Content uploaded by Wayne Froggatt
Author content
All content in this area was uploaded by Wayne Froggatt on Mar 23, 2015
Content may be subject to copyright.
Page 1 of 12
TheRational
M anagementofAnger
A cognitive-behaviouralapproachtohelping
peoplem anagehostilityandrage
byW ayneF roggatt
This version 13-Feb-2015
Ta b le ofConte nts
What causes hostile anger?.............................................................................................................................................2
Inferential distortions.................................................................................................................................................2
Self-defeating evaluations ..........................................................................................................................................2
Core beliefs ................................................................................................................................................................3
The ABC model...........................................................................................................................................................3
Other causal factors...................................................................................................................................................3
Summary of the treatment procedure..............................................................................................................................3
Three treatment phases ..............................................................................................................................................4
Assessment .....................................................................................................................................................................4
Assess motivation for change.....................................................................................................................................4
Assess historical causes..............................................................................................................................................4
Assess current causal factors.....................................................................................................................................4
Introduce the client to new views on anger ....................................................................................................................5
Teach cognitive coping skills .........................................................................................................................................5
Teach the procedure of self-analysis..........................................................................................................................5
The skill of disputation...............................................................................................................................................6
Other cognitive strategies ..........................................................................................................................................6
Preparing a ‘Benefits Calculation’............................................................................................................................6
Using the ‘Catastrophe Scale’ ...................................................................................................................................7
Teach physiological coping skills...................................................................................................................................7
Teach additional skills as needed....................................................................................................................................8
Time out......................................................................................................................................................................8
Communication and assertiveness training................................................................................................................8
Problem-solving training ...........................................................................................................................................8
How to teach skills .....................................................................................................................................................8
Facilitate skills practice through graduated exposure.....................................................................................................8
Step 1: Develop a hierarchy.......................................................................................................................................8
Step 2: Exposure via imagery.....................................................................................................................................9
Step 3: Exposure in real-life situations ......................................................................................................................9
The end of therapy..........................................................................................................................................................9
Appendix I: Summary of the helping process...............................................................................................................10
Appendix II: A sample of anger-creating irrational beliefs..........................................................................................10
Hostility-Causing Beliefs..........................................................................................................................................10
Rational Alternatives................................................................................................................................................10
Appendix III: Rational self-analysis - an example........................................................................................................11
Appendix IV: References and further reading..............................................................................................................11
Appendix V: Useful resources on the internet..............................................................................................................12
Appendix VI: Client Handouts.....................................................................................................................................12
Page 2 of 12
Anger is possibly the most difficult emotion for human beings to change. Cognitive-behaviour therapy
(CBT), which focuses on the underlying belief system that creates dysfunctional emotions and behaviours, is
able to help people move from hostile, destructive rage to a more constructive type of anger – and maintain
their change in the long term. The procedures outlined in this article use strategies developed by key CBT
theorists Albert Ellis (Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy), Aaron Beck (Cognitive Therapy) and Raymond
Novaco (a specialist in the application of CBTto dysfunctional anger).
Anger is not in itself a problematical emotion. It has value when it serves as a motivator to change un-
wanted circumstances. But anger sometimes gets out of hand: it can take over a person’s reasoning faculties
and lead to rage, hostility and destructive behaviour.
Anger results from a combination of factors: biological, situational and psychological. Change in anyof
these areas can be used to reduce problematical anger, but the most useful focus of change seems to be the
psychological area – in particular, modification of the thinking that creates specific episodes of anger.
What causes hostile anger?
Frustration is a normal reaction to unwanted events and circumstances, and will result when a person fails to
get something they want or gets something they don’t want. Probably all human beings are subject to frustra-
tion, to some degree, every day of their lives, mostly taking it in their stride. Hostile anger, though, is what
happens when a person fails to get what they think they need or must or should have. Such anger is an emo-
tional response to a frustrated demand (as opposed to a frustrated preference).
If you asksomeone with an anger problem what causes their rage, they will usuallyhave a simple answer:
‘other people cause my emotional upsets’. But this raises two questions. How can an external event create an
internal reaction? And why is it that one person can be disappointed but calm in the face of a circumstance to
which another reacts with rage? In reality, events and circumstances alone do not cause anger. Anger results
from how people view what happens to them (Ellis, 1977; Novaco, 1975). Dysfunctional anger typically arises
from one’s interpretations (‘inferences’) of what is happening and the self-defeating evaluations that follow.
Inferentialdistortions
Human beings are constantly interpreting, or ‘inferring’ what is going on around them. According to Beck’s
‘Cognitive Therapy’, there are certain ways of inferring that result in distorted, inaccurate views of reality
(Burns, 1980). Here are the most common ones:
Mind-reading: believing that you know what is going on in another person’s mind; for example, thinking
that someone is viewing you in a negative way.
Fortune-telling: believing your own predictions of the future, e.g. ‘If I don’t get my partner under con-
trol then he/she might leave me’.
Overgeneralisation: building up something so that it becomes bigger than it really is, e.g. ‘Everything is
going wrong in my life’.
Filtering: seeing only the negatives ‘there’s nothing good about my life/this situation/this person/etc.’
Emotional reasoning: believing that your emotions prove something about reality, e.g. ‘I know that
he/she has done something wrong – otherwise I wouldn’t be angry!’
Self-defeatingevaluations
According to Ellis’ ‘Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy’ (Ellis, 1962), misinterpretations alone are unlikely to
cause any emotional response. The real cause is the evaluations that follow from our inferences, where we con-
sciously or subconsciously rate or evaluate those inferences. According to Ellis, there are four ways that human
beings typically evaluate their experiences that create emotional disturbance and dysfunctional behaviour:
Demandingness. Probablythe main cause of hostile anger is expectations that are heldas demands. De-
mandingness comes in two flavours: (1) moralising about how people ‘should’ or ‘should not’ behave; and
(2) musturbation: believing that the world or one’s circumstances ‘have’ to or ‘need’ to be a certain way.
Demands directed outward typically lead to low-frustration tolerance or discomfort-intolerance, known
colloquially as ‘cant-stand-it-it-is’ - viewing events and circumstances as ‘unbearable’, ‘intolerable’ or
‘un-stand-able’.
Awfulising refers to the way that people sometimes view an event of circumstance as the worst that could
happen. Anger frequently results from anxiety, and violence often represents an attempt to ward off per-
ceived threats. REBT suggests that such threats may be of two types (1) perceived threats to well-being
(discomfort anxiety); and perceived threats to self-image (ego anxiety).
People rating refers to the practice of globally evaluating people, for example labelling a person as a
‘bitch’, ‘bastard’, or in some other all-encompassing way that makes it easier to be angry with them.
3
Page 3 of 12
Traditionally in REBT, demandingness is seen as the key type of evaluative thinking, with the other three
types deriving from it. For example, we only think something is ‘awful’ or ‘unbearable’ because we demand
that it not happen; or we evaluate ourselves as ‘failures’ only because we demand that we always succeed
and never fail at anything important.
Corebeliefs
Both Ellis and Beck agree that underlying our surface thinking or ‘automatic thoughts’ are a set of assump-
tions and rules about the world – ‘core beliefs’ that have their origin in childhood learning and are almost
always held subconsciously. The inferences wedraw and howwe evaluate them are determined by our par-
ticular underlying beliefs. Here are some typical core beliefs that tend to be associated with anger:
1. Others must never do anything to devalue me.
2. I should be able to have the things I want, and live my life as I choose.
3. Other people must never behave in ways that frustrate or deprive me, or upset the stability of my exist-
ence.
4. The only way to get people to change their behaviour is to get angry with them.
5. People should always behave in a correct andright fashion.
6. People who behave badly are bad people -and they deserve blame and punishment.
7. To be a real, genuine human being you must always let your feelings show.
8. Anger is evil and destructive.
To illustrate how these underlying core beliefs determine what one thinks in specific situations, take be-
lief number three. Holding this belief would make a person hypersensitive to anything that might be a threat
to their comfort or stability, and thus more likelyto (1) misinterpret the behaviour of others and (2) evaluate
it as ‘awful’ or ‘unbearable’.
TheABC m odel
The role of cognitions in creating anger can beillustrated with the ‘ABC’ model developed by Albert Ellis.
Here is an example:
AActivating event (experience, event or situation that started things off):
Children playing noisily, could not hear television programme.
BBeliefs (self-talk that led from ‘A’ to ‘C’):
Underlying core beliefs:
1. I can’t stand to feel frustrated.
2. Others should never do things that frustrate or upset me,
and when they do, I must get them under control.
Thoughts specific to the situation (but arisingout ofthe core beliefs):
3. I can’t stand their noise.
4. They shouldn’t be so noisy when Iam tryingto relax.
5. I have to make them behave.
CConsequence (reaction to the ‘A’):
Physiological signs: Got very tense.
Emotions: Felt angry.
Behaviours: Went into lounge, shouted at children and called them abusive names.
O thercausalfactors
Although anger results primarily from thinking processes, physiological causes (such as tension, agitation, or
ill-humour) can exacerbate the emotion, along with behavioural deficits (like unassertiveness and poor prob-
lem-solving methods). An effective approach to anger management will take all factors into account.
Summary of the treatment procedure
The overall aim of treatment is to helpthe clientreplace hostile dysfunctional anger (directed at people) with
moderate, functional anger (directed at solving problems). Treatment involves raising frustration-tolerance
through developing the client’s cognitive, physiological, and behavioural coping skills; then providing for
Page 4 of 12
the practice of these skills with exposure to regulated doses of stressors that challenge but do not overwhelm
the client’s coping abilities.
Threetreatm entphases
Treatment typically progresses as follows (though not necessarily in a rigid or linear sequence):
1. Assessment.
2. Introduce the client to new ways of viewinganger.
3. Teach coping techniques: cognitive strategies, controlling physiological symptoms, social skills.
4. Facilitate practice of skills via graduated exposure.
Assessment
Start by helping the client (1) identifytheir motivations for change; (2) identify their personal anger patterns
(their internal signs of anger and the external triggers) so they will be able to recognise anger at an early
stage before it gets out of hand; and (3) identify the functions that anger may serve for them so they can deal
with any factors that may hinder change.
