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Unintended Consequences: Unique Issues of Female Straight Spouses
Abstract
The discovery that her husband is gay creates unparalleled trauma for a straight wife, fraught with unintended consequences for both mates. Ample literature and resources are available for married gay persons who come out, but straight spouses are often overlooked. This article seeks to fill this information gap. Misunderstood and marginalized, straight wives become collateral damage. Grieved, disoriented, confused, fearful, and often enraged, their trust and security are shattered. Their self-esteem is damaged and they feel shamed and isolated. Kaye, whose husband of 39 years came out, wrote: “I am 63 years old and feel like an infant, trying to rebuild a personality and a life from scratch.”Based on direct interviews and correspondence with hundreds of female straight spouses over a 15-year period, this study addresses their unique issues. Beginning with the question of why gay men marry in the first place, this article explores the typical progression of their straight wives from disclosure through resolution. It summarizes common elements of their experience, including immediate personal challenges, recurring risks, and long-term obstacles. Firsthand accounts reveal the anguish of the ordeal and the triumph when reintegration and resolution are achieved. Direct quotes offer an authentic glimpse into their experience, with names changed to protect privacy.Hundreds of books have been written to help closeted gay people come out, but straight spouses who are left behind typically suffer in isolation and secrecy, lacking meaningful help. This article provides background to aid understanding of their challenge.
... [24,25]) have provided insight into common issues reported by the heterosexual spouse, such as marital challenges, isolation, concern for their children and self, and crises of identity and belief systems. Where couples decide to continue to reside together, it can be difficult to know what should be disclosed by the couple, and at what stage this disclosure should occur [26]. Further research is required to explore the experiences of the heterosexual spouse, and how a marital dissolution following a same-sex affair differs from that of a heterosexual affair. ...
... An enhanced awareness of societal sexual prejudice relating to the disclosure of a gay sexual orientation that is highlighted in previous studies (e.g. [25,26]) was also experienced by these women. They had grown up in a society where homosexual marriage was illegal; legislation allowing for same sex marriage is a twenty first century phenomenon. ...
This study investigated the stories of heterosexual women who experienced a husband coming out as gay and a consequential marital separation. Interpretative phenomenological analysis (IPA) was used. Loss, anger, spousal empathy and concerns regarding societal prejudice were reported. Additional stress was experienced when others minimised the experience due to the gay sexual orientation of their husband. Experiencing positive communication with their husband during and after the disclosure aided the resolution of the emotional injury experienced by them. They all eventually ‘let go’ of their husband. This involved a process of reconceptualising the self as separated. Findings indicate the importance of supporting women to re-focus on their needs during and following marital dissolution. The importance of non-judgemental support for marital loss, rather than a focus on the gay sexual orientation of the spouse, was highlighted.
... The heterosexual respondents in our sample similarly reported feelings of confusion, anxiety, devastation, and disbelief following disclosure. Nevertheless, in our sample heterosexuals currently in MOMs were also more likely to report feelings of acceptance, tolerance, and understanding following disclosure, supporting findings that some heterosexual spouses eventually reach a turning point of acceptance following disclosure (Grever, 2012). Previous research shows that religion and spirituality may assist in coping for some spouses following disclosure (Grever, 2012;Wolkomir, 2004;Yarhouse et al., 2011). ...
... Nevertheless, in our sample heterosexuals currently in MOMs were also more likely to report feelings of acceptance, tolerance, and understanding following disclosure, supporting findings that some heterosexual spouses eventually reach a turning point of acceptance following disclosure (Grever, 2012). Previous research shows that religion and spirituality may assist in coping for some spouses following disclosure (Grever, 2012;Wolkomir, 2004;Yarhouse et al., 2011). Our findings show that personal spiritual confirmation from Deity plays a particularly powerful role in shaping the decision to enter into and maintain a MOM for heterosexual Mormons. ...
Interest in mixed-orientation marriages has been growing among both scholars and the general public. Members of conservative religions such as Mormonism may be particularly willing to enter a mixed-orientation marriage given the faith's emphasis on heteronormativity. Analyzing survey data from a sample of sexual minorities (n = 160) and heterosexuals (n = 80) who are or have been Mormon and in a mixed-orientation marriage, we explore variations in reasons for marriage, the disclosure experience, and levels of attraction and attitudes toward sex by current relationship status. Previously married sexual-minority individuals report more external pressure and belief their same-sex attraction might change as reasons to marry, as well as less desire for their spouses following disclosure. Currently married sexual-minority partners are less likely to report being counseled to marry, and report feeling more relief, approval, and desire in their relationship following disclosure. Currently married heterosexual spouses are more likely to report spiritual confirmation as a reason to marry, as well as more affection for and greater attraction to spouses, but also report feeling less secure about their attractiveness following disclosure. Previously married heterosexual individuals report the most negative feelings following disclosure, and stronger attitudes about the importance of sharing similar sexual interests, desire, and levels of attraction.
