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The Significance of Heavy Pornography Involvement for Romantic Partners: Research and Clinical Implications

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Abstract

This article presents a paradigm case portrait of female romantic partners of heavy pornography users. Based on a sample of 100 personal letters, this portrait focuses on their often traumatic discovery of the pornography usage and the significance they attach to this usage for (a) their relationships, (b) their own worth and desirability, and (c) the character of their partners. Finally, we provide a number of therapeutic recommendations for helping these women to think and act more effectively in their very difficult circumstances.
RUNNING HEAD: Partner’s Use of Pornography
The Significance of Heavy Pornography Involvement
for Romantic Partners: Research and
Clinical Implications
Raymond M. Bergner
Ana J. Bridges
Department of Psychology
Illinois State University
Citation: Bergner R, & Bridges A. (2002). The significance of heavy pornography
involvement for romantic partners: Research and clinical implications.
Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 28, 198-206.
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Abstract
This paper presents a paradigm case portrait of the female romantic partners of heavy
pornography users. Based on a sample of 100 personal letters, this portrait focuses on
their often traumatic discovery of the pornography usage, and the significance they attach
to this usage for (a) their relationships, (b) their own worth and desirability, and (c) the
character of their partners. Finally, a number of therapeutic recommendations are made
for helping these women to think and act more effectively in their very difficult
circumstances.
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The Significance of Heavy Pornography Involvement
for Romantic Partners: Research and
Clinical Implications
“Pornography kills love.”
--Bumper sticker.
What does it mean to a woman to discover that her romantic partner is habitually
and heavily involved in viewing pornography? What does it mean to her, further, to live
continually in a relationship where this is the case? In this article, we will relate the
outcome of research designed to answer these questions, and delineate some clinical
implications of our findings for therapists working with couples and individuals on issues
of pornography usage.
The Research
Method
The method employed in this research was to collect and to study 100 letters
posted to four different internet message boards by spouses, fiances, and girlfriends of
men perceived to be heavily involved in pornography, and to cull these letters for their
recurrent, outstanding themes. The message boards selected for this research were ones
frequented primarily by self-designated sexual and pornography “addicts,” and
secondarily by partners of these individuals who had discovered their behavior, were
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distraught over it, and were writing in to seek solutions and emotional support from
others who shared their plight (see final note for listing of specific sites).
Criteria for selection. Beginning with the most recent letters on these web sites,
the second author worked backward until she had secured 100 that met the following
criteria. First, the writer had to be a woman discussing her male partner. Second, the
problem reported had to be confined to pornography use; letters indicating that the
partner had gone beyond such use to live, phone, or chat room contacts with other women
were not included. Third, the letter had to document the writer’s personal experience
with the pornographically involved partner and the meanings this had for her. Postings
devoted to such things as advice to other women, personal theories of pornography use,
or religious admonitions were not included.
The letters comprising the final sample were posted between November, 1999,
and September, 2000. They averaged approximately one half of a single spaced
typewritten page in length (the shortest letter was three long sentences, the longest one
and one half pages). Aside from gender, marital status, and sexual preference, it was not
possible to ascertain from these anonymous postings any further demographic
information.
Perceived level of pornography usage. The authors of the letters reported a level
of pornography usage that on average consisted of daily viewing of several hours
duration; in some cases, it was somewhat less than this, in others, substantially greater.
They further reported that in most cases this usage interfered significantly with the user’s
relational and vocational functioning (e.g., that in the marital relationship the user had
become sexually disinterested and emotionally withdrawn). Finally, they related in every
case that the user had been either unable or unwilling to cease his use, except temporarily
in some instances. While a limitation of this study is that the investigators were not in a
position to assess these men directly, the perceived levels of involvement, if reasonably
accurate, suggested a relationship to pornography that would qualify in virtually all cases
as heavy and habitual, and in most as “compulsive” (Coleman, 1990) or “addictive”
(Carnes, 1983, 1991). Given this limitation, however, the present study should be viewed
as one of how, perceiving the pornographic involvement as described, our subjects
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assigned meanings to this involvement.
Method of study. All letters were studied intensively by the two investigators,
who (a) independently identified major recurring themes, (b) met to identify common
themes noted and to negotiate any differences in what they observed, and (c) arrived at a
consensus regarding the primary themes expressed in the letters. While the sample
employed is not a random one drawn from the entire population, it did seem consonant
with the first author’s clinical experience of women who come to therapy with concerns
about their partners’ use of pornography.
Method of report. To report the results of this inquiry, we will employ a scientific
method involving the presentation of a paradigmatic or prototypical case (Rosch, 1973;
Rosch & Mervis, 1975). This will take the form of a composite portrait or profile of an
individual who exemplifies all of the outstanding themes emerging from the study of
these letters (cf. the method employed by DSM-IV in describing mental disorders).