Assessm otivationforchange
Does the client really want to modify their anger? Do they see their anger as inappropriate? If they don’t view
the problem as internal and believe that they need to change, then the procedures that follow will not work. It
will be necessary to help the client see (1) that their anger is not in their interests; and (2) that thecause of their
anger is within themselves, not outside; and (3) that with appropriate training, change is within their power.
Even when the client is willing to change, it will still be useful to ask them to articulate why. Get them to
list their reasons. This information will give them something to fall back on when the process of change be-
comes uncomfortable and they are tempted to give up.
Assesshistoricalcauses
It is sometimes useful to help the client understand where their learning may have come from. Questionslike
the following will facilitate this exploration:
‘How did your father / mother / siblings behave, and how did you know they were angry? Was there any
violence or verbal/passive aggression?’
‘What messages did you get fromyour parents about the expression of anger - OK or not OK? How did
you know it was OK or not OK?’
Don’t, though, fall into the trap of spending too much time on the client’s past – the focus of attention
needs to be on the factors that currently cause their anger:
Assesscurrentcausalfactors
Help the client identify the activating events that trigger their angry episodes, and the consequences (their
physical, emotional and behavioural reactions).The purpose is for the client to learn to recognise these signs
early in an angry episode. Have them keep a diary of A’s & C’s for a few weeks (if they cannot do this, they
might either have a family member assist with the diary; or they could simply observe these factors and re-
port them verbally at the next interview). Here is an example of an A-C diary:
A
Activating event
C
Consequence
Childrenplayingnoisily, couldn’thearTVpro-
gramme
Gottense.Feltangry.
Shoutedatthem andabusedthem.
Partnerarguingaboutmoney. Mad7/10.Stormedoffincar.
When they have got used to recording their ‘A’s and ‘C’s, get them to extend the diary to include the ‘B’s –
the thoughts that create their reactions, like the following:
A
Activating event
B
Beliefs / Thoughts
C
Consequence
Childrenplayingnoisily,
couldn’thearTVpro-
gramme
Ican’tstandtheirnoise..
Theyshouldn’tbesonoisywhenI’mtryingtorelax.
Ihavetomakethembehave.
Gottense.Feltangry.
Shoutedatthem andabused
them.
5
Page 5 of 12
Partnerarguingabout
money.
Sheshouldn’ttellmewhattodo.
She’sademandingbitch.
Mad7/10.Stormedoffincar.
To identify the ‘A’s (Activating events) – the persons, situations, and statesthat trigger anger – help the cli-
ent look for such things as rejection, rule-breaking by others, arguments, alcohol, feelings of anxiety, and per-
fectionistic behaviour on their part. You could also use the diary information to check out the (perceived) gains
for the client frombecoming angry (e.g. release of tension or frustration, control of other people, andthe like).
To identify the ‘C’s (the physical, emotional and behavioural consequences they experience) suggest to
the client that they look for:
Body signals of tension and arousal: anxiety, muscular tension, stomach-ache, sweating or cold, changes
in the depth and speed of breathing, headache, backache, and so on.
Behaviours like blaming, sarcasm, forced humour, depression, withdrawing, acting over-nice and tryingto
please, going quiet, passive-aggressiveness, violence, change in eatingor sleeping patterns, etc.
Finally, introduce the client to the most important causal factor: the 1‘B’s (Beliefs) - the thoughts and atti-
tudes tha t are activated by the ‘A’s. Help the client see that ‘A’ does not cause ‘C’. Events and circum-
stances activate thinking, both conscious and subconscious, the thinking then creates the individual’s emo-
tional and behavioural reaction.
Introduce the client to new views on anger
Help the client see that there is a difference between what one feels (the emotion of anger) and what one does
(the aggressive verbal and physical actions directed at people or property); and that we can feel angry with-
out needing to act on it.
Explain that anger in itself is not ‘evil’, and that itcan be destructive or constructive. Deal with any sec-
ondary disturbance about having an anger problem, especially guilt. This will be important for some clients,
because guilt only perpetuates anger. If clients engage in guilty self-downing – ‘I am a rotten, useless
bitch/bastard’ – effectively they are convincing themselves that they can’t change.
Explain the causes of anger – cognitive, physiological and behavioural – especially the significance of
low frustration tolerance and the role of demandingness.
The purpose here is to help the client see anger in practical terms – that is, in terms of its consequences –
rather than view it as a ‘moral’ issue; and accept their self, while rejecting their behaviour. It is often useful
to help the client see anger as having three different forms (Froggatt, 2003a):
1. Passive anger is hostility that is expressed indirectly, often by omission rather than commission. Typi-
cal behaviours may include going silent, withdrawing, impatience, being late, ‘forgetting’ to do things,
or denying sex or physical affection. It can lead tophysical illness, relationship difficulties, and failure
to seek change.
2. Aggressive hostility can create the above problems, but may also lead to violence and risk taking (as, for
example, when a person is enraged while driving).
3. Constructive anger is very different to the other types. It involves moderate emotions like irritation, an-
noyance, dissatisfaction, displeasure and disappointment. These are still angry feelings - but will not
cause people to lose their heads. Most importantly, constructive anger is directed against unwanted
events and circumstances - not against people. It leads to problem-solving rather than people-harming.
Teach cognitive coping skills
Now it is time to help the client learn how to identify and change the self-defeating beliefs that create and
maintain their anger.
Teachtheprocedureofself-analysis
Ask the client to extend the ‘A-B-C’ diary they kept earlier to include ‘D’ – disputing self-defeating beliefs,
‘E’ – developing a new emotional and behavioural goal, and ‘F’ – self-help work that they will complete be-
tween sessions. (The self-analysis procedure is described in detail in Froggatt, 1997 & 2003a, and there is an
example of a completed analysis at the end of this article).
The daily thought record is an alternative to the rational self-analysis format that achieves a similar pur-
pose in a more succinct format, and is often useful when the client needs to identify and change irrational
thinking on a regular basis:
Page 6 of 12
A
Activating
event
B
Beliefs / thoughts
C
Conse-
quence
D
Disputation / rational response E
New
Effect
F
Further
action
Children
playing
noisily,
couldn’t
hearTV
Ican’tstandtheir
noise.
Theyshouldn’tbeso
noisywhenI’mtry-
ingtorelax.
Ihavetomakethem
behave.
Gottense.
Feltangry
8/10.
Shoutedat
them and
abusedthem.
Idon’tliketheirnoise, butIcan
standit(afterall, I’m stillalive!).
I’dpreferthem nottobesonoisy,
butthat’showkidsare–and
there’sno‘LawoftheUniverse’
saystheyshouldbedifferent.
Idon’t‘have’tomakethemchange
–Ihaveachoice.
Felt
annoyed
butcalm-
er
Practice
relaxation.
Apologiseto
kids.
Partner
arguing
aboutmon-
ey.
Sheshouldn’ttellme
whattodo.
She’sademanding
bitch.
Mad7/10.
Stormedoff
incar.
Whyshouldn’tshehaveanopinion
onhowthemoneyisspent.She’s
notdemanding–she’sjustworried
abouthowwearegoingtomake
endsmeet.
Felt
concerned.
Readrational
card.
Makeatime
totalkabout
theissue.
Whichever approach is used, introduce the procedure by completingexamples in the office, perhaps using a
whiteboard so the client can copy them to take home. Self-analysis with anger problems will usually involve:
Challenging demands directed at other people or the world, especially the idea that other people or the
world ‘must’ conform to one’s expectations; or the ‘need’ to punish others or control their behaviour;
Developing the concept of accepting people, even when their behaviour is rejected.
Increasing frustration-tolerance by challenging catastrophising. One way to do this is with the ‘Catastro-
phe Scale’ (described shortly).
Theskillofdisputation
At the end of this article there is a list of beliefs typically involved with angry reactions, along with rational
alternatives. Disputation of self-defeating beliefs takes some skill - most clients (and therapists) need to learn
how to do it effectively. Because of its self-righteous nature, clients with problematical anger usually need
special help to see how their demands are illogical and self-defeating. Research (Kopec, Beal & DiGiuseppe,
1994) suggests that effective disputation involves the use of three key strategies:
1. Pragmatic disputation - ‘How does this belief affect you?’ This dispute focuses on how functional or
helpful it is to hold a particular belief. When the client can clearly see that an irrational belief leads to
negative emotional and behavioural consequences for them, they will be much more likely to change it.
2. Empirical disputation - ‘What is the evidence for and against this belief?’ The goal of empirical dispu-
tation is to help the client see that their belief is inconsistent with reality, and that there is little or no
empirical evidence to support it. This involves asking them to examine any evidence that may support
or contradict their irrational beliefs.
3. Logical disputation - ‘How does it follow?’ Here you help the client examine whether their belief logi-
cally follows from the facts, asking questions like: ‘How does it follow that because you would like you
children to keep quiet that therefore they absolutely must?’ or ‘How does this thing that is uncomforta-
ble become something you can’t stand?’
O thercognitivestrategies
Assist the client to increase their motivation to change by listing and weighting the advantages and dis-
advantages of their anger. One way to do this is with the ‘Benefits Calculation’ (described below).
Give the client reading (if they have adequate reading skills) to educate them about self-defeating think-
ing and how it can be changed.
Help the client develop empathic abilities, usingtechniques like role-reversal.
Help the client develop a task-orientated attitude to dealing with problems – that is, changing circum-
stances (where possible) rather than upsetting themselves.
Preparinga‘BenefitsCalculation’
1. Ask the client to list all the advantages and disadvantages of continuing to behave in the old angry way;
2. Have them do the same with the new replacement behaviour;
3. Then ask the client to decide how much value or benefit each item has to them, negatively or positively,
then add up the pro’s and con’s. A common format is to draw four boxes (alternatively, you can use
four separate sheets of paper):
7
Page 7 of 12
Keepgettingenragedwithother
peoplewhentheydothingsIdislike.
Learntokeepmy
angerundercontrol.
Advantages
Ifeelsuperior
Theyusuallygoquiet
Theyaremorecarefularoundme.