... Historically referred to as mixed-orientation marriages (MOMs), the research in this area explores a wide variety of relationship factors, including motivations for marrying, spousal response to disclosure, and the evolution of mixedsexuality relationships over time (Benack and Swan 2016;Buxton 2001Buxton , 2004Schwartz 2012;Yarhouse et al. 2003Yarhouse et al. , 2009). Some of this research explores the experiences of men in MSMs (Buxton 2012;Edser and Shea 2002;Higgins 2002Higgins , 2006Pearcey 2005;Swan and Benack 2012;Tornello and Patterson 2012) and others focus on the experiences of women (Grever 2012;Hays and Samuels 1989;Pearcey and Olson 2009). Although much of the existing literature is dominated by explorations that reify monosexual cisgender binaries (Benack and Swan 2016), researchers who are careful to explore the unique experiences of bisexual, gay, and lesbian individuals note some important differences in experiences across sexual identity categories (Buxton 2001;Pallotta-Chiarolli 2016;Swan and Benack 2012). ...
Mixed-sexuality marriages (MSMs) are defined in the present study as those where one partner identifies as heterosexual and the other partner identifies as gay, lesbian, bisexual, queer or reports experiencing same-sex attraction. Members of conservative religions, such as Mormonism, may be more likely to enter MSMs given the religion’s stance on homosexuality and doctrinal emphasis on heteronormative marriage. Using data from 56 interviews with individuals who either have been or currently are Mormon and in a MSM, we explore participants’ ideas about gender roles and sexuality in the context of their ideas about Mormonism. We find that couples’ ideas about gender, sexuality, and religion intersect to act as a resource or impediment to marital satisfaction. Among our sample, most couples maintain an outward appearance of heteronormativity; some view their private departure from the traditional gender order as a benefit to their relationship, whereas others view it as a source of strain and work hard to minimize gender deviance in their roles. The findings provide an important example of the way gender and religion are mutually constitutive and illustrate how notions of sexuality are sometimes used to reinforce a traditional gender order and religious beliefs, whereas at other times, the contradictions of MSMs challenge traditional gender norms and religious orthodoxy.
Since the early 1970s, the academic community has shown a good deal of interest in the motives of people who are sexually and romantically attracted to persons of their own gender but marry other-gendered partners. Despite more than 60 scholarly papers on the question over the past four decades, however, the current academic conversation has moved little since the early 1970s. The authors analyzed 66 scholarly works published between 1969 and 2012 that discussed gay- and bi-identified people's reasons for entering mixed-orientation marriages (marriage between a man and a woman, when one does and the other does not identify as heterosexual). Although the empirical literature consistently supports the importance of love for the other-gendered spouse, most authors have minimized this motive and emphasized the importance of negative motives related to the costs of being identified as gay (e.g., to hide, deny, or cure one's nonstraight sexual orientation). The authors argue that this distortion of the data stems from scholars’ unquestioned assumption of dominant cultural scripts regarding desire, love, and marriage. An essentialist understanding of sexual orientation, joined with a romantic view of marriage and a dyadic/monogamist view of romantic love, have rendered the frequently reported love of the queer spouse for the other-sexed partner problematical and ‘anomalous.’ The authors examine some of the strategies that have been used to minimize discrepant data and suggest alternate strategies to facilitate open academic inquiry into sexual phenomena that are ‘anomalous’ from the perspective of dominant cultural paradigms.
Scholarly literature shows that sexual behavior of married men who have sex with men (MMSM) varies widely. Sexual encounters often have diverse meanings that result from internal and external factors that are not explained merely by a standardized list of personal characteristics or a simple biological drive. This article is a comprehensive review of the literature pertaining to MMSM. It analyzes and adds to existing literature describing why MMSM marry, why they have sex with men, and how issues of identity arise and may be resolved. This review also shows how men's sexual identities can be fluid as well as historically and culturally variable. Reasons why married men have sex with men range from purely hedonistic physical relief, with or without erotic connection, to factors pertaining to lifestyle and sexual identity formation. Situations, experiences, and sexual behavior of MMSM must be better understood and accepted as part of ordinary human experience to allow individuals to safely explore desire, identity, and integration of what are often conflicting facets of sexual orientation identity. This review provides valuable insights for researchers and health professionals that may help develop appropriate interventions and directions for future research.
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