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Memorable First Time Sexual
Experiences: Gendered Patterns
and Nuances
Mark P. Orbe, Amber L. Johnson, Lydia D. Kauffman,
& Angela F. Cooke-Jackson
This exploratory qualitative research study examined college students’ memorable
narratives regarding their first sexual experience, and how those encounters inform
current sexual practices. Drawing from a large national data set, the study explores
the narratives of 100 women and men who were attending college on one of three diverse
U.S. campuses in 2012. Utilizing a qualitative content analytic methodological frame-
work, we found that women and men frame their first sexual experiences, in terms of
message valence (positive, negative, neutral), in similar ways. Yet, subsequent thematic
analysis of these messages reveals that gendered patterns and nuances exist in terms of
positively framed (great experience; thoughtful, good decision; a special experience;
and positive communicative experience) and negatively framed (undesired consequences,
rape=abuse, regrets, and unpleasurable to horrible experiences) themes. Following an
explication of how these thematic insights are more aptly understood through a gendered
lens, directions for future research and implications for research, theory, and practice are
provided.
Keywords: First Sexual Experiences; Gender; Memorable Experiences; Memorable
Messages; Narratology; Qualitative Content Analysis; Sex
Mark P. Orbe (Ph.D., Ohio University, 1993) is a Professor in the School of Communication=Center for Gender
& Women’s Studies at Western Michigan University. Amber L. Johnson (Ph.D., Pennsylvania State University,
2006) is an Assistant Professor in the Department of Language and Communication at Prairie View A&M
University. Lydia D. Kauffman (B.A., Western Michigan University, 2013) is an Undergraduate Student at
WMU School of Communication. Angela F. Cooke-Jackson (Ph.D., University of Kentucky, 2006) is an
Assistant Professor in Communication Studies at Emerson College. Correspondence: Mark P. Orbe, School of
Communication, Western Michigan University, 1903 W. Michigan Avenue, Kalamazoo, MI 49008; E-mail:
mark.orbe@wmich.edu
Communication Quarterly
Vol. 62, No. 3, July–August 2014, pp. 285–307
ISSN 0146-3373 print/1746-4102 online #2014 Eastern Communication Association
DOI: 10.1080/01463373.2014.911764
First sexual experiences represent an important point in a person’s life, an event that
has been shown to influence future sexual relations (Cate, Long, Angera, & Draper,
1993). Yet, surprisingly little is known about how individuals define, interpret, and
perceive these experiences (Carpenter, 2005). Most of the existing research focuses
specifically on the timing of first sexual experience, concluding that most young
people—on average—become sexually active around the ages of 16 or 17 (Mosher,
Chandra, & Jones, 2005; Sprecher, Barbee, & Schwartz, 1995; Upchurch, Levy-
Storms, Sucoff, & Aneshensel, 1998). Given the high prevalence of sexual activity
among this age group, there has been a major effort to encourage safer sex practices
and=or abstinence among adolescent and young adults (Center for Disease Control
and Prevention, 2011). An increasingly large body of research has been produced
around a preponderance of topics related to teen pregnancy, sexual behavior, and
sexually transmitted diseases (Kirby, 2007), abstinence education and intervention
(Beshers, 2007; Mebane, Yam, & Rimer, 2006), and relapse rates of college students
who commit to abstinence (Thomas et al., 2010). What constitutes ‘‘sex,’’ however,
remains highly contested in everyday life.
Formal definitions of sexual activity involve ‘‘any type of genital contact or sexual
stimulation between two persons including, but not limited to sexual intercourse’’
(Sawyer, Howard, Brewster-Jordan, Gavin, & Sherman, 2007, p. 47). Despite the
general acceptance of this definition and those related to what constitutes ‘‘virginity’’
and ‘‘sex’’ within the research community, young adults vary in the ways in which
they characterize their sexual behaviors in regard to these terms (Bersamin, Fisher,
Walker, Hill & Grube, 2007; Pitts & Rahman, 2001). For instance, a variety of studies
found that young adults generally agreed that penile-vaginal intercourse counted as
‘‘having sex’’ (Sanders & Reinisch, 1999; Sawyer et al., 2007). Yet, a significant num-
ber of individuals also believed that engaging in mutual masturbation, oral sex, and
anal intercourse to be characteristic of abstinence—and not officially ‘‘sex’’ (Horan,
Phillips, Hagan, 1998; Sawyer et al., 2007).
An existing theme of existing research has been a focus on exploring first sexual
experiences of women and men. Generally speaking, research has found that men,
more so than women, expect sexual intercourse earlier in the dating process and
are also more likely to expect sex in the absence of emotional closeness (e.g.,
Anderson, 2010; Cohen & Shotland, 1996; Mongeau, Serewicz, & Therrien, 2004).
While most women and men report falling in love at least once, men begin dating
at earlier ages than do young women (Regan, Durvasula, Howell, Ureno, &
Rea, 2004). In a review of early studies, DeLamater (1987) found that males have a
more positive emotional reaction to first intercourse than do females, in part because
men are 10 times more likely than women to have an orgasm during their first
experience (see also Sprecher et al., 1995). In comparison to women, men report feel-
ing more pleasure and less guilt (Darling, Davidson, & Passarello, 1992). As illu-
strated through these studies, the dominant theme of past research investigating
sex and sexual experiences is difference, despite the fact that researchers are likely
to find as many similarities between women and men’s experiences as differences
(Canary & Dindia, 1998; Sprecher et al., 1995). Examinations of gender identity
286 M. P. Orbe et al.
(masculine, feminine, and androgynous) and sexual experiences are largely absent in
the scholarly literature (for exception, see Byers, 1996).
While a traditional belief is that heterosexual women are more likely to feel a lack of
control involving virginity loss than young men, recent studies have suggested that an
increasing number of adolescent men experience similar emotions (Wight et al.,
2000). Carpenter’s (2005) qualitative research project is especially relevant here. Based
on in-depth interviews with 61 U.S. Americans from diverse backgrounds, she
explored how perceptions of virginity loss were informed by the preconceived values
that they brought to the experiences. Specifically, she discovered three dominant
metaphors that reflect different perspectives: virginity as a gift, virginity as a stigma,
and virginity loss as a rite of passage. While her focus is on these three dominant
metaphors, Carpenter (2005) also identified a small number of individuals who also
embrace virginity as worship. According to Carpenter, these metaphors inform larger
frameworks through which people understand virginity and influence their sexual
practices. For instance, she found that ‘‘gifters’’ were much more likely to practice
safer sex compared to individuals who viewed their virginity as a stigma. In terms
of sex, most women and men describe their first sexual experiences as satisfying—
and even enjoyable (Carpenter, 2005).