4
5
4
Peoplewilllikememore
Therewillbelessshoutinginthehouse.
Iwon’tenduponmorecharges
7
7
5
+ 13 + 19
Disadvantages
Peopledislikeme.
Afterwards, Idon’tlikemyself.
Theyareonlycarefulforwhile,
thentheygobacktotheiroldways.
7
8
6
Itwillbehardtocontrolmyurgetoshout
Itwilltakemoretimetosortthingsout.
IwillmissthehighIget.
5
4
3
- 21 - 12
Overall total: - 8 Overall total: + 7
Note that advantages to the first option will often represent disadvantages to the second option, and vice-
versa (this may seem like doubling up, but it actually aids clarification).
U singthe‘C atastropheScale’
1. On a sheet of paper draw a line down the left side. Put 100% at the top, 0% at the bottom, and 10% in-
tervals in between. Have the client insert the event to which they are reacting at the applicable level.
2. At each level, write in something the client thinks could legitimately be rated at that level. You might,
for example, put 0% - ‘Having a quiet cup of coffee at home’, 20% - ‘Losing my purse’, 40% - being
burgled, 80% - being diagnosed with cancer, 100% -being burned alive, and so on. The client will pro-
gressively alter the position of their ‘activating event’ on the scale, in relation to the other items, until
they sense it is in perspective. Here is an example:
CATASTROPHE SCALE Event: Boyfriendleftme
100 Burningalive original placing
90
Becomingaparaplegic
2
nd
placing
80
Beingdiagnosedwithcancer
3
rd
placing
70
Havingmycarstolen
60
Losingmyjob
50
Beingkickedoutofmyflat
40
Houseburgled
30
Boyfriendleavingme
final placing
20
Losingmypurse
10
Catchingacold
5
MissingmyfavouriteTVprogramme
0
Havingacoffeeathome
The client can keep the chart and add to it fromtime to time. Whenever they are upset about something,
they can ascertain what ‘badness-rating’ they are giving it and pencil it on their chart, then see how it com-
pares to the items already there. Usually, they will realise they have been exaggerating the badness involved,
and move the item down the list until it is in perspective.
Teach physiological coping skills
Physiological treatment aims to reduce tension and ill-humour by working on the symptoms themselves. The
client learns how to modify their ‘C’s – in other words, to reduce the physical sensations that further fuel
their anger. This helps them avoid exacerbating annoyance or irritation into hostility or rage. Strategies that
are commonly used include:
Page 8 of 12
Relaxation training and stress management (see Froggatt, 1997).
Anxiety management (see Froggatt 2003b).
Encouraging the client to maintain a sense of humour – avoid taking oneself or the situation too seriously.
Moderation of alcohol use (and no alcohol at all when angry or upset). Some clients will also benefit
from reducing their caffeine intake, if theyhave more than five cups a day.
Physiological strategies are ‘palliative’ – that is, they ease the symptoms without addressingthe causes –
but are a useful adjunct to the therapist’s armoury.
Teach additional skills as needed
Some clients will need additional skills training in how to use anger adaptively rather than destructively. The
idea is for the client to learn how to minimise the dysfunctional aspects of their anger, and instead engage in
problem-solving behaviour.
Timeout
‘Time-out’ is useful in the early stages of therapy, before the client has learned to deal with the underlying
cause of their anger. The client prepares the scene by explaining to their partner what they will do and ar-
ranges their co-operation. When the client identifies the early stages of anger, they follow these steps:
1. Share with their partner that they are feeling angry, and say they are going to take time-out.
2. Leave the situation for about one hour. Avoid drinking or driving while angry, instead, do something
physical (brisk walk, run, gardening, etc.), and/or do a self-analysis to deal with self-defeating thinking.
3. When the hour is up, return and check in with their partner and offer to talk about what happened.
Com m unicationandassertivenesstraining
The aim is for the client to change things they dislike without using anger. It involves (1) effective commu-
nication of feelings; and (2) asking for what they want and saying ‘no’ to what they don’t want. Suggestions
for assertiveness are detailed in Froggatt, 1997 & 2003a.
Problem-solvingtraining
Train the client how to use task-oriented, problem-solving strategies. They will then be able to deal with
problems straight away rather than bottling up theirfeelings. A problem-solving model is describedin detail
in Froggatt, 1997 & 2003a.
H ow toteachskills
The best way to help the client gain coping skills is by: (1) explaining a technique; (2) modelling it; then (3)
having the client rehearse the techniques with you before using them in the real world.
Facilitate skills practice through graduated exposure
The final step is to help the client apply what they have learned. What follows is a process for helping clients
do this in a graduated fashion. As mentioned earlier, therapy does not often proceed in a linear sequence -
some stages may be mixed together or approached in a different order to that described. Techniques outlined
in this section may be used to facilitate specific learning from earlier stages.
Step1: Developahierarchy
Start by having the client list anger situations they are likely to meet in real life (usually this would have
been done earlier via their ‘A-C’ diary). Have the client rate the level of anger they would associate with
each situation, then order the list into a ‘hierarchy’ according to the anger rating for each item. Hereis an
example of such a hierarchy:
Anger level: Exposure Task:
4 Talk to the guy at work who supports that new Christian political party.
5 Go into the lounge when I know all the kids’ toys will be everywhere on the floor.
6 Watch TV news.
7 Ask Diane’s opinion on the Christian party.
8 Go shopping with Dianne.
9 Video my favourite programme, then watchit while the kids are playing.
10 Talk with Dianne about our finances.
9
Page 9 of 12
Step2: Exposureviaim agery
Progressively using each hierarchy scene, expose theclientto manageable doses of anger stimuli, via the use
of imagery and role-playing. Use cognitive procedures such as Rational-Emotive Imagery (Maultsby & Ellis,
1974; Froggatt, 1997) and Rational Self-Analysis (Froggatt, 1997 & 2003a) to assist the client to identify and
dispute the thoughts that create the anger they feel while carrying out the imagery exercise.
Step3: Exposureinreal-lifesituations
When the client is ready, move them on to ‘in-vivo’ (real life) exposure using response-prevention:
The client deliberately (in a planned way) confronts the listed situations that would normally trigger anger.
While engaging in the exposure, they inhibit their usual response (eg. argumentativeness, defensiveness,
demanding of others, etc.) and instead use the new strategies they have learned.
The purpose is to give the client practice at increasing their frustration-tolerance and coping in a non-
hostile way with a variety of situations, where the practice is under their control (see Froggatt 2002 for more
information on the technique of controlled exposure).
The end of therapy
Therapy usually comes to an end when client and therapist are satisfied that the targeted gains have been
achieved to a level where the client is likely to be able to maintain them in the longer term. Twothings are
important here:
1. Evaluate progress. Check whether improvements are due to significant changes in the client’s thinking,
or simply to a fortuitous improvement in their external circumstances.
2. Prepare the client for termination. Prepare the client to cope with setbacks and ensure they know what
to do when their angry reactions return, as theymost likely will. Stress that from here on it is a matter of
‘management, not cure’. Discuss their views on asking for help if needed in the future, so that you can
deal with any blocks to returning for the occasional (usually brief) refresher.
Page 10 of 12
Appendix I: Summary of the helping process
1. Carry out assessment
−Client’s motivation for change
−Historical / Current causal factors
−Activating events & consequences
(A-C diary)
−Beliefs (A-B-C diary)
2. Introduce new ways of viewing anger
−Difference between feeling and behaving
−View anger in terms of its consequences
rather than moralising about it
3. Teach cognitive coping skills
−Thought recording / Self-analysis
−Disputation
−Benefits calculation / Catastrophe scale
4. Teach physiological coping skills
−Relaxation / Stress management
−Anxiety management
−Moderation of alcohol use
5. Teach additional skills as needed
−Time out / Problem-solving
−Communication / Assertiveness
6. Skills practice via graduated exposure
−Develop hierarchy
−Begin with imagery exposure
−When ready, extend to in-vivo exposure
7. Prepare client for the end of therapy
−Evaluate progress
−Develop plan to manage relapse.
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Appendix II: A sample of anger-creating irrational beliefs
H ostility-CausingBeliefs RationalAlternatives
Others must never do anything to de-
value me. The actions of others can’t ‘devalue’ me. I don’t magically
change because of what others sayor do
I should be able to have the things I
want, and live my life as I choose. It’s OK to want things my way (and to try and achieve it), but
there is no law of the universe that says I should or must get
what I want how I want it.
I can’t stand it when people get in my
way. It’s disappointing when people get in my way, but I can stand it -
especially if I avoid demanding and catastrophising.
Other people should never behave in
ways that frustrate or deprive me, or
upset the stability of my existence.
I’d prefer it if people didn’t do things I dislike. But, in real life,
they sometimes do! Anyway, it’s not theiractions that frustrate
me - it’s my own demanding thoughts.
If the world were a better place I
wouldn’t need to get upset. Unfortunately, the world is not a better place. But I can avoid
getting upset about this fact by changing the way I view it.
If I didn’t get mad then things would
never change. Getting mad disables me. I’m more likely to change things by
keeping my head and being assertive rather than aggressive.
People should always behave in a cor-
rect and right fashion. In real life, people don’t always behave correctly. No amount of
demanding is going to make this reality go away. Anyway, who
decides what’s right?
People who behave badly are bad peo-
ple - and they deserve blame and pun-
ishment.
People are not what they do. Behaving badly doesn’t make
someone a bad person – it just shows theyare a person who
sometimes behaves badly.
People only do things to frustrate me. Am I god, that I can see into the inner recesses of other’s minds
and discern their motivations?
I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t lose
my cool. Just because something is human doesn’t make it desirable. An-
yway, to be reasonable and understand someone else’s viewpoint
is also human.
Anger is evil and destructive. Anger is neither good nor bad -it’s just an emotion. I can choose
to express it constructively rather than destructively.
11
Page 11 of 12
Appendix III: Rational self-analysis - an example
What follows is an example of a completed rational self-analysis. Note that it is usually most effective to
proceed with an analysis in the following order: A, C,B, E, D, F:
AActivating event (what started things off):
Children playing noisily, could not hear television programme.
