with others and some were also involved in
extra-dyadic relationships; indicating that sex and intimacy outside of primary, committed
relationships was just as compelling an activity for these older adults as for younger Internet
users.
Keywords: Older adults; online relationships; romance; cyber-sex; cyber-cheating
©Australian Journal of Emerging Technologies and Society 2007
ISSN 1449 - 0706
http://www.swin.edu.au/ajets
Malta: Older Adults & their Romantic Internet Relationships
Introduction and Purpose of Research
By 2050, in developed regions of the world, adults over the age of 60 will outnumber children
by two to one1 (United Nations Population Division 2002: 15). In Western cultures, old age is
typically viewed in a negative light (Birren & Schaie 2006: 389), and ageing is seen as a
process of “inevitable decline and deterioration” (Friedan 1993: 9). There is much evidence,
however, to indicate that older age can be, and often is, a time of enrichment (Sneed &
Whitbourne 2005: 375). And, contrary to ingrained societal expectations, many older adults
live healthy, happy and fulfilled lives.
Early data suggested that older adults were being left behind in regards to information and
communications technology, specifically in the use of computers and the Internet (see, for
example, Adler 1996: [2] (Philbeck 1997: [1]). However, further research indicated that this
was not so, with the elderly population responsible for upwards of 40% of all new computer
sales in the U.S. (Conover 1997: 8) and increasing numbers of the elderly surfing the Internet
(Riddle 2001: [1]) .
Much has been written about computer-mediated communication (CMC), and the formation
and maintenance of Internet relationships has emerged as a topic of interest in recent years.
With the marked proliferation of websites that promote romantic relationships (for instance,
Match.com, RSVP and so on), online romance has been attracting much media and research
attention (see for example, Love Blooms in Cyberland (Montgomery 1999), Love Online
(Stone, Rogers & Platt 2001), Parks & Floyd 1996; Parks & Roberts 1998; Hardie & Buzwell
2006). There is, however, a marked paucity of studies investigating older adults and their
online relationships. Given the predominance of the older adult population both now and in
the future, this is surprising.
Whilst it is clear that older adults are developing online romantic relationships, the nature and
meaning of these relationships has not been elucidated. The current research was motivated
by, firstly, a desire to address this knowledge gap; and secondly, by the existence of two
prevailing stereotypes: (1) that older adults don’t do computers, and certainly not the Internet,
and (2) that older adults don’t do sex: they are asexual.
Background
A “Greying” Population
Increases in life expectancies and a sustained decline in fertility have led to a “structural
ageing” of Australia’s population (Australian Bureau of Statistics (ABS), 2003). In 2001, 12%
of the population of Australia was aged 65 years and over; by 2051 this figure is estimated to
be 25% (ABS, 2003). In the USA in 2003 there were approximately 36 million people aged
65 and over, with the number expected to double (to approximately 71 million) by 2030
(Federal Interagency Forum on Aging Related Statistics (FIFARG), 2004: [2]). In the UK the
projections are very similar: those aged over 65 years are expected to equal 23% of the
population by 2031 (National Statistics Online, 2006: [1]). According to the World Health
Organization (WHO), this purported “greying” of the population is a global phenomenon, with
the proportion of older adults to all other age groups, worldwide, expected to rise by 223%
between the years 1970 and 2025 (WHO 2002: 6-7 h).
1 Children aged 0 – 14 years of age
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AJETS Vol. 5, No. 2, 2007, pp: 84-102
Increased Life Expectancy
The expected increase in the size of the elderly population is coupled with a corresponding
increase in life expectancy. Not only will there be many more older adults in the population,
they will survive longer than ever before. In Australia, life expectancy at birth increased by
23.3 years for females and 21.4 years for males over the last century (1901-2000): indeed
women are now expected to live approximately 83 years, and men 78 years (Australian
Institute of Health and Welfare (AIHW) Website, 2006).
Whilst life expectancy has shifted, retirement ages for many in the Western world have, until
recently, remained fairly stable. In Australia the mandated retirement age remained at 65
years for much of the 20th century (Foskey 2001: 4). However, between 1983 and 2002, the
average age of retirement stayed reasonably constant at approximately 60 years for men
and 58 years for women (ABS 2005a: 4). Given the increase in longevity, this means,
effectively, that older adults today can expect to live a minimum of 15 – 23 years post-
retirement:
……..a twenty-year-old man in 1900 could scarcely have looked ahead to
retirement at all; today such a man can expect to spend nearly one quarter
of his adult lifetime in retirement. These added retirement years have
important consequences for income, social involvement, leisure, health,
and indeed nearly all aspects of the process of ageing (Riley, 1987: 4).