Where there are significant departures from this paradigm case, these will be noted.
Discovery as a Traumatic Event
For the typical woman in our sample, the discovery of her partner’s extensive
pornography use, which might occur in a single incident or might increasingly dawn on
her over a period of time, alters her view of her world in a radical way. The discovery is
traumatic in the sense that it confronts her with a new world that she finds devastating,
confusing, and incomprehensible--and one that, as time passes, leaves her increasingly at
a loss regarding how she might act effectively to
correct the situation. This new world view encompasses alterations in her perceptions of
three related areas: her relationship with her partner, her view of her own worth and
desirability, and her view of the character of her partner. Let us examine each of these in
turn.
New View of the Relationship
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The discovery of her partner’s involvement in pornography results in a substantial
reappraisal of their relationship. Often, it is connected to, and seems to explain, other
observations that she has been making. Most notable among these is that her partner
seems increasingly withdrawn and even secretive, and that the quality of their sexual
relationship has deteriorated.
In previous research by Roberts (1982), Davis and Todd (1982), Davis (1985),
and Bergner (2000), a conception of the nature of romantic love was developed. The
view emerging from this research was that romantic love is a relationship that
prototypically embodies the following characteristics: (a) investment in the wellbeing of
the beloved, (b) respect, (c) admiration, (d) sexual desire, (e) intimacy, (f) commitment,
(g) exclusivity, and (h) understanding. On this analysis, for persons to believe that they
are loved fully by others is to believe that these others care strongly about their personal
wellbeing, are committed to them, respect and admire them, find them sexually desirable,
include them intimately, understand them deeply, and give them a position of exclusivity
in their worlds. When events occur that do not fit this picture--e.g., the partner is
discovered to have a secret life from which they are excluded, or to be having an affair--
these are seen as violations of the love relationship. If such violations are of sufficient
magnitude, the conclusion drawn will often be that they are not loved--that they no longer
have a place in the world of the other as his or her beloved. Such is the conclusion drawn
by many women who learn of, and who experience over time, their partner’s intensive
involvement in pornography. Let us examine in more detail some of the specific
violations of love that they perceive.
Exclusivity. The vast majority of women in this study used words such as
“betrayal,” “cheating,” and “affair” to describe the significance that their partner’s
involvement in pornography had for them. Although their partners were not in actual
contact with other females, these women clearly viewed the pornographic activities as a
form of infidelity. The theme that runs through their letters is that “He has taken the
most intimate aspect of our relationship, sexuality, something that is supposed to express
the bond of love between us and to be confined exclusively to this relationship, and
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shared it with countless fantasy women.”
Sexual desire. In this regard, two distinct portraits emerge from subjects. The
first is voiced by women in circumstances where their partners have ceased pursuing
sexual relations with them: “I am no longer sexually attractive or desirable to him. He’s
more attracted to the women depicted in his movies, magazines, and web sites than he is
to me, and I feel completely unable to compete with these women.” The second pattern
that emerges occurs in the frequent situation where the pornographically-involved partner
continues to pursue sexual relations with the letter writer, but his lovemaking conveys to
her the following painful impression: “I am no longer a sexual person or partner to him,
but a sexual object. He is not really with me, not really making love to me when we have
intercourse. He seems to be off thinking about something or someone else--likely those
porn women--or he is just inserting me to play a role in some novel sexual scenario that
he saw somewhere. He is just using me as a warm body.”
Intimacy/inclusion. The dominant theme in this regard is this: “I have been
excluded, isolated, barred from intimacy with him. I have lost someone who I thought
was my best friend and most intimate companion in life. He now has a whole secret life
from which I am completely excluded, and about which he continually lies to me.”
Investment in wellbeing of beloved. The typical conclusion regarding this aspect
of love assumes the following form: “He no longer seems to care about me or my
wellbeing, and he shows this in many ways. Perhaps most importantly, it does not seem
to matter to him (or to matter enough that he is willing to do anything about it) that I am
devastated by his pornography use and am in great pain.”
Understanding: The predominant theme: “He doesn’t really know or understand
me. In particular, he doesn’t seem to understand, despite all that I have said, how his
actions affect me. He doesn’t seem to get it--to have a clue.”
Living a lie. The final emergent theme concerning the relationship does not
pertain to any specific aspect of love but to a general feeling voiced by many women:
“We are living a shameful lie--presenting a lie to the rest of the world--when we pretend
to have a loving relationship. What we really have is a very sick and unhealthy one. I
feel a deep sense of shame over this.”
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New View of Self
The typical woman in our sample engages in a personal struggle regarding
the implications of what has happened for her worth and value. A part of her struggles to
believe that “This is not about me--this is not a valid indicator of my worth, value, and
desirability as a woman and a person.” Another part of her says: “Indeed it is about you.”