As demonstrated within this brief introduction, a small but growing body of
literature on first-time sexual experiences exists. First-time sexual experiences are
considered as a major life transition, one that people report as memorable through-
out their entire lives (Harvey, Flanary, & Morgan, 1986). Yet, there is little contem-
porary scholarly research that focuses on the similarities and differences of how
women and men frame their experiences. In an era marked by increased sexual
activity, high rates of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) in young-adult popula-
tions, and billons of dollars of direct costs to treat them (Chesson, Blandford, Gift,
Tao, & Irwin, 2004), explorations on this topic can provide a unique vantage point
for communication scholars and practitioners (Finer, 2007). As documented next,
existing literature on narratology and memorable messages provides a valuable
conceptual framework to explore the impact of first sexual experiences on current
sexual practices.
The Narratology of Memorable Messages About Relationships and Sex
Individuals receive hundreds, if not thousands, of messages from various sources
every day; yet the vast majority of these messages remain on the fringes of short-term
memory (Smith, Ellis, & Yoo, 2001). Only a select few of these messages become
‘‘memorable,’’ meaning that they are remembered for an extended period of time
and continue to have a profound influence on a person’s life (Knapp, Stohl, &
Reardon, 1981). Memorable messages are personal and legitimate messages (Stohl,
1986), internalized and taken to heart (Knapp et al., 1981), that become a lasting
influence on people’s lives (Ellis & Smith, 2004). Consequently, they represent
‘‘rich sources of information about ourselves, our society, and our ways of
communicating’’ (Knapp et al., 1981, p. 40).
Communication Quarterly 287
In the last two and a half decades, communication scholars have studied memor-
able messages in terms of organizational socialization (e.g., Dallimore, 2003; Stohl,
1986), influence of family communication (e.g., Ellis & Smith, 2004; Medved, Brogan,
McClanahan, Morris, & Shepherd, 2006), perceptions of illness and healthcare (e.g.,
Keely, 2004; Lauckner et al., 2012; Smith, Atkin, Skubisz, Nazion, & Stohl, 2009; Smith
et al., 2010), constructions of identity (Heisler & Ellis, 2008; Holladay, 2002), and
understandings of discrimination in an increasingly diverse world (Camara & Orbe,
2010). For this particular study, the literature on memorable messages represents a
useful conceptual lens through which to study salient influences of current sexual
practices (Medved et al., 2006). Specifically, we extend this conceptual frame by
focusing on memorable message narratives—the stories that individuals name as most
influential to current practices.
Traditionally, memorable message research has followed a rational-scientific
model whereby memorable messages were measured in terms of their role in self-
assessing current and past behaviors (e.g., Ellis & Smith, 2004). Given our interest
in participant recollections of memorable messages they received regarding sex, we
adopt narrative theory (Fisher, 1987) as a theoretical lens to highlight the narratogo-
lical nature of memorable experiences. Narratology, according to Browning (2009), is
the ‘‘study and theory of narratives, or complex stories—what they are made of, how
they are structured, and what we gain from using them as a vehicle for communi-
cation’’ (p. 673). Treating descriptions of memorable experiences through narratives
is consistent with qualitative methodology that adopts a humanistic approach to
communication research (Bute & Jensen, 2011; Manoogian, Harter, & Denham,
2010). Accordingly, we seek to explore memorable experiences, and the messages that
are associated with them, through stories that hold special meaning and contain
important life lessons (Browning, 2009).
According to Knapp et al. (1981), memorable messages are ‘‘remembered for
extremely long periods of time,’’ and are perceived as ‘‘a major influence on the course
of [people’s] lives’’ (p. 27). A message is memorable because it provides an answer to
an inner conflict or personal problem, prompts a greater understanding of self, or pro-
vides a guide to self-assessment of behavior that is analyzed and discussed (Smith et al.,
2001). While earlier research found that memorable messages were offered verbally by
older people with higher statuses in comparison to the participant (Knapp et al.,
1981), more recent studies identify more diverse sources of memorable message,
including peers (Smith et al., 2010) and those gained from personal experiences (Ellis
& Smith, 2004). Extending this work, our intended focus is to explore first sexual
experiences that individuals reported as having significant impact on current sexual
practices. Interestingly, Morgan and Zurbriggen (2007) found that the negotiation
of the first sexual partner has a lasting impact on sexual and relational influences.
Their research demonstrated the multidimensional nature of memorable experiences
that are formulated from different sources over the course of one’s life and the com-
plex ways that they shape ideas and beliefs about current and future sexual encounters.
In short, memorable messages are gained through a variety of sources and contexts
(including personal experiences), provide a general guideline for what should or
288 M. P. Orbe et al.
should not be done in a given situation, and are recalled when a decision must be
made on how to behave.
As demonstrated through this abbreviated literature review, scholars have utilized
memorable messages as a conceptual framework to study a variety of communicative
contexts. In addition, researchers have engaged this topic, both quantitatively (e.g.,
Barge & Schlueter, 2004; Holladay, 2002; Smith & Ellis, 2001; Smith et al., 2001)
and qualitatively (e.g., Ford & Ellis, 1998; Keeley, 2004; Knapp et al., 1981; Stohl,
1986) in research studies. Unlike existing research, we adopt narratology to study
how meaning is generated through memorable experience narratives (e.g., Manoogian
et al., 2010). Given the exploratory nature of our study, we utilize it as an interpretive
lens to gain insight into the following two research questions:
RQ1: When college students name their first sexual experience as a ‘‘memorable’’
experience, what themes emerge within positive, negative, and neutral frames?;
RQ2: What gendered themes, if any, exist within positively, negatively, and neutrally
framed first sexual memorable experiences?
Methods: Qualitative Content Analysis
The data analyzed within this article were collected as a part of a large national study.
From April–June, 2012, we conducted a research project focusing on college student
sexual experiences and knowledge of sexually transmitted infections. Within this
section, we describe the participants, survey, and analytic process of the study.