Ageism and Stereotyping
Ageism is usually regarded as negative generalizations and perceptions about particular age
groups and is a fact of life for many older Australians (Gething et al. 2003: 2). As a group,
they have become used to being typecast as frail, confused and a “burden” on society (de
Vaus, Gray & Stanton 2003: 19; Hoyer 1997: 39). This stereotyping persists despite much
evidence showing that many older adults lead happy, productive and valuable post-
retirement lives (de Vaus et al. 2003: 19-20; Sneed & Whitbourne 2005: 375). Furthermore,
it extends to all aspects of older adult lives, including their sexuality. According to Denmark,
“one of the most pervasive myths in our society is the belief that a decrease in sexual interest
and a diminished capacity for sexual behavior are an intrinsic part of the aging process”
(2002: 17). Moreover, Rubin suggests that society regards old age as the “sexless older
years” and that this “socially harmful stereotype” is perpetuated by the:
general tradition of equating sex, love, and romance solely with youth; the
psychological difficulty that children have of accepting the fact of parental
intercourse; the tendency to think of aging as a disease rather than a
normal process; [and] the focusing of studies upon hospitalized or
institutionalized older people (Rubin 1968: 86-88)
Another area where this stereotyping has been quite marked is in relation to technological
advancements, as older adults are perceived, at the very least, to be “resistant to adopting
new technologies” (Adler 1996: [2]) or, worse, to be technophobic (Philbeck 1997: [1]).
Furthermore, computers have long been regarded as the exclusive bastion of the young
(Imel 1998: [1]; White et al. 1999: 359) and older adults are seen as having been “left out of
the computer revolution” (Furlong 1989: 145). Many initial studies in this area supported this
view, highlighting the low levels of computer use amongst older adults and their apparent
lack of Internet experience (Cooper 2000: I; Fong, Wellman, Kew & Wilkes 2001: 3).
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Older Adults, Computers & Internet Use
Current evidence indicates, however, that older adults are making the digital conversion in
increasing numbers. For instance, the Australian Bureau of Statistics reported recently that,
whilst most age groups were experiencing small declines or a plateau in computer usage, the
proportion of adults aged 65 years and over using computers was continuing to grow; rising
to 21% in 2002 (ABS 2005b: 2). Comparable results are found in America where, between
2000 and 2004, the percentage of seniors who accessed the Internet jumped by 47% to a
total of 22% (Fox 2004: 1). This rate of increase is phenomenal when one considers that
only 2% of the elderly were online in 19962.
But how do older adults use the Internet? Studies have shown that, of the 22% of American
seniors who are online, as many as 94% use the Internet to send or read email, with many
accessing health-care or medical information (Fox 2004: 10), shopping, banking, paying bills
and engaging in chat groups (Kiel 2005: 21), checking their genealogy, keeping up with the
stock market and expanding their social networks (Adams, Oye & Parker 2003: 407). Ninety-
one percent of older Australian adults (65 years plus) say they use the Internet for personal
or private use (ABS 2005b: 3); and older adults in the United Kingdom (those over 50 years)
use computers and the Internet to play games, organize and store photos and to download
music (Goodman, Syme & Eisma 2003: [2]). According to a report by Fox, once they make
the transition to online technology, “…seniors are just as enthusiastic as younger users” (Fox
2004: 3).
Computer-Mediated Communication
From the mid-1980s when it first became established, through to the first decade of the 21st
century, the Internet has become ingrained in the lives of many (Wellman & Hogan 2004:
389). Indeed, an early poll indicated that using the Internet had become “a necessity” for
countless people (D’Amico 1998: [1]). In 2000 the Angus Reid Group,3 a leading provider of
market and social research in Canada, estimated that there would be one billion Internet
users by 2005 (Pastore 2000: [1]). According to a more recent Nielsen//NetRatings survey
(January 2006), as many as 68.6% of the U.S. population use the Internet (Internet World
Stats 2006). The same survey found an almost identical penetration for Australian users
(68.4%; Internet World Stats 2006).
Research has shown that the main use of the Internet is primarily for “interpersonal
communication” (Kraut et al. 1998: 1019). This “computer-mediated communication” (CMC)
breaks down barriers created by time, distance, shyness or disability, and allows users to
interact with others they might never normally encounter offline (McKenna, Green & Gleason
2002: 11; Parks & Floyd 1996: 93). In this manner, CMC is seen to promote and facilitate
social contact between individuals and groups, helping to create new forms of relationships
and social networks. This is especially true today given the unprecedented rise of alternative
forms of interaction on the Internet, such as blogging, Youtube, Facebook and so on.