More often than not, the latter part prevails. She finds herself unable to believe that the
loss of her partner to his pornographic interests is not a valid indicator of her true worth
and desirability. In her eyes, his involvement implies that she must be...
Sexually undesirable. The overwhelming majority of women in this sample
reported that their partners’ preference for pornography left them feeling sexually
undesirable. Self-descriptors such as “fat,” “ugly,” “old,” and “repulsive” were
commonplace in their letters. Over and over again, the note sounded was that they could
not measure up physically to the impossible ideal of the women displayed in
pornographic movies, magazines, and web sites.
Worthless. What has happened must mean that she is worthless, that she is
unlovable, and that she must have failed as a wife and as a woman. After all, she reasons,
if she was good enough, she would have been able to hold her husband’s attentions and
affections and this never would have happened.
Weak and stupid. Finally, a common theme expressed in the letters was that
anyone who would let herself be treated in such degrading ways, and would not respond
either by leaving the relationship or by taking other powerful measures to respect herself
and her personal limits, must be a weak and stupid person (a further basis for shame).
New View of Partner
In many cases, the partner’s heavy involvement in pornography results in his mate
coming to a new view of his character and personal worth. The general conclusion drawn
is that “He is not the person I thought he was, but someone else, and someone for whom I
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have a great deal less respect.” Thus the demotion or degradation described above
becomes a two way street. He has excluded and marginalized her in critical ways due to
his preoccupation with pornography. And now, learning of his predilections, she has
degraded him as a person and, often, as one whom she finds she can love as before. The
most frequent of her new characterizations of him are the following:
Sexually degraded. In her eyes, he has become a “pervert,” a “sex addict,” a
“sexual degenerate,” or in some other way a sexually questionable and degraded being.
In some number of cases, he is seen, not only as sexually degenerate, but as progressing
to further and deeper degeneration. The most common basis for this attribution is her
discovery that he is involving himself in increasingly “sicker” material (e.g., pictures of
children, of sadistic scenarios, or of bathroom activities). Finally in this regard, he is
often viewed as an objectifier of women; i.e., as someone who treats women, not as co-
entitled persons with desires, rights, and
feelings of their own, but as depersonalized commodities whose function is to sexually
gratify him.
Liar. The great majority of women in our sample reappraised their partners as
liars. They came to view them as untrustworthy, deceitful persons whose word could no
longer be trusted.
Unloving/selfish: Another common reappraisal of these men was that they were
individuals who were invested exclusively in their own pleasure at the expense of
everyone else’s wellbeing. In short, the view was that these men had either ceased loving
or had never loved in the first place.
Inadequate father and husband. Where children are involved, the user often
comes to be seen as a failure in his crucial role as a father. This view is based on her
perceptions that he has exposed his children to pornography, has damaged and deprived
them by his continual failures to be available to them, and has set a terrible example for
them. Further, he is seen as having failed to be a true husband and partner to her in the
marriage.
Sick or bad?: A critical dichotomy. Many women in our sample developed a
view of their partners as sick. They described them variously as “addicted,” “not fully
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responsible,” “not in control,” and beset with what they viewed as a mental illness. In
contrast, many others viewed their partners as fully responsible wrongdoers who were
making a free choice in putting pornography over them (“putting his dick before me”
was a recurrent expression). Finally, many expressed a tremendous amount of confusion
in this regard, stating either that they could not comprehend what was going on, or
describing their partners simultaneously as both sick and bad. Not surprisingly, in the
measure that these women viewed their partners as in the grips of an illness, they also
viewed them as less responsible for their actions, and stated a greater willingness to stay
in the relationship and try to help them.
Repentant or unrepentant: A second critical dichotomy. A second critical factor
affecting both the woman’s view of her partner and her willingness to stay in the
relationship was the degree to which she perceived him as repentant for his behavior. In
cases where the partner exhibited such actions as admitting that he had a serious problem,
expressing remorse for his behavior and its consequences, and making a commitment to
changing it, these served to greatly mitigate the devastating picture of him articulated
above and to lessen her desire to leave the relationship. In cases where evidence of such
repentance and desire to change were absent, the female partner’s loss of respect and
motivation to terminate the relationship were greatly elevated.
Some Implications for Psychotherapy
The view of reality held by the women in our sample is not unrealistic or illogical,
but it is maladaptive. It leads in many instances to helplessness, despair and inactivity;
and in others to all manner of ineffective action. Most common among these actions are
attempts to change the partner through angry attack, personal degradation, expression of
pain, threats to leave, removal of the offending materials, continual surveillance of his
activities, and strenuous attempts to get him out of denial to a realization of what he is
doing. In the great majority of cases, these actions have proven futile for the women
under discussion here.