Participants
Participants for this study were recruited from three different college campuses from
across the U.S.: (a) a small private urban college located in the Northeast, (b) a large
state land-grant university located in the upper Midwest, and (c) a mid-sized
historically black university in the South. Initially, each of the faculty researchers
provided extra credit opportunities to students in their communication classes who
volunteered to complete the 10-minute survey online. In order to widen and diversify
the participant pool, other students across campus beyond this initial scope were also
encouraged to participate. Through the process, 476 surveys were collected from the
three different campuses: 147 from the Northeast campus, 215 from the Midwest
campus, and 114 from the Southern campus. Within this large data set, 100 indivi-
duals (13%) provided narratives that focused specifically on their first sexual experi-
ence. This smaller data subset, similar in size to other qualitative studies exploring
sexual experiences (Morgan & Zurbriggen, 2007), is the focus of our current analysis.
In order to counter existing criticism on the ways that traditional researchers collect
and analyze demographic markers such as race, age, and gender (Houston, 2002),
demographic information was collected from participants via an open-ended prompt
that asked them to provide a self-description of their identity. The approach mirrors
the advice of Martin, Krizek, Nakayama, and Bradford (1996), who asserted that
Communication Quarterly 289
individuals should be asked to provide their own labels, presumably ones that
have meaning for them. Because of the lack of consistency in these self-descriptions,
reporting participant demographics with any confidence is difficult.
1
Using an online survey, we asked participants a few binary questions (e.g., Have
you ever had sex?) and several Likert-style questions that asked about levels of knowl-
edge and awareness of HPV and comfort in discussing sex with family members and
romantic partners. We also included one open-ended question that asked participants
to provide ‘‘a brief but detailed story that describes something from your past—a
story, memory, experience, and=or message from another source—that has most
impacted your CURRENT SEXUAL PRACTICES.’’ This prompt provided a rich
source of detailed data concerning a variety of details regarding narratives about
memorable sexual experiences. A copy of the complete survey is available on request.
This self-report methodological strategy (Lauckner et al., 2012) was consistent with
our desire to have participants ‘‘narrate their own experiences within these interac-
tions as opposed to asking participants to respond to topics chosen by the researchers’’
(Morgan & Zurbriggen, 2007, p. 519). Within this study, participant stories ranged
from those that were 1–2 sentences long to those that were several paragraphs.
Thematic Analytical Process
In order to explore our two research questions, we employed a qualitative content
analysis (e.g., Dallimore, Hertenstein, & Platt, 2004) of these stories. Content analysis
is the methodological approach to ‘‘identify, enumerate, and analyze occurrences of
specific messages’’ (Frey, Botan, & Kreps, 2000, p. 236). According to Krippendorf
(1980), content analysis involves four steps—including generating data that is illustra-
tive of real phenomenon, data reduction, inference, and analysis—that lead to stan-
dardization of future research. We first separated out first sexual experiences
(N ¼100) from the larger data set of narratives regarding sex (N ¼476). Within the
100 narratives, responses were coded in terms of valence (positive, negative, and=or
neutral). In particular, researchers coded narratives as neutral if they only included
descriptive language, and narratives as positive or negative when explicit comments
of an evaluative nature were used. While an increasingly large number of content
analyses have utilized various computer programs, we decided upon traditional
human coding in order to maximize the subjectivity (Conway, 2006) that came with
researchers who have a familiarity with related research and the large data set.
In order to establish an acceptable level of intercoder reliability, three of the four
article co-authors coded the entire data set independently (Lombard, Snyder-Duch,
& Bracken, 2002). These assessments resulted in intercoder reliability levels of 0.81
(Krippendorff, 1980), exceeding generally acceptable benchmarks of 0.70–0.80 (Frey
et al., 2000; Lombard et al., 2002). Overall, the vast majority of coding assessments
had agreement from two out of the three independent coders. For the small number
of remaining cases, coders discussed the items until they reached a general agreement
(Benoit, Pier, & Blaney, 1987).
290 M. P. Orbe et al.
Thematic Analytical Process
Once the narratives were coded in terms of valence, we engaged participant narratives
as a means to explore the central themes contained in first sexual experience narra-
tives. In particular, we drew from the work of Owen (1984) and used three criteria
(repetition, recurrence, and forcefulness) to assist in the emergence of primary themes
(see also Apker, Propp, & Ford, 2005). Specifically, the thematic analytic process
included four steps. First, the 100 responses related to first sexual experiences were
extracted from the larger data set and organized into one Microsoft Excel sheet.
Second, we reviewed this data subset to locate frequent appearances of specific words
and phrases (repetition) across participant narratives. Third, we recorded how similar
meanings were articulated through various articulations (recurrence) from different
participants. Fourth, we also took note of the power behind certain excerpts that were
emphasized through different codes (e.g., ALL CAPS), punctuation (!!!! or ???), or
format (bold or italics). The initial thematization process generated approximately
10 potential themes. We re-engaged the data using this preliminary organizational
structure as an efficient means to facilitate another level of analysis whereby several
key over-arching, memorable, experience-based themes could be identified. This
process involved focusing on the essence of memorable messages (rather than the
source or impact) and collapsing more specific preliminary themes into more broadly
defined categories.
Thematic Analysis
As displayed in Table 1, the percentages of positively framed, negatively framed, and
neutrally framed messages were similar for both women and men. In fact, the coding
results revealed through our initial analysis reported more similarities than differences
in the ways in which women and men framed their memorable message descriptions
regarding their first sexual experience. However, the strength of a qualitative content
analytic methodology is in the ways in which it allows empirical results to be under-
stood through the enhanced insight available through thematic analysis (Gilchrist &
Camara, 2012). A thematization of the positively, negatively, and neutrally framed sex-
ual memorable experiences generated some identifiable gendered patterns explicated
in the next section. Within this section, we demonstrated how women and men’s first
Table 1 Message Valence by Gender
Female (N ¼67) Male (N ¼29)
Positively Framed Narratives 35.8%(N ¼24) 34.5%(N ¼10)
Negatively Framed Narratives 53.7%(N ¼36) 44.8%(N ¼13)
Neutrally Framed Narratives 13.4%(N ¼9) 20.6%(N ¼6)
Note. The categories used in coding and thematization of narratives were not separate or discrete. Several
narratives included comments that reflected both positive and negative evaluative comments and insights
reflective of one or more themes. Consequently the numbers and percentages in Table 1 do not match exactly.