Online Relationships
Whilst many use the Internet to maintain their existing social ties (Donn & Sherman 2002:
107), it has become increasingly apparent that the Internet has developed into a medium for
facilitating new relationship formation (Hardey 2004: 207). One of the earliest studies in this
2 Pew Research Center for the People and the Press: April 1996 Biennial Media Consumption Survey. Available at:
http://people-press.org/reports/display.php3?ReportID=127
3 Now the Ipsos-Reid Group
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area found that nearly 61% of a sample of 176 participants had “formed a personal
relationship” with someone they “met” through online newsgroups (Parks & Floyd 1996: 86).
In a study published just two years later, Parks and Roberts found that 93.6% of 235
participants in a “real-time text-based virtual environment” (that is, a game environment) had
formed ongoing personal relationships (1998: 517). In a later study, 80% of a sample of 30
undergraduates who were regular Internet users were also found to have formed “casual or
friendly” relationships online (McCown et al. 2001: 595): indicating that for a majority of users
the Internet provides the means to originate new relationships.
The nature of these online relationships was initially questioned, with early research
dichotomizing them into “shallow (and) impersonal” versus “genuine (and) personal”
associations (see Parks & Floyd 1996 for discussion). However, it soon became clear that
Internet-based relationships could be both meaningful and long-lasting (McKenna et al.
2002: 20-21; 24). Some reports even suggested that once trust and rapport were built,
online relationships could often be closer than offline ones (Walther 1996: 5).
Online Romantic Relationships
Initial studies into online romantic relationships found that these relationships occurred
consequentially (almost “incidentally”) as a result of involvement in chat rooms, discussion
groups and so on (see for example McCown et al. 2001). Returning to the early study
conducted by Parks and Floyd (1996), for instance, it was found that a small percentage of
the online relationships that were formed via involvement in newsgroups (~8%) were
considered to be romantic. Furthermore, of the almost 94% who reported the development
of online relationships in the Parks and Roberts (1998) account of games participants, 26.3%
were classified as romantic.
With the relatively recent (1995) advent of Internet sites related solely to online dating,
deliberately seeking a partner online has rapidly become the norm. By the year 2000 as
many as 12 million people were registered on the seven largest online dating sites (Brym &
Lenton 2001: 9). A 2006 report highlighted the extent of this phenomenon, with over 63
million Americans knowing someone who had used an online dating website (Madden &
Lenhard 2006: 2), and almost 30 million people – one in six American adults - knowing
someone who had been in a long-term relationship or had married someone they had met
online (Madden & Lenhart 2006: 13). A plethora of popular news reports have also appeared
accentuating this trend. For example: Love Blooms in Cyberland (Montgomery 1999), Love
Online (Stone, Rogers & Platt 2001), Modern Romance (Biever 2006), Online Dating (Choice
2005), Online Dating Reaches a Critical Mass (The Age.Com.Au 2006).
Why is online romance so prevalent? One possible explanation is found in the work of
Walther (1996) who classified CMC as “hypersonal”, describing it as “more…. socially
desirable or intimate than normal” communication (p. 34) and claiming that it “surpassed the
level of affection and emotion of parallel f2f [face-to-face] interaction” (p.17). Wysocki (1998)
supports this viewpoint, suggesting that relationships formed on the Internet progress far
more quickly and intimately than face-to-face relationships, partly because of the degree of
anonymity but also because of the heightened level of self-disclosure it provides. Cooper
highlighted three key factors that “turbocharge” online sexual activity viz accessibility,
affordability and anonymity, which he termed the “Triple-A Engine” (Cooper 1999 cited in
Cooper, McLoughlin & Campbell 2000: 522). However, whilst these factors may facilitate
contact with like-minded others, they do not explain how romance develops online. Cooper
and his colleagues suggest that the very nature of computer mediated relating (CMR):
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reduces the role that physical attributes play in the development of
attraction, and enhances other factors such as propinquity, rapport,
similarity and mutual self-disclosure, thus promoting erotic connections that
stem from emotional intimacy rather than lustful attraction (Cooper et al.
2000: 522).
However, how quickly online relationships develop into romance and how long these
relationships last, is still open to conjecture. One of the few studies in this area conducted an
analysis of narrative transcripts collected from list-serves and websites concerned with
personal stories of online “close” relationships (Wildermuth 2001: 90). Relationships ranged
in duration from 4.5 weeks to 13 years (n = 83). The mean length of successful (ongoing)
relationships was 5 months (n = 42), and the mean length of unsuccessful (terminated)
relationships was 7 months (n = 41). The results of a more recent Australian study found
that online romantic relationships were “reasonably long lasting”, ranging from weeks (4.5%)
and months (27%) to years (18.2%) (total n = 22) (Hardie & Buzwell 2006: 10).
Some studies have looked at different aspects of online romantic relationships, including
cyber-flirting, cyber-sex and cyber-cheating (see for example Whitty 2003a; 2003b; Wysocki
1998).