This section is devoted to the presentation of a more adaptive alternative
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formulation of the situation described above. This formulation is designed to help both
therapist and client better understand what is going on. It is further designed to enable
the female partner to become more of an observer and less a reactive responder, to realize
that what is going on is in critical ways “not about her,” and to generate more effective
courses of action should she wish to save her relationship, or even just save herself. The
centerpiece of this revised view is an understanding of what is going on in what is
variously referred to as “compulsive” (Coleman, 1990) or “addictive” (Carnes, 1983,
1991) pornography use. The following therapeutic recommendations are intended for
those clinical situations where careful assessment reveals that the female partner is
correct in her perception that her partner is pathologically involved in pornography usage,
as indicated by such dimensions as amount of time spent, inability to cease use, and
serious interference with relational and vocational functioning.
The Nature of Pornography Addiction
Pornography addiction, whether “normal” or paraphilic in its content, is a species
of the broader category of sexual addiction or compulsion. This being the case, we draw
here on a number of established researchers and clinicians who have come to a certain
conclusion about such addictions. In broad terms, this conclusion is that the sexually
compulsive person, whether he or she be involved with pornography, paraphilic acts,
relentless cruising, or other activities, is in the business of repair to his or her self-esteem.
Sexual acting out, which in many cases is more pronounced after a blow to the
individual’s self-esteem (Carnes, 1991; Coleman, 1991), is on various accounts an
attempt to restore one’s sense of personal worth following an insult to the masculine self-
image (Coleman, 1991), to recover from explicitly sexual childhood degradations
(Bergner, 1988), or to triumph over very damaging childhood sexual indoctrinations
(Money, 1984, 1986).
A clinically useful analogy for capturing in more illuminating detail what is going
on in sexual compulsivity, and for humanizing the addicted person by drawing parallels
to nonsexual problems, may be found in the following case illustration. The case
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involves a young doctoral candidate in English literature whom we shall call “William.”
William had had a childhood marked by an unusually great amount of humiliating and
degrading treatment at the hands of others. This treatment had brought about in him a
resolve that one day he would “show them all” by achieving a vindictive triumph over his
old familial and peer detractors. As his talents and inclinations developed, the form that
this vindictive triumph assumed was a fantasied scenario in which he would write the
great American novel, would become heralded as the next Thomas Wolfe, and would be
universally praised both in bastions of literary excellence and in popular venues such as
Time and Newsweek. In this scenario, his old degraders would seek him out, flattering
him and seeking to be included in his inner circle of friends. However, when approached
by them, he would dismiss them with a statement such as, “Excuse me, but I’m afraid I
don’t remember you at all, and I’m really quite busy, so if you wouldn’t mind...”
William spent a great deal of time indulging in this most gratifying fantasy, doing so to
such a degree that it interfered with his life in important ways and became the focus of
significant therapeutic attention.
In this example, we note three things. First, William is obsessed with a preferred
scenario that has its origins in his early experiences of humiliation and degradation.
Second, this scenario represents an “accreditation ceremony” (Bergner, 1987; Ossorio,
1978); i.e., a scenario that, were it to occur in reality, would (or so he believes) lift him
from his degraded status among other persons to a new position of vindictive triumph
over them and of vast public acclamation. In the scenario, he has created a world
conveying ultimate salvation for him and recovery from his childhood humiliations.
Third, this accreditaton ceremony is unsuccessful--it does not in fact achieve recovery for
him.
Transposing this to the domain of compulsive sexuality, the heavy and habitual
user of pornography, like every individual, has a preferred sexual scenario. This
scenario, famously termed a “lovemap” by John Money (1984, 1986), shows up in his or
her erotic dreams, sexual fantasies, and pornographic preferences. This scenario, like
William’s, is based on the individual’s experience and, in the case of pornographic or
other sexual addictions, represents a fantasied world in which the individual overcomes
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childhood degradations and achieves a powerful personal accreditation: now he is
desired, adored, and even loved by a beautiful woman; or humiliates women as they once
humiliated him (cf. Stoller, 1975) ; or exposes himself to the amazement and wonder of a
desirable woman; and so forth. It is this element of personal validation or accreditation
that, when coupled with the already vast erotic satisfactions inherent in sexuality, make
for such an addictive “cocktail” for these persons. Finally, however, the ceremony must
fail. It has not occurred in reality--he has not actually achieved recovery and personal
validation. Even worse, it leaves him in most cases feeling more degraded and depressed
in its aftermath for a variety of reasons. For example, he recognizes that he has once
more lost control and spent hours in feverish pursuit of sex; and/or that his preferred
scenario is an unacceptable, “perverted” one; and/or that he is failing and hurting a
woman who loves him by excluding her in favor of these degrading images. Thus, once
the satisfactions of fantasied validation and orgasmic satiety have passed, he is left
degraded and depressed, and thus in ever greater need of a new “fix” to restore, however
temporarily, his diminished esteem (cf. Coleman, 1991; Gold & Heffner, 1998; Wolf,
1988).