Communication Quarterly 291
sexual memorable narratives were both similar and different in terms of valence. We
begin our thematic analysis by discussing those narratives that did not appear to be
framed positively or negatively.
Of the 100 narratives that focused on memorable first-time sexual experiences
2
, 14
(15%) were coded as neutrally framed narratives. Relatively balanced between male
and female participants (20.6%, 13.4%respectively), these descriptions were void of
any particular value statements or references. In most cases, participants provided
responses that were exclusively descriptive and inclusive of purely stated facts: For
example, extremely short responses included ‘‘I had sex once’’ (male response), ‘‘I
had sex for the first time Easter Sunday’’ (female response), and ‘‘I had oral sex when
I was in fifth grade ...Had a huge impact on my future sexual life’’ (male response).
Other participant narratives coded as neutral spoke to the influential power of their
first experience but didn’t frame them as explicitly or implicitly positive or negative.
One woman wrote, for example, ‘‘I had sex at an early age & got pregnant, I don’t have
any regrets.’’ The remaining responses in this category recounted experiences through
a neutral voice. These included two male responses (‘‘It was me and this one girl in my
bed when my roommate was gone. She was scared to have vaginal sex so we did
everything else;’’ ‘‘MY first time was at 13 so now I am more aware of people and their
first time being at different ages’’) and one female response:
There isn’t any significant story in my life that has impacted my decision to have
sex. I am in a committed relationship, and have only been with her. I never saw
losing my virginity as a huge deal; I love her and wanted to be with her, so we
had sex.
As explicated within the forthcoming paragraphs, the vast majority of first sexual
narratives were framed in positive or negative ways.
Positively Framed Narratives: Some Gendered Nuances for First Sexual Experiences
Thirty-six percent of all first sexual memorable experiences were articulated through
a positive frame. A qualitative content analysis revealed almost identical balance
between female (35.8%) and male (34.5%) respondents who provided these descrip-
tions. While the overall balance of memorable narratives was equitably distributed in
terms of sex, our thematic analysis revealed some interesting gendered nuances that
are explicated in this section. In this regard, we incorporate insights related to both
biological sex (female, male) and gendered expressions (masculine, feminine,
androgynous) to our analysis (Bem, 1981). As explained next, positively framed mes-
sages regarding one’s first sexual experience were thematized as a (a) great experience;
(b) thoughtful, good decision; (c) special experience; and (d) positive communicative
experience.
Great experience. Several participants, both women and men, recalled their first
sexual experience as a ‘‘very good’’ or ‘‘great’’ one. One male participant simply wrote,
‘‘I remember the first time I had sex. It was great. I ejaculated within two minutes.’’
292 M. P. Orbe et al.
His physical (and self-focused) statement was quite different than that of a woman
who focused on how gentle and understanding her boyfriend was when she wrote:
The first time I had sex was in college as freshmen with my boyfriend who was a
sophomore. It was a very good first experience because he knew it was my first time
and was very genteel [sic] with me and kept me calm and relaxed. I asked him if he
could put a condom on and he did without question. I haven’t been with anyone
else but when I do, I hope they are as great about it as he was.
Reflecting an androgynous or feminine style of communication,
3
this participant’s
boyfriend approach to the first time sexual experience was much appreciated. In a
similar vein, a male participant also discussed how his first sexual experience was
positive because of the negotiation between romantic partners.
I will tell the first time I had sex was my freshmen year in high school. I was kind of
nervous because I knew it was soon for me to lose my virginity one night after a
party I had went to. My girlfriend was a senior in high school obviously with way
more experience than me. I went over her cousin’s place, we kicked it in the living
room for a hot second then started kissing. Soon after we took it to the next room. I
came prepared that night with like 10 condoms! I have older brothers and they
always taught me to always keep condoms with me. As we were kissing she took
her pants off and told me to sit down because she was going to get on top of me.
Knowing the big ego I had and for my first experience with this whole ordeal, I told
her to lay down and I would start everything off. I took my pants off already aroused,
put my condom on slightly nervous and started to have sex. That night I felt good
about myself ...lol.
Within this example, the male participant enacted a more masculine approach to the
situation, asserting his need to actions that reflected his ‘‘big ego’’ and control of the
situation. These narratives focused on how great the physical and psychological plea-
sure was for the first sexual experience; other positively framed memorable messages
described how losing their virginity reflected a thoughtful, good decision.
Thoughtful, good decision. While both women and men provided narratives that
positively framed their first sexual experience as ‘‘good=great,’’ it was primarily
women whom described the positivity in terms of how it reflected a conscious decision
process. These women look back on their decision with great satisfaction—something
in stark contrast to a larger number of both women and men whose first sexual
experience was filled with regrets (see the next section on negatively framed messages).
Several women highlighted the agency that went into their decision, something that
rejects a traditional feminine (passive) role and instead asserts an androgynous style
whereby both partners’ needs were addressed. This was the case for one female
participant who wrote:
I have had sex with only one person, my boyfriend of almost two years. I decided it
was the right time ONLY because I was positive we loved each other. We always
practice safe sex in order to protect ourselves and our futures.
Communication Quarterly 293
The power of ‘‘I-statements’’ included in this narrative is also seen in other female
responses, including one which stated: ‘‘The first time that I have had sex was several
months after I was dating my (ex) boyfriend. I felt that we were ready to have sex and
we both had talked about it.’’ Within these positively framed messages, first sexual
experiences were defined through an empowering sense of agency.
For other women, their first sexual experiences were juxtaposed with those of other
women whose experiences weren’t as positive. These participants seemed critical of
others who assumed a feminine stance in terms of their sexuality. One woman, for
example, learned some important lessons by watching her friends, and consequently
waited to have sex until she was ‘‘emotionally and mentally mature enough.’’
I saw many friends of mine in middle and high school having sex and letting that
define their relationships and=or becoming too attached to a person based mostly
on their physical interaction. I waited until I was emotionally and mentally mature
enough to handle sex before having sex. When I did have sex for the first time, I did
not regret it, felt prepared and informed, and it did not drastically change the
relationship between myself and my partner.
Another female participant described a similar decision-making process, based on the
experiences of her mother and grandmother.