BBeliefs (what I told myself about the ‘A’):
Thoughts specific to the situation:
1. I can’t stand their noise.
2. They shouldn’t be so noisy when I am tryingto relax.
3. I have to make them behave.
Underlying core beliefs:
4. I can’t stand to feel frustrated.
5. Others should never do things that frustrate or upset me; when they do, Imust get them under
control.
CConsequence (how I felt and/or behaved):
Emotions: felt angry.
Behaviours: went into lounge, shouted at children and called them abusive names.
ENew Effect (how I would prefer to feel/behave):
I would prefer to feel annoyed rather than hostile; and calmly explain that I like to relax after work,
and ask them to play more quietly.
DDisputation and new beliefs (that will help me achieve the new Effect Iwant):
1. I don’t like their noise, but Ican stand it - it hasn’t killed me yet.
2. I would prefer them to play quietly when I am trying to relax, but what Law of the Universe
says that they ‘should’?
3. It would be helpful to train them to behave, but I don’tabsolutely‘have’to.
4. I dislike frustration, but I have always stood it!
5. I would prefer others to not do things I dislike, but where is it written that they ‘must’ not? And,
anyway, others don’t frustrate me - I frustrate myself with what I think about their behaviour.
FFurther action (what I will do to avoid the same dysfunctional thinking and reactions in future):
1. Re-read the article on managing anger my counsellor gave me.
2. Talk with my anger management group about better ways to communicate when people do
things I dislike.
3. Use ‘time-out’ for the next few months to practice increasing my tolerance for the kid’s noise.
4. Do a self-analysis when I take time-out, to chip away at my demanding rules.
Appendix IV: References and further reading
Blackburn, J. (2001).Anger, Chronic Pain and Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy.The Rational Emotive
Behaviour Therapist.9(1), 23-28.
Burns, D.M (1980). Feeling Good: The new mood therapy. New York: Signet, New American Library.
Clark, L. (2001).SOS Help for Emotions: Managing anxiety, anger and depression.Berkeley, CA:Parents
Press.
Dryden, W. (1996).Overcoming Anger.London: Sheldon Press.
Ellis, A. (1962). Reason and Emotion in Psychotherapy. New York: Carol Publishing Group.
Ellis, A. (1977). Anger - How to live with and without it. New York: Carol Publishing Group.
Froggatt, W. (2002). The Rational Treatment of Anxiety. Hastings: Rational Training Resources.
Page 12 of 12
Froggatt, W. (2003a). Choose to be Happy: Your step-by-step guide (2nd Edition). Auckland: HarperCollins.
Froggatt, W. (2003b). FearLess: Your guide to overcoming anxiety. Auckland: HarperCollins.
Froggatt, W. (2006). Taking Control: Manage stress to get the most out of life. Auckland: HarperCollins.
Gibbs, J.C., Potter, G.B. & Goldstein, A.P. (1995).The Equip Program: Teaching youth to think and act
responsibly through a peer-helping approach.Champaign, Illinois:Research Press.
Jone, J. & Trower, P. (2004).Irrational and Evaluative Beliefs in Individuals with Anger Problems.Journal
of Rational-Emotive & Cognitive-Behaviour Therapy.22:3, 153-170
Kopec, A.M., Beal, D. & DiGiuseppe, R. (1994). Training in RET: Disputational Strategies. Journal of
Rational-Emotive & Cognitive-Behavior Therapy, 12:1, 47-60.
Maultsby, M.C., & Ellis, A. (1974). Technique For Using Rational-Emotive Imagery. New York: Institute
For Rational Living.
Novaco, R. (1975). Anger Control. Lexington, MS: Lexington Books.
Wilde, J. (1995).Anger Management in Education: Alternatives to student violence.Lancaster, Penn:
Technomic Publishing Co.
Wilde, J. (2001).Interventions for Children with Anger Problems.Journal of Rational-Emotive & Cognitive-
Behaviour Therapy.19(3), 191-197.
Appendix V: Useful resources on the internet
Introduction to Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy - http://www.rational.org.nz/prof/docs/intro-rebt.htm
Introduction to Cognitive Behaviour Therapy - http://www.rational.org.nz/prof/docs/intro-cbt.htm
Homework assignments in psychotherapy - http://www.cyberpsych.com/homework.html
New Zealand Centre for Cognitive Behaviour Therapy - http://www.rational.org.nz
Raymond Novaco’s web page -http://www.seweb.uci.edu/faculty/novaco/
Appendix VI: Client Handouts
The following pages contain some handouts which you can give to your clients to help increasetheir under-
standing of dysfunctional anger and how they can overcome it. As a practitioner, you may freely copy all
items and pass them on to others, as appropriate, for therapeutic, self-help or training purposes, as long as
they are printed in full (including any copyright notices). The handouts are formatted for double-sided print-
ing, but can be printed single-sided if necessary.
Copyright Notice: This document is copyright © to the author (2015). Single copies (which must include this notice) may
be made for therapeutic or training purposes. To use in any other way, please contact: Wayne Froggatt, PO Box 2292,
Stortford Lodge, New Zealand. E-mail: wayne@rational.org.nz . Comments are welcomed.
1
$*- "-,0.-+/ %-1!
'2 $&2,( #.-))&00
This version 29 October, 2006
Most people want to be happy. They would
like to feel good, avoid pain, and achieve their
goals. For many, though, happiness seems to be
an elusive dream. In fact, it appears that we
humans are much better at disturbing and
defeating ourselves! Instead of feeling good, we
are more likely to worry, feel guilty and get
depressed. We put ourselves down and feel shy,
hurt or self-pitying. We get jealous, angry, hostile
and bitter or suffer anxiety, tension and panic.
On top of feeling bad, we often act in self-
destructive ways. Some strive to be perfect in
everything they do. Many mess up relationships.
Others worry about disapproval and let people use
them as doormats. Still others compulsively
gamble, smoke and overspend -or abuse alcohol,
drugs and food. Some even try to end it all.
The strange thing is, most of this pain is
avoidable! We don’t have to do it to ourselves.
Humans can, believe it or not, learn how to
choose how they feel and behave.
As you think, so you feel
‘People feel disturbed not by things, but by the
views they take of them.’ Ancient words, from a
first-century philosopher named Epictetus - but
they are just as true now.
Events and circumstances do not cause your
reactions. They result from what you tell yourself
about the things that happen. Put simply, thoughts
cause feelings and behaviours. Or, more precisely,
events and circumstances serve to trigger
thoughts, which then create reactions. These three
processes are intertwined.
The past is significant. But only insofar as it
leaves you with your current attitudes and beliefs.
External events - whether in the past, present, or
future - cannot influence the way you feel or
behave until you become aware of and begin to
think about them.
To fear something (or react in any other way),
you have to be thinking about it. The cause is not
the event - it’s what you tell yourself about the
event.
The ABC’s of feeling & acting
Psychologist Albert Ellis, the originator of Rational
Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT),was one of
the first to show how beliefs determine the way
human beings feel and behave. Dr. Ellis developed
the ‘ABC’ model to demonstrate this.
‘A’ refers to whatever started things off: a
circumstance, event or experience - or just
thinking about something which has happened.
This triggers off thoughts (‘B’), which in turn
create a reaction - feelings and behaviours - (‘C’).
To see this in operation, let’s meet Alan. A
young man who had always tended to doubt
himself, Alan imagined that other people did not
like him, and that they were only friendly because
they pitied him. One day, a friend passed him in
the street without returning his greeting - to which
Alan reacted negatively. Here is the event, Alan’s
beliefs, and his reaction, put into the ABC format:
A. What started things off:
Friend passed me in the street without
speaking to me.
B. Beliefs about A.:
1. He’s ignoring me. He doesn’t like me.
2. I could end up without friends for ever.
3. That would be terrible.
4. For me to be happy and feel worthwhile,
people must like me.
5. I’m unacceptable as a friend - so I must
be worthless as a person.
C. Reaction:
Feelings: worthless, depressed.
Behaviours: avoiding people generally.
Now, someone who thought differently about the
same event would react in another way:
A. What started things off:
Friend passed me in the street without
speaking to me.
B. Beliefs about A.:
1. He didn’t ignore me deliberately. He may
not have seen me.
2. He might have something on his mind.
3. I’d like to help if I can.
2
C. Reaction:
Feelings: Concerned.
Behaviours: Went to visit friend to see how he is.
These examples show how different ways of
viewing the same event can lead to different
reactions. The same principle operates in reverse:
when people react alike, it is because they are
thinking in similar ways.
The rules we live by
What we tell ourselves in specific situations
depends on the rules we hold. Everyone has a set
of general ‘rules’. Some will be rational, others
will be self-defeating or irrational. Each person’s
set is different.
Mostly subconscious, these rules determine
how we react to life. When an event triggers off a
train of thought, what we consciously think
depends on the general rules we subconsciously
apply to the event.
Let us say that you hold the general rule: ‘To
be worthwhile, I must succeed at everything I do.’
You happen to fail an examination; an event
which, coupled with the underlying rule, leads
you to the conclusion: ‘I’m not worthwhile.’
Underlying rulesare generalisations: one rule can
apply to many situations. If you believe, for
example: ‘I can’t stand discomfort and pain and must
avoid them at all costs,’ you might applythis to the
dentist, to work, to relationships, and to life in
general.
Why be concerned about your rules? While
most will be valid and helpful, some will be self-
defeating. Faultyrules will lead to faulty
conclusions. Take the rule: ‘If I am to feel OK
about myself, others must like and approve of me.’
Let us say that your boss tells you off. You may
(rightly) think: ‘He is angry with me’ - but you may
wrongly conclude: ‘This proves I’m a failure.’ And
changing the situation (for instance, getting your
boss to like you) would still leave the underlying
rule untouched. It would then be there to bother
you whenever some future event triggered it off.
Most self-defeating rules are a variation of one
or other of the ‘12 Self-defeating Beliefs’ listed at
the end of this article. Take a look at this list now.
Which ones do you identify with? Which are the
ones that guide your reactions?
What are self-defeating beliefs?