Therapeutic Implications
This general view of compulsive pornography use has applications in clinical
work with couples, as well as with the users or their partners seen individually. Since our
focus in this report is on the female partners of male users, we will focus on its use with
them. When shared with these partners, the formulation has the following important
applications.
“It’s not about you.” First of all, if accepted, the formulation gives the individual
a view of her partner’s addiction that says, “This is not about you.” It informs her that it
essentially has to do with childhood degradations from which her mate is trying
strenuously to recover. It takes the compulsion out of the realm of being any sort of valid
indicator of her personal worth, value, or desirability; and into the realm of its being his
creation of a restitutional world for purposes of personal recovery. Finally, it says to her
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that it is true that she can’t compete with it as such--but it is true only in the same sense
that she, like every other human being, can’t compete with highly idealized fantasies of a
world made precisely to the fantasizer’s order. Thus, the therapist may use the
reformulation as a way to attack the self-degradations described above that are so
characteristic of partners of heavy pornography users. Clearly, whether she decides
ultimately to leave the relationship or to try to salvage it, this is a vital therapeutic
objective.
Diminishing the degradation of the partner. Accepting this revised view of her
partner’s addiction is, in many cases, tantamount to degrading him less. On this view, he
is no longer cast as a “sicko” or a “pervert” who is beyond the pale of acceptable human
society. Rather, he is viewed as a man, in many cases a decent man, who is in a
pathological state--who has, in Wakefield’s (1992) apt expression, a mental disorder that
amounts to a “harmful dysfunction.” Viewing him thus serves to reduce her contempt,
anger, and dismissal of him as a decent human being. Finally, it can help her to view the
problem with more dispassion and objectivity, and thus to undertake any needed action
on this more rational basis.
Implications for revised behavior. The partner of the pornography addict, based
on her formulation of the problem, has characteristically engaged in certain behaviors.
Based on a maladaptive problem formulation, these behaviors have been largely
unsuccessful, and have often served to create a systemic situation where her attempted
solutions have become a part of the problem (Watzlawick, Weakland, & Fisch, 1974).
Typically, she has engaged in intensely emotionally- driven behaviors designed to get her
partner to “see” and to change. These have included attacking, degrading, imploring,
threatening, reasoning, expressing pain, continually checking on him to see if he is using,
removing or destroying the offending materials, and trying to be more sexy to win him
back. As a rule, rather than improving the situation, her coercion has elicited resistance,
her attacks have evoked hostility and increased shame, and her attempts to gain control
have been met with a determination not to be controlled.
Aside from eliciting the consequences just mentioned, the actions of the female
partner have been problematic in further ways. First, an ample body of experimental
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(Goleman, 1995) and clinical (Bowen, 1978; Lerner, 1989) literature attests to the
destructive effects of letting one’s behavior be driven by emotion at the expense of
observation, thought, and personal principle. In the present instance, this is clearly the
case. The female partner is characteristically in an understandable, yet highly
problematic, state of emotional desperation, and her behavior tends to assume a quality of
high emotional reactivity. When given a more adequate understanding of the nature of
her partner’s problem, she is also given a central basis for (a) understanding the situation
better and thus how to deal more effectively with it, (b) being more objective and rational
in her responding, and (c) being less devastated by it, all of which run counter to
emotional responding. Beyond this, explicit assistance by the therapist in stressing
observation, careful planning, and personal principle over letting oneself be emotionally
triggered is all to the good (Bowen, 1978; Lerner, 1989).
Finally in this connection, the female partner’s behavior routinely violates the
therapeutic truism that one is best served to remove one’s energy from changing the other
and to place that energy into changing oneself (Bowen, 1978; Lerner, 1989). Under this
heading, she is well advised to reconsider her efforts to change him, and if necessary to
review how her past attempts to do so have failed. More positively, an excellent
therapeutic focus is on a course of action entailing (a) carefully defining her own personal
limits regarding what she can and cannot live with, (b) communicating these to her
partner in a spirit, not of ultimatum or of bending him to her will, but of preserving her
own dignity and integrity, and (c) taking actions up to and including separation to back
up such statements (Lerner, 1989). Beyond this, a careful and dispassionate review of
what she herself might be contributing to the marital dysfunction, and actions to change
any problematic behaviors and omissions on her part, are worthwhile emphases.