Whatever the initial reason for accessing online communications, whether
on a local bbs [Bulletin Board], a commercial server like Compuserve or
Genie, or the Internet itself, most people… used the medium as a way to
expand their potential for meeting suitable partners, whether the desired
outcome of that meeting was focused on sexual activity or a search for
enduring love (Albright & Conran 1998: [8])
The dictionary defines flirtation as “behaviour intended to arouse sexual feelings or advances
without emotional commitment” (Collins English Dictionary 1999: 434). Whilst Ben Ze’ev
maintains that “typical flirting is usually harmless” (2004: 150) Feinberg argues that flirting is,
essentially, a short-cut to intimacy (Feinberg 1996). Flirting behaviour is facilitated by the
Internet, not only because it provides a medium that is, arguably, friendly and safe (Whitty &
Carr 2003: 879) but also because it allows for “the profound sharing of intimate information”
(Ben Ze’ev 2004: 146) and because it promotes “powerful emotional bonds” (Merkle &
Richardson 2000: 190). However, the distinction between cyber-flirting and cyber-sex is not
always apparent. This lack of a boundary between the two behaviours, prompted Whitty and
Carr to ask whether cyber-flirting itself could be regarded “as an act of betrayal” (2003: 882).
Cyber-sex is an interesting phenomenon. It is described in Wikipedia as:
“a virtual sex encounter in which two or more persons connected remotely
via a computer network send one another sexually explicit messages
describing a sexual experience [which] ….sometimes includes real life
masturbation” (Wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org /wiki/Cybersex)
Just who engages in cyber-sex and how many are actually “doing it” is also up for debate.
Currently there is a shortage of reliable Internet statistics. One study reported “more than 50
percent of all on-line communication is related to sex” (Childs 1994; cited in Wysocki 1998:
428). However, the source is hard to verify (it appeared in Playboy magazine). Cooper and
his colleagues’ research into the area of online sexual activity (OSA) have produced varying
results. For example, one study had a response rate of 85% men and 15% women (Cooper,
Morahan-Martin, Mathy & Maheu 2002), but a more recent study of 1835 survey respondents
found a gender breakdown of 55% men versus 45% women, with 79% involved in OSA
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(Daneback, Cooper & Mansson 2005: 322-323). The mean age of those involved was 29.7
years for women and 31.5 years for men. Unfortunately, respondents over the age of 65
were eliminated from the dataset. The earlier research by Wysocki found that, in the
majority, those involved were: young (mean age = 35.2 years), male, well-educated, married,
and with as many as three children (1998: 434-435). What makes online sex so compelling?
Perhaps this excerpt from an ethnographic study of Internet Relay Chat (IRC) provides a
clue:
“…..typed text… itself become[s] eroticised as representations, flirting,
heated and pleasurable sex talk, cybersex, in which the actual encounter
between participants becomes… ‘like being inside a piece of interactive
pornography’” (Rival, Slater & Miller 1998: [9] my bolding).
Wysocki’s finding that nearly fifty percent of her sample engaged in online sex outside of
marriage, is interesting (1998: 435). This figure suggests a much higher proportion than that
detailed in the American Sexual Behaviour report, which found that 16% of the population
had ever cheated on their spouses (Smith 2006: 54). These differing results may simply be a
reflection of different research environments (online versus offline) and populations sampled
(sexually-explicit bbs users versus the general population).
Older Adults and Online Romantic Relationships
Whilst it is clear that online romantic relationships are rapidly becoming the “norm” for most
segments of the population, the extent of older adults’ involvement has still to be established.
A Canadian study found 1.6% of online daters were aged 60 plus (Brym & Lenton 2001:14).
However, most studies have used younger sample populations, making it difficult to
generalize to adults 60 years and over. For instance, the Parks and Floyd (1996)
investigation only included adults up to the age of 57 years, and the oldest participant in
research conducted by Whitty and Gavin (2001) was 51 years old. The age range of the 75
respondents in a study undertaken by Underwood and Findlay (2004) was not specified; but
the mean age for males was 43 years and 41 for females. In yet another study, Donn and
Sherman (2002) surveyed University students who were aged from 22 to 50 years of age. In
one of the few “sociological” reports that was found, qualitative interviews were conducted
online with 33 participants, in an attempt to elucidate “online love” (Albright & Conran 1998).
The oldest respondent was just 46 years old.
The Australian study by Hardie and Buzwell found that, of 22 adults who participated in a
telephone survey and who identified themselves as being involved in online romance, 9%
were aged 56 to 65 and 4.5% were 76 years or older (2006: 10). Interestingly, most of the
22 online romantics (86.7%) had met their partners’ face-to-face, even though a significant
proportion (~41%) were either in a married or de facto relationship at the time, leading Hardie
and Buzwell to label these cyber-daters as “cybercheaters” (Hardie & Buzwell 2006: 10).