My grandmother gave birth to my mother when she was only eighteen years old. My
mother had her first child when she was only sixteen years old. For both of them, it
was a struggle raising children at such young ages. After hearing from both of them
how hard it was, I was always very weary [sic] of sex. I waited until I was almost nine-
teen to finally have sex, and when I did I made sure I was on birth control first, and
we used a condom too. I always make sure I have protected sex because I don’t want
to risk getting pregnant, I just have too much going for me to take a chance like that.
Special experience. Another theme that emerged within positively framed memor-
able experiences with first-time sexual narratives related to what a special experience it
was. Most of the memorable experiences reflecting this theme described how indivi-
duals had waited for ‘‘the right one,’’ something that made it meaningful and special.
These experiences appeared to adopt a more androgynous communicative style, one
that was not excessively aggressive or passive. As one woman wrote,
The first time I had sex was with someone I was in a long-term committed relation-
ship with in high school. We talked about it before doing it & even though we’re not
together anymore, the fact that I waited to have sex with someone I trusted shaped
my personal view on it. Today, I still continue having sex with only people I trust,
usually someone I’m in a monogamous relationship with. I view sex as a practice that
fulfills something greater than a physical need. I see it as a way to connect with some-
one special in my life and share a part of myself that is not shared with just anyone.
This extended narrative illustrates how the positive outcome of such a special initial
experience with sex has impacted future sexual practices. A similar dynamic appeared
in other examples as well, including one woman who wrote: ‘‘I lost my virginity when
294 M. P. Orbe et al.
I was 14 in the woods in Maine to a boy I was in love with and am still close to.
Because I first had sex with someone that I really care about, I do not like to have
meaningless sexual intercourse.’’
Interestingly, women authored all of the memorable narratives within this theme,
with one exception. Below is the lone man (of 29 total male participants) who
explicitly used the word ‘‘special’’ in his memorable experience description.
I have only had sexual practices with one person as of now. We were both virgins at
the time. I had been dating this person for over 2 years and we didn’t start having sex
until after the first year of dating. She was special. This has made it harder to be
sexually active after we went our separate ways. I assume that how it affects my cur-
rent behaviors is that I will not be sexually active again until I am very comfortable
with another person.
It is possible that other male participants felt that their first experiences were
‘‘special,’’ but avoided this descriptor because of its feminine nature. Alternatively,
the vast majority of men may not have been socialized to define sexual experiences
in this manner.
Positive communicative experience. The final theme that emerged within positively
framed memorable messages regarding first sexual experiences focused specifically on
the positive communication surrounding the situation. As illustrated within this sec-
tion, both women and men were equally likely to utilize this positive framing.
Memorable narratives that highlighted the positive communication that
accompanied first sexual experiences focused on two qualities: communication that
was open and created a comfortable relational environment—both characteristics of
an androgynous communication partnership. One women explained how her ‘‘most
recent ex boyfriend was my first sexual experience.’’ She continued by writing, ‘‘He
was extremely comfortable with talking about anything sexual and encouraged me
to feel comfortable as well without being forceful.’’ A male participant offered a similar
sentiment when he wrote: ‘‘I have sexual encounter[s] with my significant other of 3
years. We are open about our sex life and feel comfortable talking to each other about
it.’’ Another male discussed how a positive communicative experience with his first
serious girlfriend ‘‘rubbed off on me ...we were always open about our sex life with
each other and it has carried over in to most of my relationships since then.’’
Several women offered similar descriptions of their first sexual experiences that
were largely positive because of the communicative support of their partners. One
woman described how discussing the decision to have sex ‘‘brought [them] closer
together physically and emotionally.’’ This idea was evident in the narratives of both
women and men, as illustrated by the following descriptions:
I have been with my boyfriend for five years now. I lost my virginity to him after we
dated for a year. He is in the military and we have been apart for over a year before.
He openly talks about our sex life and wants to make sure that I am comfortable
with everything that we do ...Him acknowledging the chance that I may ever feel
uncomfortable and respecting that brought our sex life to a level of comfort and
closeness. (Female participant)
Communication Quarterly 295
I was very close with a girl from my hometown and she was moving away the
next day. Her last night, we found a place in the park and put a blanket out. I did
not want to make it seem like I just wanted to get with her and leave. I wanted to
tell her exactly how I felt about her before she left for back home in Tennessee. We
did a few sexual things but the best thing was when we were just talking about one
another and how we felt. We did not go all the way, but I will remember that night
for the rest of my life. (Male participant)
Open, caring, and honest communication surrounding first-time sexual experiences
was featured within this theme; something that counters research that reports that
men and women fulfill traditionally masculine and feminine roles (respectively;
Cohen & Shotland, 1996). This section has focused on different gendered nuances
regarding positively framed narratives. Our next section demonstrates how more
definitive gendered patterns emerged within negatively framed narratives.
Negatively Framed Narratives: Definitive Gendered Patterns
Fifty-one of the 100 memorable messages regarding first sexual experiences were
framed negatively. By a small margin, women were more likely than men to author
negative messages (53.7%vs. 44.8%). Even more interestingly were the ways in which
our thematic analysis revealed several definitive gendered patterns in regards to four
themes: (a) undesired consequences, (b) rape=abuse, (c) regrets, and (d) unpleasur-
able to horrible experiences.
Undesired consequences. Female and male participants were equally likely to frame
their first sexual experience as negative because of undesired consequences that came
with it. Most often, the first time having sex involved not using a condom, something
that resulted in both actual pregnancies (‘‘The worse thing happened ...I GOT PREG-
NANT THE FIRST TIME!,’’ female participant) and pregnancy scares (‘‘The first time
[I] had sex [I] did not use a condom. The girl was later saying that she might be preg-
nant. I later found out that she was not,’’ male participant). Not practicing safe sex
during their first sexual experience also resulted in another negative outcome: STIs.
This reality was articulated by a male participant who wrote:
After finding out that I was HPV positive in December of 2009, six months after
having my first anal sex experience, I started using condoms all the time. We didn’t
use condoms, he told me he didn’t have any diseases. It was my first time. He was
living with me and was also cheating on me with a woman.