To describe a belief as self-defeating, or
irrational, is to say that:
1. It distorts reality (it’s a misinterpretation of
what’s happening); or it involves some
illogical ways of evaluating yourself, others,
and the world around you: awfulising, can’t-
stand-it-itis, demanding and people-rating;
2. It blocks you from achieving your goals;
3. It creates extreme emotions which persist, and
which distress and immobilise; and
4. It leads to behaviours that harm yourself,
others, and your life in general.
Four ways to screw yourself up
There are four typical ways of thinking that will
make you feel bad or behave in dysfunctional ways:
1. Awfulising: using words like ‘awful’,
‘terrible’, ‘horrible’, ‘catastrophic’ to describe
something - e.g. ‘It would be terrible if …’,
‘It’s the worst thing that could happen’, ‘That
would be the end of the world’.
2. Cant-stand-it-itis: viewing an event or
experience as unbearable - e.g. ‘I can’t stand
it’, ‘It’s absolutely unbearable’, I’ll die if I get
rejected’.
3. Demanding: using ‘shoulds’ (moralising) or
‘musts’ (musturbating) - e.g. ‘I should not
have done that, ‘I must not fail’, ‘I need to be
loved’, ‘I have to have a drink’.
4. People-rating: labelling or rating your total
self (or someone else’s) - e.g. ‘I’m stupid
/hopeless /useless /worthless.’
Rational thinking
Rational thinking presents a vivid contrast to its
illogical opposite:
1. It is based on reality - it emphasises seeing
things as they really are, keeping their
badness in perspective, tolerating frustration
and discomfort, preferring rather than
demanding, and self-acceptance;
2. It helps you achieve your goals and purposes;
3. It creates emotions you can handle; and
4. It helps you behave in ways which promote
your aims and survival.
We are not talking about so-called ‘positive
thinking’. Rational thinking is realistic thinking.
It is concerned with facts - the real world - rather
than subjective opinion or wishful thinking.
Realistic thinking leads to realistic emotions.
Negative feelings aren’t always bad for you.
Neither are all positive feelings beneficial.
Feeling happy when someone you love has died,
for example, may hinder you from grieving
properly. Or to be unconcerned in the face of real
danger could put your survival at risk. Realistic
thinking avoids exaggeration of both kinds -
negative and positive.
3
The techniques of change
How does one actually set about achieving self-
control and choice? The best place to start is by
learning how to identify the thoughts and beliefs
which cause your problems.
Next, learn how to apply this knowledge by
analysing specific episodes where you feel and
behave in the ways you would like to change. It is
most effective to do this in writing at first, and later
it will become easier to do it in your head. You
connect whatever started things off, your reaction,
and the thoughts which came in between. You then
check out those thoughts and change the self-
defeating ones. This method, called Rational Self-
Analysis, uses the ABC approach described earlier,
extended to include sections for setting a goal or
new desired effect (‘E’), disputing and changing
beliefs (‘D’), and, finally, further action to put
those changes into practice (‘F’).
That final step is important. You will get there
faster when you put into action what you have
changed in your mind. Let us say you decide to
stop feeling guilty when you do something for
yourself. The next step is to do it. Spend an hour a
day reading a novel. Purchase some new clothes.
Have coffee with a friend or a weekend away
without the family. Do the things you would
previously have regarded as ‘undeserved’.
Overcoming obstacles
While change is possible, it is not easy - mainly
because of a very human tendency known as
‘low-discomfort tolerance’.
Most of us want to be physically and
emotionally comfortable. But personal change
means giving up some old habits of thinking and
behaving and ‘safe’ ways of approaching life.
Whereas before you may have blamed others
for your problems, now you start to take
responsibility for yourself and what you want.
You risk new ways of thinking and acting. You
step out into the unknown. This could increase
your stress and emotional pain - temporarily. In
other words, you may well feel worse before you
feel better.
Telling yourself that you ‘can’t stand it’ could
lead you to avoid change. You might decide to
stick with the way things are, unpleasant though it
is. You know you would be better off in the long
run, but you choose to avoid the extra pain now.
Or you might look for a quick solution. Do you
hope that somewhere there’s a fancy therapy
which will cure you straight away - without you
having to do anything? I meet many people who
try therapist after therapist, but never stay with
one approach long enough to learn anything that
will help. They still live in hope, though, and
often get a brief boost from meeting new
therapists or therapy groups.
As well as fearing discomfort, you may also
worry that you ‘won’t be a real person’. You
think that you will end up ‘pretending’ to feel and
behave in new ways, and imagine yourself as
false or phoney. Somehow, it seems, to choose
how you feel seems ‘less than human’.
You are, though, already choosing your
reactions - even though you may not be fully
aware of doing so. And using conscious choice is
what sets humans apart from instinct-bound
animals. It is also what makes you a unique
person - different to every other. So give up the
notion that it is false and machine-like to use your
brain to avoid bad feelings. Getting depressed,
worried, and desperate does not make you more
human.
You might worry that learning self-control will
make you cold and unemotional, with no feelings
at all. This common fear is quite misguided. The
opposite is true: if you learn how to handle strong
feelings you will be less afraid of them. This will
free you to experience a fuller range of emotions
than before.
While self-improvement may be hard, it is
achievable. The blocks I have described are all
self-created. They’re nothing more than beliefs -
ideas you can change using practical techniques
you can learn.
Rational thinking is not just academic theory.
People from a wide range of social and
educational backgrounds have already used it
successfully. You will be able to as well.
It is true that human beings start life with a
biological predisposition to irrational thinking,
which they then add to by learning new and
harmful ways of behaving and viewing life. But
there is a positive side to human nature - we also
have the ability to think about our beliefs and
change the dysfunctional ones.
What about problems you can’t sort out on
your own? Some outside help may be a useful
supplement to your self-help efforts. Whether or
not you have such help, though, taking
responsibility for your feelings and actions will be
the key to success. You will also need some hard
work and perseverance. But, happily, by learning
how to identify and change self-defeating beliefs
and attitudes, these things can be within your
control - and happiness within your reach.
4
FROM SELF-DEFEAT TO RATIONAL LIVING
12 Self-defeating Beliefs 12 Rational Beliefs
1. I need love and approval from those
significant to me - and I must avoid
disapproval from any source.
Love and approval are good things to have, and I'll seek them
when I can. But they are not necessities - I can survive (even
though uncomfortably) without them.
2. To be worthwhile as a person I must
achieve, succeed at what ever I do, and
make no mistakes.
I'll always seek to achieve as much as Ican - but unfailing
success and competence is unrealistic. Better I just accept
myself as a person, separate to my performance.
3. People should always do the right thing.
When they behave obnoxiously, unfairly or
selfishly, they must be blamed and punished.
It's unfortunate that people sometimes do bad things. But
humans are not yet perfect - and upsetting myself won't
change that reality.
4. Things must be the way I wantthem to be -
otherwise life will be intolerable. There is no law saying things have to be as I want. It's disappoin-
ting, but I can stand it - especially if I avoid catastrophising.
5. My unhappiness is caused by things outside
my control - so there is little I can do to feel
any better.
Many external factors are outside my control. But it is my
thoughts (not the externals) which cause my feelings. And I
can learn to control mythoughts.
6. I must worry about things that could be
dangerous, unpleasant or frightening -
otherwise they might happen.
Worrying about things thatmight go wrong won't stop them
happening. It will, though, ensure I get upset and disturbed
right now!
7. I can be happier by avoiding life's
difficulties, unpleasantness, and responsi-
bilities.
Avoiding problems is only easier in the short term - putting
things off can make them worse later on. It also gives me
more time to worry about them!
8. Everyone needs to depend on someone
stronger than themselves. Relying on someone else leads to dependent behaviour. It is OK
to seek help - aslong as I trust myself and myown judgement.
9. Events in my past are the cause of my
problems - and they continue to influence
my feelings and behaviours now.
The past can't influence me now. My current beliefs cause my
reactions. I mayhave learned these beliefs in the past, but I
can choose to analyse and change themin the present.
10. I should become upset when other people have
problems and feelunhappy when they're sad. I can't change other people's problems and bad feelings by
getting myself upset.
11. I should not have to feel discomfort and
pain - I can't stand them and must avoid
them at all costs.
Why should I in particular not feel discomfort and pain? I
don't like them, butI can stand it. Also, my life would be very
restricted if I always avoided discomfort.
12. Every problem should have an ideal
solution, and it is intolerablewhen one can't
be found.
Problems usually have many possible solutions. It is better to
stop waiting for the perfect one and geton with the best
available. I can live with less than the ideal.
")*-+(&', #),($%! /78@ 3=2B;4<A 8@ 2=>D?867A E A= A74 0BA7=? !'++)$(&&*"% .8<694 2=>84@ !C7827 ;B@A 8<29B34 A78@ <=A824" ;0D 14
;034 5=? A74?0>4BA82 =? A?08<8<6 >B?>=@4@% /= B@4 8< 0<D =A74? C0D# >940@4 2=<A02A, 8;JC= 1ED??;GG! 65 /DI &&,&! 7GDEG>DE< 3D<?=!
2;FG@C?F! 4=H 9=;A;C<# 1;I )(")"+*+"%'%$# 0"B;@A- H;JC=.E;G@DC;A#DE?#CK # -=;;4<A@ 0?4 C492=;43%
Did you find this article helpful? You may wish to read the book from which it was adapted:
Choose To Be Happy: Your step-by-step guide
by
Wayne Froggatt
(HarperCollins, Auckland, 2nd Edition 2003)
Also, by the same author, specialist books on stress and anxiety:
FearLess: Your guide to overcoming anxiety
Taking Control: Manage Stress to get the most out of life
(HarperCollins, Auckland 2003 & 2006)
For more extracts from all books, and information on how to obtain them, look on the internet at:
www.rational.org.nz
Page 1 of 8
#-*)/!
&+.30 ,- (+'/*)"
$2 &'2-) %/.**'11
(This version 25-0ct-06)
Anger is a troublesome emotion for many people.
Some bottle it up and feel bad inside. Others let it
out in ways that are destructive to themselves and
those around them.
We also complicate anger by turning it into a
moral issue. Like many, I grew up with the idea
that because anger was evil you should never even
feel it, let alone express it. Then I began meeting
people pushing an opposite extreme. It is good to
feel angry, they claimed, and you shouldalways
let it out.