The proportion of older adult respondents who could also be labeled in this manner was not
altogether clear, however.
In contrast to the lack of academic evidence, many popular press articles indicate that older
adults are looking for romantic relationships – both online and offline. A U.S. News & World
Report article in 2001 stated that:
The Web is…serving millions as an electronic matchmaker. A recent AOL
study found that nearly 40% of wired seniors had used the Web to find a
friend or lover (Kelly 2001)
and a New York Times article described senior romance as such:
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In proliferating Internet chat rooms and forums, in medicine cabinets of sex-
enhancing drugs and wrinkle creams, in cruises just for them, in dating
services and newspaper personal advertisements under “Seniors Seeking
Seniors”, in shacking up instead of remarrying, romance in old age has
come in from the cold (Kilborn 2004:1.19).
From the preceding anecdotes it seems clear that older adults are looking for romantic
relationships, both on- and offline. As stated earlier, however, the empirical evidence to
support this contention is somewhat harder to find.
Given the size of the Baby Boomer generation reportedly ‘coming-of-age’ in 2006, and their
propensity for pushing the boundaries of whatever decade they are situated in, it is
interesting to speculate that there will be a superfluity of older adults wired up and looking for
romance online. As Adams et al. commented in 2003:
For decades, as a group, [the Baby Boomers] have challenged and pushed
the limits of …norms; redefining the concepts of family and sexual
expression (among many others)… we should anticipate increased
changes and challenges in other social norms as this huge cohort moves
into later life… Their technological competence and relative affluence will
increase the potential of the Internet as a source of personal and social
expression of sexuality in later life. (Adams et al. 2003: 413).
Finding out what is going on in terms of older adult’s intimate/romantic Internet relationships
has, therefore, become almost a necessity. The aforementioned discussion is what drives
the current research project.
Research Questions
As stated earlier, this research is first and foremost inspired by two stereotypes. These are:
• Older adults don’t do computers – and certainly not the Internet
• Older adults don’t do sex – they are asexual
The aim of the current study is to investigate older adults’ romantic Internet relationships.
Due to the dearth of either quantitative or qualitative research in this area both in Australia
and overseas, the project is of an exploratory nature; therefore, no specific hypotheses have
been generated. Certain questions have been formulated, however. Firstly, if we make the
assumption that older adults are finding love online, the starting point must then be, how are
they doing it? Are they engaging in deliberative behaviour – going online with the intention of
finding romantic partners – or are online romances developing as a consequence as some
other, unrelated, behaviour? What are these romantic relationships like? Are they similar to,
or different from, offline relationships? Do these online relationships linger in cyberspace –
or do they graduate to offline, face-to-face relationships? Are these relationships sexual –
both online and offline? Do the relationships last? That is, are they long-term relationships,
leading to commitment and possibly marriage, or are they short-term, transitory affairs?
Further, what meaning do those involved attach to their online experiences and the
relationships that develop? Additionally, given that Wysocki (1998) and Hardie and Buzwell
(2006) found relatively high percentages of cyber-cheaters in their studies, are any of these
older adult online relationships adulterous?
©Australian Journal of Emerging Technologies and Society 2007 91
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Method
The current project is part of a much larger research undertaking consisting of three phases:
• Phase 1 : 30 semi-structured online interviews via private chat
• Phase 2 : 30 semi-structured offline (face-to-face) interviews
• Phase 3 : online survey
The results presented in this paper are of a preliminary nature and are pertinent only to
Phase 1 of the study. Reporting of the results will be largely confined to the range and
nature of themes found, owing to the relatively small size of the data set to date.
Participants
The sample for Phase 1 consists of older adults (aged 60 years plus) who are engaged in or
who have recently been engaged in a romantic relationship that began online. Participants
were sourced through various means: firstly, by study notices placed in online forums, such
as SeniorNet.com and RSVP.com; and secondly, by word-of-mouth referrals (in effect,
creating a snowball sample).
The original study notice asked for participants who were engaged in or had recently been
engaged in an “intimate” relationship that began online. I did not receive one response.
When I changed the wording to “romantic” relationship, I began to receive contacts from
older adults. This minor semantic difference suggested that the use of the word “intimate”
was, for older adults, synonymous with “sex”. I was then faced with a dilemma. Would this
so-called word “sensitivity” in respondents (“intimate” versus “romantic”), be reflected in the
details they were willing to disclose about their relationships? This fear was unfounded.
Once people agreed to participate they were more than happy to talk about every aspect of
their romantic relationships, intimate or otherwise. The self-selected sample also meant that
I never once received contact from anyone who was purely and simply interested in online
sex.