Data also featured narratives with another clear undesired consequences—the
psychological costs that come with having sex. Of note, only women alluded to the
mental anguish that accompanied their decision to have sex, something reflective of
a feminine form of gendered expression. Some women demonstrated a conscientious
mindset and reported a psychological cost for having sex was ‘‘backlash’’ from others:
I was at a party when I was a junior in high school and ended up having sex with a
guy. I knew him and we were ‘talking’ however, I got a lot of back lash from this.
296 M. P. Orbe et al.
It started a lot of drama with people calling me names in my school and ever since
then I am very safe when it comes to sex.
Another woman described the guilt that she internalized based on her religion.
Ever since I was little because of my religion I was told that sex was bad and also
that contraceptives are bad as well. When I first starting having sex, I felt very guilty
and also I didn’t want to start taking the pill. Now, I don’t feel guilty and use many
forms of birth control.
Fear was the final psychological negative described in first sexual memorable
experiences. As described earlier, some fear was expressed as it relates to the possible
outcomes of unsafe sex. However, for one female participant, her fear was reflective
of the actual experience: ‘‘When I was 15 and first had sex I got blood on his sheets.
He was really nice about it and everything but it always made me a little nervous and
skeptical of what was going to come out of there after sex.’’ This narrative reflects the
time of vulnerability, sympathetic, and sensitivity to the needs of others that is
characteristic of traditional femininity.
Rape=abuse. Given existing statistics (Smothers, 2011), it should come as no sur-
prise that several narratives were framed negatively because the first sexual experience
involved rape, molestation, or abuse. Eight participants—all women—described
instances of sexual physical abuse. The particulars of each situation varied, including
being violated (at age 4) by a ‘‘little boy my mother babysitted,’’ ‘‘molested by two
different people, one of which is my dad,’’ being ‘‘raped by someone considered a
friend,’’ ‘‘molested for four years by a family friend,’’ and ‘‘groped by a pediatrician
when I was fifteen.’’ While each circumstance was unique, for these women, the nega-
tive effects were long lasting and severe.
One woman described how being drugged and molested in high school has contin-
ued to impact her relations with men. Like several other women, she has never
disclosed this experience to others. In particular, she wrote:
When I was a sophomore in high school I was drugged and molested by an
unknown person at a party. I would randomly hook up with people, but never have
sex because I would freak out when it got to that point until my freshman year in
college when I started to have flash backs of my molestation. I stopped having sex
until I met my boyfriend this year and I am open with what I like and what I don’t
like when it comes to sex. I still have not told him about my molestation though.
These first sexual narratives feature experiences whereby individuals had no choice.
Within the next section we highlight narratives in which participants had some
agency, but came to regret their decision to have sex.
Regrets. A substantial number of narratives were framed negatively in that indivi-
duals described how they regretted becoming sexually active when they did. Com-
pared to those who had ‘‘no regrets’’ (see positive framing section), twice as many
participants described negatively framed memorable experiences where they regretted
Communication Quarterly 297
having their first sexual encounter when they did. These individuals included both
women and men.
Most of the participants described their negatively framed first sexual experiences
as premature. This was the biggest source of regrets. One female participant admitted
that, ‘‘the first time I had sex was before I was cognitively=emotionally ready with an
ex-boyfriend of 2 years. I was never comfortable and always plagued by the ‘what if’
circumstances.’’ Another woman described how her first sexual experience was fueled
by an immature sense of competition, a traditionally masculine quality.
I decided to have sex for the first time because my sister had just lost her virginity,
and I was jealous of her. We were very competitive and I wanted to lose mine first.
It was a very immature way of thinking about my virginity. I had sex with someone
I didn’t care about, and I regret that it wasn’t with someone I loved.
Four male participants also provided narratives that framed their first sexual
experience as negative because it was something that they regretted. For one man,
it came at a time when he was too young.
Sex is not very important to me at all, my first sexual encounter was when I was very
young and was asked if I wanted to lose my virginity by one of my friends. Unsure
and kind of nervous, I said yes. [L]ater on, I had time to think about my actions and
realized that I should not have gone through with it and that I should have waited.
So for about 5 years, I did not have sex with anyone else or tell anyone about the
encounter.
Like several female participants, men also alluded to the fact that, ‘‘If I could go back,
I would have waited to have sex.’’ Unlike women, however, men were much more
likely to explicitly describe how they were pressured into having sex before they were
ready. While not explicitly stated, many male participants implied that part of the
pressure likely stemmed from traditional masculine gendered roles where sex was
seen as a commodity. This was present in the comments of one male participant:
When I was 15 years old [sophomore in high school] I dated a girl who was 17
[senior in high school]. Because she was so old, I felt a lot of pressure from her
and my friends to have sex with her. I was not at all ready for this and when we
tried, it was very uncomfortable and awkward.
This particular response contained a reference to external pressure but also included a
description of the experience as uncomfortable and awkward, a form of conscien-
tiousness that reflects feminine communicative qualities as well. The next negatively
connotated theme features experiences that may have been regretted, however, the
focus of the narrative is on the lack of pleasure and satisfaction within the first
encounter.
Unpleasurable to terrible experiences. The final theme found within negatively
framed descriptions of first sexual experiences focused on the lack of pleasure that
was experienced. As seen in the narratives highlighted within this section, both women
and men recounted first sexual experiences that were less than ideal in this regard.
298 M. P. Orbe et al.
Some participants described how their first time was with individuals who were
‘‘rude,’’ ‘‘insulting,’’ ‘‘deceptive,’’ and a ‘‘total turn-off.’’ One woman concisely wrote,
‘‘My first time was awful, [the] person [was] too pushy, demanding, and I didn’t like
it.’’ This woman’s comments clearly describe a masculine communication style. A
similar dynamic was seen with another female participant who shared that her first
time was as ‘‘dysfunctional’’ as the actual relationship. She wrote:
[L]ooking back, I was crazy for being part of it. I dated this guy for 3 years and
because he was the first for just about everything, I thought it was normal for
how forward he was when it came to sex. He would like to be tied to chairs and
yelled at, belittled, whipped and slapped. All of this made me feel extremely
uncomfortable at first but I became numb to it after awhile ...I never liked it.
Different words were used to capture the magnitude of displeasure associated with
first sexual experiences. One man, for example, shared:
When I was a senior in high school, I got my first girlfriend and I wanted to have
sex as soon as possible. I felt nervous buying the condoms in preparation of the big
day, but I knew I needed them. When we did finally have sex, I fumbled with the
condom and had short, bad sex.