Conclusion: Limitations and Clarifications
Sample Characteristics
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The present sample, as noted at the outset, was selected from internet message
boards dedicated to discussions of pornography and other sexual “addictions.” It was
comprised entirely of women who perceived that their partners were heavily involved in
viewing pornography, felt distraught and helpless over this, and were writing in to seek
solutions from others. The sample was drawn neither from the population at large, nor
from some other, broader and more diverse, population. Thus, we cannot answer many
important and interesting questions that might be addressed by employment of such
samples. Are there many women who would be relatively undisturbed by their partners’
similar involvement in pornography? How do women feel about more limited use of
pornography by their partners? How frequently do men, in the face of their partners’
discovery of and objections to their use, abandon it? Are there women who are
problematically involved with pornography, and, if so, what significance do male
partners ascribe to this? Finally, however, it might be noted that the present sample does
possess important features that are highly characteristic of women who seek therapeutic
assistance. All of our subjects were emotionally upset by the problem; their problem
formulations and attempted solutions had thus far been unsuccessful in bringing about
change; and they had come to other persons in the hope that these persons could provide
effective solutions for their problems (Watzlawick et al., 1974).
On Sexual Addiction
With respect to sexual addiction, two final things need be said. First, as noted
previously, a limitation of the present study is that we were unable to assess the
pornography use of the male partners directly. Thus, strictly speaking, the study is one of
the reactions of women who perceive that their partners are heavily, habitually, and most
often addictively involved in pornography. Second, the concept of “sexual addiction” is
itself a controversial one (Gold & Heffner, 1998). However, despite this controversy,
there is broad agreement that a substantial number of persons develop involvements with
sexuality wherein they spend inordinate amounts of time in its pursuit, this pursuit
seriously interferes with their relational and vocational functioning, and they are unable
17
to cease this pursuit when they attempt to do so (Goodman, 1992). In employing the
terms “addiction” and “compulsion” in this article, we wish only to designate such
relations to pornography, and not to take any position in the ongoing debate regarding
whether this is best considered an addiction, a compulsion, or an impulse disorder (cf.
Gold & Heffner, 1998; Goodman, 1992) .
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Notes
1. The web sites employed for this research were
(a) “Breaking Pornography Addiction” (http://www.no-porn.com/)
19
(b) “Internet Addiction Discussion Group” (http://users.cgiforme.com/
anniblesmith/cfmboard.html)
(c) “Online Sexual Addiction (OSA) Bulletin Board” (http://
onlinesexaddict.org)
(d) Relationship Web (http://relationshipweb.com).
2. The authors wish to thank Dr. Laurie Bergner for her very helpful critique of an earlier
draft of this paper. Correspondence may be directed to Raymond M. Bergner, Ph.D.,
Department of Psychology, Illinois State University, Normal, IL 61790-4620
20
... Despite growing attention on SA/CSB, research on partners' lived experiences post-discovery remains limited (Futrell, 2021;Williams, 2019). Notably, there is a research gap regarding the experiences of female partners in Australia and beyond (Bergner & Bridges, 2002;Schneider, 2000;Williams, 2019). Sexual addiction often undermines trust and intimacy in relationships, which may lead to relational trauma (Carnes, 2014;Stokes et al., 2020) or betrayal trauma (BT), particularly when trust is breached (Freyd, 1996(Freyd, , 2008. ...
... Sexual addiction often undermines trust and intimacy in relationships, which may lead to relational trauma (Carnes, 2014;Stokes et al., 2020) or betrayal trauma (BT), particularly when trust is breached (Freyd, 1996(Freyd, , 2008. The revelation of a partner's SA/CSB has been linked to BT and subsequent mental health challenges for partners (Bergner & Bridges, 2002;Hunyady et al., 2008). And yet, research on the specific needs of women with partners who engage in SA/CSB is scarce. ...
... And yet, research on the specific needs of women with partners who engage in SA/CSB is scarce. Although some studies highlight the negative impacts of SA on intimate partners (Bergner & Bridges, 2002;Schneider, 2000), there is a lack of focused research on the lived experiences of affected women. This study seeks to fill this gap, providing insight into the well-being of female partners after discovering their male partners' CSBs. ...
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Introduction There has been an upsurge of research articles in the last two decades about sexual addiction (SA) and compulsive sexual behaviour (CSB). In the literature, SA/CSB is mainly presented as comparable to other behavioural addictions and similarly involves a problematic consumption model: loss of control, psychosocial impairments, and risky sexual activities. Despite this recent rise in research interest in this area, only a small number of studies have focused on the partners’ lived experiences and well-being. Methods This qualitative descriptive phenomenological investigation aimed to examine female partners’ lived experiences and well-being following the discovery or disclosure of their male partners’ SA/CSB. Individual in-depth semi-structured interviews were conducted (2020–2022) with primary participants (female partners; n = 12) and supplementary participants (counsellors; n = 15). Results The analysis reveals that this group has encountered several detrimental consequences of CSB-associated betrayal trauma (BT), including but not limited to suicidal thoughts and self-harm, compulsive self-comparisons with other women, physical and behavioural difficulties, and diminished self-esteem. Conclusions This empirical research is the first study in Australia to examine the voices and experiences of female partners upon learning of their mates’ CSBs. The findings contribute to the field of SA/CSB and enhance understanding of the multifarious consequences for the emotional, physical, sexual, spiritual and/or relational well-being of intimate female partners and their general outlook on life. Policy Implications Based on the results, there are strong indications with implications for policy that this population requires validation and multifaceted support systems to better navigate the challenging, complex, and stressful processes of discovery/disclosure and subsequent recovery.