Procedures
Semi-structured qualitative interviews were conducted via synchronous computer-mediated-
communication (private chat). Information and disclosure statements were sent to all
prospective participants. Responses were copied and pasted into Word documents for later
thematic analysis. A semi-structured interview schedule was implemented, beginning with
questions designed to provide an overview of older adults’ Internet involvement: how many
years, how many hours per day, what it was used for and so on. Questions were then asked
regarding online romantic relationships: their instigation, their development, their longevity
and whether they were sexual or not. Other questions were asked on various aspects of
these relationships: ranging from cyber-flirting and cyber-sex to cyber-cheating; followed by a
few further general questions including self-rating and demographic questions. Interviews
lasted between 60 and 90 minutes.
This research project was initiated, first and foremost, as an exploration of older adults’
online romantic relationships. Therefore, it seemed more than appropriate to choose a
qualitative interviewing method to conduct this exploration and even more appropriate to
conduct those interviews in the same environment the relationships were established -
online. Online interviews have distinct advantages: firstly, interviews can be conducted with
anyone, anywhere and at anytime (within reason of course!) – bypassing many time/space
constraints. Secondly, online interviews generate their own automatic transcripts, not only
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saving time and energy but allowing researchers to engage with the material in a more timely
manner than traditional transcribing methods. Thirdly, participants’ responses are often
clear, concise and well thought out, compared to many instantaneous verbal responses.
This very conciseness can be a drawback, however, with some richness of detail being lost.
Furthermore, the absence of face-to-face cues can also mean there is some scope for
misinterpretation of the questions being asked.
Ethical Issues
In any study of this kind, confidentiality and informed consent are paramount. All participants
were informed that they would not be able to be personally identified in any report of this
work. To ensure confidentiality, pseudonyms were used in place of names and all identifying
information was changed or omitted. For the purposes of this paper, the designation “male”
or “female” followed by “age” will be used when reporting specific data. As there were two
females aged 66 years, their responses will be distinguished from each other by the
designation “A” and “B”.
Results to Date
The Sample
Seven (7) online interviews have been conducted to date. The sample consisted of six
females and one male, ranging in age from 61 – 86 years (mean age = 71 years), six of
whom were previously divorced and one who was widowed. Four participants were currently
married or in de facto relationships, although two of these relationships did not involve
cohabitation: one because they were still married and the other out of choice – indeed, her
partner lived in a different state.
The older adults in this study were highly educated (range: associate (2 year) degree –
postgraduate qualifications); were employed or had previously been employed in what could
be described as typically middle-class occupations (academic, social worker, nurse,
teachers, writer); were relatively early adopters of the Internet (evidenced by the number of
years already online: 7 – 20+ years, mean years online = 11.8 years) and had a high degree
of familiarity with the Internet (not just information gathering or socializing but banking /
paying bills and online trading, implying a high level of trust in technology). These findings fit
with previous research which suggests that early adopters of technology are more likely to be
in higher status occupations (Dickerson & Gentry 1983: 226); and that those engaging in
online romantic relationships are generally well educated (Wysocki 1998: 435; 82% of her
respondents had a college education).
Internet Activity
The older adults in the current study spent a large amount of their daily lives engaged in
online activities (mean daily use = 5.4 hours/day). Furthermore, all were actively engaged in
online social and/or discussion groups (100%), but only four of them (57%) were involved in
social or activity groups in their offline lives. I was surprised by this result and wondered if it
was because the older adults were perhaps incapacitated and possibly housebound as a
consequence; but answers to the question about health revealed this was not the case. One
explanation could be related to the amount of time these older adults spent engaging in
online activities. As this was quite extensive, conceivably there would not be a lot of time left
for face-to-face socializing/interacting. This view was reinforced by one older adult, who said
that for her the Internet “is a great part of… [my] social world” [Female: 72 years]. Certainly
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the older adults who were not involved in offline groups were amongst the highest Internet
users (10, 5 and 4 hours/day): one of them had never been involved in offline social and
activity groups, whilst the others had been involved at some stage but had stopped because
of reasons to do with moving interstate and being consumed with their new relationships.
However, given that another older adult was quite actively involved in three offline social or
activity groups and was also the second highest Internet user (8+ hours/day), no direct link
between the two variables could be made.
Online Romantic Relationships
(a) Onset and Duration
Three older adult participants were currently involved in a romantic relationship that began
on the Internet, and four had recently been involved in relationships that started online. Most
of the relationships had developed rapidly, taking between one to six months to develop
(mean onset = 3.2 months), with the remaining two relationships developing relatively more
slowly over the course of one year. The only male in the study explained his experience like
this: I would say [the relationship happened] rather quickly…. Like the 4th of
July… It was… intense [Male: 85 years]
Whilst another participant had this to say about her relationship:
My partner knew immediately this is who he was looking for. He was ready to
meet me right away. I’d say we corresponded about a month before meeting,
and I was the hesitant one! We dated about three months before he moved in,
and he’s been here a little over three years. [Female: 61 years]
Based on this it appears that older adults not only fall in love online, they often fall in love
relatively quickly, going against the stereotype that older people are not interested in
romance/sex.