These opposing points of view cannot both be
correct. How can we decide what is right for us?
We could start by noting that it is often harmful
to bottle up anger. Annette will vouch for this. She
would feel angry inside, but if she expressed it,
guilt would follow. As a result, she learned to hold
her feelings in. But that created other problems.
Because she didn’t want anyone to see her as hos-
tile, Annette behaved unassertively. Although she
had a full-time job, her husband and two teenage
children came and went as theypleased, leaving
her to cook and clean up after them. She wouldn’t
say anything for fear of losing her cool. Some-
times, unknowingly, she got back at the others by
‘forgetting’ to wash their clothes, burning meals or
losing their things — but again she would feel
guilty. Her repressed emotions were so powerful
she began to suffer stomach pains.
Does Annette’s experience show that it is al-
ways better to let your anger out? Unfortunately,
no. This can have its problems, too — as Dean
found. ‘I’ve had a temper since Iwas a little kid,’
explained the heavily built mechanic. ‘Myfather
used to beat hell out of me whenever I lost my
cool, but it’s made no difference. Iguess I’m just
a guy with a strong idea of what’s right and
what’s wrong. I’m okay when everyone’s acting
like they should, but if someone crosses me,
watch out!’
People did watch out for Dean. His workmates
were careful around him. People would often avoid
him entirely. His wife had moved out, taking their
young son. When Dean came afterthem and at-
tacked her, she obtained a court order to keep him
away. Dean also ended up with a convictionfor
assault, a suspended sentence and a suggestion
from the judge that he had better get help from the
local Men Against Violence organisation.
Expressing anger, contrary to popular belief,
tends to reinforce it: the angry person just gets
angrier and behaves in even more hostile ways.
By now you may be asking, ‘If it doesn’t help to
express anger, or to bottle it up, then what on earth
can peopledo?’ There is a third alternative. Elimi-
nate the excessive anger itself — by modifying the
cause. This suggestion may surprise you. Perhaps it
sounds like another way of telling you to hold your
anger in. After all, doesn’t everyone know that
once you are steamed up you have to let it out, oth-
erwise it just gets suppressed? Not necessarily.
Emotions don’t have a life of their own. You create
an emotion through what you tell yourself, and the
thoughts which start it keep it alive. If you change
the thoughts, the feeling changes.
Identifying anger
Shortly we will see how you can modify anger-
producing thoughts. First, let us clarify what we
are talking about. Anger iswhat you feel when
one of your expectations isn’t met — that is, when
you don’t get something you want, or someone
breaks a rule you regard as important. You can
feel angry not just about things that are happening
in the present, but also about events inthe distant
past or even events you anticipate will take place
in the future.
Anger comes in three different forms: passive,
aggressive and constructive. The first two, exam-
ples of which we have already seen, are based on
hostility. Annette felt hostile toward her family,
but passively kept it inside. Dean also felt hostile,
but aggressively expressed it outwards. Both types
of hostile anger are problematical.
Passive hostility can lead to physical illness —
disturbed sleep, tiredness, hypertension, heart
problems, ulcers and other health problems. It can
make you unhappy. Getting preoccupied with past
hurts or future revenge will stop you enjoying life
Page 2 of 8
in the present. If you turn your anger against
yourself, the resulting guilt and self-downing can
develop into depression. It can also stop you
working on the problem. Fixating on the ‘wrong-
ness’ of what has happened and the evil of the
offender may get in the way of making changes.
Aggressive hostility, too, can create most of
these problems,and a few more. It may lead to in-
convenience. If you get mad because you cannot
find something, this makes it hard to think out
calmly where you left it. Damaging something be-
cause you cannot get it to work could be expensive.
Then there is the chance of physical danger.
Distorted judgement can make you take risks you
would normally avoid — for example, becoming
aggressive with people larger than yourself or get-
ting steamed up behind the wheel of a car. Hostili-
ty can get out of control and lead to violence
against someone you are close to, or evenpeople
you don’t know. If there is a weapon to hand, rage
could lead to results you cannot undo.
Relationships get damaged, too. Overreacting,
saying things you don’t mean, raving on, demand-
ing and getting violent can put a real strain on your
4relations with other people. Domestic violence is,
unfortunately, quite common. About 30 per cent of
all assault cases dealt withby the New Zealand
justice system arise out of domestic disputes.
You may lose control to others. If other people
realise you cannot control your emotions, they can
use this to manipulate you. Children, in particular,
are adept at pressing the right buttons to get a re-
action — it gives them a feeling of power over
their parents. Others may retaliate. The people on
the receiving end of your tantrums can get back at
you physically, withdraw or not cooperate, dis-
miss you from employment, or react in other ways
you hadn’t bargained for.
At this point we are concerned only with prob-
lem anger, but soon we will lookat a more helpful
type. Constructive anger is a very different story:
it avoids the disadvantages outlined above, and it
is not directed against people — rather, it is con-
cerned with solving problems.
Recognising your anger
and its triggers
Start by identifying the situations which trigger
your anger (the As), and the internal signs and
outward behaviours (Cs) that are clues you are
getting uptight:
Identify the triggers. Note the people, situa-
tions or personal states which tend to trigger your
angry episodes. Do they usually involve children,
other family members, friends or workmates? Do
they occur most often when you are driving, sort-
ing out your finances, when someone disagrees
with you, or when yo7u think people are rejecting
you? Are you more prone when you are tired,
have been drinking, are tense or have something
on your mind?
Note the physical cues. Watch for the physical
signs which suggest you are losing your cool:
tightness round the chest, general muscular ten-
sion, a burning sensation in the stomach, change
in your breathing, shaking, your head feeling as
though it is expanding.
Observe your behaviour. Note how you be-
have when you are getting uptight. Passive hostili-
ty shows in sarcasm, ridiculing, going silent,
withdrawing, impatience, being late, ‘forgetting’
to do things or denying sex and other forms of
physical affection. Aggressive hostility can be
expressed through verbal attacks (yelling, scream-
ing, raving on, abusing, ridiculing and threaten-
ing) and physical violence (hitting people or
things, breaking objects, driving dangerously and
so on). Be aware when you stop thinking straight,
overreact, get impatient, take risks you would
normally avoid, become aggressive orviolent,
rave on, demand, hold resentments, seekrevenge
or act in any of the other ways described above.
To help learn how to recognise your anger at
an early stage, keep a two-column diary for a
while. In the first column, record the events you
react to (e.g. ‘Son got home two hourslater than
we’d agreed on’). In the other column, write down
your reactions — emotions, physical sensations
and behaviours (e.g. ‘mad’, ‘tense’, ‘headache
coming on’, ‘yelled at him’). Keepingthe diary
will help you become aware both ofrecurring sit-
uations or events you tend to react to and the in-
ternal signs of anger.
Uncovering the beliefs that
cause hostility
What makes humans get angry? ‘That’s obvious,’
Dean said. ‘Other people! They get to me, and I
lose my cool. If they didn’t act like they do and
make life hard for me, I wouldn’t needto get up-
tight. I’m only angry because I’m frustrated. It’s
as simple as that.’
Dean made it sound as though there was a but-
ton on his nose that people pressed and off he
went. After all, how else could an external event
cause an internal reaction? He also missed an ob-
vious point. How is it that some peoplecan lose
their cool in response to a circumstance which has
no effect on others? People usually do feel frus-
trated when they don’t get what they want, but not
everyone who feels frustrated also becomes hos-
tile. Some engage in self-pity, others put them-
selves down. Still others react with disappoint-
ment (a more rational response). Some even see it
as a challenge.
Page 3 of 8
Frustration by itself doesn’t cause anger, but
the way you view frustration does. Extreme anger
results when things don’t happen as you want and
you believe (a) that because you want things to be
a certain way, they must and should be that way;
(b) that it’s awful and you can’t stand it when
they are not; and, therefore, (c) that you must find
someone to blame and punish. In other words,
people get hostile not because theyhave been
frustrated, rather because they believe that they
should not be frustrated. They impose fixed, abso-
lute and indisputable rules on the world and the
people in it, and see it as catastrophic and unbear-
able for these rules to be broken. They also be-
lieve that rule-breakers are not just people who do
bad things, but are themselves bad people who
need punishing and putting right.
Why would anyone hold such unrealistic be-
liefs? They arise mainly from the two types of fear
we reviewed in Chapter 10.1The first is fear of dis-
comfort. This stems from the notion that you can
only be happy when your world is secure, safe and
predictable. Thesecond is fear of self-devaluation.
This results, partly, frombelieving that you can
only feel good about yourself if other people rec-
ognise, accept and like you.
Beliefs like these will make you overreact
when you think others are breaking the rules.
Why? Because you perceive their behaviour as a
threat to either your sense of security, your self-
image, or both.
You feel your comfort is threatened
Hostile anger is, foremost, the result of a frustrat-
ed demand. One of your ‘rules for living’ has
been broken. Something is happening other than
how you think it should or must happen. Demands
like the following will be involved in anger that
arises from discomfort anxiety:
"‘I should be able to have the things I want,
and act and live my life as I want to.’
"‘Other people should not do anything to frus-
trate me or deprive me of the things I want or
believe that I need.’
"‘They must not disrupt the orderliness andse-
curity of my life.’
"‘When other people behave badly, I must get
angry and let them know how I feel — other-
wise they’ll keep doing it and things will get
worse.’
Do any of these ring a bell for you? Because they
are stated quite bluntly, you may be tempted to de-
ny them. But be honest with yourself — without
thoughts like these, you are unlikelyto get hostile.
1All references to ‘Chapters’ in this article refer to the
book Choose to be Happy from which the article was
adapted (details on last page).
Demands of this kind are often linked with
catastrophising. Dean, for instance, told himself
that if a meal wasn’t readyon time, this was the
ultimate in inconsiderate behaviour andthe end of
the world because it meant the household was
falling apart. In reality, things weren’tanywhere
near that bad. Often, what we react to are self-
created illusions of disaster. Anger may be a bel-
low of outrage against an interruption of our or-
dered and predictable world. Underlying this ‘low
frustration-tolerance’ are beliefs like, ‘Because
life should always be predictable and safe, it’s
awful and I can’t stand it when things go wrong.’