This man, like others whose narratives were analyzed earlier, appears to demonstrate
a need to fulfill a masculine role concerning sex but shares his disappointment
with the outcome. Another male participant shared a similar experience with his first
girlfriend.
The first time I had sex, I was very young with my first girlfriend. She insisted on
no foreplay and the result was robotic, impassionate, terrible sex. She later told me
she regretted it, which affected my sex life for about 4 years. For those 4 years, I
could not trust a girl enough to have sex with her.
The lack of actual pleasure in these descriptions is evident, however, the memorable
experience narrative authored by a young woman illustrates how some first sexual
experiences were traumatic.
The first time I had sex my partner was a few years older than I, but still a virgin.
We didn’t have clear boundaries about sex and what we were comfortable with, so
one time when we were fooling around, he began having sex without a condom
with me. I being unready for the step and fearing having a child, told him to stop.
He then attempted to find a condom to make me more comfortable. Not finding
any ...he used a plastic baggie instead. I was not ready for this action, but he
persisted, and I consented. After he finished, I began crying, and he said to me
‘Well, you can’t take it back now.’
From a gendered perspective, each of these narratives—albeit in different ways—
reflects a negotiation of feminine and masculine communicative styles against a
backdrop of rigid of sex-role expectations. In our final section, we discuss these
and other issues stemming from our analysis.
Communication Quarterly 299
Discussion
Our study was designed to explore how college students frame memorable first-time
sexual experiences generally, and what—if any—patterns related to sex and gender
existed within our small but diverse data set. Our data was comprised of self-generated
narratives, those in which participants identified their first sexual encounters as having
the greatest saliency in terms of current sexual practices. Studying the narratology of
memorable experiences, we found that women and men frame their experiences, in
terms of message valence, in similar ways. Our thematic analysis of these memorable
encounters reveals that gendered patterns and nuances exist in terms of positively
framed (great experience; thoughtful, good decision; special experience; and positive
communicative experience) and negatively framed (undesired consequences; rape=
abuse; regrets; and unpleasurable to horrible experiences) themes. In terms of positive
frames, we found that women and men were similar in their likelihood to describe
their first sexual experiences as ‘‘a great experience’’ generally, and a ‘‘positive com-
municative experience’’ more specifically. Interestingly, female participants primarily
were the ones who defined their experience in feminine ways using the word ‘‘special’’
and reflective of a thoughtful, good decision. Within the negative frames that existed,
men and women were equally likely to cite undesired consequences, regrets, and
various levels of ‘‘bad sex.’’ Of note, all of the memorable first sexual experiences that
involved rape, molestation, and=or abuse by dominant and forceful men were
authored by women. While we acknowledge the polyvocality of participant narratives
(Lyotard, 1984), our findings provide valuable insight into the complex ways in which
memorable narratives involve important life experiences (Knapp et al., 1981), as well
as making an important contribution to the study of gender, sex, and communication.
A significant outcome of our study lies within the ways it demonstrates the simila-
rities and differences across and within male and female experiences. Traditionally,
researchers have hypothesized male and female differences and often overemphasized
those differences while neglecting to highlight important similarities across gendered
identities (Canary & Dindia, 1998; Lorber, 1993). The findings of our study reflect
contemporary realities that resist oversimplifications of gendered differences as a
binary (Wight et al., 2000). In addition, they demonstrate how personal experiences
often times elicit contradictions with traditional gender arrangements and stereotypes
that remain within larger cultural values—including traditional masculine expecta-
tions for men to view sex as a commodity (McCabe, Tanner, & Heiman, 2010). For
example, historically it has been women, and not men, who have reported the impor-
tance of reserving their first sexual experience until they have found love (DeLamater,
1987). This mentality, according to Sprecher et al. (1995), prompted a ‘‘love effect’’
whereby people reported more pleasure, and a more positive experience, when they
were in a relationship that continued long after the initial sexual experience. Our
research reveals that a balance of both women and men whose first sexual encounter
was framed as positive appeared to experience a ‘‘love effect,’’ something that is reflec-
tive of a feminine or androgynous gendered form of expression. Future research is
needed to further explore the salient factors, in addition to and in intersection with
300 M. P. Orbe et al.
gender, such as race, sexual orientation, regionality, and spirituality that impact
memorable messages regarding sex.
Our study also lays the foundation for future research that reflects both theoretical
and conceptual innovations. A major contribution of our exploratory study of first sex-
ual experiences to existing literature is the productive ways in which we investigated the
narratives of memorable messages broadly defined, given the powerful ways in which
they serve as a template for understanding human life (Browning, 2009). This epistemo-
logical shift away from a rational-scientific paradigm (Fisher, 1987) seen in traditional
memorable message research (Knapp et al., 1981; Smith et al., 2010) provides a valuable
opportunity to study memorable messages as determined by participant narratives
rather than existing conceptualizations. From the perspective of students at three
diverse colleges and universities, memorable first-time sexual narratives about sex were
gained through personal experiences—something that appears in existing literature but
is relatively unexplored (Ellis & Smith, 2004). As such, our findings highlight memor-
able experiences through which messages are implicitly gained outside of traditional
conceptualizations. In short, our findings indicate that self-behaviors (experiences)
can generate memorable messages. Given this, studying the narratives that individuals
share about memorable experiences—and the valuable lessons associated with these
experiences—represents a heuristically rich area for future research and theorizing.
As such, our study highlights the ways in which ‘‘messages’’ are generated through a
variety of contexts, some of which that do not stem directly from explicit verbal content.
Future research can continue this work by examining how memorable experiences are
used to self-assess current and future behaviors (Ellis & Smith, 2004).
Conceptually, the findings of our study beg for additional research that continues to
explore how memorable experiences influence present-day and future decisions regard-
ing sex. While readers might assume that all positively framed first sexual experiences
lead to enhanced positive attitudes, the opposite was not always the case: Not all nega-
tively framed experiences led to greater negative attitudes regarding sex. This was seen
more clearly within several of the memorable experiences that included rape, moles-
tation, or sexual abuse.