Most of my participants’ relationships could be termed “successful” or “long-lasting”, that is,
they ranged in duration from three to 10 years (mean duration = 6.5 years), whilst some
relationships were considerably shorter, with a mean duration of 4 months. A similar
proportion of ongoing/terminated relationships, was found in the study by Wildermuth
(reported earlier), however, the mean duration of terminated relationships was 7 months
compared to 4 months for the current study. These results indicate that online romances
amongst older adults can and often do develop into long-lasting and deeply meaningful
relationships. Most of my participants fell in love quickly, and most had lasting relationships
with the partner they met online.
(b) Instigation and Development of Relationship
Surprisingly, given the overall prevalence of online dating sites, deliberative behaviour
(joining dating sites such as RSVP.com and actively seeking a romantic partner online) only
accounted for the development of two of the relationships in the current study. These older
adults were very pleased with the opportunities that online dating sites gave them and both
said they would recommend their use to others. One participant described the ease with
which she could meet potential partners:
I had virtually no luck offline. First, I have no idea how to meet single men
[because] I'd been married for a long time. Second, I'm not gorgeous, and
hate being rejected out of hand. Using Match.com was amazingly easy,
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which was so good for my ego. I had a man fly in from the other end of _,
and another from _. When I was in _ for six weeks, I had about 5 dates!”
[Female: 61 years].
The other participant said that she did not like the “pub and club scene” and that she liked
the “confidentiality, security and privacy” of using dating sites [Female A: 66 years].
The rest of my participants found romance consequentially – as a result of participation in
online discussion or friendship groups. When asked whether they would use any of the
Internet dating sites if they became single again, most replied emphatically “never”! The
same respondents also said they would recommend the Internet to others as a means to
meeting new partners, but clarified this apparent anomaly by saying that this could be
achieved by joining various discussion groups. Whilst not explicitly stated, the implication
here was that the Internet could be used as a tool for meeting a variety of people, and the
more people you met the more likely you would be to find romance.
All except one of my participants met their online partners face-to-face, and all engaged in
sexual activity the first time they met. For four older adults, the mean time between meeting
online and meeting face-to-face/commencement of sexual activity was 3.75 months; for the
other two, first meeting and sexual activity began at twelve months. The following quotes
illustrate their experiences:
We couldn’t keep our hands off each other when we were first together
[Female: 82 years]
We knew on first sight that we would end up in bed… Once we had slept
together… we both felt it was the most wonderful sex we’d ever
experienced – and it still is! Amazing… [Female: 72 years]
The one older adult who had not yet met her online lover face-to-face, said she “might
well...this summer” although she also said she was avoiding the issue as she did not want to
hurt her husband [Female B: 66 years]. These results illustrate unequivocally that older
adults are not sexless: sex is clearly a very important part of their romantic relationships. It
also indicates that myths about older adult relationships developing slowly over time are both
out-dated and incorrect.
(c) Cyber-flirting, Cyber-sex and Cyber-cheating
I asked my participants what they thought of flirting online. More than half of them thought
that flirting online was not acceptable behaviour, saying that it could easily be misconstrued
and might lead to infidelity. One older adult qualified this by saying that she “sure wouldn’t
do it unless I meant it” and that “you would only flirt with someone [that] you were interested
in taking the relationship further” [Female: 82 years]. Another said: “I would not get intimate
(talk about sexual matters) or even flirt on line” [Female A: 66 years]. The remaining three
participants thought that cyber-flirting was not only acceptable, but was also a harmless and
enjoyable pastime: “cyber-flirting is less a threat to a marriage than [flirting] in person”
[Female B, 66 years]. This same dichotomy of opinion occurs in the literature (cf Ben Ze’ev
2004; Feinberg 1996; reported earlier herein) and may be a reflection of views in society in
general. However, I have no evidence to support such an assertion at the current time.
Given the response to the questions on cyber-flirting, I fully expected to find that many of my
participants would not have engaged in cyber-sex and would find the question
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uncomfortable. I was wrong on both counts. Over half of them (57%) reported that they had
engaged in cyber-sex activities either before or after they met their partners face-to-face:
“It was fun!” [Female, 82 years]
“I am open about being a woman, a sexual woman… I have no qualms
about that aspect of life… In person, things can and often do become
sexual… online it is more like foreplay… or when one’s lover is gone [away]
and [it becomes] correspondence of what WILL occur when they do see
you” [Female B, 66 years]
Although there has been little research in this area, it appears that older adults are pursuing
cyber-sex and enjoying it as part of their sexual repertoire. How widespread this practice is
amongst older adults is hard to determine at the present time. The study by Daneback et al.