You feel your self-image is threatened
If you believe, as many do, that you have to see
yourself as ‘worthwhile’, then you will be over-
sensitive to any real or imagined slight from oth-
ers. You will interpret their behaviour as belittling
or discounting you. Annette, for instance, rated
her family’s inconsiderate behaviour as somehow
meaning she was a ‘nonentity’. It plugged into
doubts she already had about herself. Such self-
rating is usually combined with demands like the
following:
"‘Other people should not criticise me, put me
down or behave in any way which threatens
my sense of self-worth.’
"‘They must always treat me fairly and justly
and give me the love, approval and recogni-
tion that I need.’
Do you think that if peopleact unfairlytoward
you, this reflects on your worth as a person? What
you are saying is that you cannot feel OK about
yourself unless other people give you recognition,
acceptance and love, and never rejectyou or be-
have badly toward you. When someone does
something you dislike, you tell yourself, ‘The way
they’re behaving shows they think I’m nothing. If
that’s true, then it makes me nothing.’ Your anger
(which is a defence against feeling bad about
yourself) results from the additional thought,
‘They shouldn’t make me feel that way and
they’re swine for doing so.’
Other anger-producing thoughts
Rating the other person can add to the problem. If
you label him or her (or them) in a negative and
absolute manner — ’bitch’, ‘hypocrite’, ‘lazy’ —
this will fuel your hostility by making you think
that you are somehow justified in being angry.
Misinterpretations (distortions of reality) can
initiate the demand–hostility cycle. A common
example is mind-reading — thinking that you can
fathom other people’s motives for what they do.
You are more likely to get angry with others if
you tell yourself that their actions were deliberate
and calculated. You can make this worse with
Page 4 of 8
personalising — thinking that they are trying to
get at you in particular.
Watch for fortune-telling — predicting that if
things aren’t as they ‘should’ be, bad things will
happen. Your resulting discomfort will, in turn,
feed the demand that people and things must be a
certain way if disaster is to be avoided.
Filtering may lead you to see only negatives
and view yourself as powerless to control what is
going on. This will contribute to your anxiety, and
you will get angry by blaming others for your
feeling of weakness.
Emotional reasoning can fuel the blaming pro-
cess. If you tell yourself that because you are an-
gry this proves someone must have done some-
thing wrong, you justify the anger in your own
mind. If you are inclined to moralise about anger,
emotional reasoning can also contribute toa train
of thought like, ‘I’m angry, I shouldn’t be angry,
it’s awful to be angry, and I must punish the peo-
ple who made me angry.’ In effect, you get angry
about being angry. Human beings often observe
their own feelings in this way and then develop
additional feelings about the original ones.
To summarise, when looking for the thoughts in-
volved in an angry episode, ask yourself these
questions:
1. In what ways might I be misreading what is
happening or distorting reality, e.g. mind-
reading, personalising, fortune-telling, filter-
ing and emotionally reasoning?
2. What demands (shoulds and musts) amI mak-
ing? Am I telling myself that other people
must never do anything to frustrate my wants
or disrupt my sense of order and security?
3. How am I rating the person or people I’m
angry with?
4. In what wayam I seeing things as a threat to
my self-image? How might I be rating myself?
5. What am I telling myself I can’t stand be-
cause it is disrupting my life and frustrating
me, or threatening my sense of self-worth?
Replacing your anger-
producing thoughts
Is there a more rational way to respond to events
and circumstances you dislike? Yes: respond to
frustration with the third type of anger mentioned
earlier — constructive anger.
Constructive anger involves moderate emo-
tions like irritation, annoyance, dissatisfaction,
displeasure and disappointment. Sure, these are
still angry feelings — but they won’t cause you to
lose your head. Constructive anger also involves
moving beyond feeling angry to acting on it — in
other words, doing something about the events
and circumstances you dislike.
How do you make the change? Begin by giv-
ing up any moralising about your anger. Moralis-
ing is pointless, because anger is neither ‘good’
nor ‘bad’ — it is just an emotion. And it is more
useful to assess emotions in terms oftheir effects
than it is to sermonise about them.
It is quite reasonable to feel displeased about
things you don’t like. It makes no sense to feel
good when you don’t get what you desire, or
things aren’t as you want them to be. Anger can
be constructive when it energises you to change
situations you are unhappy with. Anger only be-
comes a problem when it turns into hostility,
grows out of proportion and takes you over; so see
anger as being neither ‘good’ nor ‘bad’. Evaluate
your own feelings of anger in a practical way. Is
it helping? Is it motivating you to change whatev-
er you are unhappy with?
The next step is to tackle the demands that un-
derlie your hostility and replace them with prefer-
ences. If you don’t get what you think you need or
must have, or something doesn’t happen as you
think it should, you will be prone to going over
the top. But when a want,desire or preference
isn’t met, you are more likely just to feel disap-
pointed or annoyed.
To help yourself move fromdemandingto pre-
ferring, ask, ‘Where is it written that people
should behave in certain ways, that Imust never
suffer bad feelings, that I need love and respect
and others should give themto me, andthatthings
generally should be the way I want?’ Recognise
that, in the real world, some of the time you get
what you want, some of the time you don’t.
When you identify the underlying rules that
keep creating your anger, there are two questions
you can ask. First, ‘Is this rule still valid, or is it
now outdated or irrelevant?’ For some help with
this, see the check list in Chapter 6(page 42).
Second, ‘What about the rules I feel are still val-
id?’ Well, you can keep your ideals — you don’t
have to give up your values and forget about
things which are important to you. All you do is
turn them from demands into preferences.
Dean, for instance, used to get angry when he
wanted sex but his wife didn’t; so he learned to
see it as disappointing to be sexually frustrated,
rather than telling himself it was a major depriva-
tion he shouldn’t have to suffer. He didn’t have to
stop wanting regular sex. He just changed it from
a ‘need’ into a desire.
As for Annette, she came to accept that family
members are human and will, therefore, act in in-
appropriate ways at times. This reduced her disa-
bling hostility, leaving her free to be assertive and
ask for some changes.
If you expect human beings to act imperfectly
and the world to be less than fair, you are simply
staying in touch with reality. You don’t have to
Page 5 of 8
agree with the way things are or stop trying to
make changes. Just avoid any demands that past
and present realities not exist when you know
they already do, then you will avoid unnecessary
emotional pain. Remember: your demands will
hurt you more than they will others.
You can also reduce your hostility by disputing
the idea that people are what they do. How is it
that someone who behaves stupidly, unfairly or in
a bastardly way becomes stupid, unfair or a bas-
tard? Condemning the total person because of one
action is like saying a car is useless because the
radio doesn’t work.
Deal with your own insecurity. Confront the
idea that if people behave unfairly toward you it is
a challenge to your worth as a person. This kind of
thinking shows that you are relying on other people
always liking and acceptingyou in order to feel
good about yourself. Deal with the underlying
problem, the idea that you have to be a ‘worthy’
person. Learn how to accept yourself (Chapters 7
and 14 will help you with this). Make sure, too, that
you accept yourself anger and all. As we sawearli-
er, anger is not a moral issue. If you down yourself
for getting angry, and rate yourself as an ‘angry
person’, you risk living down to your label.
Is the sky really going to fall in? You can
stand it when things aren’t as you want. After all,
you are still here to tell the tale! Remind yourself
that although it may be unpleasant, it is not the
end of the world when things don’t go right or
when someone behaves badly.
Again, however, keep in touch with reality.
Don’t try to tell yourself negative events are quite
all right. This won’t work, because you know it
isn’t true. View adverse circumstances as uncom-
fortable, unpleasant, disappointing or annoying —
but not as disastrous or intolerable. If worry con-
tributes to your angry reactions (as it does for
many people), see Chapter 10.
If you can, recheck your interpretations. Did the
other person in fact do what you are blaming them
for? If they did, how do you know what goes on in
their mind and what their real motivations were?
How do you knowthey were tryingto get at you?
Try to think of alternative motives for their behav-
iour. Remember, though — don’t just settle for
questioning interpretations. Concentrate mainly on
the ratings that are the main cause of your hostile
anger — the demanding, catastrophising and label-
ling of other people and yourself.
Acting against hostility
Techniques for interrupting hostile anger
Now it is time to put your new rational beliefs
into practice. As a starting point, you may want to
know how to interrupt your anger after it has be-
gun. Keeping a diary as described earlier is one
way—it can help by making you stop and think.
Here are some more action strategies to help you
check angry episodes before they get out of hand:
"Time out. If aggressive hostility — especially
violence — is a problem for you, use the
time-out technique. It is an effective and well-
proven way to quickly interrupt the anger cy-
cle. Talk (in advance) to your partner or oth-
ers with whom you would like to use time out.
Explain the technique to them and obtain their
agreement to cooperate. It works likethis:
"When you detect the early signs of hostile an-
ger, tell the other person how you are feeling:
then leave the room, and don’t return until
you have cooled down (about an hour seems
right for most people). Do something physi-
cal, like going for a brisk walk or run. Don’t
drive or drink alcohol. When you are ready to
come back, return and check in with the other
person and offer to talk about what happened.
Sometimes it will help to do a self-analysis
before you reopen the discussion. Youcan get
your thoughts sorted out and deal with any ir-
rational beliefs likely to set you off again.
"Keep in mind that the purpose of time out is
to stop an angry response from escalating, not
to avoid discussing uncomfortable issues. You
and the other person may agree to postpone
discussing the problem until another day, but
don’t make a habit of leavingissues unre-
solved, otherwise they will only mount up.
"Handle any personal statesthat trigger or ag-
gravate aggressiveness. If you are more likely
to lose your cool when you are tense, worried
or tired, do something about these tendencies.
If you are often tired, look for the causes. Are
you unfit? Are you trying to achieve too much
in a day? Are you drinking too much alcohol?
Don’t justdrift along — do something about it.