... Secondly, women may have a different SR compared to men due to the fact that for them pornography use may be seen as a source of dissatisfaction within the couple relationship, diminishing attraction toward the primary partner (Stewart & Szymanski, 2012). Moreover, concerning women, various studies suggest that partners' pornography consumption can generate feelings of jealousy and overall potentially erode the quality of the relationship (Bergner & Bridges, 2002;Daneback et al., 2009;Grov et al., 2011;Perry & Davis, 2017;Schneider, 2000;Stewart & Szymanski, 2012;Zitzman & Butler, 2009). These findings suggest further factors of a more negative SR of pornography among women in comparison to men, as the former are more concerned about the negative effects that pornography consumption may have on the primary relationship and experience more distress toward this behavior. ...
... Second, results show that the content of women's SR is centered on "lack of confidence and faith," implying a stigmatizing and moralizing perspective on pornography consumption. This relates to past findings highlighting that partners' consumption of pornography may affect women's self-esteem and potentially lowers their self-confidence (Bergner & Bridges, 2002;Daneback et al., 2009;Grov et al., 2011;Perry & Davis, 2017;Schneider, 2000;Stewart & Szymanski, 2012;Zitzman & Butler, 2009). The content of women's SR, as emerged in our results, puts forward a social understanding of pornography use that condemns consumers and attributes them character flaws that presumably explain their behavior. ...
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Understanding the psychological conflicts associated with pornography consumption can help professionals tailor their interventions to address the mental health risks faced by individuals struggling with issues related to their pornography use. The main objective of this research was to investigate how pornography consumers are perceived from a social representation theoretical perspective and to examine variations in these perceptions—or social representations—according to gender, relationship satisfaction, and sexual satisfaction. All participants (N = 875 Romanians) were in a romantic relationship at the time of participation. Our results indicated that the social representation of pornography consumers varied significantly depending on gender, sexual satisfaction, and relationship satisfaction. Also, our findings showed a potential psychological conflict in the long run, which can put individuals at risk for self-stigma, guilt, and subsequent mental health consequences. We discuss conclusions from both a theoretical and practical perspective, with a focus on the utility of our conclusions in the clinical practice context of psychologists, psychotherapists, and mental health workers when dealing with issues related to pornography use.
... Moreover, PU can evolve into a problematic behavior when it becomes excessive and can significantly impact the user's mental health Camilleri et al., 2020;Turner et al., 2022;World Health Organization, 2022), eventually impacting social, occupational and other important daily functioning. It is crucial to note that this behavior may not only affect the individual involved but may also extend to their partner (Bergner & Bridges, 2002;Daspe et al., 2018). Thus, it is important to better understand this behavior and provide clinicians with effective instruments to gauge why people use pornography. ...
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Motivations for pornography use may vary across gender identities, sexual orientations, and geographical regions, warranting examination to promote individual and public health. The aims of this study were to validate the Pornography Use Motivations Scale (PUMS) in a diverse, multicultural sample, and develop a short form (PUMS-8) that can assess a wide range of pornography use motivations. Using data from 42 countries (N = 75,117; Mage = 32.07; SDage = 12.37) enabled us to thoroughly evaluate the dimensionality, validity, and reliability of the Pornography Use Motivations Scale (PUMS), leading to the development of the more concise PUMS-8 short scale. Additionally, language-, nationality-, gender-, and sexual-orientation-based measurement invariance tests were conducted to test the comparability across groups. Both the PUMS and the PUMS-8 assess eight pornography use motivations, and both demonstrated excellent psychometric properties. Sexual Pleasure emerged as the most frequent motivation for pornography use across countries, genders, and sexual orientations, while differences were observed concerning other motivations (e.g. self-exploration was more prevalent among gender-diverse individuals than men or women). The motivational background of pornography use showed high similarity in the examined countries. Both the PUMS and the PUMS-8 are reliable and valid measurement tools to assess different types of motivations for pornography use across countries, genders, and sexual orientations. Both scales are recommended for use in research and clinical settings.
... Despite some limited research suggesting that SA/CSB has negative effects on intimate partners, as mentioned above, there is a large knowledge gap in the peerreviewed academic literature regarding systematic qualitative studies that illustrate the spiritual lived experiences of BT-affected female partners (Bergner & Bridges, 2002;Schneider, 2000a;Schneider et al., 1998;Schneider et al., 2012;Williams, 2019;Zitzman & Butler, 2009). In light of the spiritual effects of BT, the present qualitative design was developed and used to give voice to, better understand, and capture the essence of this understudied population. ...