4
Several of the women who provided these descriptions recalled
the horrific details of the incident; yet, within these accounts, they also defined them as a
memorable experience in terms of what sex should not involve. Accordingly, several
women framed their positive perspective on sex in their current relationships against
the negative backdrop of a violent and=or abusive first experience, something reflective
of a powerful sense of agency that rejects feminine ideals of passivity and relational
dependency. As such, future research can add considerable depth to the existingliterature
by examining how current behaviors are informed by clusters of memorable messages—
broadly defined—that are oftentimes complementary and oppositional. Scholars inter-
ested in this line of research might draw from the concept of sensemaking, as articulated
by Weick (1995). Grounded in both individual and social activities, sensemaking
‘‘involves turning circumstances into a situation that is comprehended explicitly in words
and that serves as a springboard into action’’ (Weick, Sutcliffe, & Obstfeld, 2005, p. 409).
Sensemaking occurs within a larger societal frame, and incorporating gender role the-
ories—like those established by Eagly (1987) and Bem (1981)—would prove invaluable
Communication Quarterly 301
to understanding how individuals negotiate societal expectations and personal prefer-
ences (McCabe et al., 2010). In particular, the work by Byers (1996), who argued that
sexual coercion is rooted in traditional gendered sexual scripts, appears especially relevant
here. Specific research projects that explore how individuals make sense of multiple,
sometimes competing, memorable experiences about sex appear as potentially insightful
and heuristically rich.
In regards to methodology, our study highlights the productive ways in which
online surveys can engage a large, diverse participant pool and collect anonymous,
confidential data on a sensitive (if not taboo) topic such as sex. While much of the
data was frank, honest, and uncompromising, collecting via an open-ended survey
question also was limiting in that we did not have any opportunities to directly engage
with participants, something that hindered our ability to ask follow-up clarifying
questions. Future research on sexual memorable messages, like that which we’ve out-
lined in this discussion section, would be wise to facilitate data collection strategies
that allow for extended exchanges that can provide greater depth and contextualiza-
tion. Conducting such research online (e.g., via personal or group chats) exists as a
distinct possibility (see, for example, Grabner-Kranter & Kaluscha, 2003). Engaging
participants through communicative channels that foster trust and confidentiality is
crucial to maximizing the depth and richness of data.
We conclude with some brief comments regarding the practical implications of this
line of research. Based on her research, Carpenter (2005) argued that virginity-loss-as-
natural-process should be the adopted guiding framework in contemporary sex edu-
cation. We agree that abstinence-only programs that focus on virginity as a gift (or
worship) and social messages that stigmatize virginity are counterintuitive to healthy
attitudes about sex. As communication scholars, however, we also find great impor-
tance in critically engaging researchers and practitioners that utilize virginity loss
(e.g., Carpenter, 2005) as the dominant linguistic frame to describe first sexual experi-
ences. Within our study, we found that a slim majority of women (53.7%) and a min-
ority of men (44.8%) framed their first sexual experiences as negative. Consequently,
universal language that focuses on the negative (a ‘‘loss’’ of one’s virginity) appears
inaccurate and limiting, if not misleading. Steeped in traditional religious doctrine
(Buggae, 1975), such an approach fails to capture pleasurable and positive first-time
sexual experiences that are regarded as an important step in relationship development.
Instead of universally describing this crucial aspect of a person’s sexual development
in negative terms (e.g., ‘‘When did you lose your virginity?’’), what would be the
impact if we began discussing the event in equally positive terms (e.g., ‘‘When was
the first time you gained sexual intimacy?’’)? In the least, as communication scholars,
we must create linguistic features that reflect the diversity of experience that exists
across a wide continuum. Language represents a crucial tool to assist in understanding
first-time sexual experiences as part of a healthy attitude toward human sexuality,
something advocated by the World Health Organization:
Sexual health is a state of physical, emotional, mental and social well-being
related to sexuality; it is not merely the absence of disease, dysfunction or infirmity.
Sexual health requires a positive and respectful approach to sexuality and sexual
302 M. P. Orbe et al.
relationships, as well as the possibility of having pleasurable and safe sexual experi-
ences, free of coercion, discrimination and violence. (World Health Organizations,
2002, as cited in Carpenter, 2005, p. 194)
Promoting a healthy attitude toward human sexuality must be a core objective within
contemporary sex education efforts. While some sex education curriculum has
proven successful in delaying teen sex, a recent study reported that outdated
curriculum—including antiquated stereotypical thinking in terms of gender—are
hindering their ultimate success (Wong, 2012). Understanding contemporary first
sexual experiences, like those that are featured in this study, is crucial to the creation
and implementation of high quality and effective sex education.
Notes
[1] The open-ended self-descriptions that participants provided were coded in terms of different
demographic variables. While each category had a significant number of missing data, we do
know the following about the sample in terms of: age (29%under 20; 60%in their 20s; 10%
unreported), gender (61%female; 26%male; 13%unreported); race=ethnicity (44%White,
26%Black, 4%Hispanic, 4%, multiracial; 21%unreported); and region (45%midwest
campus, 31%northeast campus, 24%southern campus). Of the 100 narratives analyzed
for this study, only four were authored by a participant whom did not explicitly identify
as male or female. Our assumption is that the remaining participants explicitly named gen-
der in their self-descriptions because it represents a salient aspect of their sexual identities.
[2] Participants were asked to provide their most memorable sexual memory (broadly defined),
one which most influences their current sexual practices. Of the 476 responses, 100 included
descriptions of first-time sexual experiences. This smaller data subset is the focus on our
analysis.
[3] Within our discussion of gendered nuances, we draw from the seminal work of Bem (1981)
by using gender expression (i.e., femininity, masculinity, and adrogngy) as a frame of
reference. As conceptualized, femininity refers to personality traits such as conscientious,
flatterable, compassionate, and sympathetic. Masculinity includes characteristics such as
self-reliant, independent, dominant, strong, and forceful. Androgny is a description for those
communicators whose styles reflect both feminine and masculine charateristics. While this
frame of reference provides another level of understanding communicative behaviors, it is
important to note that these characterizations are social constructions. In other words,
personal characteristics are not naturally ‘‘masculine’’ or ‘‘feminine;’’ yet they have been
labeled as such within certain societal structures.
[4] Nonconsensual sex—including rape, molestation, and abuse—appears to be largely muted in
existing research on virginity loss (e.g., Carpenter, 2005) and first sexual experiences (e.g.,
Sprecher et al., 1995). As such, researchers are failing to understand the powerful impact
of first sexual experiences that individuals endure with no agency of choice in the matter.
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