"When the body is physically tense, you are
more likely to fly off the handle. Relaxing can
help reduce your arousal level. The trick is to
‘let your body go’ whenever you feel yourself
becoming angry and tense. See Chapter 10 for
advice on how to relax.
"Reward yourself for avoidinghostility. Make
a contract with yourself or the others you live
with to take a reward if you have, say, a full
day without behaving aggressively. The re-
ward can be anything you find pleasurable.
"Accept the consequences of aggressive hos-
tility. If you have behaved aggressively, do
what you can to put it right. This may involve
fixing things you break, comforting people
upset over your behaviour, or apologising. As
well as helping repair the damage, this will
help you see that aggressiveness isn’t worth it.
Page 6 of 8
"Analyse angry incidents. The most effective
long-term solution is to do a self-analysis as
soon as possible after every angry episode.
This will show you what thoughts tend to make
you overreact, and before long you will be able
to identify these at an earlierstage. Patience
and consistent hard work will pay off. If your
anger is the passive type, do an analysis while
you are still inwardly stewing. This will help
you feel better, and free you to do something
about whatever it is you are stewing over.
Changing the things you dislike
As well as interrupting your hostile anger, take
steps to deal with the triggering events and cir-
cumstances. Use your frustration about something
as energy to change it. Here are some action strat-
egies to help you move from people condemning
to problem solving:
"Do something about problems before they get
out of hand. Don’t sit on resentments, con-
cerns or disagreements. Address the little
things as they occur — beforethey become
big things. If you talk to other people at an
early stage, you will have fewer reasons to get
hostile in the first place.
"Assert yourself in a level-headed man-
ner. Communicate assertively with the people
involved. Share with them what you are con-
cerned about and what you would like to see
changed. Responsible assertiveness will in-
crease your chances of getting what you want.
Assertiveness is not aggression; rather, it in-
volves saying what you think, feel and want in
an honest and direct fashion, while respecting
other people and taking into account their
feelings and interests. See Chapter 15 for help
with this.
"Ask the other person for their point of
view. Part of assertively communicating with
others is to find out what is going on for them.
Check whether you are misreading their
mo7tives. If possible, ask them directly. Lis-
ten to what they say without arguing until
they have fully explained their point of view.
Even if you end up disagreeing, to understand
the other’s viewpoint can atleast make it eas-
ier to ‘live and let live’.
"Negotiate a solution. Assertiveness will help
you work toward solutions to your concerns
which everyone can live with. This may mean
compromising, but it is often possible toreach
a deal which is an improvement on how
things have been until now. Keep in mind,
though, that there will be some things you
cannot change, so make sure you recognise
and deal with any demands. Then, when you
don’t get what you want, you will at least be
able to hack it without excess pain.
Once again, analyse your irrationalthink-
ing. While the preceding action strategies will
often help you improve your circumstances, they
won’t deal with the underlying cause of your hos-
tility. Deal with those irrational ideas that you
need to be ‘worthy’ and other people must never
do anything to make you feel unworthy, and you
should not have to endure the awfulness and dis-
comfort of frustration. Analysing your angry epi-
sodes on a regular basis, using a procedure like
Rational Self-Analysis, is the most effective way
to achieve fundamental and lasting change.
Note, too that the self-analysis technique is as
relevant to dealing with resentments fromthe past
as it is to handling angry episodes in the present.
If you are sitting on bad feelings about something
that happened 40 years ago, analyse them. Don’t
hurt yourself any longer over things that are gone.
From hostility to constructive anger
To keep anger under your control, change what you tell yourself. Compare the two lists below:
Hostility-Causing Beliefs Rational Alternatives
I can’t feel good about myself unless
others recognise, accept, and love me. Relying on the behaviour of other people to feel good is too risky.
The only sure way is to learn to accept myself.
Others must never do anything to de-
value me. The actions of others can’t ‘devalue’ me. I don’t magically
change because of what otherssay or do
I can only be happy when life is secure,
safe, and predict-able. I can try to make my life safe up to a point, but total stability is
impossible. Best, then, I learn how to stand it when things go un-
expectedly wrong.
Page 7 of 8
I should be able to have the things I
want, and live my life as I choose to. It’s OK to want things my way (and try to get it), but it’s not a law
of the universe. It’s disappointing when things go wrong, but I can
stand it - especially if I avoid demanding and catastrophising.
Other people should never be-have in
ways that frustrate or deprive me, or
upset the stability of my existence.
I’d prefer it if people didn’t do things I dislike. But, in real life,
they sometimes do! Anyway, it’s nottheir actions which frustrate
me - it’s my demanding thoughts.
If the world were a better place I
wouldn’t need to get upset. Unfortunately, the world is not a better place. But I can avoid
being upset about this fact - by changing the way I view it.
If I didn’t get mad then things would
never change. Getting mad disables me. I’m more likely to change things by
keeping my head and being assertive rather than aggressive.
Anger helps me keep others in line. Do I want others to co-operate with me only out of fear? What
happens when they learn to stand up to me? I’d be better to nego-
tiate their willing co-operation.
People should always behave in a cor-
rect and right fashion. In real life, people don’t always behave correctly. No amount of
demanding is going to make this realitygo away. Anyway, who
decides what’s right?
People who behave badly are bad people
and they deserve blame and punishment. People are not what they do. Behaving badly doesn’t make a bad
person - just a person who sometimes behaves badly.
People only do things to frustrate me. Am I god, that I can see into the inner recesses of other’s minds
and discern their motivations?
I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t lose my
cool. Just because something is human doesn’t make it desirable. An-
yway, to be reasonable and understand someone else’s viewpoint
is also human.
Anger is evil and destructive. Anger is neither good nor bad - it’s just anemotion. I can choose
to express it constructively rather than destructively.
A quick summary:
How to handle angry episodes
When anger is getting out of control, it can be
hard to think rationally. To help at such times,
here is a check list of the steps to take:
1. Acknowledge your anger. Don’t deny that
you are feeling hostile.
2. Admit that it is irrational.
3. Take responsibility for your anger. Recog-
nise that you are creating it.
4. Don’t moralise about the fact you are angry.
5. If necessary, interrupt your anger by using
time out, relaxation or any other way to dis-
tract yourself until you calm down.
6. Talk over, in an assertive (rather than ag-
gressive) way, whatever it is you are unhap-
py about: (a) explain what you are concerned
about, (b) find out the other person’s point of
view, and (c) negotiate a solution.
7. At some stage, during or after the episode,
fully analyse the irrational thoughts which
created your anger in the first place. Lookfor
shoulds and musts, awfulising and can’t-
stand-it-itis, ratings of the other person and
any self-downing. Retain any realistic wish-
es, but dispute your demands and turn them
into preferences.
Overcoming the blocks
to change
It isn’t easy to get rid of hostility. One of the main
reasons for this is that hostility is based on self-
righteous demands. We are convinced that our
way of looking at things is the right way, and few
of us are keen to surrender our ‘rightness’.
The answer, as already stated, is to analyse
your thinking when you feel burned up,or as soon
as possible thereafter. In the latter instance this
may seem like locking the stable door after the
horse has bolted, but you will be chipping away at
the underlying rules which create youranger, and
with time you will find yourself overreacting less
and less.
Another block is the belief that you need to get
worked up before you can change things. Sure,
moderate anger can energise; but getting hostile
stops you thinking clearly, so you are less able to
Page 8 of 8
act constructively. Furthermore, because of the
moralising which underlies hostility (‘People
should not behave the way they do’), you can get
stuck in the groove of rating people rather than
solving problems.
Do you worry that you would be less human if
you were not flying off the handle? Remind your-
self that hostility is indeed human — along with
depression, anxiety, alcoholism, cancer, war and
unemployment. Being human doesn’t make these
things any more desirable.
Another block to giving up hostile anger is that
you might be getting something out of it you are
loath to do without. Are you, for instance, trying
to control other people by flying off the handle?
Stimulating guilt or fear isa common way to ma-
nipulate people. Or do you lose yourcool to pro-
tect yourself against feeling bad? No one likes to
think they are a failure, and blaming someone else
when things go wrong is one way to feel better —
perhaps even superior — about yourself.
Are you afraid to get close to others out of fear
you will get hurt? Stayingangry toward someone
can give you an excuse to keep your distance
without admitting to yourself that you feel inse-
cure. Maintaining anger may also be a way to
avoid the pain of change. Thinking thatthe world
should treat you fairly can lead to self-pitying an-
ger which protects you from looking at yourself.
As you become aware of the psychological
‘gains’ you get from being angry, tackle the prob-
lem areas concerned. Work on your self-downing,
fear of intimacyand avoidance of change. For fur-
ther help, check out Chapters 6 (on demanding), 7
(on self-rating), 10 (worry), 11 (guilt), 15 (asser-
tiveness) and 16 (perfectionism).
Keep anger in perspective
In this chapter we have considered mainly exces-
sive anger, but don’t forget that anger can be
functional — if it is under your control and kept
in perspective, and if you are goingto do some-
thing constructive with it. I hope that working
through these pages will help you feel more con-
fident about being in charge.
As you work on your anger, then, keep in mind
that it isn’t a moral issue. It is a practical one. Anger
can damage, but it can also help. Why not give up
any idea that it is right or wrong and, instead,learn
to evaluate your anger according to its results?
Copyright Notice: This document is copyright © to the author (1993-2015). Single copies (which must include this notice)
may be made fortherapeutic or training purposes. To use in any other way, please contact: Wayne Froggatt, PO Box 2292,
Stortford Lodge, Hastings, New Zealand. Fax 64-6-870-9964. E-mail: wayne@rational.org.nz Comments are welcomed.
Did you find this article helpful? You may wish to read the book from which it was adapted:
Choose To Be Happy: Your step-by-step guide
by
*+2., )0/--+11 !%((' # &$$'"
Also, by the same author:
FearLess: Your guide to overcoming anxiety(2003)
Taking Control: Manage stress to get the most out of life (2006)
(all published by HarperCollins, Auckland)
#01 .01( (531$&32 )10. $-- %00,2! $/' +/)01.$3+0/ 0/ *04 30 0%3$+/ 3*(.! -00, 0/ 3*( +/3(1/(3 $3"
www.rational.org.nz