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Recent years have seen a rise in research on sexual addiction (SA) and compulsive sexual behaviour (CSB). In the literature, these concepts describe an emerging field of study that may encompass a range of interpersonal and communal consequences for concerned individuals, their intimate partners, families, and society. Taboos surrounding SA/CSB often shroud the subject in shame and ignorance. Despite growing scholarly interest in SA/CSB, few studies have analysed intimate partners’ lived experiences in depth, and no other research has investigated the spiritual impacts of SA/CSB on intimate partners. This descriptive phenomenological study addresses this knowledge gap. In-depth semi-structured interviews were conducted with female partners (primary participants; n = 12) and professional counsellors (supplementary participants; n = 15). The analysis reveals that following discovery/disclosure, SA/CSB may affect women via complex and multifaceted spiritual consequences. Significantly, most women did not receive validation or safety from their faith communities. Instead, many reported experiencing a range of spiritual impacts, including changes in their faith, fear of stigmatization, the perception of pastoral pressure to ‘forgive and forget’, ostracism from their faith communities, and/or a sense of anger directed towards God as the perceived silent co-conspirator who permitted the deception to continue undiscovered, sometimes over years or even decades. The study’s findings point to salient opportunities for faith communities to provide more targeted support and assistance during healing and recovery.
... Consequences may entail depression, sexually transmitted infections (STIs), diminished self-esteem, panic attacks, trauma responses, as well as significant adverse impacts on their general health and happiness (Steffens & Means, 2017;Weiss, 2020;Williams, 2019). Although some limited research exists that SA/CSB has negative effects on intimate partners (Bergner & Bridges, 2002;Schneider, 2000;Schneider et al., 1998Schneider et al., , 2012Williams, 2019;Zitzman & Butler, 2009), to date there is a wide knowledge gap in the peer-reviewed academic literature concerning systematic qualitative studies that illustrate the lived experiences of impacted female partners. As a result, the present qualitative methodology was developed and implemented in this context to give voice to, explain the essence of experiences, and better comprehend this understudied demographic. ...
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Sexual addiction (SA) and compulsive sexual behaviour (CSB) are concepts used to characterise a nascent field of research and phenomena that can have major personal, relational, and psychological effects on individuals, their intimate relationships, and society. Impacts are manifold and may include emotional, relational, physical, sexual, and/or spiritual consequences. Literary analysis suggests that there is a wide knowledge gap in systematic in-depth qualitative studies that examine the lived experiences of impacted women. This conceptual paper presents a blueprint for qualitative research into female partner well-being following the discovery or disclosure of SA/CSBs by their male partners. After three years of collecting data (2021–2023), the prototype has been refined to the point where the descriptive phenomenology research design merits in-depth coverage of its constituent elements. The qualitative methodologies of this paper were developed to give voice to and better comprehend this understudied demographic. This methodological article advances qualitative knowledge creation in an emergent field of investigation, offering prospects for healing and recovery for individuals and relationships. This paper presents a comprehensive research design rather than any data or findings. This focus is intended and offers new prospects to build a nascent field of investigation. More specifically, other research may benefit from either adopting and/or adapting similar methodological approaches that examine the essences of human lived experiences. This paper lays the foundation for an important future research agenda. The research methodological design presented in this paper is suited to facilitate social policy development through targeted strategies that may better validate and deliver more appropriate care to women in need. More specifically, by applying the approaches presented in this paper to the in-depth study of SA/CSB-impacted intimate partners, there is an opportunity to promote social consciousness, enhance empathy, and advance this field of investigation.
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'Why in this enlightened day would one choose to entitle a work Perversion, a term that is becoming passe? The great research published in the last decade or two has taught us that aberrant sexual behavior is found in other species, is ubiquitous in man, and is the product of brain and hormonal factors that can function independently of anything we might call psyche. Then too, their findings make researchers regret society's moral stance that sexual aberration is unnatural-sinful-and the repressive social action that follows. Thus, in ridding ourselves of the concept of perversion, we have the tempting combination of good research serving a humane cause. Yet it is the author's contention, explored in the body of this book, that perversion exists. The connotations of the word are unpleasant and have a flavor of morality and therefore of free will that is antiquated in these days of science and determinism. It is to avoid such connotations that the softer terms "variant", "deviation," or "aberration" are used.
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New developments in understanding the nature, etiology and treatment of compulsive sexual behavior offer new hope for people suffering from these sexual disorders. There is considerable debate about terminology and these newer approaches to treatment. This paper reviews these new developments and the controversy which surround them. Compulsive sexual behavior can be divided into two types: paraphilic and nonparaphilic. While John Money (1986) has described the paraphilias at length, a specific attempt is made here to describe and classify nonparaphilic compulsive sexual behaviors. An obsessive-compulsive model for understanding paraphilic and nonparaphilic compulsive sexual behaviors is preferred by the author.