(2005) detailed earlier, found 79% of their sample had engaged in cyber-sex. Unfortunately,
as those 65 years and over were eliminated from the dataset, it is difficult make any
correlations between the two studies.
When asked about cyber-cheating, most of the older adults in the current study thought that
cyber-cheating was not acceptable under any circumstances:
“if it’s a real romance, yes, it’s “cheating”. It means you’re using emotional
energy elsewhere, instead of seeing what’s missing from the relationship…
if you define it as a romance, I think it’s…unfair to the partner.” [Female: 61
years]
Two participants however said that developing a secondary relationship online whilst still in a
primary, committed relationship was acceptable. Indeed, both these participants were
currently engaged in extra-dyadic relationships that began online, qualifying them for the
label of “cyber-cheaters” as defined earlier by Hardie and Buzwell (2006: 10). One of these
older adults described her secondary relationship thus:
“personally, I don’t feel it is cheating… now if (we) met and had sex yes…
that would be” [Female B: 66 years].
These results are also similar to those found in recent Australian research which showed that
78% of both men and women think it is “always wrong” to have a secondary relationship
outside of marriage (Richters & Rissel 2005: 65). In my study, various reasons were given
for the circumstances under which an extra-dyadic relationship was permissible: if the other
partner had dementia; if the other partner was no longer sexual; if there were long periods of
absence. How these responses fit with the literature has not been determined, but will be
followed up in the future.
Discussion
First and foremost, the older adults who participated in this study were not only long-term
Internet users, but also spent a large part of each day engaged in online activities. In
particular, they had all used the Internet to meet potential romantic partners; although for
most this occurred as a consequence of their involvement in online social and discussion
groups, and only a few deliberately accessed online dating sites to do so. Not only do these
findings illustrate the depth of older adult Internet involvement, they also have important
implications for Internet researchers who tend to disregard older adults as relevant subjects.
Secondly and perhaps more importantly, not only were the older adults in this study involved
in ongoing sexual activity with their partners, they were very happy to talk about it! The vast
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majority of relationships became sexual very quickly, in all cases at the first face-to-face
meeting, and for some of the participants, cyber-sex was or had been an integral part of their
relationship. For the most part, the relationships described were intimate, meaningful and
long-lasting. Far from being asexual, these older adults were actively engaged in loving,
romantic relationships that clearly reflect those of their younger – and more socially
acceptable – counterparts. Additionally, a proportion of participants enjoyed flirting online
and some were also cyber-cheats, indicating that sex and intimacy outside of primary,
committed relationships was just as compelling an activity for these older adults as for
younger Internet users. These results clearly demonstrate that the desire for love, romance
and intimacy is of fundamental importance, regardless of age.
Conclusion
The results presented herein provide a snapshot of older adults and their online romantic
relationships. Whilst results to date are brief, further data is currently being collected and will
allow a fuller discussion of this phenomenon in the future. The results from the second
phase of the project (face-to-face interviews) will also allow a much needed comparison
between relationships that begin online and those that begin through face to face meetings.
The third phase of the project (an online survey) will hopefully provide much-needed
quantitative data to back up the results derived from the interviews. Additionally, it may be
possible to ascertain through existing online dating sites, the numbers of older adults actively
engaged in deliberately looking for a romantic partner.
Given the anticipated future size of the older adult population and their increasing use of the
Internet, it can only be expected that finding a partner online will quickly become the “norm”
for much of this generation, as it has for countless others. The results presented in this
paper give an interesting insight into older adults and their romantic Internet relations, but
they also raise more questions than they answer. How do you explain older adult online
romantic behaviour? How does it differ from their offline behaviour? How different is it to
that of younger cohorts? Can existing sociological theories of love and intimacy explain older
adult online romantic relationships? If not, why not? Where do theories of ageing fit in?
Whilst the existing literature provides a good foundation to address these questions with,
most of the work has centred on younger samples and is possibly not pertinent. The lack of
recognition amongst researchers of older adults as sexually-active, technologically-adept
beings and, as such, candidates for online research projects, seems to be a reflection of
prevailing societal stereotypes. Hopefully the current research will provide a starting point
from which to dismantle them.
Acknowledgements
An earlier version of this paper was accepted for presentation at the Association of Internet
Researchers (AOIR) conference, Vancouver, Canada, Oct 17-20, 2007. Thanks go to the
older adults who gave up their time to answer my questions. Their honesty, candidness and
humour were greatly appreciated. Thanks also to the anonymous reviewers for their
insightful and helpful comments.
©Australian Journal of Emerging Technologies and Society 2007 97
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AJETS Vol. 5, No. 2, 2007, pp: 84-102
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